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Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

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Original poster

19 year old and Holidays

325 replies

Blankscreen · 02/05/2023 07:37

Not sure if I am being unreasonable.

DS is 19 currently in a gap year and working and saving for uni.

He is going on mates holiday which we are paying towards.

Dh is taking him to Barcelona for a long weekend for his birthday in a couple of months.

Last year Ds didn't want to come on our main family holiday so stayed at home.

DS comes and goes as he pleases and is generally not involved in family life. Not interested in anyone or anything. Fair enough he's 19.

But here's the rub.

I wanted to take the other 2 dc to Alton towers in half term for a couple of days. 19 year old has announced that he wants to come.

He also wants to come on a 'free' summer holiday with the family. Except its not free. We will be footing the bill.

AIBU to not want him coming.

I looked at Alton towers and the cost for adding 1 extra person is ludicrous it goes from £800 ish to £1400 ish.

Similarly the summer holiday cost goes up hugely because we end up having 2 rooms.

The other DC are 12 ans 9 and having 19 year old there completely changes the dynamic as he and 12 year old ds will probably play in the pool and 9 year old dd will be left out.

9 year old dd annoys 19 year old ds for example he says that she 'airs' him and so he doesn't bother talking to her.

. DH says how can we say no??.

OP posts:

joycies · 03/05/2023 21:08

Totally agree. Quite changes any feelings I felt for this rotter/ Teasing tinies - just not on!

joycies · 03/05/2023 21:13

Gosh, there really are some nasty pieces of work in this group. It's making me wish I hadn't joined last week. If these posts weren't anonymous you should be taking some of them to court. Kids take gap years to go apple picking in Australia not to be begging to get taken to Alton Towers. Just hope he isn't planning any career where empathy is needed !

joycies · 03/05/2023 21:31

What wages?

Sillymummy295 · 03/05/2023 21:36

Tempone · 03/05/2023 10:25

My world is so different, at 19 I had a baby, was living on my own etc. My view is potentially skewed because of that. But I really do feel that some people are infantalising him. Between the bullying of a 9 year old and having everything handed to him, it sounds like he needs to grow up a bit.
It's not fair for 9 year old to have her holiday ruined. If she will be left out and ridiculed I would pay for him for holiday but, I would not have paid for lads trip.

This right here, this is western culture infantilising children/tweens/young adults

MNHQ

ImaniMumsnet · 03/05/2023 21:38

Hi everyone, we've received a number of reports on this thread, particularly around posts attacking the OP. We are taking a look and would encourage you to please report anything that concerns you. In the meantime, please could everyone keep in mind our https://www.mumsnet.com/i/netiquette and please post in accordance with them.
Thanks!

Mumsnet's Talk Guidelines | Mumsnet

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https://www.mumsnet.com/i/netiquette

mylifestory · 03/05/2023 23:17

If u didnt want to fork out this way then why have 3 kids? Why not stop at 2? Did u feel this way when he was 17, or 18? U must've known this issue wd arise before today. He's Yr son after all! Surely he's been bickering with sister before now too .... its called a family. If u dont tase him on this trip I doubt he'll ever go with u again. If that's OK with u then play it Yr way

Mumandcarer · 03/05/2023 23:43

If my parents had bought me a £9,000 car I wouldn’t be expecting anything else from them for some time. He’s earning his own money so should have to pay his way. I wouldn’t be rewarding him for the way he treats his half sister anyway. He’s 19 ffs sounds like he’s less mature than the 9:year old.

wellstopdoingitthen · 03/05/2023 23:48

@mylifestory
What an incredibly nasty, spiteful post. The 19yo is her step son. Please have the decency to read OP previous posts.

HipHipCimorene · 04/05/2023 00:02

mylifestory · 03/05/2023 23:17

19yr old is OPs step son

Diagonalley96 · 04/05/2023 00:09

I remember at 19 my mum booked a trip to Florida- this was very much a holiday of a lifetime type holiday for my family and not something we could ever have afforded before then. I was a student at the time on a nursing bursary without a huge income. My mum said it was simply too expensive to add me on initially and I accepted that however she then changed her mind and said she could add me on but I needed to get my own passports, spending money etc. I felt that was reasonable and achievable.

if you have already paid £1000 for his holiday with his friends then I really don’t think yabu.

joycies · 04/05/2023 00:58

Wow, don't so many see totally different views on the same situation. To some readers, the 19 year old lazy, conniving, money grabbing, bully of small sick girls and totally spoilt by his Dad and hated by his SM versus this poor misunderstood softie who has to be taken care of because of his trauma from the divorce who is suffering greatly because he needs family bonding at Alton Towers and also needs his father to realise what a bit.. he now has for a wife, Sort of black or white but NO grey!

aSofaNearYou · 04/05/2023 08:58

joycies · 04/05/2023 00:58

I think the middle ground I that he’s not a money grabbing monster - but he has already had enough spent on him this year and there’s nothing wrong with telling him that.

JollyOldStNicholas · 04/05/2023 08:58

This thread is bonkers. OP I have an 18 (19 this year) year old son. I also have a 9 and 10 year old. Eldest works full time and earns a decent wage. If he wants to come with us now he has to pay for himself. He doesn't want to come with us nowadays anyway but we always ask him and tell him it will cost x amount because the cost practically doubles when youre a family of 5 from a family of 4. I'm not prepared to pay for it but if he wants to we wouldn't exclude him. Like I say he earns a decent wage (more than me!) and still lives at home so is more than capable of paying for himself. That's not to say he's excluded in any way shape or form, he's had 18 years of holidays and day trips, now it's his little brothers turn. The same will apply when they are in full time work. Anyone saying you're being unreasonable clearly cannot comprehend the massive change in dynamics having a young adult with you can make instead of being centred around age appropriate activities for the younger ones. Don't give it a second thought OP, you're doing right!

Pinkfluff76 · 04/05/2023 09:59

Since you’ve given him money for his mates trip and he’s going to Barcelona he definitely shouldn’t be going with you guys too. Then he’s getting extra extra

Jeclop · 04/05/2023 13:40

Blankscreen · 02/05/2023 07:37

Not sure if I am being unreasonable.

DS is 19 currently in a gap year and working and saving for uni.

He is going on mates holiday which we are paying towards.

Dh is taking him to Barcelona for a long weekend for his birthday in a couple of months.

Last year Ds didn't want to come on our main family holiday so stayed at home.

DS comes and goes as he pleases and is generally not involved in family life. Not interested in anyone or anything. Fair enough he's 19.

But here's the rub.

I wanted to take the other 2 dc to Alton towers in half term for a couple of days. 19 year old has announced that he wants to come.

He also wants to come on a 'free' summer holiday with the family. Except its not free. We will be footing the bill.

AIBU to not want him coming.

I looked at Alton towers and the cost for adding 1 extra person is ludicrous it goes from £800 ish to £1400 ish.

Similarly the summer holiday cost goes up hugely because we end up having 2 rooms.

The other DC are 12 ans 9 and having 19 year old there completely changes the dynamic as he and 12 year old ds will probably play in the pool and 9 year old dd will be left out.

9 year old dd annoys 19 year old ds for example he says that she 'airs' him and so he doesn't bother talking to her.

. DH says how can we say no??.

Second part of the post with regard to him not fitting in or messing up the family dynamic seems mean. He is your son!

However, I would find funding 4 holidays for one son and 2 for the others unfair.

I would say 2 trips each. The younger ones will get Alton towers and the family holiday.

He has to pick 2 options from the 4 choices on offer. Boys trip, Barcelona, Alton towers and family holiday.

If the Barcelona trip is a birthday present, then I may be inclined to remove that from the equation and he does get that as a bonus.

He's 19, still at home, about to go to uni and still your child. 🤷‍♀️

Caelan2018 · 04/05/2023 15:19

Omg I can’t believe some of the comments on here the poor woman was asking for advice and opinions and all people keep saying that oh is it your step child you don’t seem to like them much well we have 4 boys 17 ,4,2 and 1 and 100% the 17 is the hardest work!! He same as her Son doesn’t want to go to family functions wants to be with friends but he has his own money and yea we got him a car but it was 4k not 9k He sounds likes he likes causing trouble and acting like he is hard down by cos he is a stepson he thinks he will get away with it .. it would be a No to Alton Towers and if he wants to come on family hol this year then cancel the friends holiday the more he gets the more he wants by the sounds of it ….

2jacqi · 04/05/2023 20:28

you should think yourself lucky that he still wants to come on holiday with you as a family! this will probably be the last time so stop moaning about it!

Ducksurprise · 04/05/2023 21:26

2jacqi · 04/05/2023 20:28

you should think yourself lucky that he still wants to come on holiday with you as a family! this will probably be the last time so stop moaning about it!

Why? Why are they lucky that they are paying for three holidays? When does it stop, are you lucky of your free loading children want to come on a free holiday, eat for free, do as they please even when they are 40?

redskylight · 04/05/2023 21:30

Ducksurprise · 04/05/2023 21:26

Show quote history

I actually do think it's pretty lucky to have such good parent/child relationships when the child is 40 that you all still want to go on holiday together.

I stopped going on holiday with my parents as soon as I was 18 and they couldn't insist any more. And no amount of money or paying for them would make me go again.

MadMadaMim · 04/05/2023 21:58

I was confused with your posts, and quite shocked at your arirufe towards your sone and then all was made clear...

Ok so he is my step son but he isn't some hard done by kid

You seem to be in denial but you clearly do not see him as a son. And if that comes across in a few short posts on MN then it must be clearly obvious to your DSS how you feel about him.

I feel sorry for him. And it's no wonder he doesn't get involved and isn't interested in family life. - he did esnf feel part of the family.

ellyeth · 04/05/2023 22:21

People of that age can be rather self-obsessed and selfish. I think it's unfair of people to judge the OP. Sometimes your children, especially teenagers, can be very hard work. Her son is unpleasant to her daughter so there is a chance that she will feel excluded. Yet he is going to Barcelona - and is holidaying with his friends - so he hasn't really missed out. Perhaps he just likes the idea of having a trip that he doesn't have to contribute to.

Motherofdragons17 · 05/05/2023 08:20

My teenage sons are all like this and I don’t find it irritating at all! I love seeing them look after their health and thank my lucky stars they are not out drinking and taking drugs like some teens. My 19 year old is coming away with us this year and I am delighted that he has decided to come!

joycies · 06/05/2023 17:37

Quite agree. I think the average view seems to be that he shouldn't be expecting so much and needs to grow up !

Daverl1980 · 11/05/2023 21:00

I guarantee from his behaviour that he’s taking more than protein powder for the gym. I would put money on him doing steroids as well. I don’t think people realise just how widespread they are now. And his behaviour towards your nine year old is unacceptable.

Daverl1980 · 11/05/2023 21:05

Oh and OP you’re not unreasonable your DSS is

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