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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be offended that nursery want to refer us to a children’s centre??

208 replies

Worriedworrior · 25/04/2023 20:01

DD just turned 2.5 and started at nursery 6 months ago. She had trouble settling and can be shy but has made a few friends and participates in the activities she enjoys. Last week she had a tantrum leaving nursery and refused to get in her car seat. I was tired and had a migraine coming, so instead of doing what I should do (validating her feelings etc etc), I just said either she get in the seat or she can stay at nursery. I’m not proud of this and no it’s not best behaviour management but frankly it got her in the seat!

Her keyworker happened to see all this. Next day we got a call from her about the tantrum and the keyworker gave us some basic advice about behaviour management - all stuff I know and do most of the time but obviously didn’t do on this occasion. The call went on and on with her giving me more and more advice, to the point that she started criticising things like the snacks I bring to meet my daughter at nursery and the way we structure our weekend activities. It ended with her saying she thought I should be referred to a Children’s Centre for further ‘support’. AIBU to find this offensive? Should I try to be generous and see it as someone just trying to help? Tbh I do find DD’s tantrums challenging sometimes and don’t always deal with them perfectly but I thought that was just me being human and her having a case of the terrible twos?! I don’t like to feel judged.

OP posts:
MrBit · 26/04/2023 09:27

I agree you need to stop @Minime88888888 , because you are talking rubbish
@Worriedworrior , tell all that to the nursery manager, honestly you are not in the wrong
The way she went about it is unprofessional and crossed a line, that is not the way to encourage parents to get support
If there were any concerns you'd certainly know about it from the nursery manager

Nimbostratus100 · 26/04/2023 09:27

SaveMeFromForearms · 25/04/2023 20:09

You really don't need to validate a toddler's feelings. Sometimes it's get in the car or consequences will happen.

Can't imagine anyone being interested in this mild an event.

exactly, absolutely dont "validate their feelings" of a two year old having a tantrum - what sort of nonsense is that? Sounds like you dealt with the tantrum in a sensible, no nonsense way - by your account

what is wrong with the snacks you send in?

red78hot · 26/04/2023 09:28

I'd try and find a new nursery tbh, what a condescending woman! She's seen a tiny snapshot , you could understand if it was every day.
And to criticise your weekend activities?!
She needs to jog on!

Highfivemum · 26/04/2023 09:30

This sounds crazy. I have said the same to my DC on many occasions.
If you don’t get off the swing now we will not come to the park etc.
to try and reason with a tired grumpy two year old never usually works and shock horror you also have feelings and were not too well and wanting to get home. I wouldn’t be happy.

Vivalaive · 26/04/2023 09:32

I often tell my wild child 2 yo “right I’m going then you can stay” if they won’t leave park/ shop etc. I NEVER would obviously, but sometimes the “come on darling”/ patient parent routine does not work despite the tenth time of trying. I think they are being a bit over zealous if they are suggesting children’s centre over this alone. I’d arrange a meeting and express your discontent.

Minfilia · 26/04/2023 09:44

Surely it’s no different to saying “okay DD, if you don’t want to get your shoes/coat on we won’t be able to go to the park”

It would be a natural consequence of not doing what they are asked. The nursery worker was way out of line!

Sunshine275 · 26/04/2023 15:27

I’d be annoyed mainly because I would see this as a criticism to my parenting. You know your own standards and at times we all slip.

ModestMoon · 26/04/2023 16:04

To be honest I never validate feelings for things like refusing to get in the car seat. What is there to validate? We are going home. Get in, or stay here.

WhatNoRaisins · 26/04/2023 16:13

Validating feelings is one of those things that works better in theory than reality. I mean sometimes you do just have to get in the car and get going, there isn't always time for a long debate on the merits of where you are going or to explore what emotions it brings up.

Obviously talking about emotions is a good thing but there's a time and place for it.

Mammyloveswine · 26/04/2023 18:15

Erm absolutely way ott! Id be absolutely livid!!

I'm a teacher (and early years lead!!) and that was a perfectly reasonable response to a tantrum! I can't bear fussing around "validating feelings" and other such nonsense when a toddler is having a tantrum!

Id make a complaint to the nursery manager tbh! They are fine to offer support you might have requested but honestly this seems ridiculously over the top!

ReformedWaywardTeen · 26/04/2023 18:19

There's a fine line between gentle suggestion and interfering nastiness and judgement and this person has crossed it.

Ask for a new keyworker and when asked why, say she has overstepped her position.

It's not up to her to vett your weekend plans, snacks and meals. She is there to oversee your DD at nursery.

I would have been incredibly cross with that phone call and would have told her she was over stepping over position. You had a migraine, DD was having a tantrum, no one was hit or put in danger.

Remove her as keyworker, her position with you is untenable now due to her conduct.

RueRue · 26/04/2023 18:20

You can definitely do both, validate their feelings and set clear boundaries 'you don't want to get into your seat do you?' And listen but also be clear that that is what's needed. I know you don't want to but to keep you safe that's what we need to do.

Also 2.5 is not too young for full time nursery, what nonsense.

Notmorecrapola · 26/04/2023 18:26

What a judgemental nutter! Frankly, if people had heard some of my tired interactions with DD, I’d have been sent straight to social services. One day, aged about 3, she was jumping on the back seat of the car and refusing to get into her car seat. I lost patience and said “oh just stop arsing about!” With that, she stopped, looked at me coldly and said “I am not arsing about, I am fart-arsing about” That taught me to modify my language around her pretty pronto 😂

SchoolShenanigans · 26/04/2023 18:29

Is your child on the heavier side? Is it possible that she is hinting (badly) that you overfeed her? Im only wondering as the snack you referred to is obviously a healthy snack.

Either;

  1. they see bigger issues, that you don't see (this is common, especially if you were raised similarly)

  2. there are no issues, they're majorly misinterpreting and overstepping the boundaries

  3. you're not giving us the full picture.

It's impossible to know off an anonymous online forum. I'm suggesting this in the slightest, but many child abusers will swear blind that social services are wrong and exaggerating. Then, it comes out that there's a whole heap of evidence of poor parenting that the parents have either not acknowledged or have conveniently forgotten to mention.

I'm not suggesting you're an abuser, or lying, but I think it's very unusual for a nursery worker to go into that level of criticism over a tantrum where you threatened to leave your child at nursery (pretty standard conversation mid tantrum). There must be more to it.

sofamarathon · 26/04/2023 18:31

Oh lord!

Who hasnt struggled getting a 2.5 year old into the car?

I used to try all sorts. Threats, bribe, reasoning, force. Begging. Usually a pretend phonecal to santa/easter bunny/ friend cancelling playdate worked

You're only human

Inwiththenew · 26/04/2023 18:51

What you do at weekends has absolutely nothing to do with them. Yours and your husbands parenting styles are also out of bounds to them. I’d be feeling very uncomfortable with this nursery. I’d run a mile. To be making such a broad range of judgements about you based on pretty ordinary things is not right. It sounds Orwellian.

Morgysmum · 26/04/2023 18:52

Ha ha, I wonder what she would have said to my mum, who loves to tell me, that whilst I was having a melt down, in the supermarket whilst she was shopping with me and my sister. 18 months between us, my sister been older. Mum just leaves my screaming mid tantrum and walks off to do more shopping. Someone says what about your child, my mum replys, she isn't my child.
I snapped out of it eventually and she did come back for me, when I stopped the tantrum.
I think you want to swap nursery, if they are going to be like that, you didn't hurt her and got her to sit in the car, I don't see a problem.

Prescottdanni123 · 26/04/2023 18:52

A similar thing happened to my friend. Her son's keyworker witnessed one incident and later pulled her aside and tore apart her entire parenting style. She took it to the manager, who agreed with my friend that it was out of order and the keyworker was given a talking too and provided with more training.

Kennykenkencat · 26/04/2023 19:00

You do know that f/t nursery 7am-7pm starts at 3 months. Where else do you put your child if you work f/t

MrsToothyBitch · 26/04/2023 19:03

I would take it to the manager and ask for a change of key worker.

Not at all surprised if she's young & child free. Bit like the 18yo cheeky baggage who bluntly told my mum that I was "very backward for a two year old" because I wasn't very interested in holding a pencil. It was very simple- at 2 I had no concept of why I needed to do it, I just preferred to play instead and she hadn't the strategies or experience to engage me. Mum went home in tears.

Folklore9074 · 26/04/2023 19:14

Your response sounds a bit defensive and I get that it’s irritating to feel judged but I wonder if this is the full story. The women who work at our nursery are busy and wouldn’t bother with a long call and referrals just for fun.

What does not responding well to your child’s tantrum mean? Were you screaming at her? Were you really rough putting her in the car? Could they have seen something that looked worrying?

Sometimes it can be difficult to hear other people’s reactions to our behaviour but maybe there is an opportunity to grown and perhaps value in asking yourself if their advice is worth taking on board.

If this is truly out of the blue then just ignore the judgement and/or change nursery. Give it no more headspace. Toddlers can be challenging.

Crikeyalmighty · 26/04/2023 19:15

We once had an issue many years ago with a reception class teacher calling my H because in a class chat about Color my son had said that black was the Color of death- not sure where he had got that from but it wasn't because of us being occultists or anything!!

Teacher was basically inferring we might 'need some support' . It was a vary vary nice middle class primary in London commutersville !! I was really fucked off - I appreciate it's a fine line for teachers and nursery staff but I do think in many cases they overstep the mark . In your case OP - she needs to mind her own business- how you structure your weekends is your business unless you are taking her to dog fighting or something!!!

Luckyduc · 26/04/2023 19:17

Think you're over reacting. Children centres are amazing....I went to them since my baby was 2 weeks old until he was 5. He's now 8.....but they did messy play, rhyme time and they work with kids in groups to bring them on. My kid is exceeding in everything in school and doing amazing.....plus they helped me with his speech and when I needed the extra support were brilliant!.

Stressedoutsinglemom · 26/04/2023 19:18

What are they actually referring you for?
I work in a nursery and in most cases if the child is in a nursery the children centre won't want to know.
I've used the 'do it or I'm leaving you' with my own child multiple times. You don't always have time to validate a child's feeling sometimes they just like to push our buttons and need to know who is in charge or else they will will never learn what is acceptable and what isnt. (This is just my opinion i am not saying this is what everyone should do)
I would just ask for a quick meeting to discuss the reasons for the referral and ask if her 2 year check has been done and where she is within the eyes framework so you can get an idea if they have concerns about her development.

Hope you sort it out as its a shame if a child leaves a nursery after settling in and having built relationships with other children

TeapotElephant · 26/04/2023 19:24

I’d be looking elsewhere.

Also, my DC struggled to settle and the suggestion was DCs fault and my fault too. eventually I tried a new setting and they love it now, they settled really well. Sometimes our children just don’t like a place.