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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

19 year old and Holidays

325 replies

Blankscreen · 02/05/2023 07:37

Not sure if I am being unreasonable.

DS is 19 currently in a gap year and working and saving for uni.

He is going on mates holiday which we are paying towards.

Dh is taking him to Barcelona for a long weekend for his birthday in a couple of months.

Last year Ds didn't want to come on our main family holiday so stayed at home.

DS comes and goes as he pleases and is generally not involved in family life. Not interested in anyone or anything. Fair enough he's 19.

But here's the rub.

I wanted to take the other 2 dc to Alton towers in half term for a couple of days. 19 year old has announced that he wants to come.

He also wants to come on a 'free' summer holiday with the family. Except its not free. We will be footing the bill.

AIBU to not want him coming.

I looked at Alton towers and the cost for adding 1 extra person is ludicrous it goes from £800 ish to £1400 ish.

Similarly the summer holiday cost goes up hugely because we end up having 2 rooms.

The other DC are 12 ans 9 and having 19 year old there completely changes the dynamic as he and 12 year old ds will probably play in the pool and 9 year old dd will be left out.

9 year old dd annoys 19 year old ds for example he says that she 'airs' him and so he doesn't bother talking to her.

. DH says how can we say no??.

OP posts:
Original poster
Blankscreen · 03/05/2023 15:43

I just want to add Dss hasn't been excluded. He has made and continues to make active choices to not be included.

Usually won't attend family functions doesn't want to come out for meals etc.

I didn't choose to have 2 'extra' children. I had 2 children with my husband. He's not a new husband or a second husband.

We are a family and we share finances so to the posters who say DH gets to decide, it doesn't quite work like that here.
yep DH earns 6x more than me but we are a partnership and he appreciates all that I do for EVERYONE including dss. He's not some arsehole who wants separate finances because he earns more. He wouldn't have his career if I didn't/hadn't picked up the slack at home.

DSS doesn't now want to come to Alton Towers as he has in effect got a better offer.

I don't think he actually wants to come on holiday to spend time with us he just sees it as a free week. I'm sure if he got a better offer he wouldn't come anyway.

You can go on the Alton Towers website and add the details for yourself if you don't believe how the costs are skewed by an extra adult.

Re the eating and gym obsession I have said to DH many times that I don't think its healthy.
What can I do? I'm sure on some threads I'd be told that as a step mum to an adult it's none of my business and DH needs to deal with it.
Many previous posters have scoffed at me being irritated by the obsession and I've been told it's all normal and their some took protein powders at that age etx. Etc. Others say I should get him help and support him.
You literally cannot win.

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 03/05/2023 15:46

Siblings argue and don't get along though.
Children behave badly to their parents (and step parents).

He's 19, she's 9. He should not be arguing with her or treating her as he is. It's unacceptable at his age.

TolkiensFallow · 03/05/2023 15:49

It’s not passive aggressive or unkind though is it? It’s genuinely what they thought and by communicating that to him they can potentially overcome the conflict through discussion.

TheseThree · 03/05/2023 16:02

I think you need to ask him which trip he would prefer you to pay for/towards - the one with his mates or the one with you all. I think it wrong to exclude him on the basis of his relationships with his siblings. Figure it out. However financially he’s already getting trips and you are paying, so I say put the ball in his court to decide which trips you’ll be paying his way on.

Kirstyjones90 · 03/05/2023 16:11

In regards to Alton towers, I would just say no on that one or option to pay for himself. I would explain the situation in regards to cost for the family one and say I’d pay for them to come on that one or pay towards his friends one but not both. At 19 with a job, he should be paying for himself. I didn’t go away with my parents since I was 14, and from 18 onwards paid towards any holidays I went on, I worked 25 hours a week and went to full time uni. They have to grow up sometimes. I wouldn’t mention you feel they would leave the other one out though as it sounds a bit mean like you don’t want him there when really it should be about money/responsibility rather than him not being welcome.

DeeLasVegas · 03/05/2023 16:23

Adding 1 person to Alton Towers for a couple of days is costing nearly £600?? While I would pay for my 19 year old to come on a family holiday I wouldn’t pay for a mates holiday.

Buebananas · 03/05/2023 17:02

He should not be arguing with her or treating her as he is. It's unacceptable at his age.

You should hear my 19 year old teasing his siblings - it's part of being a sibling to tease each other. I'm sure op's stepson is also very nice to his half sister. We're only being told the reasons for excluding him from taking him on holiday with her biological children

aSofaNearYou · 03/05/2023 17:11

Buebananas · 03/05/2023 17:02

He should not be arguing with her or treating her as he is. It's unacceptable at his age.

You should hear my 19 year old teasing his siblings - it's part of being a sibling to tease each other. I'm sure op's stepson is also very nice to his half sister. We're only being told the reasons for excluding him from taking him on holiday with her biological children

You're sure are you? That's not the impression given at all. You're making that up because it suits your argument.

aSofaNearYou · 03/05/2023 17:12

Nothing OP has described is "teasing".

YerArseInParsley · 03/05/2023 17:52

The trip away with his dad is for his birthday so disregard that as the other kids get for their birthday too.

If 19yr is already getting a holiday funded by u to go away with his friends then that is his holiday. If he wants to go on the family summer holiday then he needs to pay for himself as u have already funded the holiday with friends.

Ask him to pay half for Alton Towers.

It does sound like u resent him a wee bit but I could be wrong. If he's annoying the younger child then u need to put ur foot down and tell him to stop, he's an adult but remember he's still ur kid.

Buebananas · 03/05/2023 17:55

@aSofaNearYou I have no argument to win, and was merely offering my opinion, perhaps influenced by having a 19 year old son myself.

aSofaNearYou · 03/05/2023 17:59

Buebananas · 03/05/2023 17:55

@aSofaNearYou I have no argument to win, and was merely offering my opinion, perhaps influenced by having a 19 year old son myself.

And your opinion is that being hostile to a 9 year old with hearing problems and making a point of blanking them if they don't hear you is "teasing"?

Buebananas · 03/05/2023 18:01

Ok, fine, he's absolutely horrible and of course would ruin the other children's holiday!

aSofaNearYou · 03/05/2023 18:12

Buebananas · 03/05/2023 18:01

Ok, fine, he's absolutely horrible and of course would ruin the other children's holiday!

Good, it's nice to see some acknowledgment that actually it's not that surprising or appalling that OP doesn't appear to relish the thought of him coming - despite being willing to allow it - given the way he, a grown man, acts towards her nine year old child.

Yourcatisnotsorry · 03/05/2023 18:45

It’s so obvious he is not your child. Nobody normal talks about their own children this nastily.

Oscarsdaddy · 03/05/2023 19:21

Easy answer

Tell him that if he wants to come on the family holiday then you want to go on the lads holiday with him. He’ll soon change his tune.

he’s being a CF and needs nipping in the bud.

YANBU

csigeek · 03/05/2023 20:04

He’s over 18 and working, if he wants to come he pays.

Buebananas · 03/05/2023 20:41

csigeek · 03/05/2023 20:04

He’s over 18 and working, if he wants to come he pays.

He's working to save money for his University degree

csigeek · 03/05/2023 20:43

Buebananas · 03/05/2023 20:41

He's working to save money for his University degree

Show quote history

So then he can’t go 🤷🏻‍♀️

Kennykenkencat · 03/05/2023 20:52

DeeLasVegas · 03/05/2023 16:23

Adding 1 person to Alton Towers for a couple of days is costing nearly £600?? While I would pay for my 19 year old to come on a family holiday I wouldn’t pay for a mates holiday.

I think it is because the rooms are for 2 adults and 2 children only so it is an extra room.
Although you only get bed and breakfast for that price, no evening meal.

Its one of those places where a holiday let and even taking eldest and paying for all his meals and tickets would be cheaper and nicer than staying in the hotel.

joycies · 03/05/2023 20:59

I think the boundary isn't about him spoiling the holiday it's about his taking a gap year instead of a part time job and expecting you to foot the bill. He stopped being your responsibility at 18 but he's conveniently forgotten that. How to say 'NO' well it's just 'Sorry but we can't afford it'.

joycies · 03/05/2023 21:01

Why is it considered a 'strong' reaction when a kid says a bigger one is hurting her feelings?

joycies · 03/05/2023 21:03

Strp son or son, makes no difference to the rules, You can't have what I can't afford.

Red0 · 03/05/2023 21:04

Could you say that you will pay for one holiday for him? Either the family holiday or the holiday with his friends? I think that would be the most fair.

Kennykenkencat · 03/05/2023 21:06

I think that dss is a bit of an a.hole to his sister probably because he knows op doesn’t actually like him and knows it winds her up.

Probably realised how unwanted he was when he asked to go on the Alton Towers trip and family holiday. Don’t think I would go anywhere when it is made clear I was not wanted.

Sometimes on here I wonder about people who say as soon as someone turns 18 then they have to start paying.

I think some people say these things but don’t actually mean them and I honestly think some people expect their children to walk out of school before taking A levels and go and get a job to pay for a roof over their heads

The dss is saving for Uni. Probably because he knows he won’t get anything

Problem is with high earning parents he won’t get any outside help and judging by op’s attitude either he won’t get any help from the family or he will get help and every £ given will be begrudged and it will be added up and made sure he knows how much he has cost.