To feel like this about having another child?

[WhatAreTheseOddFeelings]

I know that I want another child. I’m an only child and I’ve always wanted more than one. I have a nearly 2 year old and I absolutely love being a mum.

The current plan is to try for another baby when he’s in school so he would probably be 5 or 6. The idea with this is that I will get to spend all of his first 5 years with him, giving him all of me and being able to do all of the activities and toddler/pre-school classes without having to factor in another child. Then when he’s at school and we have another one I can do the same with them during school hours.

The odd thoughts/feelings I am having right now are:
Panicking about getting pregnant now - Around the time my period is due (and more so if it is late) I start panicking that I am pregnant. I don’t believe in abortion so that would never be an option for me so I know that if I were to end up being pregnant sooner than planned I would be having that baby. Now I don’t doubt that I would love and enjoy my second child no matter when they come along but the thought of being pregnant again sooner than planned makes me feel sad. I don’t want either child to miss out on opportunities to do all the fun baby and little kid things with me. I want my child to be our only focus until he starts school so that I can fully enjoy being his mummy and doing all of the fun things we do now. I don’t want him to have to share our attention right now.

But then the other thought I’m having is what if this thought/feeling doesn’t change when he starts school? I know I will miss him whilst he is there and I don’t want the new baby to be seen as a replacement. But then how long is too long to wait? What if I don’t think he is ready to share the attention until year 1 or year 2? He would then be 7, 8 or 9 by the time the next baby comes.

I feel less worried about the next baby in the sense that all they will know is having a big brother so they won’t have that feeling of being replaced/ignored/left out ect. in the same way as a child who has been an only child previously.

The thing is that I know I want another child. I’m pretty positive that that won’t change. So what are these feelings about and what do I do??

d. I don’t want either child to miss out on opportunities to do all the fun baby and little kid things with me. I want my child to be our only focus until he starts school so that I can fully enjoy being his mummy and doing all of the fun things we do now. I don’t want him to have to share our attention right now

If this is what you really want, just don't get pregnant for a few years. But I think its weird. You can do all thefun baby and kid things, while having another kid.

Don't forget that whatever choice you make they are "missing out" on whatever the other options are. So if one way they are "missing out" on being your sole focus for years on end, then another they are "missing out" on sharing all the fun with a sibling and having a close bond with a closer age sibling.

There's no wrong on right way, but dont get obsessed with the notion that one way is perfect. Sounds like an awful slog to spend five years obsessed with one child and then another 5 years obsessed with the next. Plus you're forgetting the second will never have the same experience as the first anyway, as they won't ever be your only focus.

Do you have siblings, OP, and if so where in the birth order are you? You have such strong negative feelings about a child having to 'share' their parent (which is an inevitable part of having more than one child) that I wondered if this triggers something in you because you yourself found it painful? Or is it a total unknown to you? DH is an only child and he really worried before we had DS2 because he couldn't imagine the dynamics of two children, but once it was reality he realized that it would all be fine, of course.

What if the second child had a disability? What if you had a difficult birth with them? Or PND? These are all things that could also happen but don't feature in your quite rigid plan. Kids don't generally fit within plans, I've found.

I was an only child also, knew I would always want more than one and for DD1 to have a sibling.
I love her SO much, but she has always been an intense and high needs baby/child, and only slept through the night at 2.
Also, I worked with 2yos in a nursery before, and knew how tough it would be to have a baby and a toddler, plus like you wanted to give DD1 lots of 1-1 time and attention first.
So we said we would wait til she was 3 before we started trying, and i definitely wouldn't have felt ready to 'take the plunge' again before that anyway.
Covid and a miscarriage held us up abit further, so DD1 was 4.5 when DD2 arrived Oct 2021.
Timing wasn't brilliant in that she had two major life events close together as had just started school, but age gap wise it worked really well, and the fact that I was home to do all her first year school runs so she didn't have long days with out of school club, and also I could be at home with baby 9-3 every day on weekdays so she got my full attention then.
Also, personally I wanted to span out the baby days as I didn't want them over and done with too quickly! (As i knew we would probably only have 2)

I wouldn't worry about panicking you won't ever want to be pregnant again....your DD1 is still very young, you'll know when you feel ready to go back down the path again.

In terms of not getting pregnant when you don't want to, can you not just double up contraception for extra reassurance?

I have a 5 year gap and it’s lovely, they play together at 8 and 3 and look out for one another with no jealousy when the youngest was born. I had hoped for a smaller gap but we’re not very fertile and each time it took 4 years to get pregnant. All my hopes of waving #1 off to school then going to baby groups and cafes fell by the wayside when #2 was born in March 2020!

Your thought processes are quite unusual. In a funny kind of way it sounds like you’re hoping to have two only children that you can pour all of yourself into during the baby and toddler years, and hoping that child #2 never infringes upon the happiness of child #1.

It’s not normal to think about delaying your planned age gap from 5yrs to 7yrs or more just because child #1 “isn’t ready” for a sibling.

If you want another child some day, have another child. There is no perfect age gap, there are pros and cons to short gaps and big ones. Your child won’t be damaged for life by the arrival of a sibling. Some siblings adore each other and some fight all their lives. It is what it is!

You’re really overthinking- you cannot plan something uncontrollable like getting pregnant. There’s no guarantee what sibling relationship could be like, regardless of age gap. A downside of waiting longer is he’ll get more used to your full attention and it will be a harder wrench if you do have another.

Things don't always work out the way you plan and it does depend largely on the personalities of your children.

I have an almost 5 year age gap between my two (not planned) and so far it is working out well. I'm doing it largely by myself so the 5yo does miss out on attention sometimes while I have to focus on the baby and it's often difficult to meet their different needs. But so far on balance the baby has enriched my 5yo's life, rather than taking anything away from them. 5yo absolutely loves having a baby sibling and the kudos it brings them in the playground... reception seems to be peak age for kids being fascinated by babies so DC1 got a lot of attention and reflected glory when DC2 arrived which they really enjoyed 😂! And this helped cement the baby as "a good thing".

5yo enjoys reading to the baby, "helping" with the baby, choosing toys for the baby and bossing baby about. You do have to watch them together, but not so closely as with a smaller age gap as older child is more careful and gentle with the baby. And in the morning rush, I can ask 5yo to play peekaboo with the baby if they're fractious so we can get everyone out the door without too much screaming. The baby absolutely adores the older one and their eyes light up when we do the school pick-up and older one appears to poke, prod and squeeze them 😅.

I've tried to get out and about as much as we did before so 5yo is not missing out. Baby just gets taken along wherever we go. Of course I'm slightly limited then in what I can do with the older one (I can't play with them in the soft play if it's quiet, for example), but they don't seem to mind too much. Maybe there will be more challenges as they get older but it's pretty good right now.

You are massively overthinking here. You can't control what happens. For each of your statements and assumptions, there's so many possible outcomes.

eg Dc1 will feel more loved and secure if they are an only child until they go to school.

Other outcomes :

1. dc1 will struggle with school and being a sibling because they have been an only for so long
2. dc1 will struggle with school and being a sibling because they are jealous that baby is home with you Or

Your assumption- 5 year age gap means less jealousy
Other outcomes :

1. You feel guilty that dc1 and dc2 always have to do things that are too young/old for them so weekends end up being a lot of you doing something with one child and your h with the other.
2. Dc2 ends up maturing faster because they are exposed to dc1's interests earlier. My oldest and youngest have 5.5 years between them and when dc3 started nursery, he was one exposing other oldest children to older stuff like WWE and Marvel which were dc1's interests.
3. They have nothing in common because they are at different stages.

There is no textbook good age gap. I am a mum of 3 and dc2 is the one who suffered most with sibling rivalry. There's nothing that I could do to reduce this - she's competitive and very driven to outdo dc1 and dc3.

Some of the above possible outcomes that I mention resolve itself in the long term. My dc1 and dc3 are young adult/teen now and they have gone through periods of getting on as well as period of coexisting because of the age gap. The point I'm trying to make is that if you overthink now, you are going to find it hard when things don't go as you planned. People are complex and the only thing that you can be sure of is that you will love dc2 as much as dc1 even though you can't imagine feeling like that.

There are positives and negatives to any age gap. But I do agree with PPs that it’s generally not good for any child to be their parent’s whole world. Having to share (including attention) has been the biggest benefit for my dd having a sibling. And my DS (the younger one) is so much more confident and happy because he has had to “fit in” with family life a bit more and hasn’t had me helicoptering as much.

also the tipping point for me was how much I wanted another child vs how upset I’d be if we couldn’t then conceive. Eg would it be worse to have a child slightly earlier than we wanted or to not be able to have one at all? Just my way of thinking of it as you never know if it’ll be easy or hard to conceive and I knew I’d be devastated if we left it too late and couldn’t have a second. Does depend on your age as wel obviously.

Why are you overthinking a situation that doesn’t exist? Enjoy the one you have and stop being melodramatic.

You're overthinking it, op. Truth is, when you add another baby to the family, the dynamic changes regardless of when you do it. You adjust. Just like you did when you went from you and oh to you, oh and baby.

I, too, was an only child. That's also why I wanted two. My sons are 2.9 years and 3 months. Personally this age gap works for me as I couldn't have gone back to baby days once out of them😅
If you want a 5 year age gap, you'll make it work

Sorry this was in the actual first line of the OP 😳

The second half of my comment still stands - I think (through watching DH) that it can be so hard to imagine a sibling dynamic if you didn't have one yourself, but it is much more natural than you expect once it happens.

I would have the baby as soon as possible it’s not fun having a baby when u have the school run and homework to deal with ! It will be completely different for 2nd baby to what it was with the first of u have a baby now it will be easier x

I don’t think there is a ‘good’ time in terms of the impact on the other child. Children always need you in different ways and at different stages. I had my second when my first was 7 and there’s quite a bit of jealousy as the first was used to having undivided attention. I am an eldest child and have never felt jealousy towards siblings but I was 3 when my first sibling was born.

I think it's sensible to think about these things even if you can't control certain aspects. But most people do plan age gaps (usually smaller ones so dc will play together, or to be able to get back and focus on their career more quickly).

I have a 4 year age gap and it's worked out well for us. I loved focusing on DD1 throughout her baby and preschool years, swimming, doing classes (most wouldn't have allowed a younger sibling to join as it was more taught with specific skills levels), helping her in the playground and at soft play and with drawing and craft activities at home. Now DD1 is at school and I'm doing the same with DD2.

I couldn't have done all the activities we do if I'd gone for a 2 year gap (although a 3 year gap might have worked as DD1 was in preschool part-time then). When I take them out on my own, I'm limited sometimes as DD1 might want me to climb with her in soft play or a playground, which I can't do with a baby. Or there are some activities which won't allow a baby to be brought along. So yes, I think if you enjoy the one-on-one time with your baby then a bigger gap works well. A lot of parents with smaller gaps like the fact that the kids can play together quicker, "so I don't have to entertain my child all the time" - but I don't see entertaining DCs as a chore, so it's fine for us.

I think you've gone completely overboard with planning. There is NO perfect age cap. Also, you sound a bit too obsessed (sorry) about focusing on your first born. If you want two children, just let it happen naturally? What if you found it hard to conceive?

Your firstborn will not hate you for not giving them full-on attention for 6 years. Siblings are fun! My dc have 2.5 years in between them. Yes they fight but they also love each other so much and rely on and look out for each other in school. Its wonderful to have a sibling. You get to share the excitement about christmasses, easter egg hunt, holidays etc..

I think you might be overthinking it, have another baby if you want one, when it fits in with your life and finances. I had my second at the end of my DS’s reception year and their bond is lovely. Equally I see friends whose children are closer in age and some get on, some don’t.

My mum asked what I wanted more than anything, and I said "a sister". I was five. What I actually wanted was someone I could play with and do things with which was most certainly not my 5 year younger sister! Plus I then went to school and I knew my parents - who had spent all their time with me - were now giving that to the new baby. It didn't go well. I'm told i changed almost overnight.
Yes, we DID play together when she got older, but I got thoroughly pissed off with her. She would fight me and hurt me, yet it was nearly always my fault because she was younger. she would sneak on me, take and use my stuff, and when I went to Uni (an escape after sharing a room with her) she wore all my clothes! Plus she got away with all the stuff that I hadn't when I'd done it. (parental learning curve and all that). I know that she resented that I could do more things, go out etc because I was older.
Don't get me wrong, we WERE close too, but only with regard to certain things, the large age gap meant that we weren't actually close and the good friends we are now until she'd left uni by which point we weren't anywhere vaguely near each other geographically.
My kids have a 2 year gap. Obvs they fight, bicker etc but we're able to actually do things together (cycling, hiking, camping, canooing) that we only had a short period of not being able to do when they were too little. And they're at a similar mental age. I see the same with my sister's kids as they're a similar age to mine.
Perhaps we both had kids closer together because neither of us enjoyed the age gap!

OP you are overthinking this but I think you know that. Your son will benefit in many ways from having a sibling. What they lose in parental attention they gain in a sibling. If you leave it too long they won't have much in common and won't grow up together. If I were you I'd aim for a 3.5-4 year gap. They are still close enough to play together but it gives you a bit longer with your son.

I think you're projecting a bit. You're thinking in terms of an only child and then having two only children and how to minimize the impact on each other. Instead frame it as you're completing your family. Or your child is already a big brother just waiting on the sibling. They don't need to have the same experience. I don't feel sad for my middle guy that he didn't have as much one to one time because he's the only one with a big brother and a little brother- best of both worlds. Having a sibling can be a blessing not just a resource stealer.

Why is there so much precious PFB stuff on Mumsnet recently? Your child will be fine with a sibling. Just like all the billions of other children who have siblings.

A downside to a large gap is how long you’ll be doing the baby thing for. I found it nice to wave goodbye to prams and weaning and baby toys and naps within the space of a few years.

Something else to consider with a large gap is that you might find you then have to juggle the needs of two very different children at very different stages. Mine have three years between them and by and large enjoy the same things; it frees me up a lot because they always have a friend / ally whereas with a bigger gap, I’d have to provide entertainment!

It’s also okay to just have the one, OP. You say you want two but it seems like the worries outweigh the positives for you? You shouldn’t have one just to give him a sibling.

My Son was 4.5 when my daughter was born last year.... initial issue we had was that she was a girl but they absolutely adore each other....they play together, wrestle together