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AIBU?

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Original poster

19 year old and Holidays

325 replies

Blankscreen · 02/05/2023 07:37

Not sure if I am being unreasonable.

DS is 19 currently in a gap year and working and saving for uni.

He is going on mates holiday which we are paying towards.

Dh is taking him to Barcelona for a long weekend for his birthday in a couple of months.

Last year Ds didn't want to come on our main family holiday so stayed at home.

DS comes and goes as he pleases and is generally not involved in family life. Not interested in anyone or anything. Fair enough he's 19.

But here's the rub.

I wanted to take the other 2 dc to Alton towers in half term for a couple of days. 19 year old has announced that he wants to come.

He also wants to come on a 'free' summer holiday with the family. Except its not free. We will be footing the bill.

AIBU to not want him coming.

I looked at Alton towers and the cost for adding 1 extra person is ludicrous it goes from £800 ish to £1400 ish.

Similarly the summer holiday cost goes up hugely because we end up having 2 rooms.

The other DC are 12 ans 9 and having 19 year old there completely changes the dynamic as he and 12 year old ds will probably play in the pool and 9 year old dd will be left out.

9 year old dd annoys 19 year old ds for example he says that she 'airs' him and so he doesn't bother talking to her.

. DH says how can we say no??.

OP posts:
LuckySantangelo35 · 02/05/2023 21:00

Buebananas · 02/05/2023 20:58

No, of course I wouldn't fund their holidays when they're working and earning a salary!

They can pay for ours then Grin

@Buebananas

too right!

Greenpin · 02/05/2023 21:02

One ofthe holidays is a birthday present ( an expensive one! ) but still a present so not quite the same as just handing out money for a trip. Unless of course Alton Towers is your other children's birthday presents?
I

MayDayMay · 02/05/2023 21:04

We used to let out DC pick and choose at that age. I would never say no to my DC coming at 19.
I found getting two rooms made the trip a lot more enjoyable, two wardrobes, two bathrooms etc was a big enhancement.

RunningRunningRunningRunningRunning · 02/05/2023 21:04

If he wants to join in he has to foot the bill. Extra room on holiday and flights he should pay, alton towers he pays for his ticket and accommodation. You'll find he doesn't want to come when you tell him how much it'll cost.

He's a working adult he needs to cover the cost himself.

Harry12345 · 02/05/2023 21:07

I’d say no to paying for him going to Alton towers as he is getting to go to Barcelona but will pay as long as I can afford for my kids to come on holiday as it won’t be forever x

tolerable · 02/05/2023 21:08

can you -perhaps...induldge in...catering to such (age revelant entitlement) maybe say...........you can block book a few sunbed sessions?/couple of st tropez insta mousse n a "mum"tatoo???,,,,want to feel have excelled at parents n trust 19yo to be "independent"with your home whilst away??cant put it on fbook-til it happens??????/
or try "NO" cos 19= ADULT(says me/age 50/whos ma would never "invite"anyplace without pay for it.....her has been solo travels worldwide-i dont\never would ask be a plus 1)
as for the not zakli flattering behaviour to younger sibling......(s)too Late for why thats been allowed.
is role model/again adult/wind that in

CurlsandCurves · 02/05/2023 21:11

MayDayMay · 02/05/2023 21:04

We used to let out DC pick and choose at that age. I would never say no to my DC coming at 19.
I found getting two rooms made the trip a lot more enjoyable, two wardrobes, two bathrooms etc was a big enhancement.

I agree, it’s a difficult one. DS is almost 18, works full time on an apprenticeship. He has chosen to go away with friends on holiday and also a festival, all of which he has paid for himself.

But had he not chosen to do this and wanted to come away with us, I think I would have asked for a contribution, as where we are going would cost a lot more than what he’s paying for his lads holiday. And he earns more than enough to be able to afford it.

raincamepouringdown · 02/05/2023 21:12

takealettermsjones · 02/05/2023 07:43

He's getting two holidays (funded by you) that the other kids are not getting, so I think it's reasonable to lay that out for him and say you can have X amount towards your lads trip OR we can pay for you to come with us etc.

However I think you're unreasonable for actively not wanting him to come with you. He's your son.

I agree with this.

He's getting paid for holidays. They're not going to Barcelona with him and your DH. And they're not going on a lad's holiday that you're giving him money for.

You can't afford the massive increase in costs to take him, so you won't be funding him to come on this one. Is what it is.

Buebananas · 02/05/2023 21:13

Where did I say that I would fund my adult children's holiday once they are working and earning a salary?Confused

Buebananas · 02/05/2023 21:15

RunningRunningRunningRunningRunning · 02/05/2023 21:04

If he wants to join in he has to foot the bill. Extra room on holiday and flights he should pay, alton towers he pays for his ticket and accommodation. You'll find he doesn't want to come when you tell him how much it'll cost.

He's a working adult he needs to cover the cost himself.

I thought he's on a gap year saving money to fund his University degree?

Jas5mum · 02/05/2023 21:19

Pearfacebananapoop · 02/05/2023 16:14

For Alton towers potentially book a stargazer pod separately should be cheaper and potentIally he pays.

I was thinking the same.
Some rooms are suitable for 5 people like the enchanted village.
Can he even get the dates off work? Does he drive?
I'd think it would be more fun for him to go with his mates.
The summer depends where you're going and what you're doing. I'd ask him to pay his share. He wants to be part of the family still before he goes to uni and becomes a adult.

Merryoldgoat · 02/05/2023 21:24

He doesn’t sound very nice.

EatYourVegetables · 02/05/2023 21:25

Is it his fault there are 5 of you, ie that you decided to have 3 kids?

YABU.

User6589310 · 02/05/2023 21:29

You sound mean and unloving.
But I think your ideas on money are back to front.

A holiday with his mates- HE pays for that.

His holiday with his dad- you're funding that- your idea, your choice. Don't hold it against him.

A family holiday he wants to join in- YOU pay for that as you can't exclude him from the family.

When mine were 19, if they wanted to come on a family holiday we'd have paid for them.

Your mistake is to pay for his holiday with his mates and then hold it against him.

WilsonMilson · 02/05/2023 21:30

Gosh, I can’t ever imagine feeling this way, my ds is 17 and I’d happily have him holiday with us for as long as he wants, I honestly treasure any time he wants to spend with us. Just find it quite sad you feel that way about your son.

User6589310 · 02/05/2023 21:33

WilsonMilson · 02/05/2023 21:30

Gosh, I can’t ever imagine feeling this way, my ds is 17 and I’d happily have him holiday with us for as long as he wants, I honestly treasure any time he wants to spend with us. Just find it quite sad you feel that way about your son.

Exactly.

You need to give your head a wobble.

My DCs went away from age 16 with their friends (UK hols at that age.) They paid for those out of their savings and p/t jobs. (Both did A levels and then degrees.)

Can't see it's your role to pay for him to holiday with his friends- you've given him £1k???

That's wrong.

And don't blame him for the Barcelona trip. His dad's organised that.

Booklover40 · 02/05/2023 21:37

The "oh you're so mean for not taking him on the family holiday" comments are confusing to me - are these posters not reading the OP's first post?

Ds is having a holiday with his mates that op is paying towards and also a weekend to Barcelona with his dad, paid for by his parents. The younger dc's aren't getting this.

He is also working. Why should he get to go on another free holiday AND an expensive trip to a theme park?

No - tell him he has to choose one or the other - family holiday or money towards holiday with his mates and weekend away for his birthday.

The posters saying you are being mean are ridiculous.

Dontworkmondays · 02/05/2023 21:41

He’s 19 and your son. How can you even consider excluding him when he wants to come?

HydrangeaFairy · 02/05/2023 21:43

I can't imagine excluding one member of the family. My DC have been on holidays with us every year (paid for by me, because I can) into their mid 20s. I love their company and it's lovely family time. I won't take any money off them but they always offer and are very appreciative.

LuckySantangelo35 · 02/05/2023 21:43

Dontworkmondays · 02/05/2023 21:41

He’s 19 and your son. How can you even consider excluding him when he wants to come?

@Dontworkmondays

maybe cos she’s not made of money! He’s already being bought a hol to Barcelona and a holiday with his mates. He’s working he can contribute something to the family holiday if he wants to come (not every thing he earns has to
go towards uni).

PhillySub · 02/05/2023 21:44

You are contributing to his holiday with his mates, your DH is taking him to Spain and now he wants to join the family holiday. That would be a serious conversation around him opting in and out of family life as and when it suits him at the disadvantage and cost to everybody else. He is an adult and he should be working.

slowquickstep · 02/05/2023 21:45

MaryShelley1818 · 02/05/2023 07:44

You really don't sound like you like your 19yr old child very much.
I agree with your DH, I wouldn't say no to one of my children coming although I do understand your frustration with them.

He is not a child, he is an adult that already has part of his holiday paid by his parents.

Branleuse · 02/05/2023 21:49

Id take him on the family holiday. Might be the last one. Not alton towers though unless he pays

SchmeltzHerring · 02/05/2023 21:51

Hmm.... I thought this sounded like quite a cold way to talk about your own son, and more like how women on here talk about their stepchildren, so I did an advanced search and he is your stepson isn't he? Unless you happen to have both a son and a stepson who are currently taking gap years and are obsessed with the gym.

Anyway, your husband is on 6 x your wage, so I think it's up to him really if he wants to pay an extra few hundred quid to take his son on holiday.

Florenz · 02/05/2023 21:53

If he's working how will he get enough time off for 2 sets of holidays?

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