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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

19 year old and Holidays

325 replies

Blankscreen · 02/05/2023 07:37

Not sure if I am being unreasonable.

DS is 19 currently in a gap year and working and saving for uni.

He is going on mates holiday which we are paying towards.

Dh is taking him to Barcelona for a long weekend for his birthday in a couple of months.

Last year Ds didn't want to come on our main family holiday so stayed at home.

DS comes and goes as he pleases and is generally not involved in family life. Not interested in anyone or anything. Fair enough he's 19.

But here's the rub.

I wanted to take the other 2 dc to Alton towers in half term for a couple of days. 19 year old has announced that he wants to come.

He also wants to come on a 'free' summer holiday with the family. Except its not free. We will be footing the bill.

AIBU to not want him coming.

I looked at Alton towers and the cost for adding 1 extra person is ludicrous it goes from £800 ish to £1400 ish.

Similarly the summer holiday cost goes up hugely because we end up having 2 rooms.

The other DC are 12 ans 9 and having 19 year old there completely changes the dynamic as he and 12 year old ds will probably play in the pool and 9 year old dd will be left out.

9 year old dd annoys 19 year old ds for example he says that she 'airs' him and so he doesn't bother talking to her.

. DH says how can we say no??.

OP posts:
00100001 · 02/05/2023 07:56

Tell DH you can say no quite easily, because DS is going on holiday with DH alone, so unless DH and DS want the 12 and 9yo to tag along with them, then it's no....

tabulahrasa · 02/05/2023 07:57

I’d just be honest and tell him that because you’re paying for his two other holidays you can’t afford to pay for him to go to Alton towers as well... if he wants to go, he’ll need to pay.

If you weren’t paying for those, yeah I think it’d be unfair to exclude him, but, not when in those circumstances.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 02/05/2023 07:57

WeWereInParis · 02/05/2023 07:52

He's getting the Barcelona trip without his younger siblings, presumably because they would change the dynamic of the trip which is for him.

The younger siblings get to go to Alton towers. That seems fair to me.

The Barcelona trip is his birthday present though. Of course his siblings aren't invited - just as he wouldn't be invited if they went to Go Ape or something with their mates for the day.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 02/05/2023 07:57

LuckySantangelo35 · 02/05/2023 07:55

@ThroughThickAndThin01

she hasn’t said she dislikes him, just that she finds that behaviour irritating. Which she’s allowed to.

Show quote history

‘dislike’ of his behaviour then. She doesn’t want him to come in holiday because of it! That’s a strong reaction.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/05/2023 12:48

This was such an interesting thread, and suddenly came to an abrupt stop!

Would love to hear from the OP as to whether any of the replies have altered or reinforced her thinking, and also whether the 19 yo is in fact a DSS to her.

CheersForThatEh · 02/05/2023 12:52

The age gap is neither here nor here. He had no say in it.

Next time better communication about what you can afford to do. Could have said up front that Barcelona is only possible if not doing Alton. You cant do that now because it's already planned an emotionally manipulative to say he can only have his birthday treat if he doesnt go on a family trip to alton.

00100001 · 02/05/2023 13:14

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/05/2023 12:48

This was such an interesting thread, and suddenly came to an abrupt stop!

Would love to hear from the OP as to whether any of the replies have altered or reinforced her thinking, and also whether the 19 yo is in fact a DSS to her.

She probably is at work!

JulieHoney · 02/05/2023 13:17

If he wants to joun you at Alton Towers he has to pay his own way.

00100001 · 02/05/2023 13:18

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 02/05/2023 07:57

‘dislike’ of his behaviour then. She doesn’t want him to come in holiday because of it! That’s a strong reaction.

Show quote history

To be fair, other people being fucking fussy about food and/or going on about it all the time can partly ruin a holiday.

Went on holiday with someone who was vegetarian, wouldn't eat carbs, only wanted fresh vegetables etc it was fucking pain, because every single meal and snack was just all about her. Oh we can't go there because of X,yz, no not there I can't eat anything there... I can't eat until x time.

Fucking annoying when you just want something quick/ street food, because she either left us to find something to eat, and would get pissy if we didn't hang around, or would miss out on things etc

It's draining.

aSofaNearYou · 02/05/2023 13:28

He's getting two holidays already, it's totally reasonable to say you won't pay for anymore and he needs to pay if he wants to come.

LuckySantangelo35 · 02/05/2023 13:29

00100001 · 02/05/2023 13:18

To be fair, other people being fucking fussy about food and/or going on about it all the time can partly ruin a holiday.

Went on holiday with someone who was vegetarian, wouldn't eat carbs, only wanted fresh vegetables etc it was fucking pain, because every single meal and snack was just all about her. Oh we can't go there because of X,yz, no not there I can't eat anything there... I can't eat until x time.

Fucking annoying when you just want something quick/ street food, because she either left us to find something to eat, and would get pissy if we didn't hang around, or would miss out on things etc

It's draining.

Show quote history

Urgh how annoying!

its supposed to be a holiday I.e about relaxing and going with the flow!

2bazookas · 02/05/2023 13:58

Cut the apron strings. He wants freedom; hand it to him.

You should NOT be paying for his mates holidays; he should get a job and his earnings will dictate his independent travel and social plans.

LuckySantangelo35 · 02/05/2023 14:03

aSofaNearYou · 02/05/2023 13:28

He's getting two holidays already, it's totally reasonable to say you won't pay for anymore and he needs to pay if he wants to come.

This!
really don’t see how anyone could argue with this

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 02/05/2023 15:00

He's already having a holiday with his mates and a trip to Barcelona with his dad. In this case I'd be saying that the AT trip is for your dc as he's having a trip to Barcelona paid for. He's more than welcome to come but will need to pay for himself.

As for the holiday, again he's going away with mates, which you're contributing towards, so the family holiday with the younger kids is what they get as they are too young to go alone. Again, he's more than welcome to come but he needs to pay a % towards costs etc

Skybluepinky · 02/05/2023 15:15

It’s yr child who isn’t financially independent so would expect to be invited.

redskylight · 02/05/2023 15:28

I'm not sure whether you don't want him there because of cost or because you don't want him there.
It's ok not to want a 19 year old to go on family holidays.
It's also ok not to want to pay for a 19 year old.
But I'd hope you were consistent with all your children when they get to that age.

Are you financially supporting him at university?

Xrays · 02/05/2023 15:34

I don’t understand why you’re paying towards him going on a holiday with his mates 😳 my dd is 19 and at university and we pay for her to come on our family summer holidays (Haven and a week abroad) but I wouldn’t give her money to go away with her mates!

Equalitea · 02/05/2023 15:45

It is such a tricky one.

If he wanted to go to Alton Towers then I’d say he had to pay his own way.

With regards to the summer holiday, have a Frank discussion with him, he is going on holiday with his friends, you’re already contributing towards that, so maybe you can only afford to take him on holiday with you if you aren’t contributing towards that?

For my own children, whilst at university (yes even masters, straight after undergraduate) I paid for a family holiday each year and helped where I could throughout the year, however gap years and after university the rule was if they wanted to come, they paid themselves because in my opinion they should be working!

Buebananas · 02/05/2023 15:46

I absolutely would want my 19 year old with us on a family holiday! Especially if he is keen to come with us.

He's not working full time, he's off to Uni and he's part of your family! I'm actually shocked by some of the answers here.

Buebananas · 02/05/2023 15:48

I'm not sure whether you don't want him there because of cost or because you don't want him there.
It's ok not to want a 19 year old to go on family holidays.

What? It's ok to not want a 19 year old to join you on a family holiday??Confused

ISpyNoPlumPie · 02/05/2023 15:48

tabulahrasa · 02/05/2023 07:57

I’d just be honest and tell him that because you’re paying for his two other holidays you can’t afford to pay for him to go to Alton towers as well... if he wants to go, he’ll need to pay.

If you weren’t paying for those, yeah I think it’d be unfair to exclude him, but, not when in those circumstances.

Voted YANBU because I agree with this. He has two other holidays. If he wants to come on another and go to Alton Towers, he pays. I wonder what he will decide...?

Buebananas · 02/05/2023 15:50

Even my 21 year old dc comes with us on family holidays - she's part of the family! She's a university student and works hard so we help her financially and pay for her share of our holidays.

Bbq1 · 02/05/2023 15:50

Blankscreen · 02/05/2023 07:47

DS is obsessed and I mean obsessed with the gym. So the whole break away will be I imagine be centred around his eating protein/ calories for a 'clean ' bulk.

Unless you live with this madness I don't think you can realise how irritating and suffocating it can be.

Your poor son. You really dislike him it seems. Sad

outdooryone · 02/05/2023 15:54

Once mine were 18 they were treated as independent adults staying in my/ex's house.
They therefore contribute 20% of their earnings* and pay their way on anything that isn't day to day household - like holidays or days out. They even did this when earning to pay for a gap year.
I also expect that if they can, they on occasion pay for the coffee out or similar for us both.
.
.
*the 20% earnings goes into a savings account for them - but they only get it back when needed - e.g. deposit on a home, needing a car for work etc.

mondaytosunday · 02/05/2023 15:55

Ah OP I also have a gym and diet obsessed 19 year old!
Alton Towers he doesn't go as it's the trip fir the younger ones and he's already doing a solo trip with his Dad. It's not the paying, it is as you say the dynamic.
If he wants to go on family trip say if he comes then no contributions to his lads trip and if he does come with you he has to agree to do stuff as a family.
Is he working this summer? He should, snd whether how can have all this time off when he presumably should be earning what he can?
As for not wanting him, frankly my 19 year old can be very prickly and after last summers trip my 17 year old refuses to go away with him and I don't blame her.

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