To feel like this about having another child?

[WhatAreTheseOddFeelings]

I know that I want another child. I’m an only child and I’ve always wanted more than one. I have a nearly 2 year old and I absolutely love being a mum.

The current plan is to try for another baby when he’s in school so he would probably be 5 or 6. The idea with this is that I will get to spend all of his first 5 years with him, giving him all of me and being able to do all of the activities and toddler/pre-school classes without having to factor in another child. Then when he’s at school and we have another one I can do the same with them during school hours.

The odd thoughts/feelings I am having right now are:
Panicking about getting pregnant now - Around the time my period is due (and more so if it is late) I start panicking that I am pregnant. I don’t believe in abortion so that would never be an option for me so I know that if I were to end up being pregnant sooner than planned I would be having that baby. Now I don’t doubt that I would love and enjoy my second child no matter when they come along but the thought of being pregnant again sooner than planned makes me feel sad. I don’t want either child to miss out on opportunities to do all the fun baby and little kid things with me. I want my child to be our only focus until he starts school so that I can fully enjoy being his mummy and doing all of the fun things we do now. I don’t want him to have to share our attention right now.

But then the other thought I’m having is what if this thought/feeling doesn’t change when he starts school? I know I will miss him whilst he is there and I don’t want the new baby to be seen as a replacement. But then how long is too long to wait? What if I don’t think he is ready to share the attention until year 1 or year 2? He would then be 7, 8 or 9 by the time the next baby comes.

I feel less worried about the next baby in the sense that all they will know is having a big brother so they won’t have that feeling of being replaced/ignored/left out ect. in the same way as a child who has been an only child previously.

The thing is that I know I want another child. I’m pretty positive that that won’t change. So what are these feelings about and what do I do??

I do know what @Mumsday is getting at. I have 4 children: some close together in age and some not. I love playing with them and avoiding playing with them is not why i had them close together. BUT playing with mummy or daddy is not in any way the same experience as playing with a close in age sibling. My children live in their own imaginary world. They play together from before breakfast until after dinner. They are never lonely. Of course I do the odd bit of crafting, painting, baking, Lego with them. But that’s always the filler in until a sibling gets home or finishes homework etc.

Of course bigger age gaps do play together and my children who are further apart do hang out together and love each other, but a 10 and a 5 year old do
not play in quite the same way. They aren’t friends in the sense that my closer in age ones are. They don’t gossip about mutual acquaintances or play games based on the books they both read, or start a baking project or write a story or a playscript together, or make up a dance routine. It is more a case of bigger one placating the little one and looking after them and doing funny things for them etc.
If possible I really do advocate a smaller age gap. As I said I have both big and small gaps and whilst the bigger gap is much nicer for me, the smaller gap is nice for the children.

I think there’s no right or wrong when it comes to sibling age gaps. They’ve all got pros and cons - and also all involve individual humans with individual personalities.

But the one thing I can close to guarantee you is that whenever you do have a second one, you will adore them and you won’t see them as an intruder/interloper into your relationship with DS1.

I had a plan....that went right out the window when I realised it wasn't going to be as easy as I thought it was! Then I had another plan, but that one went right out the widow when I realised that I was an IVF rockstar and had an easy (ish) time of it. Then the next plan went out the window when the old tickerty-tock told me I wasn't done at 2. Oh, and there was the 'I hate toddler groups, I'd rather stick needles in my eyes' that I hadn't expected AT ALL so that felt like a complete grind. I could give you a whole books worth of arguments why your original plan (wait till number 1 goes to school) has a heap of drawbacks and potential unwanted effects on number 1 - and there's this other books where you've hit the baby jackpot and got it completely right. I had one and two 16-months apart - it was AMAZING, watching them interact together and getting time to see them grow and bond before oldest had to go off to school. three came along when two had just turned 3 so they got a tiny bit of time together but then I got to spend time with three (although the schedule was different as we had school run to do). Anyway my point is, it would seem that you're getting yourself worked up about the 'next steps' which could well have an effect on enjoying these ones. If you're on birth control you're taking steps to make sure your plan works out, and if for some reason you get pregnant anyway before then well... it was meant to be and you'll be fine!

Doesn't always work like that. I have a brother 2 years 2 months younger and one 12 years younger. Didn't play with my first brother at all as a child despite the close age gap. Ironically the 2 boys always got on very well despite age difference ( nearly 10 years) and still do. My daughters are 3 years 3 months spart. Fought like cat and dog constantly. Now they both married they have nothing much to do with each other. My son is 9 years younger than DD2 (now 19) and they get on much better. Ironically both DDs only have the one child each

All sounds way too intense for everyone.

I had a toddler and a teenager. Plus one inbetween What's the big deal with that? At least the teenager was doing her own stuff and I wasn't paying all my wages out on childcare like when you have two preschoolers

Presume you weren't working and needing to pay for childcare with them all being so close in age

Thats too much of an age gap for me personally.

Just over 4 years between my two and they've always had a great relationship. I was 10 (and a half!) when my sister was born and 15 when my brother was born. We are also very close. So an age gap doesn't necessarily mean they won't get on. I think there will always be good and bad sides to having them close together or with a few years between, but if you definitely don't want another baby in the next couple of years, you might want to use more reliable contraception 😀

We started ttc when dc1 was 1. It took 6 years to have dc2, with lots of losses on the way.
YABU to think that you can control life to that extent. Also I wish so much that we had less of an age gap - they are at such different stages and are always fighting.
If you are lucky enough to be blessed with a dc2 just be grateful, whatever age gap you have.

After reading your post I just thought...wow...talk about overthinking it! And that comes from someone who definitely thinks things through but that takes it to a whole other level🤣
Anyway I'd say have them close together and they grow up together and u can do similar aged stuff together. That's my tuppence worth. But I think most comments made to your post were really good and helpful. Hopefully all that helps!
Best wishes with the family ❤️

For very similar reasons to you, we went for a 4-year age gap. I didn’t want two in nappies and childcare simultaneously and as we travel frequently (both sets of (grand)parents live abroad) I really needed one who was old enough to walk beside me with their own little suitcase, listen to instructions in crowded places, sit in their own plane/train seat etc before having another.
So my eldest is now 4.5 and his baby brother is 9wo. He LOVES his baby brother and I get to devote my maternity leave to my youngest just as I did with the eldest. I think it’s a great age gap personally and in terms of my age it has also worked well (I was 32 when I had the eldest and 36 with the youngest).

I decided to plan a three year age gap, and my child is nearly five having had four miscarriages and a baby loss and no immediate prospect of another child. Some things are out of our control and to some extent we have to go with the flow.

You are overthinking this

Good grief - you are really overthinking this!
older kids don’t miss out on anything just because siblings come along!

Actually I was working, Like I said, I had a plan.....

You are massively overthinking it! I have an 11 and a half MONTH age gap it’s the best thing I’ve ever done they love each other so much and they are both into the same things and have so much in common I’d personally hate a bigger gap your eldest will have absolutely nothing in common age wise at least and days out I think will actually be harder think going to baby/toddler targeted weekends with your eldest they will be bored just my opinion. Also factor in your age it’s harder to fall pregnant as you get older I’m not say get pregnant now just go with the flow if it happens it happens and you could never love one more than the other your heart just literally doubles the love

As someone who wanted two children and didn't start trying for a second till my daughter was nearly 4 because I wasn't ready and needed to work through the grief from my mum dying but never got one because of secondary infertility and recurrent miscarriage, don't take your future fertility for granted and if you want another child don't leave it too long. Unfortunately life doesn't always go to planned especially when it comes to fertility. I'm now 42 and exploring adoption with a 9 year old first child. NHS won't fund anything other than clomid if you already have a child.

There are pros and cons to all ages gaps and I have seen different age gaps work in different families but seeing my daughter struggle without contact with other children during COVID lockdowns broke my heart.

Aside from all of the above … you need to get your life together . You are a grown woman and you don’t sound like you have control of your birth control.

Aren’t you just looking at it from your point of view? Sounds like you want to raise 2 only children.
Having a sibling (DBro and I are 2.5 years apart) is about growing up together, playing together, knowing each others friends, building a bond that takes you into adulthood and when you no longer have parents, maybe their children (cousins) growing up together.
Sure not every set of siblings get along all of the time, but I would prefer a sibling to grow up with than to have my mum have me to herself for 6-7 years.

Yup, too big an age gap. If you want a second child just for yourselves, then do it when you both feel ready. If you want one to benefit your first born, though, then get cracking - the smaller the age gap, the better the chance they'll get on and be close.

I think stressing about having another won’t help you. Just use contraception until you are ready to try but think like others have said plans don’t always work. x

Same boat.
....how did they Cope or what did they do in the end about it ?

Have the second earlier
2-3y age gap theyll get on better
5yr is way too much

I wanted a child with a close age gap to first-born. Three miscarriages and five years later, I finally had a second child. Fertility doesn’t happen to order. Nor do children. They may hate, or love, each other regardless of the gap. I would crack on with it if you do want a second. If not, enjoy the one you have. Not everyone gets to have even one.