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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

19 year old and Holidays

325 replies

Blankscreen · 02/05/2023 07:37

Not sure if I am being unreasonable.

DS is 19 currently in a gap year and working and saving for uni.

He is going on mates holiday which we are paying towards.

Dh is taking him to Barcelona for a long weekend for his birthday in a couple of months.

Last year Ds didn't want to come on our main family holiday so stayed at home.

DS comes and goes as he pleases and is generally not involved in family life. Not interested in anyone or anything. Fair enough he's 19.

But here's the rub.

I wanted to take the other 2 dc to Alton towers in half term for a couple of days. 19 year old has announced that he wants to come.

He also wants to come on a 'free' summer holiday with the family. Except its not free. We will be footing the bill.

AIBU to not want him coming.

I looked at Alton towers and the cost for adding 1 extra person is ludicrous it goes from £800 ish to £1400 ish.

Similarly the summer holiday cost goes up hugely because we end up having 2 rooms.

The other DC are 12 ans 9 and having 19 year old there completely changes the dynamic as he and 12 year old ds will probably play in the pool and 9 year old dd will be left out.

9 year old dd annoys 19 year old ds for example he says that she 'airs' him and so he doesn't bother talking to her.

. DH says how can we say no??.

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 02/05/2023 18:53

Blankscreen · 02/05/2023 18:28

So an update.

I don't think he actually really wants to come on the summer holiday to spend time with us. Just sees it a a free week to lie in the sun to improve his tan.
Last year he didn't want to come away as it would be boring so we assumed the same would apply this year. Hence the offer to pay towards the holiday with his mates. We've giving him £1k so not insignificant.

The birthday trip is all booked and paid for again his half is about £1k.

I think I'll say yes to Alton towers but if he want to come away in the summer holiday he needs to pay for his own mates holiday.

Seems the ideal conclusion OP. It's quite simple really - he's already had the maximum appropriate amount spent on him. If he wants to do both things, he will need to choose which one you pay for.

Motheranddaughter · 02/05/2023 18:53

Ours are 19 and 22 and if they come on holiday we pay

Notimeforaname · 02/05/2023 18:54

Ours are 19 and 22 and if they come on holiday we pay

Would you also pay for/ towards their holidays with their mates too?

MysteryBelle · 02/05/2023 18:56

hmm, you seem awfully harsh toward your elder son. Is it possible to sit down with him and have a talk? Ask him to spend time with his 9 year old sister and not just his 12 year old brother? Just tell him your concerns. Sounds like you’re not close to him anymore. That’s a shame, op.

You come across as favoring your nine year old daughter. Your 12 yr old son you don’t see as a problem because he will go along with whatever you want to do or have him do. Maybe take a holiday just you and dd so you can focus on her for a whole trip. Then you won’t be as resentful toward your eldest when you’re on family holiday.

It’s very sad how you speak about your 19 year old. Soon he will be off to university and you won’t get to see him much at all. I don’t understand your hostility. It’s like his very presence is ruining your time with your daughter. Very very sad. You say his bad points that you can’t stand is that he likes to have fun in the pool with his brother which you say leaves dd out and that he likes working out and is trying to eat protein etc, many boys do this.

I hope you haven’t made it as plain to him as you have to us about your intense dislike for a normal teenage boy—your son. Maybe he is not the one with the unhealthy obsession.

Northernladdette · 02/05/2023 18:58

LuckySantangelo35 · 02/05/2023 16:38

@Buebananas

”I could not even imagine not wanting my 19 and 21 year olds to join us on holiday”

well I’m sure you will at some point! When they are like thirty or whatever you’ll be wanting holidays just you and your husband

All the time you’re paying, they’ll come 😂😂

JudgeRudy · 02/05/2023 19:06

I think he only wants to come because someone else is paying. I bet if you all went out for a meal on a meal this week he wouldnt 'give up' his weekend and pay. Now a week or two in the sun aid paid...

rookiemere · 02/05/2023 19:09

If you do pay for him to go to Alton Parks OP, you need to let him know that you need to be with the younger DC at all time - unless he wants to take one on a ride with him - as they are too young to be left to wander alone.
If he wants to go on the big rides, he'll need to go alone presumably due to height restrictions.

cadburyegg · 02/05/2023 19:16

I would pay for him to come on the family holiday but if he wants to come to Alton towers then he has to pay for the extra room and park tickets etc.

Original poster
Blankscreen · 02/05/2023 19:17

Absolutely spot on JudgeRudy. Never wants to come to any family functions but yep a free week in the sun.....

Re the poster saying that I am obsessed with my DD you couldn't have got the family dynamic any more wrong.

But when a 19 year old is deliberately obtuse hostile to a 9 year old it's not nice to witness.

OP posts:
Northtosouth · 02/05/2023 19:27

I agree with PP, DS is getting 2 holidays that the other 2 aren’t.
Surely he isn’t entitled to 4 while everyone else gets 2?

Dibbydoos · 02/05/2023 19:30

Who knew Alton Towers was so expensive! Wtf!!! But I think you should take him.

Ref family holiday, no he can go away with his mates or you, he can't have both....

Runnerduck34 · 02/05/2023 19:30

takealettermsjones · 02/05/2023 07:43

He's getting two holidays (funded by you) that the other kids are not getting, so I think it's reasonable to lay that out for him and say you can have X amount towards your lads trip OR we can pay for you to come with us etc.

However I think you're unreasonable for actively not wanting him to come with you. He's your son.

Agree with the above

Motheranddaughter · 02/05/2023 19:46

They would pay from their allowance,although I would normally give them say £100

MysteryBelle · 02/05/2023 19:57

Did you say the 19 year old is your stepson, may have missed one of your posts? You say he is hostile to 9 year old and that’s why you’re hostile to him.

Hold a family meeting with him and be honest and say you believe he only wants a free vacation. That he is not nice to his little sister. That he only cares about a free tan and getting you to pay for his holidays.

That should put him right off the idea of vacationing with you ever again.

Ask him why he mistreats his sister.

Honesty is the best policy. And you’ll have gotten all this ill feeling toward him off your chest.

MeridaBrave · 02/05/2023 20:18

Ask him if he prefers his holiday budget to go towards his mates holiday and Barcelona or towards the family holiday and Atlon Towers. Explain the budget is £x per person and it’s totally up to him which he prefers.

Buebananas · 02/05/2023 20:21

Is the 19 year old your son or your step son? You don't sound you like him very much.

I have a 19 year old at University and can't wait to see him and spend time with him this summer. He's still part of our family!

CKL987 · 02/05/2023 20:40

Tell him you'll pay for one holiday for him. He can either pick to go on one or go on both but pay for one.

Original poster
Blankscreen · 02/05/2023 20:42

Well a further update.

He doesn't now want to come to Alton Towers as he has plans that weekend to go out for his friend's birthday. 🤷.

We can't go thr following week due to dh's work commitments.

OP posts:
LuckySantangelo35 · 02/05/2023 20:43

Notimeforaname · 02/05/2023 17:20

Hes getting two holidays this year paid by you.. but he wants four? 🤣 nah you're doing more than enough for him.

This!

how could anyone argue with this! If so I’d love to hear it ?!

LuckySantangelo35 · 02/05/2023 20:44

Northernladdette · 02/05/2023 18:58

All the time you’re paying, they’ll come 😂😂

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@Northernladdette

i bet! So where does it end?!

LuckySantangelo35 · 02/05/2023 20:45

Buebananas · 02/05/2023 16:45

I'm not sure. I can imagine always being pleased to spend time with my (adult) children and their families. Wouldn't most families?

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@Buebananas

cos surely it’s nice to have holidays just your husband - couples quality of time? After years and years of family Holidays with the kids

Ducksurprise · 02/05/2023 20:51

Buebananas · 02/05/2023 16:45

I'm not sure. I can imagine always being pleased to spend time with my (adult) children and their families. Wouldn't most families?

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And funding it? My adult children earn more than we do when dependants are taken into account.

KitKatLove · 02/05/2023 20:55

I would be happy that he wanted to spend time with us and would pay for him, no question. MN is so contrary, all the time you read about parents on here happy to subsidise their adult children, buying their grandchildren winter coats or school shoes and yet at 19 he should pay their own way for a family holiday.

LuckySantangelo35 · 02/05/2023 20:56

Ducksurprise · 02/05/2023 20:51

And funding it? My adult children earn more than we do when dependants are taken into account.

Show quote history

This! @Buebananas

Buebananas · 02/05/2023 20:58

No, of course I wouldn't fund their holidays when they're working and earning a salary!

They can pay for ours then Grin

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