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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel like this about having another child?

216 replies

WhatAreTheseOddFeelings · 28/04/2023 11:34

I know that I want another child. I’m an only child and I’ve always wanted more than one. I have a nearly 2 year old and I absolutely love being a mum.

The current plan is to try for another baby when he’s in school so he would probably be 5 or 6. The idea with this is that I will get to spend all of his first 5 years with him, giving him all of me and being able to do all of the activities and toddler/pre-school classes without having to factor in another child. Then when he’s at school and we have another one I can do the same with them during school hours.

The odd thoughts/feelings I am having right now are:
Panicking about getting pregnant now - Around the time my period is due (and more so if it is late) I start panicking that I am pregnant. I don’t believe in abortion so that would never be an option for me so I know that if I were to end up being pregnant sooner than planned I would be having that baby. Now I don’t doubt that I would love and enjoy my second child no matter when they come along but the thought of being pregnant again sooner than planned makes me feel sad. I don’t want either child to miss out on opportunities to do all the fun baby and little kid things with me. I want my child to be our only focus until he starts school so that I can fully enjoy being his mummy and doing all of the fun things we do now. I don’t want him to have to share our attention right now.

But then the other thought I’m having is what if this thought/feeling doesn’t change when he starts school? I know I will miss him whilst he is there and I don’t want the new baby to be seen as a replacement. But then how long is too long to wait? What if I don’t think he is ready to share the attention until year 1 or year 2? He would then be 7, 8 or 9 by the time the next baby comes.

I feel less worried about the next baby in the sense that all they will know is having a big brother so they won’t have that feeling of being replaced/ignored/left out ect. in the same way as a child who has been an only child previously.

The thing is that I know I want another child. I’m pretty positive that that won’t change. So what are these feelings about and what do I do??

OP posts:
PEARLJAM123 · 30/04/2023 08:43

If you have a second child soon your son will be likely to never remember the difference. I was an only child and seeing my children play together was amazing. The first two are 19 months apart and my eldest can't remember anything without her brother. They get so much from each other. The longer your son is an only child, the harder he will find it to adapt and share.

MILLYmo0se · 30/04/2023 08:50

Do you suffer from anxiety OP? And mean that in a kindly, judgemental way.
There such a lot of overthinking to the level of actual fear in your post that led me to wonder. You need to let go of these plans, you have no real control over any of it, birth control at the moment gives you some but beyond that......
You dont know how long it will take to or even if you ll conceive again, and there is absolutely no way for you or anyone to know how child 1 will react to child 2.

MILLYmo0se · 30/04/2023 08:50

'Kindly, NOT judgemental way!!!' sorry OP

CheersForThatEh · 30/04/2023 08:53

I think the feeling just show that you arents ready now.

It's hard to balance giving both children an "only child experience" of having mum and dad to themselves and have a close sibling bond.

Belfastchild1 · 30/04/2023 08:56

“They’ll have nothing in common”
says who? Mine are now 25,20 & 15. Always had plenty in common. Still head out to Mcdonalds etc spending time together. The 5 year gap suits plenty of families

PinkButtercups · 30/04/2023 08:59

I personally think that's quite a big age gap like PP has mentioned.

I have a 3 year old and 4 month old twins.

I love their age gap. My eldest DS doesn't feel left out or pushed out and they equally all get my time. Do I have to spread my time? Yes. But I'd rather spread my time then have a 5/6 year age gap.

lacucarachaaa · 30/04/2023 09:04

You shouldn't worry about sharing your time like that. Mine are really close in age and whilst they don't get much 1-1 they do get lots of time of the 3 of us together. It just adds another dimension and more fun tbh

matchalattewithsoy · 30/04/2023 09:12

This is one of those threads where the OP never returns, either because they realise they sound a bit like a loon or because they are a Daily Mail reporter. It's a coin toss really, these days.

Nuevabegin · 30/04/2023 09:15

I don’t really understand the constant comments re having all that time to focus on your first dc without having to deal with a second child . Tbh I think children benefit more from playing and being around siblings close in age than parents playing with them as children are on their level .
Of course attachment to the parent is so important but honestly this hyper focus on all the time together without the “distraction “ of another child is a bit odd and all sounds too intense tbh. I have three dcs relatively close , they are older now and they have a fantastic relationship with each other . The first two years are essential for attachment so pouring all that time in then but honestly they benefit so much from each other .

Nuevabegin · 30/04/2023 09:16

@Belfastchild1 it’s probably more meant when they are younger , there’s a big difference between a two year old and 6/7 year old…

squidwid · 30/04/2023 09:16

Go for it.

Belfastchild1 · 30/04/2023 09:19

As I said mine have always been close, from they were 6&1 up to now.

Mumsday · 30/04/2023 09:23

What about changing the way you’re looking at it?

If you wait until your first child starts school before you try again, you’re assuming that he will benefit from all that mummy time with you one on one.

But what about how much he’d benefit from the fun and companionship of having a sibling for those years? Toddler groups with mummy are really not that fun - having a constant play mate who makes you giggle and you can cuddle up with definitely is.

I also think what you’re planning is a tricky age gap. Your first DC will have just gone through a big transition (starting school) and then he will have a new sibling after being on his own for 5-6 years. Tricky times.

I got pregnant with my DC2 when my first was 2, so there’s a 2.9 year age gap. Seeing the relationship they built together before my first started school and how they played together was one of the great joys of my life. They slept in the same bed and absolutely adored each other.

Mumof1hopingfor2nd · 30/04/2023 09:26

I was a little bit like you OP
I was a young mum 20 when I fell pregnant and I ended up single my sole focus became my DC I was determined he would be my world...I worked but in my head it was only to provide him with a better quality of living not for myself!
I never went out with friends hen do's engagements girls holidays despite the fact I was so lucky and had a lot of offers of childcare I only used them for work cover I didn't need anyone I had my DC

He was a handful by anyone's standards and we didn't know it at the time but he has Autism ADHD Tourettes and Epilepsy by the time he was 3 I couldn't go anywhere or do anything because he was used to me being there for him and only him! My mental health declined and I went to therapy! My therapist said something which has stuck with me since
' you have made it the responsibility of a 3 year old to make you happy, content and fulfilled how is that fair to them?'
I was like no I haven't she Repeated back to me what I'd said
He's my whole world's my sole focus if he is happy I am happy he's the reason I get up each day and I heard it from a different perspective and it hurt! I realised I had potentially unintentionally damaged him! As when things were hard I sort of blamed him I was like I've given you everything I had and still you can't behave or be like the other kids etc!
Now I'm not saying this is you but I'm sharing because this is extreme we think we are doing right by them making them the sole focus but it's almost too much.
From then I changed things it was hard but I did it and then obviously we had a lot of diagnosis when they started school and it helped massively but I coped because I'd started to reclaim my life!
I then met my new partner when DC was 7 when DC was 9 we decided to try for a baby thought it would be easy I wasn't trying when I fell with DC so it would be easy right...WRONG
We tried for a year nothing so we had tests all normal no reason secondary infertility is a thing I didn't know about
My DC is now coming up too 12 and I am finally pregnant I have had 2 miscarriages and still in the early stages with this one but hopeful!
You can't always plan life even with the best intentions obviously we all have choices where we can choose to try and prevent situations but I feel ATM from your post that your worrys are interfering with your life and taking enjoyment from your DC worrying about the next one coming earlier than planned
Maybe just relax but please please stop making him centre of your world have time to be you, to be a friend, to be a wife/partner
It's better in the long run and he won't hate you mecand my DC have an amazing relationship now and they are beyond excited for their sibling despite a 12 year age gap

CakeBeautifulCake · 30/04/2023 09:31

I found out I was pregnant on my first childs 1st birthday. I've basically brought them up like twins as they're so close in age. None ever got more/less attention, everything has been equal. I think you're maybe over thinking it, everything just naturally falls into place when the second one comes along. Yes, as teenagers now, they're either best friends or worst enemies sometimes but that's normal, the good definitely outweighs the bad. I found it easier to get through two toddler stages at once, there's no chance I would want to pass that then go through it all again! Being together is all they've ever known, if you are pregnant now, being together is all yours will know too, don't worry about it 🤗

LuckySantangelo35 · 30/04/2023 09:39

Why have another baby op? Sound like even just the idea is causing you a lot of stress! Why not just chill out and be happy as you are? 😊

SaveMeFromForearms · 30/04/2023 09:39

Mumof1hopingfor2nd · 30/04/2023 09:26

I was a little bit like you OP
I was a young mum 20 when I fell pregnant and I ended up single my sole focus became my DC I was determined he would be my world...I worked but in my head it was only to provide him with a better quality of living not for myself!
I never went out with friends hen do's engagements girls holidays despite the fact I was so lucky and had a lot of offers of childcare I only used them for work cover I didn't need anyone I had my DC

He was a handful by anyone's standards and we didn't know it at the time but he has Autism ADHD Tourettes and Epilepsy by the time he was 3 I couldn't go anywhere or do anything because he was used to me being there for him and only him! My mental health declined and I went to therapy! My therapist said something which has stuck with me since
' you have made it the responsibility of a 3 year old to make you happy, content and fulfilled how is that fair to them?'
I was like no I haven't she Repeated back to me what I'd said
He's my whole world's my sole focus if he is happy I am happy he's the reason I get up each day and I heard it from a different perspective and it hurt! I realised I had potentially unintentionally damaged him! As when things were hard I sort of blamed him I was like I've given you everything I had and still you can't behave or be like the other kids etc!
Now I'm not saying this is you but I'm sharing because this is extreme we think we are doing right by them making them the sole focus but it's almost too much.
From then I changed things it was hard but I did it and then obviously we had a lot of diagnosis when they started school and it helped massively but I coped because I'd started to reclaim my life!
I then met my new partner when DC was 7 when DC was 9 we decided to try for a baby thought it would be easy I wasn't trying when I fell with DC so it would be easy right...WRONG
We tried for a year nothing so we had tests all normal no reason secondary infertility is a thing I didn't know about
My DC is now coming up too 12 and I am finally pregnant I have had 2 miscarriages and still in the early stages with this one but hopeful!
You can't always plan life even with the best intentions obviously we all have choices where we can choose to try and prevent situations but I feel ATM from your post that your worrys are interfering with your life and taking enjoyment from your DC worrying about the next one coming earlier than planned
Maybe just relax but please please stop making him centre of your world have time to be you, to be a friend, to be a wife/partner
It's better in the long run and he won't hate you mecand my DC have an amazing relationship now and they are beyond excited for their sibling despite a 12 year age gap

This is a really smart post, thanks for sharing your story. You sound like a great mum.

Sunshine275 · 30/04/2023 10:24

Theres nearly 3 years between my two it was ideal for me, by the time I had baby I got free funding for the 3 year old so so she had her own time to develop in a nursery setting while I got time with the baby. We had the first 3 years of toddler groups etc. She’s nearly 7 now and doesn’t remember any of it, all I know is for me it works and my kids are close enough in age to now play the same things together but also I got individual time with both they needed.

Elaina87 · 30/04/2023 10:52

I had similar thoughts around an age gap, and just felt I'd cope better when my eldest was at school. She's 4, 5 in July and I'm about to have my second any day now. I got pregnant just before she started full time school. You're definitely letting your mind run away with you. A smaller age gap would be nice as theyd probably be closer, so either way there are pros and cons. Its hard to have feelings for a future child and at the moment all you can think is how it will affect your son, I've been the same. But both children will be loved and it will all work out whatever the age gap.

DangerousAlchemy · 30/04/2023 11:09

You're definitely overthinking this OP! We have almost 4 year age gap as I had a miscarriage in between. You can't always map out a perfect future. My friend had a 7 year gap and whilst the older one was great with a newborn baby they are now 15 & 7 & it really isn't working well atm as they have absolutely nothing in common, don't play together at all & don't want to do the same activities/days out. Once her eldest is 18 & off to Uni or college she'll have an 11 year old still at home, effectively an only child for another 7 years before they are off to Uni etc. If you definitely want another child I wouldn't wait 6 years before trying to conceive - it could take you years to get pregnant & you could end up with a 10 year gap or something.

Dracuuule · 30/04/2023 13:53

I agree with the overthinking. Any age gap is going to have good points and bad points.
I had a two year age gap and I feel it's made life so much easier for me.
My dc played together all the time, shared a bedroom and it was easy taking them to the cinema, museums, soft play, playgrounds and so on. I could even chuck them both into the garden together to play together.
The first couple of years were tough but worth it later.

THEDEACON · 30/04/2023 13:58

I was an only child for 6 yeary sibling and I aren't close and I resented the baby sister trailing after me through teens I'd never recommend that age gap

CongratsOnTheCats · 30/04/2023 15:06

LuckySantangelo35 · 30/04/2023 09:39

Why have another baby op? Sound like even just the idea is causing you a lot of stress! Why not just chill out and be happy as you are? 😊

She says she wants another child.

Chocolateisnice · 30/04/2023 15:07

Stop overthinking!!! Just live in the moment and take each day as it comes.

Beccy1990 · 30/04/2023 18:10

If your not worried about your fertility and that it might take a while for you to fall pregnant I’d start trying for a new baby once your little one starts reception. Then even if you fall pregnant straight away it’s still 9 months until the baby comes.
This means your older child will of been in school 9 months already so won’t feel like they’ve been sent to school and been replaced with the new baby. Plus that gives you a minimum of 9 months to get your oldest one settled in case there is any teething problems in school.