To feel like this about having another child?

[WhatAreTheseOddFeelings]

I know that I want another child. I’m an only child and I’ve always wanted more than one. I have a nearly 2 year old and I absolutely love being a mum.

The current plan is to try for another baby when he’s in school so he would probably be 5 or 6. The idea with this is that I will get to spend all of his first 5 years with him, giving him all of me and being able to do all of the activities and toddler/pre-school classes without having to factor in another child. Then when he’s at school and we have another one I can do the same with them during school hours.

The odd thoughts/feelings I am having right now are:
Panicking about getting pregnant now - Around the time my period is due (and more so if it is late) I start panicking that I am pregnant. I don’t believe in abortion so that would never be an option for me so I know that if I were to end up being pregnant sooner than planned I would be having that baby. Now I don’t doubt that I would love and enjoy my second child no matter when they come along but the thought of being pregnant again sooner than planned makes me feel sad. I don’t want either child to miss out on opportunities to do all the fun baby and little kid things with me. I want my child to be our only focus until he starts school so that I can fully enjoy being his mummy and doing all of the fun things we do now. I don’t want him to have to share our attention right now.

But then the other thought I’m having is what if this thought/feeling doesn’t change when he starts school? I know I will miss him whilst he is there and I don’t want the new baby to be seen as a replacement. But then how long is too long to wait? What if I don’t think he is ready to share the attention until year 1 or year 2? He would then be 7, 8 or 9 by the time the next baby comes.

I feel less worried about the next baby in the sense that all they will know is having a big brother so they won’t have that feeling of being replaced/ignored/left out ect. in the same way as a child who has been an only child previously.

The thing is that I know I want another child. I’m pretty positive that that won’t change. So what are these feelings about and what do I do??

I don’t understand the question?

I think there are a lot of hypotheticals there. In reality, the deciding factor for me would be your age. We took over three years to conceive DS and I know many people who have suffered from secondary infertility.

I think some anxiety about having another child is completely normal. I was desperately broody when we were trying to DC2 but still felt a bit of panic at the positive pregnancy test. It's knowing what's to come, and being scared of all the changes it will be bring. And it does change things, for sure, but it will be fine.

I'd say stop overthinking it OP.

All I can say is from my experience, I thought I could never love another child as much as I did my first. But your heart just doubles and you are full of love. If a second one arrives sooner, you won't be on your own with your first but you will get to see the bond develop between them and your first grow as a big sibling. It's the best thing in the world (in my eyes).

Stop having a perfect image of what you need your life to be like just roll with it. You can’t be in control of everything.

I think if you want another child for you then the age gap doesn't matter, he might never be ready but would adapt once a baby was here, you just need to make sure he still had some of your 1-1 time.
I never got on with my brother, we're 18 months apart, and i know loads of friends who were the same, so the idea they'd be playmates if closer together doesn't always work out anyway. I have seen a lot of 7 year age gaps work well in the older child loves helping with the baby. I have a 6yr old in year 2 and i am only now thinking of a second, i have loved having her all to ourselves all this time and i also like the idea that the baby would get dedicated time during school hours, less pressure.

I don’t really understand the question.
TBH, if you’re wanting to “give him” a sibling, that’s quite a big age gap. They’ll have nothing in common. I’d be more worried about him resenting a new baby at that age.
there’s a 2.5 year gap between my two and it was lovely-they went to groups and classes together, played together and really enjoyed each others company.

You're overthinking everything! Lots of this stuff is out of your control and you could face issues such as secondary infertilty, you need to stop trying to plan it all so much.

Conversely when I was sent off to school having previously been with mum all day, I was not very happy about it and I really resented the baby that she got to take Mt place.

Massively overthinking! I get you want it all to be perfect but there is no perfect age gap. There are just age gaps and they all have pros and cons!

Personally I've had my 2 and 3 years apart, partly by design, partly accidental, and it's been great in different ways. For me the closeness in age is much better than a 5-6 year age gap but others might prefer that.

Honestly I think just enjoy your child and enjoy (hopefully) having a second child. Your family and your love will grow together.

they won’t have that feeling of being replaced/ignored/left out ect.

Your first DC won't have that feeling either. They'll be fine with having a sibling, even if they come along sooner. You're massively over-thinking. Sure there can be a bit of adjustment for DC2, but it's not some calamity that will scar your PFB, who needs all of your attention. It'll do DC1 good to be able to cope with change and realise he's not the centre of the universe and it'll do you good to realise you can enjoy more than just mummying your firstborn. I get the intensity of this big love bubble, but sounds like you're going a bit too far tbh.

What jumps out at me is the fact that you seem to want to make your child the sole focus of your life until they go to school, and then have another one.

(As a side note, are you planning to work at all during this time?)

That means your child gets five or six years of your undivided attention, gets very used to being an only child, and then inevitably feels sidelined once they're at school and a new sibling comes along.

A new sibling who will be significantly younger, meaning that they'll never be at the same developmental stage, they'll never want to do the same things, you won't be able to do much family stuff together because the old one will want to be doing karate or Minecraft or football or dance classes when the younger one is still at the soft play and Peppa Pig World stage.

This would be the case until the older one is in their mid 20s, by which point they can finally go for a pint together.

It doesn't sound like a great idea to me.

I have a two year old and a three month old, and whilst I do feel spread quite thin, seeing the bond they already have is amazing. My son will have no memories of being an only child.

I think you're over thinking this OP and you're also putting too much emphasis on what your child wants rather than what they need. For example they might want all of your attention but I dont think it does children any harm to have a sibling and realise that sometimes you need to compromise about what activities you do, and sometimes you have to learn to play by yourself a bit and sometimes you do have to learn to share. The older he gets the more he may love the idea of looking after a new baby and be desperate for a sibling or the more he may want you all to himself and hate the idea - however neither of those things reflect how things might turn out when the baby is actually there and I think its dangerous to factor the preferences of a 5 year old who arent equipped to really know what they want or what's best for them, into the decision making process. I know people with various age gaps and at all ends of the scale some have worked and some haven't and in the majority of cases it's due to the personalities of the children, not the age gap, and that's something that you have absolutely no control over whatsoever. My two have a 2.5 year age gap and get on amazingly and a lot of the time they prefer playing with each other than having my one on one attention. But that's pure luck than planning and I still felt really guilty when my eldest was a toddler and spent time in nursery and we had to always be dashing home for the baby for one reason or another and she missed out on activities...she can't remember any of it as she was 2.5!

You’re over thinking this.

You either want more than 1 child or you don’t.

Personally we knew we wanted several children and to be blunt the aim is not for DS to be the centre of my world. I have my own job, interests, friends and hobbies.

As from the start we always wanted a few children so we didn’t want DS to really be to remember being an only child, with the resentment that could bring. Our next baby is due when DS will be around 2.5 which for us feels just right.

Plenty of people do prefer larger age gaps but you do need to bring your age into account.

There are also interesting statistics into pregnancy and birth risk levels. For gaps over 5 years the risks go back to similar levels as they are for a first time mum and you don’t benefit from the lower risk levels/supposedly easier births associated with subsequent children.

It’s impossible to say what the best age gap would be for your particular situation. There are studies which say shorter age gaps are good but then there are positives and negatives to all gaps.

I do like your idea of concentrating on one in the early years but there are still drawbacks like the siblings will be at different stages.

Personally I’d think there could be more potential issues with a child aged 7 or 8 having a sibling for the first time at that age than a younger child. There’s the potential to feel left out at any age as naturally a baby requires so much attention. Younger children will forget ever being an only child though.

I think this is anxiety talking. It's fine to have a plan of when (financially and in terms of your preferences) you'd like to have another little one, but age, fertility, unexpected life changes, issues around additional needs, twins (!), temperament can all throw a spanner in the works.

It may not ever be easier for you to feel your child has to "share your attention" but if you want a second that is a reality I'm afraid. Most people find it's worth it though. And a child of 3+ is generally able to sit with a book/toy/TV show while mummy feeds or changes baby.

Also, you may find that you change. I was very much like you with DD - hands on in a very particular way, lots of carefully planned outings and all sorts. By the time her siblings turned up the dial had very much shifted to "Fuck it". I cuddle them, play with them, read to them, put food in front of them, but no baby sensory, pureed sweet potato, sing n sign or Rugby Tots.

(and the haven't suffered for it!)

I had my second when my eldest was four and wish it was a bit earlier. She was quite jealous and resentful for a while. I do think you're overthinking things a bit to be honest.

Personally, I wouldn't have wanted a brother who was 5 of more years younger than me. It's too big an age gap, you can't really engage on the same level with someone that much younger than you, play with each other etc.

My brother is 3 years younger than me, and that seems pretty much perfect to me. It was enough of a gap that I could do the protective older brother, and that I could use him as an excuse to play with "Little kids toys", but we were close enough in age that we like playing some of the same games together and he didn't completely do my nut in.

I see some of my friends who are the eldest of 3 or 4, and they're almost always closest to the sibling that they're closest in age to.

You are overthinking everything really. There are lots of hypothetical scenarios that you’ve played out in your head, don’t let this eat into the time you have with your child now.
Anyway, I have 6 years between DD1 and DD2, this was mainly due to childcare cost and life’s been good. They are 4 and 10 now and no one has felt replaced in my opinion. I have other things I spend my life on, like work, my husband (her dad), travelling etc so she never was the ‘centre’ of my world in that sense so it’s all fine and also, she has never been denied anything because of a younger sibling, myself and her dad are a team so we can always do things with both of them together and separately depending.

In my opinion a sibling to enjoy playing with is more of a bonus that having 'all of' a parent for five years.

Also your second will have your first at home for, what, 12 weeks a year, plus in service days, half term holidays, and sick days, so they won't get 'all' of you, no matter how good your intentions are.

It's really not required for a child to have undivided parental attention for five whole long years.

Life is not plannable to the last detail. We have to accept that and go with the flow. Whenever you have a second child there will be pros and cons and inconveniences.

You have this ideal scenario in your mind - but nothing in life is ideal.

You are thinking too much!

You're massively overthinking this. I have a 4 year gap between my two and they both have had a pretty decent deal in getting 'the best' of me. You can use contraception to control when not to have a baby so I'm not sure what your panic is here. If you want a big gap, have a big gap. Smaller gaps work well too.

Surely he will get more used to being an only child the longer you wait? If he has a sibling younger he will adapt to it more easily and also have someone to play with and grow up together?