Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

19 year old and Holidays

325 replies

Blankscreen · 02/05/2023 07:37

Not sure if I am being unreasonable.

DS is 19 currently in a gap year and working and saving for uni.

He is going on mates holiday which we are paying towards.

Dh is taking him to Barcelona for a long weekend for his birthday in a couple of months.

Last year Ds didn't want to come on our main family holiday so stayed at home.

DS comes and goes as he pleases and is generally not involved in family life. Not interested in anyone or anything. Fair enough he's 19.

But here's the rub.

I wanted to take the other 2 dc to Alton towers in half term for a couple of days. 19 year old has announced that he wants to come.

He also wants to come on a 'free' summer holiday with the family. Except its not free. We will be footing the bill.

AIBU to not want him coming.

I looked at Alton towers and the cost for adding 1 extra person is ludicrous it goes from £800 ish to £1400 ish.

Similarly the summer holiday cost goes up hugely because we end up having 2 rooms.

The other DC are 12 ans 9 and having 19 year old there completely changes the dynamic as he and 12 year old ds will probably play in the pool and 9 year old dd will be left out.

9 year old dd annoys 19 year old ds for example he says that she 'airs' him and so he doesn't bother talking to her.

. DH says how can we say no??.

OP posts:
User41 · 02/05/2023 21:54

I was in a very similar situation in that my parents had my two younger siblings when I was 11 and then 13. When I turned 18 I was told I had to pay to go on family holidays and they went on an all inclusive abroad.

I was working full time in my gap year before Uni but decided not to pay for the family holiday as I was already going away with friends (which I was paying for).

I can see both sides but it did sting a bit at the time. I used to really enjoy spending time with my family and would do a lot with my younger sisters and I did feel excluded.

Looking back it also feels slightly unfair because my parents have continued to pay for my sisters to go on family holidays as adults in their early twenties and quite expensive ones at that! Also previous family holidays had always been caravans in the UK before the all inclusive abroad one.

However I can see that it would have been much more expensive, I was earning about £1K a month (to myself) and the dynamics would undoubtedly have been different if I attended. I did at the time wonder whether that was the real reason btw and not the money so that may be what the OP’s DS suspects too…

1offnamechange · 02/05/2023 21:56

CordylineHair · 02/05/2023 07:42

The holiday with his mates is his holiday. He doesn't get to go on the family one too. Why isn't he working the summer at 19?? And earning his own money to pay for his own holiday or at least contribute to it.

read the thread. He is working. He's presumably still allowed to have time off, like most workers, over the summer.

I think it's fair enough to say that because you're paying towards his 2 other holidays he has to pay if he wants to go on any more. Probably you should have told him that before you booked your family holidays though. I do think it's a bit mean to basically exclude him.

How on earth is adding on 1 extra ticket to alton towers increasing the price by £600 though? I don't see how it's nearly double the cost to go from 4 people to 5.

rookiemere · 02/05/2023 22:03

@1offnamechange they will need an additional hotel room if elder DS comes.

rainbowssky · 02/05/2023 22:09

Great for your bank balance about Alton towers!

I'd say he can come on the family holiday if he pays his own cost. Tbh the fact his presence would end up with the youngest being left out I wouldn't want him there either as I expect this happens at home? So why would he want the same situation in another country? Because it's a free holiday!

If he's prepared to pay he needs to come though.

However you could be honest about the dynamic with the youngest and say that's why you paid for his holiday without you.

Climbles · 02/05/2023 22:13

Just apologise and say you assumed he didn’t want to come. I’d tell him he can come on the family holiday but you won’t be able to afford to contribute to his mates holiday too. That will put him off without having to go into the whole thing.
Why is he being so awful to his sister? He’s an adult, I wouldn’t put up with him bullying her like that.

HipHipCimorene · 02/05/2023 22:21

Your db is taking him to Barcelona for his holiday….ok
You are helping him pay for a holiday with friends
He has asked to go with you on holiday and Alton Towers as a family.

Given added expense I would suggest he pays for his holiday with his mates
And he joins the family for holiday and AT.
I know this isn’t what others have said. But ( ps I have 20yr old at uni and 2x 19yr old about to go ….all boys ) this may be the
last time you get to spend a holiday together as a family.

He is a member of your family, he has been taking a year off and working to save for uni ( and a friend holiday ).

Why can’t you all go on holiday together possibly for the last time.

Ps. All my boys make their own protein shakes,It’s not unusual. They do weights, run, fence and swim. This is a healthy lifestyle. We support it and buy them extra frozen fruits and bananas to go in their shakes that they make.

User6589310 · 02/05/2023 22:22

He's your stepson.

Shame you didn't mention this at first.

And his dad is very well off ( earns 6 x what you do) and can afford to pay for his son's holiday.

I assume his son lives with you and not his mother? That says a lot and I'd give the kid some slack.

I feel so sorry for this lad. Either his mum has died or he's chosen not to live with her (or she doesn't want him.)

How awful that he doesn't have a loving stepmum.

Because that's how you come over.

HipHipCimorene · 02/05/2023 22:28

Wow. Just read other posts. Hope you don’t treat your 19yr old with such disdain.
Interesting how pp assume your ds19 is at fault for everything.
I feel incredibly sad for him. Remember there is a large age gap before your other two came along so he’s probably grown up feeling left out.

Still feeling shocked that you would even concider arranging a holiday and day out and not ask him along in the first place.

Poor kid.

Londisc · 02/05/2023 22:35

DS is obsessed and I mean obsessed with the gym. So the whole break away will be I imagine be centred around his eating protein/ calories for a 'clean ' bulk.

Why do you think your teenage son has this obsession with diet and exercise, and what are you doing to help him with it?

Original poster
Blankscreen · 02/05/2023 22:40

Ok so he is my step son but he isn't some hard done by kid.

We've just bought him a £9k car!!

He has always come on every family holiday until last year he chose to opt out. Fair enough he was 18.

He's going away with his friends and he's saving for uni so we said we would help him with that and gave him £1k.

Once I stopped going away with my parents that was it. I didn't get to opt in when it suited me.

DH also thought it would be nice for them to spend some quality time together so spoke to ds they agreed on Barcelona and the trip was booked.

But there isn't a bottomless pit of money irrespective of what DH earns.

He doesn't now want to come to Alton Towers as he is going out with his mates that weekend.

OP posts:
Mischance · 02/05/2023 22:41

I guess he still sees himself as part of the family. And you don't.

I don't know how you reconcile that.

Scousefab · 02/05/2023 22:42

You all aren’t invited on his trip. I would say no problem we will come on your mates holiday too then since we paying for it. Explain you have used money for his friend only trip and therefore can’t afford to add extra room.

Original poster
Blankscreen · 02/05/2023 22:43

FFS he is part of the family

Nothing is actually booked we have just been looking at holidays talking about them generally.

He hasn't been excluded.

He will be getting more holidays than anyone!

OP posts:
EmmaEmerald · 02/05/2023 22:44

What does he mean when he says his sister "airs" him?

Londisc · 02/05/2023 22:47

You don't need to pay for all his extra holidays and family holidays etc.

Why do you think your teenage stepson is obsessed with diet and exercise to the point you find it "suffocating"? What is his father doing to address this?

Original poster
Blankscreen · 02/05/2023 22:48

She has got glue ear so doesn't always hear back ground noise.

So if for example he walks in the kitchen and says something to her from behind, he gets annoyed if she doesn't respond.

We have explained many times that she probably can't hear him.

He take umbridge and makes a point of them blanking her.

OP posts:
MarvelMrs · 02/05/2023 22:55

Don’t take him to Altons Towers. It is actually quite rude that he expects to invite himself along. You are taking your younger two away as a school holiday treat.
The family holiday is a bit different. Personally I would take him as 19 is still quite young and I wouldn’t want to make him feel excluded from the family unit.

Theimpossiblegirl · 02/05/2023 22:56

If he's saving for uni he's saving you money. I'd include him to be honest. He technically still a dependent if he's still in full time education, so his gap year shouldn't change this.

EpicChaos · 02/05/2023 22:56

He's an adult. Tell him it's time he was contributing to the household finances, not being a drain on them, certainly for holidays. Tell him how much extra £££'s it would cost to add him to the holiday party and ask when he intends divvying up towards the extra cost.

Mirabai · 02/05/2023 23:07

Opting in and out of family stuff is exactly what 19 year olds do.

Have you considered he may have an eating/exercise disorder?

NewNovember · 02/05/2023 23:08

When someone clocks he is your step son after your first post it's time to look in the mirror and realise that yes you are the unreasonable one.

Buebananas · 02/05/2023 23:14

Ok so he is my step son

You know, that might explain how you feel, and that I have struggled to understand your feelings towards him

ninemonthstime · 02/05/2023 23:15

Simply tell your son you are paying towards his holiday with his friends so can't afford to fund any others for him!

MysteryBelle · 02/05/2023 23:17

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

LucyEleanorModeratz · 02/05/2023 23:19

Major drip feed @Blankscreen.

On some level you knew your attitude towards your DSS was exclusionary and unkind and that’s why you tried to present him as your biological son in your OP by the misleading use of ‘DS’.

If your family finances are so such that you can afford a £9k car for him, an add-on for the holiday clearly wouldn’t be too much to ask.

Your DH, rightly, wants his son to come on the family holiday and respectfully you have no right to stand in the way of that, irrespective of a) what choices your DSS made last year and b) your palpable (and quite frankly bizarre) disdain for his dietary and exercise habits.

Swipe left for the next trending thread