To be offended that nursery want to refer us to a children’s centre??

[Worriedworrior]

DD just turned 2.5 and started at nursery 6 months ago. She had trouble settling and can be shy but has made a few friends and participates in the activities she enjoys. Last week she had a tantrum leaving nursery and refused to get in her car seat. I was tired and had a migraine coming, so instead of doing what I should do (validating her feelings etc etc), I just said either she get in the seat or she can stay at nursery. I’m not proud of this and no it’s not best behaviour management but frankly it got her in the seat!

Her keyworker happened to see all this. Next day we got a call from her about the tantrum and the keyworker gave us some basic advice about behaviour management - all stuff I know and do most of the time but obviously didn’t do on this occasion. The call went on and on with her giving me more and more advice, to the point that she started criticising things like the snacks I bring to meet my daughter at nursery and the way we structure our weekend activities. It ended with her saying she thought I should be referred to a Children’s Centre for further ‘support’. AIBU to find this offensive? Should I try to be generous and see it as someone just trying to help? Tbh I do find DD’s tantrums challenging sometimes and don’t always deal with them perfectly but I thought that was just me being human and her having a case of the terrible twos?! I don’t like to feel judged.

Why is it such an insult to be offered extra support for doing one of the hardest jobs in the world?
I got extra support for my son and it was well worth it. I really enjoyed getting the extra support from a professional.

Even worse, she's been on a course. When I was still teaching people who had 'been on a course' came back as zealots, until the next bandwagon rolled along.

All depends if there's more to the story. How does she even know about weekends and give snacks in the car. For what it's worth that's does sound like a huge snack

There is a saying- everyone is a perfect parent until they have children. I know nursery staff who are brilliant but becoming a parent makes you less judgemental of other parents having a moment with a tantruming toddler!

As a previous nursery practitioner - find another nursery. They are so out of line with telling you what to do on your weekends.

This sounds very reasonable. Almost too reasonable for MumsNet.

Weirdo post

I agree with the emoji!

Shot in the dark - is she young, recently qualified, and just glowing with the opportunity to share all her knowledge and new superpowers? It sounds a bit like she talked herself into it - overexcited?

i have one of these at work. She’s always bullshitting, and has obviously just read some advice to “act like a manager” as she’s started staying as late as me, when there’s no need, and putting comments on documents, when she was supposed to take comments away and actually make amendments- grr. Anyway. Yes speak to someone higher up.

I would have hung up! I had an 18 year old apprenticeship at my child's nursery tell me they were taking them off their sen support plan as they were fine and didn't need to be on it! 4 years later and we now have an autism and adhd diagnosis. Speak to the nursery manager about this and don't discuss your weekend routine with them, it's none of their business.

You said she either sat in her car seat or stayed at nursery? Those were her choices surely? You couldn't drive off with her in the car but not in the car seat so she either sat in it or stayed where she was. I do not understand what was wrong with saying that. And I would expect something to be obviously wrong with something I said to my child before their nursery saw fit to interfere and direct me to a children's centre.

How weird to suggest for the nursery to hurt a small child inflicting pain on them and think it would teach them anything other than fear.

I'm sure they'll be a joke or excuse to explain it away though 🤷🏻‍♀️

@Kennykenkencat

@ReadersD1gest

I know exactly what you mean she thinks cause she went to college or uni she is the ultimate expert child whisper 🙄 like that irritating TV Nanny everyone used to rave on about or was on TV quite a lot one time with her naughty chair

She is now Controversial figure for saying in the media

That being Autustic is just a woke or over senistive excuse for poor parenting or something along the lines

What's her name 👀?

I can picture her face...

You shouldn't have allowed her to continue on her spiel. You should have cut her off nearer the start.

Now - I would also complain to the nursery manager.

Jo frost I think @ReadersD1gest

I came here to say the same thing! My ds had some 'issues' at nursery, too exuberant, physical, once managed to lock himself in the car in full view of everyone, I totally panicked. He was the kind of kid you couldn't take to the supermarket and he freaked out in the shoe shop and kicked the young sales assistant. He's lovely now btw.
All the way through the nursery were supportive, caring, tactful and KIND, and we worked together on him.
I think that's how it should be, parenting is challenging! Please don't worry. Doesn't sound like much of a place.

You've not met my son

I would be making a formal complaint to the manager and Ofsted.

I work in early years, I have had early help training and have worked alongside families that need extra support and do so without judgement - parenting is hard, especially for some who didn't have good parenting role models themselves.

Nothing in the way you describe that incident would make me think or feel anything but a bit of empathy, we have all been there!

Certainly in my area there's a big drive on oral health and nutrition at the moment so snacks are a hot topic but I certainly wouldn't be bringing that up because of witnessing one tantrum!

I don't think she should have jumped directly to offering a referral (although referring direct to a children's centre isn't a thing we do here anyway so may be mistaken on policy there), at the most I would have asked you in the morning if you'd had a better rest of the day, just out of sympathy. It would take more observation before I'd be thinking you need any more help than any toddler parent does!

This.

Agree, but if all you give your child is highly processed and sugary snacks (which has been proved to be bad, and just basic common sense), because you're too lazy to cut up some fruit and vege, or get some cheese, yoghurt etc that coupled with other behaviour might be a red flag. Surely you can see that?

How does she even have the time? The handovers at my nursery are as quick as they can get away with.

honestly I’ve had to carry my 2.5 year old multiple times screaming and thrashing like a wild animal. The worst time was when it genuinely took me about 20 minutes of physical force to get her in her car seat. Her tantrums are so beyond any words, she just loses it, you cannot talk or distract her out of it she just has to exhaust herself. She screams and thrashes and rages so much she vomits and chokes. I had to pin her in with my knees whilst I did the straps. It’s tiredness related and absolutely no parenting technique other than waiting it out will work. If you haven’t had a child like that you wouldn’t understand.

This is really off OP. Did you actually ask for her advice? She’s way out of line!

I'm worried about your car if you bring yoghurt as a snack. Other than that I see no cause for concern!

Nursery nurses are qualified and have every right to ask about the children's family lives. As I said, in this instance she was being OTT. Of course safeguarding is everyone's responsibility, but if you work with children day in and day out, you have a special duty of care to those children. You seem to have a very low opinion of nursery practitioners.

Has this "keyworker" got children of their own?