To be offended that nursery want to refer us to a children’s centre??

[Worriedworrior]

DD just turned 2.5 and started at nursery 6 months ago. She had trouble settling and can be shy but has made a few friends and participates in the activities she enjoys. Last week she had a tantrum leaving nursery and refused to get in her car seat. I was tired and had a migraine coming, so instead of doing what I should do (validating her feelings etc etc), I just said either she get in the seat or she can stay at nursery. I’m not proud of this and no it’s not best behaviour management but frankly it got her in the seat!

Her keyworker happened to see all this. Next day we got a call from her about the tantrum and the keyworker gave us some basic advice about behaviour management - all stuff I know and do most of the time but obviously didn’t do on this occasion. The call went on and on with her giving me more and more advice, to the point that she started criticising things like the snacks I bring to meet my daughter at nursery and the way we structure our weekend activities. It ended with her saying she thought I should be referred to a Children’s Centre for further ‘support’. AIBU to find this offensive? Should I try to be generous and see it as someone just trying to help? Tbh I do find DD’s tantrums challenging sometimes and don’t always deal with them perfectly but I thought that was just me being human and her having a case of the terrible twos?! I don’t like to feel judged.

There's a valuable lesson learnt early on. Your business is your business, no oversharing with people who aren't important in your life, nursery staff are basically you're employee's, you pay them to look after your child not run your life.

Bloody hell she’d have a field day if she came round mine… snacks galore and I’ll put your bed in the garden if you keep getting out of it 😂 I’d hit the roof if anyone tries to refer me! I’ve had to wrestle mine in the car many of times whispering get in this car or you’re getting left. Mine are very happy and loved

How odd.
There has to be something going on that’s concerning then otherwise they wouldn’t be suggesting a referral

My mum keeps telling me I should go to the children’s centre where I live, she talks about it like it’s a sort of open nursery. She had me in the 1980s so I guess they were like that then?

I got told my dd was hitting her key worker ( not in a bad way just in a playing way) and poked her in the eye today- my immediate response was poke her back she won’t do it again 😂
😵‍💫

Ex nursery manager here. Unless there is a back story then this is bonkers from one incident. Children's centres are trying to stay open and justify their need. I would not be happy with this. How you structure your weekends is nothing to do with them.

Honestly they would have my toddlers taken away by the sounds of it 😂 this lady sounds nuts. I wonder if the manager even knows she is doing this. I worked in childcare years ago and would not even contemplate this! Also what on earth is wrong with her snacks????!!! And some kids have bigger appetites anyway. I would be like yourself and my kids have no weight issues so I’m assuming that was the concern if she felt you were giving too much? I really would speak with the manager about that! Plus I will add, no parent uses perfect parenting all the time and you didn’t even handle things badly. We all are thinking after challenging behaviour could I have done things better but it dosent mean you need a referral or support 😂

Is it a big chain nursery that have had some bollocks training?

nope nope nope. They are criticising you as a parent not trying to help. I would have hung up on that lady. I doubt she even has kids because if she did she would now that the advice was not helpful.

Are you very young by any chance?

Obviously I didn’t mean to actually poke her back but it just came out as my mum always used to say it 😂 and she was hitting her as they were learning to high 5! (For context) 😆

They're not now. They're like a job centre for parenting. Ours does parenting classes, help on applying for jobs/affordable childcare, sensory room bookings, and HV weigh-ins for babies.

This sounds like an overzealous nursery worker. Is she new?

Why don't you take the support, if some of her points are valid maybe it will be useful

This.

I would be speaking to the manager about appropriate professional boundaries and asking for a copy of their referral thresholds/process.

I’d likely look to find another setting too. This would make me distrustful of them.

The nursery is probably over eager with safeguarding and early intervention. Tell them to mind their own businesses in a polite way. It’s unsettling for you though.

This key worker sounds like they're on a right power trip OP.

Don't pay any attention to them and get a new nursery for sure!

Sounds annoying. I’d move to a new nursery.

I'd consider finding a new nursery. Also, stop over sharing.

Don't worry about it. My standard response when my youngest has any kind of accident form is "yeah that sounds about right for her"

Very annoying. I wouldn’t engage with her in future other than the polite basics of handover etc. TBH I wouldn’t move DD if she is settled there. Develop better boundaries instead. Their job is to look after your child whilst you work, full stop.

Go to see the manager and explain your bafflement. The Keyworker is massively overstepping.

Nursery worker has found this thread!

If you've nothing to hide then a chat with the children's centre or a social worker won't hurt. If you're not providing healthy snacks, that is an issue on top of needing support with behaviour. There's no shame in it. You can search my thread from a couple of weeks back when I freaked out because my family was referred to children's services. I spoke with a social worker and it all worked out fine, I got the support I needed and the case was closed. The system works to protect us all. Just lean into it, you'll be fine.

Absolute,y not her place to give out advice which was unasked for. Complain to the manager.