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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be offended that nursery want to refer us to a children’s centre??

208 replies

Worriedworrior · 25/04/2023 20:01

DD just turned 2.5 and started at nursery 6 months ago. She had trouble settling and can be shy but has made a few friends and participates in the activities she enjoys. Last week she had a tantrum leaving nursery and refused to get in her car seat. I was tired and had a migraine coming, so instead of doing what I should do (validating her feelings etc etc), I just said either she get in the seat or she can stay at nursery. I’m not proud of this and no it’s not best behaviour management but frankly it got her in the seat!

Her keyworker happened to see all this. Next day we got a call from her about the tantrum and the keyworker gave us some basic advice about behaviour management - all stuff I know and do most of the time but obviously didn’t do on this occasion. The call went on and on with her giving me more and more advice, to the point that she started criticising things like the snacks I bring to meet my daughter at nursery and the way we structure our weekend activities. It ended with her saying she thought I should be referred to a Children’s Centre for further ‘support’. AIBU to find this offensive? Should I try to be generous and see it as someone just trying to help? Tbh I do find DD’s tantrums challenging sometimes and don’t always deal with them perfectly but I thought that was just me being human and her having a case of the terrible twos?! I don’t like to feel judged.

OP posts:
Botw1 · 25/04/2023 20:05

Find a new nursery

I would not tolerate that kind if ridiculous interference

Who do they think they are?!

Freddiefox · 25/04/2023 20:06

I would ask for a meeting with the manager, go in gently, and ask if there are any others concerns are whether it all stems from this incident.

if this is genuinely the only concern they have I would question whether they had over stepped their boundaries.

thimblewomgee247 · 25/04/2023 20:07

That's ridiculous. We all have moments like that with toddles. It's just life surely.

If they witnessed it every day for a week then maybe speak to you, but surely not for a one off

Freddiefox · 25/04/2023 20:07

Tbh I doubt the children’s centre would be interested. I’d also ask for the nursery for their policy on referrals.

pjani · 25/04/2023 20:08

I wonder if we aren’t getting the full story here. Were you shouting or maybe a bit rough?

And then, if you’re being offered more support, we can all improve our parenting, why not take it? Might learn something helpful, might not too, but worth a try?

ps 2 year olds are fucking hard and you have my sympathy.

shivawn · 25/04/2023 20:08

The call went on and on with her giving me more and more advice, to the point that she started criticising things like the snacks I bring to meet my daughter at nursery and the way we structure our weekend activities.

This part really irritated me, it sounds so condescending.

SaveMeFromForearms · 25/04/2023 20:09

You really don't need to validate a toddler's feelings. Sometimes it's get in the car or consequences will happen.

Can't imagine anyone being interested in this mild an event.

Toloveandtowork · 25/04/2023 20:09

Outrageous! Either you follow the prescription for perfect parenthood, or you need support, inferring that your skills are lacking.
Amazing how people police mothers, like we're not human in our own right.

Original poster
Worriedworrior · 25/04/2023 20:09

This is my thinking… I should have asked if there was any other reason. But now if feel scared to discuss anything with them incase I accidentally slip up and say something else they pounce on!!!

OP posts:
narwhalsarereal · 25/04/2023 20:10

That's ridiculous.
I worked as a nursery nurse for years and I would never see that how you dealt with her was wrong.

I would have a chat with the manager that you feel her key worker has overstepped & if you get nowhere, I'd suggest moving nursery.

RoseBucket · 25/04/2023 20:12

Blimey I can’t see what was wrong with what you said.

takealettermsjones · 25/04/2023 20:13

Surely it depends what else they're basing it on - e.g. what snacks do you give her, and what are they on about re. the weekend? Also was she saying "you need this" or was she saying "would you like this help?"

I would agree with PPs that you should speak to a manager to discuss, not in an angry way, just in a "I am baffled about this" way.

Wenfy · 25/04/2023 20:15

They definitely have other concerns. No nursery practioner in my experience has time to waste on a call like this unless they are worried. You should get to the bottom of it.

Oh and tip for getting her into the car seat next time? Hoist her in and then tickle her - it will work every single time.

UndercoverCop · 25/04/2023 20:16

You said you struggle with her tantrums and how to deal with them, they have offered a referral for support. Why is that wrong? It's perfectly ok to get support with parenting methods etc, we do it with other stuff in life but it's seen as an insult or weakness to offer/accept development opportunities if it relates to parenting, one of the hardest things you can do and you get no training at all!
Step aside from any perceived judgement, would you like some support or even just a venting space? If so take up the referral.

ReadersD1gest · 25/04/2023 20:18

the snacks I bring to meet my daughter at nursery and the way we structure our weekend activities
What are the issues with those?

Original poster
Worriedworrior · 25/04/2023 20:19

I give her an apple, crackers, yogurt or cheese. She said it’s too much but DD always seems excited for it and is hungry.

On the weekend she said we should always do meals, snacks and activities at the same time and suggested that me and DP have ‘conflicting parenting styles’ (cause I said I’m one to talk things through when DD is upset and DP is more one to try to make her giggle.)

OP posts:
ReadersD1gest · 25/04/2023 20:21

Worriedworrior · 25/04/2023 20:19

I give her an apple, crackers, yogurt or cheese. She said it’s too much but DD always seems excited for it and is hungry.

On the weekend she said we should always do meals, snacks and activities at the same time and suggested that me and DP have ‘conflicting parenting styles’ (cause I said I’m one to talk things through when DD is upset and DP is more one to try to make her giggle.)

Do you not do regular meals, then? They obviously have an issue with something you've told them, how do they even know how your weekends play out?

TheYearOfSmallThings · 25/04/2023 20:22

I would be offended too. Unless you are turning up every day with a bag of chips and a bottle of ribena, and bringing her in exhausted on a Monday because she stays up until midnight on the weekend, they are going OTT.

MillicentTrilbyHiggins · 25/04/2023 20:23

Goodness me. She sounds bonkers.
Meals snacks and activities have never been at the same time in my house. I ended up with DC who were able to cope with whatever we were doing because they weren't stuck in a rigid routine.

ZuckerwatterMaus · 25/04/2023 20:23

I would be changing nursery . How on earth do they know about your weekend routine ?

Ringmaster27 · 25/04/2023 20:24

Yeah I’d see that as over stepping from the key worker particularly if the nursery have no general concerns about your child’s well-being.
I’ve said similar to my 3yo. I have a small pick up window on days she’s at nursery. She goes to her nursery, and the other DCs go to after school club at a different provider. So I have to pick youngest DC up as quickly as possible and get to the older DCs before incurring a late pick up fee. She threw a wobbly about not wanting to put her coat on (it’s was raining) - so I said “if you won’t put your coat on, you’ll have to stay at nursery” 🤷🏻‍♀️ Nothing was said by the member of staff, other than her also encouraging DD to put her coat on! Toddlers have tantrums, parents are human beings who sometimes don’t have oodles of patience!

boating32 · 25/04/2023 20:24

Massively overstepping. I never did weekends 'in routine'. Not an issue. But frankly none of her business anyway. But im intrigued about how she knows your weekend routines?!

3BSHKATS · 25/04/2023 20:25

why did you listen to this nonsense, I would have stopped her right there at conflicting parenting styles and said thank you but your advice isn't welcome and hung up. WTF ? we couldn't get follow ups on toddlers coming in with cigerette burns on them 15 years ago, nobody is going to be interested in your non violent toddler taming.

You need to be more confident and in a non aggressive way assertive

Botw1 · 25/04/2023 20:26

I cant believe you e gaged with this completely unsolicited and unnecessary parenting advice.

I'd be complaining

Original poster
Worriedworrior · 25/04/2023 20:26

we do regular meals. But say, if we don’t go out we at 12noon whereas if we go to a toddler class it might be a it later, like 1pm. I think she was saying it in response to me saying DD likes her snacks! She quizzed me on every aspect of our lives and I was taken aback so probably gave too much detail but I didn’t expect her to pick everything apart and criticise.

OP posts:
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