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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel like this about having another child?

216 replies

WhatAreTheseOddFeelings · 28/04/2023 11:34

I know that I want another child. I’m an only child and I’ve always wanted more than one. I have a nearly 2 year old and I absolutely love being a mum.

The current plan is to try for another baby when he’s in school so he would probably be 5 or 6. The idea with this is that I will get to spend all of his first 5 years with him, giving him all of me and being able to do all of the activities and toddler/pre-school classes without having to factor in another child. Then when he’s at school and we have another one I can do the same with them during school hours.

The odd thoughts/feelings I am having right now are:
Panicking about getting pregnant now - Around the time my period is due (and more so if it is late) I start panicking that I am pregnant. I don’t believe in abortion so that would never be an option for me so I know that if I were to end up being pregnant sooner than planned I would be having that baby. Now I don’t doubt that I would love and enjoy my second child no matter when they come along but the thought of being pregnant again sooner than planned makes me feel sad. I don’t want either child to miss out on opportunities to do all the fun baby and little kid things with me. I want my child to be our only focus until he starts school so that I can fully enjoy being his mummy and doing all of the fun things we do now. I don’t want him to have to share our attention right now.

But then the other thought I’m having is what if this thought/feeling doesn’t change when he starts school? I know I will miss him whilst he is there and I don’t want the new baby to be seen as a replacement. But then how long is too long to wait? What if I don’t think he is ready to share the attention until year 1 or year 2? He would then be 7, 8 or 9 by the time the next baby comes.

I feel less worried about the next baby in the sense that all they will know is having a big brother so they won’t have that feeling of being replaced/ignored/left out ect. in the same way as a child who has been an only child previously.

The thing is that I know I want another child. I’m pretty positive that that won’t change. So what are these feelings about and what do I do??

OP posts:
Sunnymummy8 · 30/04/2023 19:13

We have a big age gap.. and it totally works for us.

Lifeisapeach · 30/04/2023 19:15

while it all sounds idyllic for your son… have you thought about having two major life events for him happen at exactly the same time? I don’t think that’s ideal at all.

Also for me that’s a big age gap and how will you spend your weekends entertaining too very differently aged children?

Just another angle to consider.

Temporaryname158 · 30/04/2023 19:17

I think you are placing FAR FAR too much importance on 1:1 time and you are also imposing feelings on your first child they may never feel like being replaced etc. I have a younger sister. I never felt any of these feelings and no angst I had to share my parents with her. We got on so well and I’d have been lonely without her.

my children are 2.5 years apart and seeing them grow, play and love each other is wonderful. Too large an age gap and they’ll have nothing in common. (They will love each other of course)

you can’t choose when they feel they can stop being an only, quite frankly it’s silly. You choose your family size but what if you didn’t get pregnant straight away when you wanted to? Gaps won’t necessarily happen as you want them

Raindancer411 · 30/04/2023 19:18

Mine are 8 years apart and get on well and I got to spend one on one with my eldest and now doing the same with the youngest

Time4achangeagain · 30/04/2023 19:18

No matter when you have your second I’m pretty sure you’ll miss your first a lot in the beginning. I certainly did. Obviously add hormones on top but I missed that one on one time so much. What I’m saying is, don’t worry too much about getting that timing right because you may always miss that one on one time a bit. I’d actually say a 3-4 year gap might suit you quite well. They can still play together but are a bit more spaced and you get alone time with each.

SaveMeFromForearms · 30/04/2023 19:21

@WhatAreTheseOddFeelings you've got a LOT of years before they want to go off doing their own thing. You're not going to have to cram all of your parenting into the pre-school years.

TheGoogleMum · 30/04/2023 19:21

I did a 4 Yr gap between kids so oldest will start school while I'm on mat leave. I think there's pros and cons to all age gaps tbh, and no guarantee pregnancy will happen when you want it to anyway!

IJustHadToLookHavingReadTheBook · 30/04/2023 19:23

RosaBonheur · 28/04/2023 12:00

What jumps out at me is the fact that you seem to want to make your child the sole focus of your life until they go to school, and then have another one.

(As a side note, are you planning to work at all during this time?)

That means your child gets five or six years of your undivided attention, gets very used to being an only child, and then inevitably feels sidelined once they're at school and a new sibling comes along.

A new sibling who will be significantly younger, meaning that they'll never be at the same developmental stage, they'll never want to do the same things, you won't be able to do much family stuff together because the old one will want to be doing karate or Minecraft or football or dance classes when the younger one is still at the soft play and Peppa Pig World stage.

This would be the case until the older one is in their mid 20s, by which point they can finally go for a pint together.

It doesn't sound like a great idea to me.

I have a two year old and a three month old, and whilst I do feel spread quite thin, seeing the bond they already have is amazing. My son will have no memories of being an only child.

Agree with this. I had my second when the first was 2yrs 2m. It was tough for a while but now they're 9 and 7 it's wonderful the bond they have and the way they play together. They're one another's best friend and it's lovely to see.

Sage71 · 30/04/2023 19:23

I actually think by giving a child all your attention for so long will make it harder for them to adapt to a sibling. You then plan to do this for your second child but even with the older one at school you won’t be able to replicate the situation as you will have to do school drop off and pick up and your older son may have activities such as football, beavers, swimming etc. after school or at the weekend. Having your first child everything is new and exciting but also challenging and a huge learning curve. Second time round is not the same, you don’t love them any less you somehow just have double the love but you are much more able to deal with it. Children are very adaptable I have 22 months between my two boys. Now 13 and 11. We have great days and awful days. There is love and hate but overall I wouldn’t change it. My older sons best friend has a younger brother 6 year age gap and they struggle to do family stuff as a 13 year old doesn’t want to do the same stuff as a 7 year old. When they go on holiday the older one doesn’t want to share a room with the younger one. When my son goes over there his friends younger brother wants to join in playing with them but the things they watch and play are not age appropriate for the younger one so it is really difficult. Not saying one or other is the right thing to do but this is the other perspective from the children’s point of view as my son tells me he feel sorry for them both as he can see both sides.

Justhereforthebotox · 30/04/2023 19:27

Why the belief that you need so much 1:1? I did things very happily with both kids (2.5 years apart) and they each had plenty of individual attention. Additionally, games/board games/going swimming/playing in the park/days out etc is so much more fun for both of them with a sibling to play with.
I also have friends with a much bigger age gap between their children which has also worked out very well.
So I guess I’m trying to say don’t panic. Aim for your preferred outcome, but if it doesn’t work out exactly as you planned, it’s still likely to be ok!

Onelifeonly · 30/04/2023 19:28

Life doesn't necessarily turn out like you plan it to. Don't set yourself up to fail by having such fixed ideas. There are pros and cons to smaller or larger age gaps, and you simply can't predict how a child will react to a sibling. You also can't predict how you will feel in years to come - maybe after 5 years you won't want to go back to the baby years, just as your child is ready for a whole range of activities and experiences that you can't do with a baby or toddler. Maybe you won't be able to conceive easily in 5 years time.

It's fine to want two children (many people do!) And fine not to get pregnant again yet, but try to be more willing to accept life as it comes.

I did know someone who had 3 children, all 7 years apart. As each moved on to secondary, the next one started in reception. I don't know if it was intended, but I do know that it is a pretty unusual circumstance.

rumbusiness · 30/04/2023 19:30

Onelifeonly · 30/04/2023 19:28

Life doesn't necessarily turn out like you plan it to. Don't set yourself up to fail by having such fixed ideas. There are pros and cons to smaller or larger age gaps, and you simply can't predict how a child will react to a sibling. You also can't predict how you will feel in years to come - maybe after 5 years you won't want to go back to the baby years, just as your child is ready for a whole range of activities and experiences that you can't do with a baby or toddler. Maybe you won't be able to conceive easily in 5 years time.

It's fine to want two children (many people do!) And fine not to get pregnant again yet, but try to be more willing to accept life as it comes.

I did know someone who had 3 children, all 7 years apart. As each moved on to secondary, the next one started in reception. I don't know if it was intended, but I do know that it is a pretty unusual circumstance.

God. 21 years of primary school 😭

Hugasauras · 30/04/2023 19:31

We have a 3-year age gap. DD1 is absolutely head over heels for her little sister, and DD2 lights up whenever DD1 comes home from nursery. We do plenty together as a family, sometimes I take DD1 to stuff solo, sometimes my husband does, sometimes I take DD2 to stuff while DD1 is at nursery or while DH takes her somewhere else. That's just how families work, really!

Ultimately you can't control what relationships other people have, but I'd think if you were worried about DC1 feeling pushed out or whatever then you want a smaller age gap, not a larger one. I don't think my first DD really remembers being an only child and certainly doesn't ever mention it.

adarkbarking · 30/04/2023 19:32

Massive overthinking here, @AngelicInnocent. You have no idea how long it will take you to become pregnant for the second time (assuming, that is, that you don't suffer from secondary infertility). Your idea of the 'perfect age gap' is my idea of a bad age gap - in so far as I thought about it at all, I just thought that given that I was 30 when DC1 was born, we'd better just crack on with having more and see what happened, as I knew I absolutely didn't want an only child. We ended up with small gaps, which would be some people's idea of hell, but it was great.

clarehhh · 30/04/2023 19:32

The gap will mean they are hardly siblings. They will have such different needs. Much better to go gor smaller gap so they can play together otherwise elder one will have to accommodate smaller one and their needs and resent them too much. Think about having a toddler and a teenager, recipe for trouble.

Georgyporky · 30/04/2023 19:32

So you want to be a non-working SAHM for a long time ?

BTMadmummy · 30/04/2023 19:33

Things in life don't always work out how you plan.

Original poster
WhatAreTheseOddFeelings · 30/04/2023 19:35

Mummyof287 · 28/04/2023 12:48

I was an only child also, knew I would always want more than one and for DD1 to have a sibling.
I love her SO much, but she has always been an intense and high needs baby/child, and only slept through the night at 2.
Also, I worked with 2yos in a nursery before, and knew how tough it would be to have a baby and a toddler, plus like you wanted to give DD1 lots of 1-1 time and attention first.
So we said we would wait til she was 3 before we started trying, and i definitely wouldn't have felt ready to 'take the plunge' again before that anyway.
Covid and a miscarriage held us up abit further, so DD1 was 4.5 when DD2 arrived Oct 2021.
Timing wasn't brilliant in that she had two major life events close together as had just started school, but age gap wise it worked really well, and the fact that I was home to do all her first year school runs so she didn't have long days with out of school club, and also I could be at home with baby 9-3 every day on weekdays so she got my full attention then.
Also, personally I wanted to span out the baby days as I didn't want them over and done with too quickly! (As i knew we would probably only have 2)

I wouldn't worry about panicking you won't ever want to be pregnant again....your DD1 is still very young, you'll know when you feel ready to go back down the path again.

In terms of not getting pregnant when you don't want to, can you not just double up contraception for extra reassurance?

I think that is part of it as well tbh. I have worked in nurseries as well and as much as I love the toddler stage I can’t imagine having 2 of them at once as I’d need about a million eyes 😂
I’m sorry about the miscarriage, that must have been really hard for you all 😢
I’ll most likely only have one more as well as we wouldn’t be able to afford more plus I don’t think dp could be convinced into more than 2 even if we could afford it 🤷‍♀️😅 I really don’t understand why people wish the baby and toddler stages away! It’s such a magical time 🥰
Pregnancy wasn’t an enjoyable experience for me at all (sickness, pain and anxiety) but it’s all worth it in the end when you get to meet your baby ❤️
I’m still breastfeeding so I don’t want to take anything in case it messes with my supply so it’s just condoms for now 🤔

OP posts:
SophieinParis · 30/04/2023 19:39

I think your planned age gap is way way too big.

Children don’t need “all of you” for five years. They really don’t. IMO a sibling to play with, imagine with and share with is much more valuable than being an only
for that long.

I have an 18month gap, a 3 year gap, a four year gap and a 6 year gap. The 6 year gap is very different. They aren’t playmates, they obviously have nothing in common. It’s much more a case of the older one taking care of the little one, almost like the little one is their pet. The bond between my others is much more playful/best friendy etc.

You can still do all the toddler groups and nice baby activities with your children if you have two (or 3!) very small ones. You just take them all along! In fact, I did way more when I had multiple pre schoolers with me..! Simply because all I was doing was childcare for very small children. Cleaning/tidying/schoolruns/homework/school reading/play dates etc etc etc were not a feature of my life at that stage.

wombridgewalkabout · 30/04/2023 19:41

Daffodil92 · 28/04/2023 11:43

I don’t really understand the question.
TBH, if you’re wanting to “give him” a sibling, that’s quite a big age gap. They’ll have nothing in common. I’d be more worried about him resenting a new baby at that age.
there’s a 2.5 year gap between my two and it was lovely-they went to groups and classes together, played together and really enjoyed each others company.

This. There are three years between mine and it largely works well, partly because my eldest is quite ‘ young’ for his age compared to his peers, but I can see how a two year gap would work even better, particularly as they get older.

I heard a middle aged guy still talking with real pain about his siblings arrival when he was five and how he overnight was no longer the centre of attention!

Original poster
WhatAreTheseOddFeelings · 30/04/2023 19:42

BeardieWeirdie · 28/04/2023 12:49

I have a 5 year gap and it’s lovely, they play together at 8 and 3 and look out for one another with no jealousy when the youngest was born. I had hoped for a smaller gap but we’re not very fertile and each time it took 4 years to get pregnant. All my hopes of waving #1 off to school then going to baby groups and cafes fell by the wayside when #2 was born in March 2020!

That’s really reassuring thank you 😊 It’s shame that you didn’t get to do the things you planned though!!

OP posts:
Newmum777777 · 30/04/2023 19:44

This seems a very strange worry. There are lots of pros and cons to any age gap. Just go with the flow and stop worrying so much

notangelinajolie · 30/04/2023 19:44

All you are thinking about is your relationship between you and children. What about your children’s relationship’s with each other? 5 years is a big gap and could potentially mean they have very little in common with each other especially when the eldest hits teen years.

Original poster
WhatAreTheseOddFeelings · 30/04/2023 19:51

Hardbackwriter · 28/04/2023 13:38

Sorry this was in the actual first line of the OP 😳

The second half of my comment still stands - I think (through watching DH) that it can be so hard to imagine a sibling dynamic if you didn't have one yourself, but it is much more natural than you expect once it happens.

Show quote history

I think that is part of it and knowing people that didn’t get on with their siblings as kids but are fine now 🤔

OP posts:
tolerable · 30/04/2023 19:52

dunno will be of any help at all. ds 1 i was 22/on pill/unplanned. ........
ds2..different world/life/man/(on pill/unplanned) i was 37....now near 13.