To be offended that nursery want to refer us to a children’s centre??

[Worriedworrior]

DD just turned 2.5 and started at nursery 6 months ago. She had trouble settling and can be shy but has made a few friends and participates in the activities she enjoys. Last week she had a tantrum leaving nursery and refused to get in her car seat. I was tired and had a migraine coming, so instead of doing what I should do (validating her feelings etc etc), I just said either she get in the seat or she can stay at nursery. I’m not proud of this and no it’s not best behaviour management but frankly it got her in the seat!

Her keyworker happened to see all this. Next day we got a call from her about the tantrum and the keyworker gave us some basic advice about behaviour management - all stuff I know and do most of the time but obviously didn’t do on this occasion. The call went on and on with her giving me more and more advice, to the point that she started criticising things like the snacks I bring to meet my daughter at nursery and the way we structure our weekend activities. It ended with her saying she thought I should be referred to a Children’s Centre for further ‘support’. AIBU to find this offensive? Should I try to be generous and see it as someone just trying to help? Tbh I do find DD’s tantrums challenging sometimes and don’t always deal with them perfectly but I thought that was just me being human and her having a case of the terrible twos?! I don’t like to feel judged.

Hi OP

Childrens centre worker and toddler Mama here, the nursery worker is absolutely over stepping it although we are here to help this just sounds like very normal after nursery behaviour please don’t listen to her! She sounds patronising and interfering.

I would address it with the nursery manager and not take it personally.

@Worriedworrior

If you find this worker - or anyone else, for that matter - ever again tries giving you "helpful advice" (known to those like me as a bullying harangue) pull up your I-Am-Ms-Assertive panties even if you normally aren't comfortable with asserting yourself and say very gently and politely "thank you for wanting to give me your opinion of my lifestyle. I would be interested to listen to it if I valued it, but as I don't, please back out of my business NOW." Usually people are so surprised to have their impertinence challenged that you're out of earshot by the time they get over themselves anyway!

If the nursery had any genuine concerns re your DD you can be certain that they would have notified you officially. And it wouldn't have come from a random nursery nurse; it would come from the nursery owner or manager, and most likely be requesting a meeting with you.

Sounds to me like you're doing a great job by the way - nowt wrong with the snacks and a great lesson in actions (or inaction!) have consequences for your little princess. 😉

Yes! You need better twat boundaries.

Cut people off when they start talking shit. Don't give them more information to beat you over the head with!

And you're still on the defensive, describing what goes in the lunchbox etc. Don't do that. Go back in there with the attitude that her behaviour was wildly inappropriate and you won't tolerate it again. Make it about her, not you.

Haven't read through the thread, but agree it was invasive. I had one daughter who had a hollow leg. I made her wait a bit if she had a decent meal/snack to make sure she was truly hungry. She was also a terrible 2/3 year old, and the stories she'd tell. If they are asking your DD questions and taking her word as 100% truth, I'd be worried. Speaking with the head of the Nursery may give you a better picture, and help you decide if you want to move on.

I would be looking for another nursery. She was massively overstepping, and I would be inclined to complain.

I'd have said well it worked and ended the conversation. Nothing wrong with what you said to get your dd in the car

Nothing wrong with the snacks either. She sounds a right ballache

Even if she is up late on a Sunday and tired on the Monday - why is that a problem? It's childcare. The nursery may prefer the kids to all be well regimented, but that's not really relevant.

That is absolutely ridiculous OP. If possible change childcare. This woman is bonkers

If you generally like the nursery then I think you need to go in for a meeting. I'd say that you were left feeling very uneasy and unhappy after the conversation you had earlier and you felt that a referral to a children's centre was unexpected and you want them to explain to you the concerns they have that make them feel a referral like this would be warranted. I think a lot here probably depends on tone and how things are said, for example I can understand if your dd is struggling to settle at nursery they are maybe thinking that following a similar routine at home might help her adjust or approaching challenging behaviours in the same way as they do might help her get the message quicker because you'll all be consistent in your approach. Eg I got a copy of our nursery's timetable so I can move ds to that in advance of him starting to try to make that transition easier for him. But that's a supportive conversation of trying to problem solve togetherand collaborate, and good give those things a go for a while to set if it helps, whereas the referral to a children centre seems to take it to another level that you perhaps aren't at yet, unless there is something else in the background. Naturally they will have a safeguarding aspect to their job and it is their job to look out for the welfare of all kids in their care so I tin a clear conversation will help you work out if it's a safeguarding and family support concern, or if they've got ahead of themselves and you just need to work on things together before even considering that stage.

Talk to the manager and depending on what they say look for another nursery. Don’t take it to heart. I worked in a nursery in a baby room. The room was split into two rooms, competent walkers and the non walkers. I had a little boy who was an early walker move up to my group. I had a student doing a placement in the room and she told the child’s mother her son was severely behind developmentally and needed extra help. He was actually ahead in most areas, it took the room leader ages to convince the family to relax that he was doing really well. Just remember someone saying something doesn’t make it true.

Wow these interfering busybodies! I hate anyone that approaches a parent dealing with a toddler with anything other than a “can I help you?” attitude.

Change nursery.

Don't discuss, don't explain, don't apologize just get your money back and fuck them off.

Hello,

Can I ask, does your daughter go to nursery full time?
Your daughter is only 2.5 and very young for full time nursery.
On the face of what you've said, the nursery worker has completely over stepped the mark.

It's not very young for full time nursery, at all.

Yes it is. It's norm I know. But it's very young for full time nursery.

If you think, when you start school it's 9am -3.15pm and they are at least 4.

I have worked with some teachers like this. They were always quite young and didn’t have their own children. They were incredibly judgemental about parents. I remember one was very concerned and shocked because a parent used a mildly rude word in conversation, not around the children, as they didn’t think people who were parents should use bad language. It was a bit of a relief when they announced they were having a baby.

What an unhelpful, irrelevant comment @Minime88888888 plenty of children go to full time nursery at that age and they thrive, equally so do the ones that stay at home.

Riiiight.

What's unhelpful and irrelevant about the comment ?

It's a question for the op in regards to her daughter who struggled to settle in at nursery and has tantrums. As that's what this post is all about.

I wondered if her daughter was at nursery full time as that contributes towards tantrums.

I've got my own experience about this and I was going to share some specifics but I'll leave it thanks as I've got to go to work now. 😉

I wondered if her daughter was at nursery full time as that contributes towards tantrums.

I've got two in full time nursery and we've never had a full blown tantrum. It's dependant on children, not on childcare.

I work in a children's centre, I'm a family support worker who has a caseload of families to help, within a service that is under enormous pressure.

If your 'referral' dropped into my tray, I would think wtf and unless there was some huge backstory (we have full access to all social care history) I would be politely telling my manager I had better things to do!

Hope that helps?
Fwi the nursery worker sounds over zealous. It screams too much training and not enough experience!

The post isn’t ‘all about’ settling & tantrums. It’s about the nursery suggesting that the snacks & weekend routine mean that a Childrens’ Centre referral is necessary. The amount of time she spends at nursery has nothing to do with the OP’s post.

This.

I'd make a complaint about unwarranted interference on the part of the key worker.

2.5 isn't very young for full time nursery. What a strange comment.

As other posters have said, what upsets me is the judgment as I have to see her every day. I don’t feel happy that someone who spends so much time with my child has such a low opinion of my parenting and will be judging my every move and my child’s every behaviour for ‘proof’ of an opinion she clearly already has of me.
But equally I don’t want to move my child to a different nursery now she is settling in and has a few friends because she’s shy and doesn’t take transitions well….

It isn't very young for full time nursery. Most nurseries have baby rooms.

Mine started full time at 12 weeks.