Page 6 | To feel like this about having another child?

adarkbarking · 30/04/2023 19:54

@WhatAreTheseOddFeelings More than one toddler is even better than one. It's wondrously, fabulously chaotic and it's an absolute blast. That was my experience, anyway though multiple teenagers are a different matter

Tophy124 · 30/04/2023 19:55

I have a nearly 3yr old and have secondary infertility. I had diabolical health issues the first 2 years that meant trying for another wasn’t possible. In hindsight I am so glad I didn’t add to my plate and that I had that time to really focus on my existing child and so I do understand your feeling of wanting to fully be there and be able to give 100%. I’d love another, but it doesn’t seem in the cards, but as previous posters have said the focus is more on me vs my existing child. So I won’t try for any more past 35 and that will be my cut off point, irrelevant of how old my existing child is or age gaps etc. You must plan how many children you want based on YOU! When you want another, how long you will be out of work, your age, any health issues etc. Many children are happy as only children and many people have siblings they can’t stand, so don’t have another sibling unless you actually want another child to parent.

Mamoun · 30/04/2023 19:56

Haven't read all the answers but this is my experience:

You children need you more and more as they grow. I have a 7 and a 5 yo and then a baby who's just 1.

I never felt that I didn't have time for my eldest when my second was born. They were fast in similar rhythm and now are super good friends + they both understand if I need alone time with one or the other and can entertain themselves alone during that time.

The baby on the other hand is tricky, he prevents any time of playing (cards, board games), he's in the way of homework and conversations....

In my opinion you're miscalculating this: when your eldest is at school he needs more of you when he's around.

Cloudburstings · 30/04/2023 19:58

We have a nearly five year age gap and it is great.

mumsnet loves small ages but I think they often lead to sibling rivalry, failing to treat them as individuals, frazzled parents.

but - it is five years not the 3+ I’d hoped for due to difficulty conceiving no 2 (though we started earlier that I wanted and did int get pregnant). Age matters. Can you afford ivf? That what it took for us to have no 2 and there is no nhs finding for a second child. Budget £10k per round (not joking).

also most kids do a least some nursery before school starts. And in most cases I’d say it disadvantages them not to. Ours was settled into a school hours term time nursery aged three and a second pregnancy and baby anytime from them would have been great.

Notjustabrunette · 30/04/2023 19:59

I have a two year gap between mine, and I really like it. I just took them both to play groups etc. My older one went to pre school 3 mornings a week (which she really benefited from) and I baby sensory type activities on those mornings. They are now 6 and 8 and play together nicely. I can’t see how either missed out on my time as we all did things together. I would see it as being a bit tricky going on a bike ride with a 10 year old and a 4/5 year old. Obviously there’s swings and roundabouts with all age gaps.

Original poster

WhatAreTheseOddFeelings · 30/04/2023 20:01

Glicken · 28/04/2023 13:54

I think it's sensible to think about these things even if you can't control certain aspects. But most people do plan age gaps (usually smaller ones so dc will play together, or to be able to get back and focus on their career more quickly).

I have a 4 year age gap and it's worked out well for us. I loved focusing on DD1 throughout her baby and preschool years, swimming, doing classes (most wouldn't have allowed a younger sibling to join as it was more taught with specific skills levels), helping her in the playground and at soft play and with drawing and craft activities at home. Now DD1 is at school and I'm doing the same with DD2.

I couldn't have done all the activities we do if I'd gone for a 2 year gap (although a 3 year gap might have worked as DD1 was in preschool part-time then). When I take them out on my own, I'm limited sometimes as DD1 might want me to climb with her in soft play or a playground, which I can't do with a baby. Or there are some activities which won't allow a baby to be brought along. So yes, I think if you enjoy the one-on-one time with your baby then a bigger gap works well. A lot of parents with smaller gaps like the fact that the kids can play together quicker, "so I don't have to entertain my child all the time" - but I don't see entertaining DCs as a chore, so it's fine for us.

Thank you for this! This is what I want! I don’t understand why people have children if they don’t want to play with them/entertain them 🙈🤷‍♀️ It’s really good to see that I’m not alone in what I’m wanting to do and that it can actually work ❤️

OP posts:

NicLondon1 · 30/04/2023 20:02

5 years is a great age gap, don’t worry about it and plan your life the way you want it!
my sister and I are 5.5 years apart and had a great childhood together and are now best friends as adults. There was a stage when as a teenager I didn’t want a child lurking around and we grew apart for a few years, then it all resolved once she hit 15. Besties ever since.
My own children are coincidentally also 5.5 years apart and adore each other! Big sister helps out and isn’t jealous at all because she just adores her younger sibling… they love playing together and both say I love you all the time to each other (ages 3 & 8). So sweet.
I do agree that having the been an only child helps give a very secure attachment, so no jealousy arises.

NicLondon1 · 30/04/2023 20:04

I would say that conceiving my second took longer as I was late thirties, in fact he was born when I was 41, so we started trying when DD was 3, she was 5.5 when her sibling was born.
If you’re younger it probably won’t be a factor.

Hugasauras · 30/04/2023 20:06

OP, your subsequent posts sound almost a bit judgy that some people might not enjoy 'every moment' of the baby any toddler stage and actually find it hard work, or not want to spend every waking hour in the day playing with their kids. I do enjoy my young kids but certainly not every minute of it and I don't want to play 8 hours a day or spend every minute doing things with my children. Fine if that's what you want to do, but maybe can the veiled comments: 'I don't see why anyone doesn't enjoy the baby stage' and 'I don't know why anyone has kids if X'.

Original poster

WhatAreTheseOddFeelings · 30/04/2023 20:08

MILLYmo0se · 30/04/2023 08:50

Do you suffer from anxiety OP? And mean that in a kindly, judgemental way.
There such a lot of overthinking to the level of actual fear in your post that led me to wonder. You need to let go of these plans, you have no real control over any of it, birth control at the moment gives you some but beyond that......
You dont know how long it will take to or even if you ll conceive again, and there is absolutely no way for you or anyone to know how child 1 will react to child 2.

I do, yeah. I like to know what’s going to happen in life so unplannable things can be pretty stressful 🫣

OP posts:

Original poster

WhatAreTheseOddFeelings · 30/04/2023 20:10

Belfastchild1 · 30/04/2023 08:56

“They’ll have nothing in common”
says who? Mine are now 25,20 & 15. Always had plenty in common. Still head out to Mcdonalds etc spending time together. The 5 year gap suits plenty of families

What kind of family activities and days out did you do when they were young that worked for everyone?

OP posts:

Original poster

WhatAreTheseOddFeelings · 30/04/2023 20:11

matchalattewithsoy · 30/04/2023 09:12

This is one of those threads where the OP never returns, either because they realise they sound a bit like a loon or because they are a Daily Mail reporter. It's a coin toss really, these days.

No it’s not 🙈😂

OP posts:

SimonsCow · 30/04/2023 20:11

WhatAreTheseOddFeelings · 30/04/2023 20:01

Thank you for this! This is what I want! I don’t understand why people have children if they don’t want to play with them/entertain them 🙈🤷‍♀️ It’s really good to see that I’m not alone in what I’m wanting to do and that it can actually work ❤️

Show quote history

But having an adult play with them or entertain them doesn’t teach them social or relationship building skills in the same way as having a peer to interact with/settle disagreements with etc every single day. People don’t have children close together because they can’t be arsed to play with them!

I find my attention is massively split in 2 because of the big age gap. We could do things together all the time if they were closer in age and had the same needs/interests

ELMhouse · 30/04/2023 20:19

WhatAreTheseOddFeelings · 28/04/2023 11:34

I know that I want another child. I’m an only child and I’ve always wanted more than one. I have a nearly 2 year old and I absolutely love being a mum.

The current plan is to try for another baby when he’s in school so he would probably be 5 or 6. The idea with this is that I will get to spend all of his first 5 years with him, giving him all of me and being able to do all of the activities and toddler/pre-school classes without having to factor in another child. Then when he’s at school and we have another one I can do the same with them during school hours.

The odd thoughts/feelings I am having right now are:
Panicking about getting pregnant now - Around the time my period is due (and more so if it is late) I start panicking that I am pregnant. I don’t believe in abortion so that would never be an option for me so I know that if I were to end up being pregnant sooner than planned I would be having that baby. Now I don’t doubt that I would love and enjoy my second child no matter when they come along but the thought of being pregnant again sooner than planned makes me feel sad. I don’t want either child to miss out on opportunities to do all the fun baby and little kid things with me. I want my child to be our only focus until he starts school so that I can fully enjoy being his mummy and doing all of the fun things we do now. I don’t want him to have to share our attention right now.

But then the other thought I’m having is what if this thought/feeling doesn’t change when he starts school? I know I will miss him whilst he is there and I don’t want the new baby to be seen as a replacement. But then how long is too long to wait? What if I don’t think he is ready to share the attention until year 1 or year 2? He would then be 7, 8 or 9 by the time the next baby comes.

I feel less worried about the next baby in the sense that all they will know is having a big brother so they won’t have that feeling of being replaced/ignored/left out ect. in the same way as a child who has been an only child previously.

The thing is that I know I want another child. I’m pretty positive that that won’t change. So what are these feelings about and what do I do??

OP I have three girls 17, 11 and 9. The age gap (6 years) was great between my first and second. My first ‘helped’ look after her baby sister etc.

However this is just my experience now I am so pleased I have my two younger two with a 2 year age gap (this sounds awful it’s not mean to), as my 17yr old and 11yr old (and especially my 17yr old and 9yr old) don’t have and haven’t had anything in common for a few years (haven’t played together, haven’t had the same friends, activities in common).

I personally have found the age gap (6 years and then eldest and youngest 8 years) super tricky as it was like I had to have two separate lives with each of the kids (the younger two vs the older one).

Heydiddlelidl · 30/04/2023 20:22

The whole "big age gap = nothing in common" thing just isn't true OP, we have a 10 year age gap between ours and the absolutely adore each other - they play, draw and hang out together, they beg to share a bedroom on holiday, they are the best of friends with no jealousy or resentment. I value getting to spend quality time alone with my DC2 while DC1 is at school, then when DC2 goes to bed earlier we have quality time with DC1. It works great for us! Do what feels right for you and your family, there is no right or wrong answer here.

Dontworkmondays · 30/04/2023 20:28

You are thinking more about your relationship and forgetting how huge sibling relationships are. Your 2 year old gets a best friend for life, after a few months they sadly won’t miss your undivided attention.

youaremysunshine03 · 30/04/2023 20:45

Gosh the comments on here are making me (and probably some others) feel awful!

I have a 3 year old and have been TTC number 2 for close to a year now (including a MC in this time), so we’ll have AT LEAST a 4 year gap. Not everyone is lucky enough to conceive that quickly and have the “perfect” two year gap that everyone on here seems to be going on about 🙄

My sibling and I have a 7 year gap and although it was tricky in the teenage years, we are the best of friends now. I have friends with smaller gaps who aren’t close to their siblings at all! A small gap doesn’t guarantee anything.

SaveMeFromForearms · 30/04/2023 20:47

Generally people don't have a second kid because they can't be arsed entertaining the first one. That's a pretty shitty thing to say actually.

You have a weird way of looking at parenting. Nobody is going to give you an Attention Badge for never looking away from your child for the first five years.

babyproblems · 30/04/2023 20:48

theres an awful lot of hypotheticals in your post.. I think you’re overthinking a lot of things that are unlikely and not going to seem as big as they seem to you now. I do understand where you’re coming from as I feel like you about some of the things you mention; but in the nicest way possible I think you’re being very precious about some elements of childhood and blown them out of proportion. Are you using protection?? I can understand why you’re stressed if you’re not - that would explain your post tbh! If you aren’t using contraception please start as I think this will largely remove your anxiety!! You give quite a lot of reasons as to why you want to ‘hold off’ on the second child; to the benefit of the first child, but what are your actual reasons for wanting another? Im not totally convinced that you do.. x

babyproblems · 30/04/2023 20:49

*contraception not protection!

Subtlety1985 · 30/04/2023 20:58

“The thing is that I know I want another child. I’m pretty positive that that won’t change. So what are these feelings about and what do I do??”

Your OP is squealing ‘perfectionist’ and ‘controlling’. Perhaps the anxiety your feeling about getting pregnant again is because your so desperately trying to control the timing.

Take contraception - thoroughly & hope for the best.

“I don’t understand why people have children if they don’t want to play with them/entertain them”

Wow! Judgemental comment. Everyone is different, some people love the baby stage, some people prefer the ‘child’ stage and some cope better with the teenage years. I’ve yet to meet someone who loves it all. Just because someone doesn’t want to entertain babies 12 hours a day, doesn’t mean they don’t entertain them at all?! and certainly doesn’t mean they shouldn’t have them. Having a child is a lifelong commitment, not just until they go to primary school.

I've friends who have a larger gap between their babies and friends with a very small gap - each will say they couldn’t have done it any other way. People do what’s right for them.

Lollipop81 · 30/04/2023 21:04

Your over thinking this. There is 17 months between my children and yes my eldest was disgruntled for a few months but he soon got over it, and now they are inseparable. I honestly can’t imagine having one without the other. We did all the preschool things together, no one was left out or felt pushed out. It worked out better as they are close in age they are into the same things, so when we go places I don’t have to think about trying to entertain both of them because of age difference.
im not saying your wrong in wanting an age gap, but just trying to make you see it isn’t the end of the world having 2 children close in age, in fact the compete opposite ☺️

AuntyMabelandPippin · 30/04/2023 21:07

I had four in six years. I never felt I (or them) missed out being part of a loving, close family. They're grown up now but still close.

CatA27 · 30/04/2023 21:14

I have 4 children with age gaps of 2, 3 and 4 years. I'd say 3 was the easiest and 2 & 4 the hardest. The bigger gap because you do forget how hard baby and toddler stage is and it comes as a bit of a shock to the system no matter how much you love it. Sleepless nights when you have a 5 or 6 year old to get ready for school is super hard! Also,my daughter had a hard time starting school as she wanted to be home with me and baby bro. However, regarding your problem of worrying that if you got pregnant earlier each child wouldn't get as much mummy time, maybe not, but they get some wonderful them time. Watching my 2 & 4 Yr old grandsons play at soft play and run to hug each other is beautiful 😍 So I guess what I am trying to say is that each age gap has its pros and cons, some things easier, some things harder, some better, some not. As long as the child is loved and wanted the gap doesn't matter.

randommusings8 · 30/04/2023 21:22

I think you are imagining things that may never happen.

If you don't want to get pregnant, use contraception. If you do, then TTC, but bear in mind fertility problems & miscarriages are common and unpredictable.

I don't think it's brilliant for your DC to be your sole focus of your life- sounds very intense. Do you have a career/hobbies/other interests?

There are issues with every theoretical age gap, even the 5 year/school age one you are planning. If you have a kid in reception and a baby, you won't be able to help out at any of the school activities (of which there are many!!), you may find it difficult to do play dates with school friends if you have a newborn to look after and school holidays may be quite tricky too.