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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

19 year old and Holidays

325 replies

Blankscreen · 02/05/2023 07:37

Not sure if I am being unreasonable.

DS is 19 currently in a gap year and working and saving for uni.

He is going on mates holiday which we are paying towards.

Dh is taking him to Barcelona for a long weekend for his birthday in a couple of months.

Last year Ds didn't want to come on our main family holiday so stayed at home.

DS comes and goes as he pleases and is generally not involved in family life. Not interested in anyone or anything. Fair enough he's 19.

But here's the rub.

I wanted to take the other 2 dc to Alton towers in half term for a couple of days. 19 year old has announced that he wants to come.

He also wants to come on a 'free' summer holiday with the family. Except its not free. We will be footing the bill.

AIBU to not want him coming.

I looked at Alton towers and the cost for adding 1 extra person is ludicrous it goes from £800 ish to £1400 ish.

Similarly the summer holiday cost goes up hugely because we end up having 2 rooms.

The other DC are 12 ans 9 and having 19 year old there completely changes the dynamic as he and 12 year old ds will probably play in the pool and 9 year old dd will be left out.

9 year old dd annoys 19 year old ds for example he says that she 'airs' him and so he doesn't bother talking to her.

. DH says how can we say no??.

OP posts:
Xrays · 02/05/2023 16:02

Buebananas · 02/05/2023 15:46

I absolutely would want my 19 year old with us on a family holiday! Especially if he is keen to come with us.

He's not working full time, he's off to Uni and he's part of your family! I'm actually shocked by some of the answers here.

Me too 😳

LuckySantangelo35 · 02/05/2023 16:12

@Xrays
@Buebananas

lol
only on mumsnet - if you don’t do every everything single thing that your offspring demand you to do , that you get accused of not liking them!
lol

Pearfacebananapoop · 02/05/2023 16:14

For Alton towers potentially book a stargazer pod separately should be cheaper and potentIally he pays.

SeasonFinale · 02/05/2023 16:21

As long as my uni aged kids wanted to come on holiday with me I was (a) happy they wanted to come too and (b) happy to pay for them.

Working through his gap year is presumably so that he can fund uni when he starts so I wouldn't be taking that money away from them.

If you feel differently then so be it. But don't expect them to then drop everything when you want them to show up for Christmas or family events when you decide to exclude them now.

SeasonFinale · 02/05/2023 16:22

LuckySantangelo35 · 02/05/2023 16:12

@Xrays
@Buebananas

lol
only on mumsnet - if you don’t do every everything single thing that your offspring demand you to do , that you get accused of not liking them!
lol

whereas my take would be only on MN do people still expect their kids to pay their own way for family events ....

Each to their own

I8toys · 02/05/2023 16:32

We have a 19 year old at uni. He's just come on our Spanish holiday with us. TBH it is expensive but its not forever. I like the fact he still wants to spend time with us and I enjoy his company. He pays for his own holidays with mates/girlfriend. Your DS will be off in October and you'll miss him.

Buebananas · 02/05/2023 16:34

Your son is saving his money to go to Uni, so how can he afford to pay for a family holiday?

Just because your children turn 18 doesn't mean they're no longer part of your family, and I could not even imagine not wanting my 19 and 21 year olds to join us on holiday, especially if they actually want to come!! I'm so looking forward to spending time with them this summer on holiday!

LuckySantangelo35 · 02/05/2023 16:38

@Buebananas

”I could not even imagine not wanting my 19 and 21 year olds to join us on holiday”

well I’m sure you will at some point! When they are like thirty or whatever you’ll be wanting holidays just you and your husband

wineandsunshine · 02/05/2023 16:41

Laughing at the protein comment - my 17 year old is exactly the same. Won't get up early but does make it to the gym every bloody day!

Anyway! We have booked a family holiday and he is joining us at the expense of another room this year. However, we haven't been abroad for ten years and I do think it will be lovely to have us all together (despite them all messing about together - all boys!!)

Buebananas · 02/05/2023 16:45

LuckySantangelo35 · 02/05/2023 16:38

@Buebananas

”I could not even imagine not wanting my 19 and 21 year olds to join us on holiday”

well I’m sure you will at some point! When they are like thirty or whatever you’ll be wanting holidays just you and your husband

I'm not sure. I can imagine always being pleased to spend time with my (adult) children and their families. Wouldn't most families?

00100001 · 02/05/2023 16:48

SeasonFinale · 02/05/2023 16:22

whereas my take would be only on MN do people still expect their kids to pay their own way for family events ....

Each to their own

Show quote history

He's not 9...

rookiemere · 02/05/2023 17:03

No to Alton Towers that is for the younger DCs.
Did you ask him originally if he wanted to go on the family holiday? Was it presented as an either/or for your contribution to the mates trip ?

Newyeardietstartstomorrow · 02/05/2023 17:08

I was sort of in your eldest's position, as my dps decided to had a random 3rd child when I was 10. I love her now we are all grown ups, but at the time she was a pita and changed the dynamics of our family completely. I know I was also a pita to the rest of the family, because naturally the youngest took priority and I resented it. Your choice was to have 3 kids with large age gap, so you have to make it work. DS should now get the choice, holiday with his mates or Alton Towers.

Notimeforaname · 02/05/2023 17:20

Hes getting two holidays this year paid by you.. but he wants four? 🤣 nah you're doing more than enough for him.

JesusMaryAndJosephAndTheWeeDon · 02/05/2023 17:26

I think as he is going away with DH fully paid for and has had a contribution to the cost of his lads holiday plus he is working then it is fair enough to tell him he can come but he has to pay the extra.

He almost certainly won't come if it isn't free.

If he says this isn't fair, then depending upon how much you are contributing to the boys holiday you could compromise and agree that he pays say half the extra cost.

Xrays · 02/05/2023 18:09

LuckySantangelo35 · 02/05/2023 16:38

@Buebananas

”I could not even imagine not wanting my 19 and 21 year olds to join us on holiday”

well I’m sure you will at some point! When they are like thirty or whatever you’ll be wanting holidays just you and your husband

Not everyone feels like this. I’d ideally want both - I love spending time with my adult dd.

Original poster
Blankscreen · 02/05/2023 18:28

So an update.

I don't think he actually really wants to come on the summer holiday to spend time with us. Just sees it a a free week to lie in the sun to improve his tan.
Last year he didn't want to come away as it would be boring so we assumed the same would apply this year. Hence the offer to pay towards the holiday with his mates. We've giving him £1k so not insignificant.

The birthday trip is all booked and paid for again his half is about £1k.

I think I'll say yes to Alton towers but if he want to come away in the summer holiday he needs to pay for his own mates holiday.

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/05/2023 18:39

Is the cost of him coming on holiday with you also about 1k? Sounds a reasonable trade - one or the other.

SwedishEdith · 02/05/2023 18:41

You've spent more than enough on him and he's getting a good quality time trip to Barcelona. He's probably just suffering FOMO. Ideally, he could fly out for part of the holiday if you hadn't already booked other things for him. That reinforces the independent adult bit as well as his sidelining the youngest not dominating the holiday. It's a difficult time - will they/won't they grace you with their presence on holiday? I understand your dilemma completely.

Notimeforaname · 02/05/2023 18:43

That's totally fair to offer him one holiday or the other.

tootiredtospeak · 02/05/2023 18:45

He is your son you cant just say no he is 19 not 29. Just say if he comes he pays the difference on what it costs you. Either he pays his way or no he cant come.

thismummydrinksgin · 02/05/2023 18:46

Everyone slating Op for not wanting him to come needs to wake up. Similar situation in our house , the dynamics changing will dampen mom and dads holiday as they will end up entertaining 9 ur old! OP I get it, tell him he has to pay to come and explain about Alton towers too. He needs to realise that he's not a kid any more and his impact on the family. Could you get him to help out with younger child?

Sparkletastic · 02/05/2023 18:47

He's had £1k x 2 towards holidays off you. He doesn't get Alton Towers and the family holiday too.

redskylight · 02/05/2023 18:48

Buebananas · 02/05/2023 15:48

I'm not sure whether you don't want him there because of cost or because you don't want him there.
It's ok not to want a 19 year old to go on family holidays.

What? It's ok to not want a 19 year old to join you on a family holiday??Confused

Well my 19 year old is coming on our family holiday :) But all families are different and I don't think it's intrinsically wrong to not want a 19 year old on a family holiday. However, if you don't, you may wish to consider how this will affect your future relationship (although if you don't want them to come on holiday, chances are you are already not super close).

Notimeforaname · 02/05/2023 18:50

My friend found this age really awkward with her son too. Obviously they are not mature grown ups yet and you still want to help them as much as possible but they do need to start learning these lessons eventually , that's also part of raising them to be good adults. They need to know not everything will be catered for the way it was when they were a minor..and yea its uncomfortable and feels unfair but that's life.

I remember my friends son looking absolutely gutted when he realised he didn't get a Halloween mid term when he got his first job. 🤣
He was disgusted he only had 4 weeks AL for A WHOLE YEAR, he couldn't understand "how people can live like this" 🤣😂
Totally derailed your thread there op but it just reminded me.

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