To feel like this about having another child?

[WhatAreTheseOddFeelings]

I know that I want another child. I’m an only child and I’ve always wanted more than one. I have a nearly 2 year old and I absolutely love being a mum.

The current plan is to try for another baby when he’s in school so he would probably be 5 or 6. The idea with this is that I will get to spend all of his first 5 years with him, giving him all of me and being able to do all of the activities and toddler/pre-school classes without having to factor in another child. Then when he’s at school and we have another one I can do the same with them during school hours.

The odd thoughts/feelings I am having right now are:
Panicking about getting pregnant now - Around the time my period is due (and more so if it is late) I start panicking that I am pregnant. I don’t believe in abortion so that would never be an option for me so I know that if I were to end up being pregnant sooner than planned I would be having that baby. Now I don’t doubt that I would love and enjoy my second child no matter when they come along but the thought of being pregnant again sooner than planned makes me feel sad. I don’t want either child to miss out on opportunities to do all the fun baby and little kid things with me. I want my child to be our only focus until he starts school so that I can fully enjoy being his mummy and doing all of the fun things we do now. I don’t want him to have to share our attention right now.

But then the other thought I’m having is what if this thought/feeling doesn’t change when he starts school? I know I will miss him whilst he is there and I don’t want the new baby to be seen as a replacement. But then how long is too long to wait? What if I don’t think he is ready to share the attention until year 1 or year 2? He would then be 7, 8 or 9 by the time the next baby comes.

I feel less worried about the next baby in the sense that all they will know is having a big brother so they won’t have that feeling of being replaced/ignored/left out ect. in the same way as a child who has been an only child previously.

The thing is that I know I want another child. I’m pretty positive that that won’t change. So what are these feelings about and what do I do??

I do understand how you feel OP. I am only child and we didn’t start TTC till my son started school so he was 5. I still wasn’t emotionally ready but thought it’s now or never…but the way luck was it took us 4 years TTC and we needed IVF. It’s ironic because I became desperate for a second child and not just for my son’s benefit but for mine also; but now it’s happened I wouldn’t change a thing. I’m happy with the gap and glad it took this long because I a) truly wanted my second b) going through infertility changed me as a person and I’m more empathetic, private and calmer for it. I understand what patience is now. And accept that life doesn’t always go to plan a lot more.

So I would expect the unexpected, you never know how things will turn out. And don’t plan too much, as anything could happen

Some people have big age gaps due to difficulties getting pregnant etc. I hope the four and a half year gaps won't stop mine from being close.

It is sometimes very boring playing with them. I can't help how I feel. 🤷‍♀️

I have a 2 year gap and the relationship between them is brilliant. They have a lovely time together and are really good friends. A 5 or 6 year gap wouldn't have given either of them that experience I don't think.

The point is the longer you leave it the more your child is likely to be jealous when newborn comes along and then the age gap growing up will be either too young for first born to enjoy and he'll get bored or too young old for younger to join in leading to tantrums ect. Like of days out different rules for different age groups. I think having more together is better so they can enjoy things together.

After I had my first, I knew I wanted another but felt like I wanted to wait a few years, at least 3 for cost reasons alone.

Husband and I agreed to discuss the possibility of another child when 1st was 2.5 years old which would be Jan 2020. In March 2019 we had an 'accident' (split condom) and I was so so worried I'd get pregnant, but didn't want to take the morning after pill so just waited to see if Aunt Flo turned up. By the time I came on, I was actually disappointed I wasn't pregnant. And this 'accident' led to me and husband discussing child no.2 a lot sooner than expected and to me being pregnant by beginning of 2020 when we were 'due' to discuss the possibility of another child.

Long story short - try not to stress about accidentally getting pregnant before you are planning for, because you will likely find that you will make it work and will wonder why you were waiting so long beforehand. Equally, if there is no 'accident', whenever you decide to have another will likely work well for you.

My sister is 5.5 years older than me (not planned, parents had trouble conceiving both times) and it was rare in our childhood that we got on - she enjoyed me as a baby apparently but when I was 5 she was 10 and just at completely different stages.

Same when I was 10 and she 15 - she definitely didn't want to hang out with her little sister at that age! We have a good relationship now we're both adults, and our relationship wasn't bad as children save the usual bickering but we were never close. I'd prefer siblings closer in age for my children. Just my thoughts!

You seem more concerned about yourself and your experience of motherhood than you do about your children.

Both your children would be more likely to benefit from a smaller age gap, though of course its also massively dependant on personality and nothing is guaranteed.

It's actually really healthy for a small child to learn that they are not the centre of the world and that although they are always loved, they aren't always centre of attention and that's fine too.

Of course it's completely up to you what age gap you aim for. I question your reasoning though, honestly.

Be wary of overthinking. There is no one right way to do this.

Anyway, DD2 was born when DD1 was 5. DD1 started school less than a month later. It has been a great age gap for our family - they adore each other, and there is v little jealousy.

Doesn't matter, there are pros to doing it both ways. A 2 year age gap would have stressed me out too much. Ours will be 4.5 year gap and it will be a different relationship but doesn't mean to say they are losing out.

Doesn't matter, there are pros to doing it both ways. A 2 year age gap would have stressed me out too much. Ours will be 4.5 year gap and it will be a different relationship but doesn't mean to say they are losing out.

Why? There is research to show that am ideal age gap is actually 4-5 years so that the oldest child has that adult focus and attention during those important years. Then the second child also gets that because the older child is more independent by that stage. So her reasoning makes a lot of sense. Children can be socialised in other ways, not just with a sibling.

I totally disagree with all the posters who say you are overthinking things. Bringing a child into the world is a massive responsibility and worth spending a bit of time on. There's nothing wrong with thinking about what age gap would suit you and your DC best.

Op, mine are 5 years old and I fi wish they were closer in age as I worry how close they will be with always being at different stages.

From an ease of parenting point of view a larger age gap does make it easier I think

Hey OP, don’t worry about all the posters dismissing your feelings and saying you’re overthinking it all. I am an only child too, so I understand a lot of your fears and I get it.

I just had my second baby (DD) 6 months ago, and my DS was 4y8m. I loved him being my sole focus through toddlerhood and we questioned our ability to handle two kids, so we were on the fence about a second for ages. But it became ‘now or never’ due to my age, so we tried when he was four and got pregnant - and so it was decided!

I can tell you that:
*the first few days I missed my DS intensely and almost grieved our bond being changed
*the first few weeks we thought ‘what the hell have we done’ as it was such a massive adjustment and so hard. DP did nearly everything with DS in the first two months so I did have reason to miss him!
BUT
*now that we are through those early months, it feels completely normal and natural having two. This week there has been much giggling from both of them while DS entertains DD and it was so beautiful to witness!
*DS has been really good about having a baby sister and we made sure he felt secure and loved so he never had reason to feel displaced - actually I think at 5 their world is starting to expand to an extent that they don’t get jealous in the way a 2 or 3 year old can.
*I am getting that one on one time with DD while DS is at school which is lovely and I am able to be more relaxed as juggling the needs of two kids is intense, I won’t lie!
*ultimately I wanted to have two kids to give him more family as we don’t have a lot of close extended family with little cousins for him - and also I figured that it would be healthy for him to not have our laser focus on him constantly through his life being the only child. I knew that if it worked out that he was our only, that we would be careful not to helicopter over him all the time - but what I mean to say is I don’t think having a sibling is detrimental - I believe it adds to your family, not takes away.

Wishing you well and I hope this can put some of your fears to rest. If you ultimately really want a second child, then trust that it is the right thing and don’t look back :)

It’s fine to have a preferred age gap (although bear in mind you might not get pregnant right away so your desired age gap of 5 years could easily turn to 7) and you can always be diligent with protection until you’re ready to actually start trying. I personally also waited a certain amount of years because my pregnancy was tough and I needed DD settled at nursery full time before getting pregnant again.

What you’re massively overthinking is the reasoning of that child having “all of you”. The point of having a sibling is that they’re no longer the sole focus. And they’re really ok with not having your all attention at all times, they might also benefit from relationships with other people like childminder or nursery before even getting to a school age.

My DD started nursery part time aged 2, she has loved her time there and I loved getting back to work. She does full time nursery now and we still do activities together in the afternoon and at weekends. Once the baby is born, sometimes the baby will tag along to DD’s activities, sometimes like when school is off we will have a little outing together, I saw older kids in the waiting area of our baby group reading/coloring/watching cartoons while their baby siblings were doing a class. That’s just how it goes, you make it work. They really don’t need 5 years of your undivided attention each.

Your are massively overthinking this.

Just a word of warning with big age gaps- I remarried and had a baby. My son was ten when the baby was born. He never bonded with the baby and he really resented her as he had been the only child. It culminated with him demanding to live with his dad where he was still the only child. It got very messy and his dad and I nearly ended up in a custody battle until I backed down, convinced that my son would change his mind. He didn’t.

I had another baby last June and my son, now fourteen, only agreed to meet her for the first time last month. His dad’s wife is now pregnant and my son is absolutely fuming about it, he’s told my ex husband and I that us remarrying (we’ve always been on good terms apart from when we nearly went to court over where our son would live) and having more children is abusive and neglectful- basically all of our love and attention should be on him and him alone. My son is autistic, so he feels things very deeply and fixates, and if he doesn’t like something then he can get very mean (he was horrible to my baby daughter- now aged four), so my case is probably extreme- but it does make me wish I’d had a baby sooner- before my son was old enough to really notice! (We did try, we lost a baby boy which spelled the end of our marriage)

I have loved being a mum to my daughter, only daughter for the first 6 years of her life. We got to do so much as a family of 3. We got pregnant (with twins) when she was 5. I always knew I wanted more than 1 child. And I am so glad I waited until she was the age she was. She went through a bit of an anxious unknown when I was pregnant, and I seriously started to wonder what I have do her and if I had ruined our little family. 5 months later the twins are here and it is the absolute best age gap. Shelves them so much and understands when they need me and then I make sure we do nice things together whilst they sleep, or sort childcare for the 2 and we go out just the 2 of us. And whilst she’s at school, swimming, going to clubs, friends, doing everything she always has done I have quality time with the twins. (Until I go back to work and this will be a whole new juggling act 😂).

I was in your situation, I just got some really good birth control (implant) and started trying when she got into reception at school.

I have less than 2 years between my two and there have been so many positives. They have always been really close, even more so now that they're both teens.

Firstly, I enjoyed playing with my first and when the second came along it was even nicer. We just did things as a three until dh got home/ weekends when we did things as a four.

Secondly even quite young my two wanted to do stuff with other children. We did baby and toddler groups, made friends and did play dates so it turned out that it wasn't always me they wanted to play with anyway.

It's good for them to share your love and attention. It doesn't mean they only get half each and lose out.

I had twins and they have me and also each other. I did every toddler class. It's difficult to have 2 or more kids at any age (you and your first born's age).

If you have two close, you are done faster with the baby phase, nappies etc.

Twins were financially difficult but I'm smug now they are in school and my friends' babies are still in nappies.

I found pre school and babyhood hard for various reasons. Lack of government support for childcare, it's all down to you and babies and pre schoolers have a lot of needs.

I love my life now they are in school, we have the best weekends and holidays.

good luck.

My dd have a two year gap and are very close/always played together. I had a six year gap and my sisters never played with me/made my life a misery. I felt like an only child .

I wouldn’t wait for 5-6 years! Me & my sister are 6 years apart and even though we never had problems when we were kids and now we are very close as adults, I wish we had less of a gap. We had pretty much nothing in common till I finish uni. When we were kids she stopped playing when I started playing, when I was in high school she was off to uni and when I was partying in uni she was getting closer to 30 so she stopped. I have two kids of my own now 2.3 months apart. At first it was a shock for me cause I was obsessed with my older son so I felt I missing out but eventually it balances out. He was jealous for a month or so in the beginning but he is fine. And to be frank he ll never remember a life without a sibling. The longer you wait, the harder will be for the older I feel to adjust from only child to sharing. And don’t forget you older will always have firsts as primary school kid, as a teenager etc. So it s a matter if you want more than 1.

How do you know toddler groups with mummy are not that fun? What a strange comment.

And a sibling isn’t guaranteed to be a constant playmate you can cuddle up with.

I've got a 5 year age gap, my eldest was in year 1 when I had my youngest and honestly, I wish I hadn't waited so long. 5 years of attention then suddenly having to share it was quite a shock to my eldest, although she loved having a baby sister, she did complain that she wasn't getting enough attention because up until then ,she was quite spoiled for attention from us

I have an 8 year age gap.
they DDs get on very well, activities are a occasionally a nightmare finding things for them both to do! Also starting school runs at seperate schools will be hard, for infants and seniors!
I wish I’d had them closer together so I don’t have to do toddler and pre teen tantrums at same time 😩
you’ll be surprised how your second one will make you feel, I was worried I wouldn’t like her! And I love her just as much as the first!

My gap is 3.5 years, they are now 10 and 7. It's working well now as they like going to see the same films at the cinema, gaming together, play lots together. When ds2 was born ds1 was doing 3x 5hr nursery sessions a week so that gave me time one on one with the baby. The rest of the time we would go to the park, soft play, playgroup which was all stimulating for the baby as well as the pre schooler. The baby used to watch his big brother intently and definitely benefitted from having him around. Big brother was old enough to understand when baby needed to be fed etc and was very sweet with him.
When the older one started school the younger was 18 months and it was definitely easier to do the school run than I can imagine with a newborn (why do they always poo when you're about to leave the house?!)