Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

19 year old and Holidays

325 replies

Blankscreen · 02/05/2023 07:37

Not sure if I am being unreasonable.

DS is 19 currently in a gap year and working and saving for uni.

He is going on mates holiday which we are paying towards.

Dh is taking him to Barcelona for a long weekend for his birthday in a couple of months.

Last year Ds didn't want to come on our main family holiday so stayed at home.

DS comes and goes as he pleases and is generally not involved in family life. Not interested in anyone or anything. Fair enough he's 19.

But here's the rub.

I wanted to take the other 2 dc to Alton towers in half term for a couple of days. 19 year old has announced that he wants to come.

He also wants to come on a 'free' summer holiday with the family. Except its not free. We will be footing the bill.

AIBU to not want him coming.

I looked at Alton towers and the cost for adding 1 extra person is ludicrous it goes from £800 ish to £1400 ish.

Similarly the summer holiday cost goes up hugely because we end up having 2 rooms.

The other DC are 12 ans 9 and having 19 year old there completely changes the dynamic as he and 12 year old ds will probably play in the pool and 9 year old dd will be left out.

9 year old dd annoys 19 year old ds for example he says that she 'airs' him and so he doesn't bother talking to her.

. DH says how can we say no??.

OP posts:
Original poster
Blankscreen · 02/05/2023 07:40

Should add we won't end up going Alton Towers if it is 5 of us as it's too expensive

OP posts:
Plottingspringescape · 02/05/2023 07:42

If he is working and presumably has very low bills can he not contribute to the family trips he wants to come on? It seems a bit harsh to exclude him altogether.

CordylineHair · 02/05/2023 07:42

The holiday with his mates is his holiday. He doesn't get to go on the family one too. Why isn't he working the summer at 19?? And earning his own money to pay for his own holiday or at least contribute to it.

takealettermsjones · 02/05/2023 07:43

He's getting two holidays (funded by you) that the other kids are not getting, so I think it's reasonable to lay that out for him and say you can have X amount towards your lads trip OR we can pay for you to come with us etc.

However I think you're unreasonable for actively not wanting him to come with you. He's your son.

romdowa · 02/05/2023 07:43

He's 19 , tell him has to pay for himself

MaryShelley1818 · 02/05/2023 07:44

You really don't sound like you like your 19yr old child very much.
I agree with your DH, I wouldn't say no to one of my children coming although I do understand your frustration with them.

milafawny · 02/05/2023 07:45

I also have a 19 year old, days out like alton towers i would expect him to pay for himself now, holidays, id pay fights and accommodation and expect him to contribute. Once i point this out to him he doesnt want to come which is fine. But he does go away often with friends so doesnt miss out.

Im a single parent, and obviously at 19 with a job, i get no support for him anymore, i dont have a huge wage (nursing) and still get UC to top up my income for my other 2 children. I can just about afford a couple of day trips a year and one holiday every other year, and wont let the younger children miss out by funding my adult child who has a full time job.

lionsleepstonight · 02/05/2023 07:46

Is he from a previous relationship? It seems weird that you're so quick to cast him aside so you can fit into a traditional 2 kids family.

Feels Mean. You had 3 kids so I think you need to suck up the continued expense. He's 19 not 29.

GCWorkNightmare · 02/05/2023 07:46

CordylineHair · 02/05/2023 07:42

The holiday with his mates is his holiday. He doesn't get to go on the family one too. Why isn't he working the summer at 19?? And earning his own money to pay for his own holiday or at least contribute to it.

DS is 19 currently in a gap year and working and saving for uni.

second line of the OP. He is working.

yikesanotherbooboo · 02/05/2023 07:46

I would a 19 year old to come on the family holiday but would say that Alton Towers is for the younger ones and that DS1 has lots of other fun things going on. That would be my family dynamic though, you might feel that the other way round would suit more family members.

fizzyfood · 02/05/2023 07:47

If I were in your situation I'd say yes come with us, his financial situation means you'll have to pay, which I would, he's 19 so there won't be many family holidays together left so I'd be happy he was coming.

Original poster
Blankscreen · 02/05/2023 07:47

DS is obsessed and I mean obsessed with the gym. So the whole break away will be I imagine be centred around his eating protein/ calories for a 'clean ' bulk.

Unless you live with this madness I don't think you can realise how irritating and suffocating it can be.

OP posts:
rainraingoawaay · 02/05/2023 07:48

Summer holiday with the family is a bit mean to exclude him from if he wants to come, Alton towers might be nice to do with just the two youngest (as a half term treat for them).

milafawny · 02/05/2023 07:48

I also live very close to alton towers, theres ways to do it much cheaper if you look at hotels off site. Have a look at trentham gardens, that to makes a lovely day out, and has some nice little shops in the shopping village, and its not far from the park, about 30 mins drive away.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 02/05/2023 07:48

The other two aren’t going to Barcelona with DH, so ds shouldn’t expect to be treated to Alton towers. Barcelona is his treat.

I’d include him in the family summer holiday though.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/05/2023 07:50

I think it’s totally fair enough to take the younger two to Alton towers without him. That’s a trip for them, and he’s getting two other holidays paid for.

The family holiday is tougher. Yes he’s an adult and he is getting his own holidays. However he’s still a part of the family and only just an adult. The part that concerns me about him coming is his attitude to his younger sister. I’m not sure what “airs” him means, but sounds like it means annoys him. That’s not good enough. He can’t spend the holiday leaving her out - he’s old enough to know that’s not acceptable. Both your sons need to make an effort to include their sister.

I’m wondering if he’s your step DS though?

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 02/05/2023 07:50

If he wants to come to Alton Towers, surely he can just pay the additional costs involved?

Although how is it costing an extra £600 for one person - are you staying on-site?

Personally I would be booking a cheaper hotel somewhere and bringing the 19yo if that's the case. He's at the prime age to love theme parks and rides.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 02/05/2023 07:50

Blankscreen · 02/05/2023 07:47

DS is obsessed and I mean obsessed with the gym. So the whole break away will be I imagine be centred around his eating protein/ calories for a 'clean ' bulk.

Unless you live with this madness I don't think you can realise how irritating and suffocating it can be.

You don't sound as though you like him very much at all.

LuckySantangelo35 · 02/05/2023 07:51

MaryShelley1818 · 02/05/2023 07:44

You really don't sound like you like your 19yr old child very much.
I agree with your DH, I wouldn't say no to one of my children coming although I do understand your frustration with them.

@MaryShelley1818

what even if that means that it’s too expensive for the younger ones to be able to go to? The 29 year old is getting two holidays already that the youngest ones aren’t getting

the “you don’t like them very much” line always gets wheeled out lol

WeWereInParis · 02/05/2023 07:52

He's getting the Barcelona trip without his younger siblings, presumably because they would change the dynamic of the trip which is for him.

The younger siblings get to go to Alton towers. That seems fair to me.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 02/05/2023 07:52

Teenagers often go through eating fads. My ds at that age was obsessed with protein as well, his bedroom was full of expensive powders. I didn’t dislike him for it though.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/05/2023 07:52

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 02/05/2023 07:50

If he wants to come to Alton Towers, surely he can just pay the additional costs involved?

Although how is it costing an extra £600 for one person - are you staying on-site?

Personally I would be booking a cheaper hotel somewhere and bringing the 19yo if that's the case. He's at the prime age to love theme parks and rides.

I think probably the hotel is one of those with the room split into a double bed room for parents or a lone adult, and then a small bunk room off the side for two kids.

So an extra 19 yo wouldn’t fit in there and would need their own room. Which I’m also guessing the 12 yo might then be aiming to share with him, changing dynamics again.

LuckySantangelo35 · 02/05/2023 07:54

fizzyfood · 02/05/2023 07:47

If I were in your situation I'd say yes come with us, his financial situation means you'll have to pay, which I would, he's 19 so there won't be many family holidays together left so I'd be happy he was coming.

@fizzyfood

i dunno! You read on here of sons and daughters who try and gatecrash their parents holidays when they’re well into their twenties and thirties in the hope of a free holiday!

WeWereInParis · 02/05/2023 07:55

DH says how can we say no??

To the Alton towers trip? Presumably the same way you'd say no to the younger siblings if they asked to tag along to Barcelona.

The family holiday I think is more unreasonable to exclude him from. Personally I'd have paid for him to come on the family holiday but said he had to fund the trip with mates himself.

LuckySantangelo35 · 02/05/2023 07:55

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 02/05/2023 07:52

Teenagers often go through eating fads. My ds at that age was obsessed with protein as well, his bedroom was full of expensive powders. I didn’t dislike him for it though.

@ThroughThickAndThin01

she hasn’t said she dislikes him, just that she finds that behaviour irritating. Which she’s allowed to.