To feel like this about having another child?

[WhatAreTheseOddFeelings]

I know that I want another child. I’m an only child and I’ve always wanted more than one. I have a nearly 2 year old and I absolutely love being a mum.

The current plan is to try for another baby when he’s in school so he would probably be 5 or 6. The idea with this is that I will get to spend all of his first 5 years with him, giving him all of me and being able to do all of the activities and toddler/pre-school classes without having to factor in another child. Then when he’s at school and we have another one I can do the same with them during school hours.

The odd thoughts/feelings I am having right now are:
Panicking about getting pregnant now - Around the time my period is due (and more so if it is late) I start panicking that I am pregnant. I don’t believe in abortion so that would never be an option for me so I know that if I were to end up being pregnant sooner than planned I would be having that baby. Now I don’t doubt that I would love and enjoy my second child no matter when they come along but the thought of being pregnant again sooner than planned makes me feel sad. I don’t want either child to miss out on opportunities to do all the fun baby and little kid things with me. I want my child to be our only focus until he starts school so that I can fully enjoy being his mummy and doing all of the fun things we do now. I don’t want him to have to share our attention right now.

But then the other thought I’m having is what if this thought/feeling doesn’t change when he starts school? I know I will miss him whilst he is there and I don’t want the new baby to be seen as a replacement. But then how long is too long to wait? What if I don’t think he is ready to share the attention until year 1 or year 2? He would then be 7, 8 or 9 by the time the next baby comes.

I feel less worried about the next baby in the sense that all they will know is having a big brother so they won’t have that feeling of being replaced/ignored/left out ect. in the same way as a child who has been an only child previously.

The thing is that I know I want another child. I’m pretty positive that that won’t change. So what are these feelings about and what do I do??

I never had kids as never met anyone i wanted them with but i never understood why so many only children hate the idea of their child being one.if id have had kids one would have been enough,i was an an only and i loved it.never missed siblings my parents were great i didnt want to share them.nothing at all wrong with being an only or just having one. Maybe deep down you dont really want another.

Only you can decide. I have 4DC.

DS1-DS2 5 years (I did what you did)
DS2-DS3 2 years (not planned that way but hey)
DS3-DS4 8 years (my surprise)

Although all 4 are close, DS2 and 3 are closest.

If you want another child just go for it. It's not about constant 1 on 1, it's about being a family. Xx
I have 7 and the closest in age are the closest in friendship xxx

I have five dc, the first 2 have a 5 year age gap and the eldest has always resented the younger one. They are adults now and still don’t get on. My next two are twins born 8 years after my 2nd. My 2nd felt very resentful of them and made life very difficult when they were small. Neither of my older ones really treat the younger ones as siblings. My youngest was born when the twins were 6 and they are extremely close and always have been.

My point is, you just don’t know whether your older one will be appreciative or resentful of their future sibling but you can only manage that when it happens. You will have enough love for both.

Hmm, obviously there are pros and cons to all age gaps. I had 3 close together and their baby/toddler years were lovely - I have such great memories of taking them out together or them just playing together in the garden. I know siblings don’t always get on but mine loved having each other to play with. It’s also easier I found! You can get on with things while they play. Once school starts you are stuck in that timetable so it’s not so free any more. And when you have one little one, it’s harder to do spontaneous things with the older one that their school friends might do - they might miss out on after school meet ups at the park or cinema etc because the baby needs a nap etc. I do have friends who have done what you are proposing and it’s worked out well in terms of attention and being easier to manage but it’s harder to find things to do as a family when they are older with a big age gap.

I think everyone has worries about having another, it’s such a special time with your first but when a second comes along it’s also amazing seeing their relationship.

I think you're massively overthinking it and causing yourself anxiety.
Love doesn't divide, it multiplies for all concerned.

I had two very close together (planned in grand sense but not actual timing of being as close as was) and they are so close and share many interests, they're proper little mates.

Also I had a dip in my health which was unforseen that meant if I had waited it would have meant I lost my opportunity for my second. So with hindsight am very glad I lived in the moment with my decisions.

(In saying all this however I didn't have to worry about money for childcare etc if that is a concern.)

Wow this is very confusing and strange, but you’re over thinking things and if you leave such a big gap you’re basically having an only child. Three years is a great gap. Then they’re friends.

Just to reverse this, I purposely had my two children close together (2yr gap) because of the sibling bond THEY would have.

I was also an only child and always wanted siblings growing up. I then had a brother when I was 16. We have absolutely nothing in common. We are not siblings, I am like his second mum.

Having a big age gap will mean they have nothing in common and will not play together in an equal, age appropriate, way and will not have that sibling bond. It will be like having two separate children living in the same household.

Yes my children fight / argue. Yes, there was likely some jealousy from the eldest at first but they could not love each other more. They look for eachother, want to be together, play together, tell eachother all the exciting things that have happened to them etc etc etc. They are each others first point of call and could not be without one another. Even with a 5 year gap, it won't quite be the same, imo.

You have 19 years in total between your kids? Crikey.

My Dad has twenty years between him and his older brother and they have a great bond, I don’t think age gap is a massive issue like some of these posters make out. What you’ll lose in friendship at a young age you’ll gain in 1:1 with your parent. It’s horses for courses, there is no right way of doing it.

I had nearly years between, so ended up the elder one was just finishing nursery/ starting reception. It took a year to get pregnant so later than planned but I love the age gap and they are very close. Anything more I think would make it harder to find family things to all share

All PPs going on about how 1-2 year age gap is the only way to go and for kids to have a bond….first of all not everyone can get pregnant right away so quite often the large age gap isn’t really by choice (granted, for that reason I wouldn’t recommend the OP to wait for 5-6 years because that can easily turn to 7+). And secondly having 2 under 2s is bloody hard for the parents and not everyone is up for that and that’s fine. There is no one way to do this everyone has different preferences and circumstances.
Yes kids closer in age are (usually) closer and play more when they’re young but not necessarily, they might be different personalities and like different games and activities and there could be a lot of jealousy and they can fight a lot. Alternatively a 4 or 5 year old can really enjoy helping with a baby, feel less jealousy (usually) and be less demanding of their parents time as they usually have their friends, school and activities as well.
My sisters are 1 year apart (which my mum said was absolutely brutal when they were little) and I am 9 and 10 years younger than them. Admittedly I wasn’t close to them as a child we were at different stages, but they weren’t super close either and both had different sets of friends. These days I’m probably closer to them than they are to each other because they’re very different personality wise and I’m somewhere in the middle.

For starters, I think you need to relax a bit! It's ok to have a plan but the best laid plans of mice & men & all that.

I have the exact age gap that you plan to have dc2. my DS was 5 almost 6 when we had number 2 and I think there’s pros and cons to any age gaps really, I still had mum guilt even though DS had 5 full years with just us. my DC2 was a difficult needy baby so I had mum guilt terribly. And they also don’t have anything in common now one is 8 and one is 2. It can be easier in ways as one can manage to dress himself and brush own teeth for example whereas a 2 and 3 year old would need almost everything doing for them. I take them to the park and my son wants to play football and my toddler wants to run off. So I spend all the time chasing her around while my poor son waits for me. So it’s hard to find that perfect balance of equal attention and it’s hard. But you find ways to make it work. I’m sure any age gap we would find good and bad things about. If you had 2 DCs under 2 they would be very close in age so would play together more for example, but that would be very hard for you too, there’s good and bad in any age gap. but no matter when you have your next child you will find what works for you.

I know! I still get worried about a bigger age gap but the reality is it will work really well in practise, they are less likely to fight and in real life all the best sibling relationships I know of have larger age gaps.

I have two children with a five year gap. Not intentional. I have since found out that my eldest did feel slightly put out by new baby arrival. They are not enemies but I think they may have been closer if they were nearer each other in age. They each lead very different lives. I think your first born may well love to have a sibling when he is also young, and you can adapt to give him and newbie both lots of good times and memories together. As someone said earlier, fertility is not a given. If you find that you are pregnant just embrace it and share it with your eldest so he feels involved. There is never a perfect time really to plan a pregnancy, although I do know that some people try to time it so that their child is not the youngest in the school year. There is a huge difference with a three year old just turned four to a five year old soon to turn six.