To feel like this about having another child?

[WhatAreTheseOddFeelings]

I know that I want another child. I’m an only child and I’ve always wanted more than one. I have a nearly 2 year old and I absolutely love being a mum.

The current plan is to try for another baby when he’s in school so he would probably be 5 or 6. The idea with this is that I will get to spend all of his first 5 years with him, giving him all of me and being able to do all of the activities and toddler/pre-school classes without having to factor in another child. Then when he’s at school and we have another one I can do the same with them during school hours.

The odd thoughts/feelings I am having right now are:
Panicking about getting pregnant now - Around the time my period is due (and more so if it is late) I start panicking that I am pregnant. I don’t believe in abortion so that would never be an option for me so I know that if I were to end up being pregnant sooner than planned I would be having that baby. Now I don’t doubt that I would love and enjoy my second child no matter when they come along but the thought of being pregnant again sooner than planned makes me feel sad. I don’t want either child to miss out on opportunities to do all the fun baby and little kid things with me. I want my child to be our only focus until he starts school so that I can fully enjoy being his mummy and doing all of the fun things we do now. I don’t want him to have to share our attention right now.

But then the other thought I’m having is what if this thought/feeling doesn’t change when he starts school? I know I will miss him whilst he is there and I don’t want the new baby to be seen as a replacement. But then how long is too long to wait? What if I don’t think he is ready to share the attention until year 1 or year 2? He would then be 7, 8 or 9 by the time the next baby comes.

I feel less worried about the next baby in the sense that all they will know is having a big brother so they won’t have that feeling of being replaced/ignored/left out ect. in the same way as a child who has been an only child previously.

The thing is that I know I want another child. I’m pretty positive that that won’t change. So what are these feelings about and what do I do??

I would say i felt the same and had the same doubts as you when my son was that age, he is 2years 7 months now and the change i have seen in him in independence is mind blowing, and they start to want to play and socialise with other children more now too. I dont know what it is like round you but our routine during the week is:
Every other monday playgroup which he cant do after he turns 3
Tuesday a different playgroup that also stops once 3
Wednesday messyplay
Thursday preschool, morning only thatvhe loves
Friday free/recharging for the weekend.

So once he turns 3 we will only be able to still do preschool and messyplay, and he really does love school and as we both work full time he will go to pre school mornings mon to friday come January and i think he will be ready for that interaction with kids his own age and i will still have him in the afternoons to do things, it will also prepare him for school nursery more.

There is a reason alot of people have a 3 year age gap in the uk, if you have too big a gap i think you will lose the friend/ companship for your kids you may be seeking by having two, but that may just be me.

We are trying for our second now after much debating in my head for me, i do feel it is right for us, but just see how you feel but you may feel very differently in 6 months time

I personally think that the 5 year age gap is too much for me. My mum had that between me and each of my siblings and it wasn’t til we were in our late teens/twenties that we did much together. Mine are 8,6,4,2 and 4 months. Already things like days out can be tricky at the 8 year old won’t have the same interests as my 4 or 2 year old. Luckily, he can pair up with my 6 year old and go off and play.

that being said, I know a lot of mums with bigger gaps who enjoy it.

This

I'm an only child....why do you want another child? Thats maybe what you need to ask yourself.
Cause waiting 5 years or more fir baby number 2... the age gap is massive and I can assure youu that your 2 kids will be in completely different paths ....they won't play with the same toys, won't lioe the same cartoons, won't be in the same section of softplay... won't have that much in common. So I'm guessing the second baby isn't a play friend for the first.
Also....you could do all the messy play, groups and so on with both of them at the same place if you had a baby now.

Totally, and a 5-6 year old who's got used to having all the focus and special attention is going to really fucking hate a baby coming along and spoiling it all...

I had a very similar timeframe in mind. DC2 arrived 44 months after DC1. I would not worry about your eldest feeling pushed out. My eldest already felt they were deprived not having a sibling as most of their friends already did.
However, I have to agree with other posters; you can't plan things too finely. Unplanned DC3 arrived 22 months after number two... and all is well.

I’ve just had my second. My first was turned 3, 3 days before baby was born!
personally I wanted them to be close in age so that they may have similar interests or when they are older we can do days out that suit both of them.
So a few things. My daughter had her 30 hours just after the baby was born, so she is in nursery 4 days a week and we have one day together where I take her to football. Come September though (she will be 3.5) she starts the nursery attached to her primary school. She will then go 5 days a week. For me this in important as it will mean that she knows everyone and the routines before reception. I wouldn’t want her to go to reception with children that all knew each other from nursery and feel left out. I’ve also known children that didn’t go to the nursery struggle with the transition to reception.
The reason I’m saying this is because you may find that they are in some form of education before 5. Even reception starts at 4.
I was worried about my daughter being jealous but she hasn’t been at all. She tells everyone her sister is her best friend. Constantly asking to hug and kiss her. She will ask for her sister to pick her up from nursery. She loves showing her off, makes me wait at preschool so that all the staff can see her 😂. Honestly the bond is already amazing and it makes us all melt!
She gets plenty of attention (more than the baby when she’s around!) gets taken to football and swimming lessons. The swimming is just the two of us as Dad has the baby.
Do what suits you but I was worried about jealousy and I now see I had no reason as my daughter says ‘my baby sister is my best friend’ x

This describes the process I went through

I knew I wanted a second, but with a reasonable age gap, just like you OP. But the 5 years gap I envisioned suddenly turned into 4. I panicked at first, but it was amazing, and just right for us

I mean this in a nice way, but you should have the second child to take the intensity off the first. I mean, he's two, and you are already thinking about missing him at school 😬
Relax and don't overthink it.

I havent read the full thread.
You are over thinking and second guessing.
If you wait until your first child goes to school and then produce a sibling then there is the danger of the first child being upset that the 'new' one is at home enjoying your wonderful mum things.
I'm being a bit flippant but there is no perfect time to have another child.
My own experience is two children, two and a half years apart which for us was perfect. The second child just adds to the family and if they have a year or two together before the oldest starts school then they have time to create a strong sibling bond. Yes! they can enjoy a relationship almost as important as yours!
They grow together and being close in age they start doing the same things as they get to be older children.
It's just my two penneth.

I have four children and a variety of age gaps. My favorite gap was the 2yr gap between my first and second.

Are you sure you want another child? It seems like it's a stressful matter for you. It doesn't need to be this planned if you do. There are pros and cons to every and any age gap.
I've agonised over this too until I realised I was worrying about something that did not yet exist and was not necessarily needed, so I'm enjoying DD as she is. She's 5 and v likely to be an only now. I'm happier now than when I was flip flopping every day over having a 2nd.

I have nearly a 5 year age gap between my first and second child. It's not a great gap at all. They have nothing in common and my oldest is and still can be quite jealous towards my middle child. He was used to having me and his dad to himself for years and found it difficult to adjust to having a sibling after so many years. They are now 11 and 6. It's constant different activities and interests so we often have one parent taking dc1 somewhere and the other taking DC2 and Dc3. They go to bed at different times, don't play together and I honestly think it did dc1 more harm than good being an only child for so long as we also gave him loads of one to one attention. That's not always the case if they have a lot of other kids around them and are used to sharing you and dad but it's something to consider.

Dc3 came along as a surprise. There is a 2.5 year gap between him and dc2. It's a great gap. It was hard work when they were very small but they play together loads now, giggle all the time together and have similar interests. They are the best of friends and seek each other out at lunchtime in school too have a cuddle.

You will love your second child just as much as your first. Anxiety is natural but it's worth considering a huge gap has negatives as well as positives.

hi @WhatAreTheseOddFeelings do you suffer from anxiety / ocd at all? I know a couple of people have mentioned that your thought processes are odd but I can relate totally. I would agree that planning to this degree is coming from an anxious / perfectionist mind. I have one DC and also have a history of anxiety. I was actually anxious to have a smaller gap due to my age and also because I thought that siblings closer in age would get on better. But sadly here I am just after my 2nd MMC with the gap getting bigger and bigger. As an anxious person I have found the process of going from nearly getting my 'perfect' plan to then readjusting and re-planning very draining and sad. I know everyone would find this hard and sad (not just someone with ocd type thinking) but it seems to add a complicated layer. In theory it is fine to have a plan but I really wouldn't worry so much about whether the gap is 'perfect'. People like us need to be reminded that life cannot be planned in this way and we need to make peace with that.

As an anxious brain I have also had panics and fears that I MIGHT be pregnant when I really didn't want to be e.g. when my DC was younger than a year old, or too soon after MC when I didn't feel ready... And then have equally been panicking at the thought of not being able to have the second DC when I planned to. I think these crazy thoughts are just the product of an anxious mind and we need to remember that hopefully things will work out one way or another (maybe not in the exact way we plan!)

Also really appreciate those mentioning that longer gaps actually work well as I was feeling a bit down about people pointing out the negatives! :)

Oh, and I have a 5 year gap between my eldest and middle. It's not great - just too big a gap really.
The 3 year gap between middle and youngest was perfect, and they grew up really close until the dreaded teens hit.

It's a pretty big age gap OP.

I was 8 nearly 9 when my brother was born and we didn't speak at all growing up.

Obviously a bit older, but you might not get pregnant in the timeframe you want!

Try to relax and enjoy time with your LO. Another one will come along when the time is right and you'll make it work.

I think you’re worrying far far too much.

Unfortunately you don't always get to choose the gap, so I would start trying now if I were you. You have no idea how long it will take. I was seven years before conceiving my second baby. Delighted to have her. Obviously I wouldn't have chosen nine years between my children but that's just life.

I wouldn’t worry too much about gaps. 2 is still really young! Just give it some time, there only so much you can plan anyway.

I don't really understand the question either.

I wouldn't want to wait that long for another child personally. I had my two ~2.5 years apart and I love that they'll play together and interact loads (7 and 5). I also thought it would be easier for a child to adjust to having a sibling easier when they're little. My eldest doesn't really remember a time without their little sibling now. They may not be close when they're older, but they are now and it fills my heart with joy (except when they're arguing and trying to kill each other of course!!).

Also as much as I love babies it's nice to be done with some of the baby stuff - nappies, wipes, weaning mess, endless night waking (well my 2nd still isn't a great sleeper but getting there) etc. I can't imagine going back to all that whist also having a child at school and all the juggling that goes on there to keep on top of school stuff.

It's also worth bearing in mind that you could take longer to conceive second time. There's no guarantees for any of this stuff. My first took nearly a year of TTC and my second was a determined little creature and latched on the first time we had unprotected sex, I couldn't believe it! It could well have been the other way around, or we could have had to TTC for much longer. It's not something you can control. We started TTC a bit earlier than our ideal and got pregnant straight away, which was a shock but honestly I felt nothing but utter joy about it. And now I think... if I hadn't gotten pregnant with my two lovely DC exactly when I did, then I would have two totally different children. Which is a strange thought as I cannot imagine life without them. But what I'm trying to say is, I don't think you'll really care at the end of the day.

You could also get pregnant with twins second time around!

Age also a factor. If you're in your 20s fair enough. That would be the biggest deciding factor for me in how long to wait.

Ultimately I think you sound a bit rigid about it all, and like you are overthinking it massively. I'd go with the flow.

Will you send your DC to nursery at 3? Many people use that time for baby groups for DC2. I think you are somewhat 'in the trenches' of toddlerhood and focusing on baby classes. My DC2 did less than DC1, but got other benefits like playdates with DC1's friends and their siblings.

I am confident my DC2 added more to DC1's life than he took away! Plus my eldest still likes to be centre of attention and it is good for her to have to share that! (We have a 3yr gap).

It’s comforting that I’m not the only one who feels this way!! It seems like a lot of people just want to get the baby/toddler stage out of the way but it’s most enjoyable bit as you get to really be with them/do things with them before they want to be off doing their own thing!

I’d recommend reading ‘The Second Baby Book’ by Sarah Ockwell-Smith.

You are overthinking it as you have an idea of what the "perfect" set up should be. Personally, making a dc the centre of your world, shipping them off to school and then doting on a sibling... Might not be the best for the first child?

You may also find you have neither the energgy or inclination to dp a crazy range of activities with number 2, in addition to a couple of after school things with number 1.

Different age gaps work for different families.

I have 6 yrs between 1 and 2 due to infertility. It worked out fine. I have 2 yrs between 2 and 3, and that also works out fine.

OP, if you afe a family that plans to pay for university for your children, a 4 year spacing increase the likelihood that you will have 1 out before you have to commence paying for the next child.