To be offended that nursery want to refer us to a children’s centre??

[Worriedworrior]

DD just turned 2.5 and started at nursery 6 months ago. She had trouble settling and can be shy but has made a few friends and participates in the activities she enjoys. Last week she had a tantrum leaving nursery and refused to get in her car seat. I was tired and had a migraine coming, so instead of doing what I should do (validating her feelings etc etc), I just said either she get in the seat or she can stay at nursery. I’m not proud of this and no it’s not best behaviour management but frankly it got her in the seat!

Her keyworker happened to see all this. Next day we got a call from her about the tantrum and the keyworker gave us some basic advice about behaviour management - all stuff I know and do most of the time but obviously didn’t do on this occasion. The call went on and on with her giving me more and more advice, to the point that she started criticising things like the snacks I bring to meet my daughter at nursery and the way we structure our weekend activities. It ended with her saying she thought I should be referred to a Children’s Centre for further ‘support’. AIBU to find this offensive? Should I try to be generous and see it as someone just trying to help? Tbh I do find DD’s tantrums challenging sometimes and don’t always deal with them perfectly but I thought that was just me being human and her having a case of the terrible twos?! I don’t like to feel judged.

I’ve worked in nurseries, they’ve overstepped, unless there are other things going on you haven’t mentioned. I once had a child tell me mummy kicks daddy all the time and singing really inappropriate songs. I had to write up everything the child said in a statement for his file. But if it is literally just what you’ve said I would speak to the manager of the nursery because that’s ridiculous.

They noticed u rnt coping with yr child so they have a duty to safeguard the child.
Accept any help they offer, so u r more able to cope, the snacks def won’t be helping.

Do you have children?

She's doing absolutely fine.

Where are you based? What are a children’s centre going to do? We don’t have children’s centres anymore. They went out years ago (surestart). We do have family hubs now and they contain a range of practitioners. They run parenting classes, early help are based there (for people going down the send route), school nurse might be there, health visitor etc.

Dont take it as offence though. I used to take my children to the children’s centre for stay and play activities and always found them really lovely. A late friend of mine (she passed away from cancer) did get referred there but she was kind of under various sets of eyes anyway due to her own mental health and the fact that 3 of her children had been put to live with their dad’s through the court and she had specified visits etc. I met her through the children’s centre but she was a lovely lady. There were a mix of people who took their children there to baby classes upwards.

I work in a nursery and would never comment on this just give advice if asked. You certainly don’t phone up a parent, you could offer to help a parent to the car with their child but what they did was wrong and I would go to management.

She sounds like a young person who has done a course, but doesn't know enough to know how little she really knows. We all go through that phase in whatever line of work we happen to be in, and if we're lucky, somebody older and wiser points it out to us before we do too much damage. I .don't think I would have answered her questions, when they became intrusive. Just who does she think she is to 'quiz you on every aspect of your lives'? Your snacks sound fine. I used to carry around baguettes because son was capable of throwing the occasional 'hangry' tantrum. .As for your weekends - absolutely none of her business and I think I'd have told her so, as politely as I could. You really need to take a deep breath, and speak to the manager. If you don't get any redress or acknowledgment that she completely overstepped the mark - and preferably a new keyworker - I would seriously think of moving your child. After all - she will be with her every day. She could cause a real problem if she is challenging your parenting style in this way. I wouldn't have it.

I'd of been the same.
I had my then toddler at playgroup and the playgroup contacted Health visitors saying my son wasn't talking and was behind developing his speech.
Even when I said he talks non stop at home, they tried convincing me that he couldn't talk and I must be interpretating his babble as words.
Health visitor turns up at my door and my son gave her a huge smile and asked if she wanted to come in and see his toys.
She turned around and said what a waste of time. Turns out he just did not like the playgroup people!. Minute he walked in he clamped up.
Id definitely suggest moving nursery as your never going to feel comfortable there again and will always be wary.
It's not worth the stress.x

TBH I’d just shrug and say they are welcome to waste their time doing a referral but you won’t be attending a children’s centre. Unless there is something more to this story HVs really, really won’t be interested in a nice family who Have had a stressful day. They are rushed off their feet with difficult cases to keep them busy.

Your DD could possibly have ASD. Maybe that is the practitioners feeling but doesn’t want to say that

It's offensive but don't be offended, iyswim.
Be irritated that she tried to interfere, but ignore the content of what she said.

The keyworker overstepped at the point of commenting on your behaviour. What came after that point is just entitled pile-on about your care, parenting and private life. I'd make a quiet informal complaint to the manager, expect an apology and a change in keyworker.

I've read nothing that suggests your child was unsafe or neglected. If she was, the nursery would be asking you in for a documented meeting to voice their concerns or calling Child Services on an emergency basis.

No offence to op, I've no reason to believe they're not a nice family with nothing more going on. But even people who really do need intervention protest like that, don't they?
I'm sure nobody ever responds to any suggestion of help with "Fair cop, guv, I'm totally out of my depth here, bring it on" 🤷🏻‍♀️

Yeah this definitely sounds excessive and something every parent has done (myself included). I can’t imagine the nursery workers sticking their neck out for every instance of a parent not “gentle parenting” which is basically what OP has described.

This. Children's Centre funding is very targeted now.

Probably an over zealous staff member who has just gone some training and is looking for something to act on. Children’s services would not be interested as they struggle to cope with the demand for real needs / justified cases. Ask for the relevant policy from the manager and let her know what happened. Discuss how to work with the nursery to help manage the tantrums in a positive way. Make yourself aware of their policies it will help reassure you x

Im so sorry but I had a giggle at this. What on earth was that teacher thinking? It’s the sort of thing I could see my son randomly saying!!

So you think a two year old having a wee tantrum (probably because tired and hungry) and not wanting to get into a car is a sign of ASD? And an inexperienced nursery worker is qualified to 'feel' that how? This is nonsense.

I think you should make a complaint about her.

How dare you speak to me so rudely!
I am an ex teacher and my son is autistic. You don’t know any of the background like me, we can all offer up suggestions. And we can do that without being so rude!

Actually I adored our Children's Centre as ours was growing up. They had loads of free classes and it was a great way for ours to make friends. If yours is a little shy, it might be nice to meet kids in a more relaxed setting. It isn't Social Services, although they do have links with them. Go, and see, and then ignore anything you can't or won't use.

The practitioner said an awful lot - why would she stop there?

Was the staff member very young or fresh out of her apprenticeship?

I hated nursery nursing because of the staff being egotistical and twattishly behaved toward both parents and children.

It sounds like an ego trip because if there's genuine issues the manager would have called you surely?

Hi OP, I totally understand your worries. From the info you’ve given, it sounds like she is totally out of line, at best misunderstanding policy and procedure, and at worst thinking she knows better than it. I had several issues with my daughters pre-covid nursery, leading to me worrying that the staff would be unkind to my daughter as a result of me gently questioning some of their practises. However their staff would NEVER have done this, or thought it was acceptable.

I am showing my childcare class this thread later today- they are very straight talking so I will pass on any feedback!

Maybe have a chat with your health visitor. She/he can hopefully be the go-bet

If this is exactly as you’ve written it then it’s an over zealous, inexperienced employee who is out of their depth.

if there is another side to it, and the key worker would position it differently then she maybe doing the right thing.

in my experience folks who are struggling seldom state that, and instead position a justification and defensiveness to make the other person be in the wrong.

@Worriedworrior please don't move your child if she is happy there. If you are generally happy with the place, ask for a new key worker first.

I feel sad reading your posts and wish I could give you a hug and tell you you're doing great. I see a mum doing her best, who has had her confidence knocked and is now in defensive mode. What you have described sounds perfectly within the bounds of usual parenting and family life.

Assuming everything is as you've described, this worker has overstepped a professional boundary and needs pulled up on it. Set out the facts of the interaction on the phone and speak to the manager. Ask if this is usual practice. And say you don't feel you can continue to work in your child's best interests with this worker.