To be offended that nursery want to refer us to a children’s centre??

[Worriedworrior]

DD just turned 2.5 and started at nursery 6 months ago. She had trouble settling and can be shy but has made a few friends and participates in the activities she enjoys. Last week she had a tantrum leaving nursery and refused to get in her car seat. I was tired and had a migraine coming, so instead of doing what I should do (validating her feelings etc etc), I just said either she get in the seat or she can stay at nursery. I’m not proud of this and no it’s not best behaviour management but frankly it got her in the seat!

Her keyworker happened to see all this. Next day we got a call from her about the tantrum and the keyworker gave us some basic advice about behaviour management - all stuff I know and do most of the time but obviously didn’t do on this occasion. The call went on and on with her giving me more and more advice, to the point that she started criticising things like the snacks I bring to meet my daughter at nursery and the way we structure our weekend activities. It ended with her saying she thought I should be referred to a Children’s Centre for further ‘support’. AIBU to find this offensive? Should I try to be generous and see it as someone just trying to help? Tbh I do find DD’s tantrums challenging sometimes and don’t always deal with them perfectly but I thought that was just me being human and her having a case of the terrible twos?! I don’t like to feel judged.

Well no, they're not. They are employed by the nursery. They have safeguarding duties towards the children in their care, and are expected to get to know their key children and their families very well.
Having said that, unless the OP is not telling us the whole story, they are being OTT in this instance.

suggested that me and DP have ‘conflicting parenting styles’ (cause I said I’m one to talk things through when DD is upset and DP is more one to try to make her giggle.)

This sounds to me like she thinks she's far more of an expert than she is and she enjoys the idea of being an expert and imparting her knowledge.

I wouldn't entirely dismiss the parenting centre out of hand, not because you need it but because we all have something to learn and they may have suggestions you haven't thought of that could be useful next time you're tired and DD's acting like, well, a 2 year old! But I would ask for a meeting with the manager and ask if the nursery have any other concerns apart from the one incident and if so, why you haven't heard anything about them up until now. Depending on how the manager is, I might bring up the over bearing way the nursery worker treated the incident and point out that her knowledge base is shaky at best (citing the food and "conflicting parenting" styles as examples).

I can see the temptation to move her as PPs have suggested. However, by itself I don't think one over bearing nursery worker is a good enough reason to unsettle your DD. If you have other concerns though, it certainly adds weight.

This nursery worker doesn’t have kids of her own does she?

She’s crazy. Find a new nursery.

Exactly. The responses on here are bizarre, she would have only said something because she thought it was needed. Shouldn't the child come first, and not the parents ego

My goodness if they follow up on every less than 100% perfect parenting moment they see or hear if they must be on the phone all the time! Bring a parent isn’t snout getting everything ‘right’ all the time- it’s about going your best as much as you can. Toddlers are hard work! I would calmly chat with nursery manager and if s/he doesn’t make any sense you might have to move. Clearly the centre they are thinking of referring you to could be excellent but I think this is overstepping behaviour is concerning x

I'll rephrase, they should be treated with the same level of friendliness but boundaries as an employee, polite but doesn't need to know all the in's and out's ... neither do the staff at school or anyone else your children comes into contact with.
Every adult has safe guarding responsibilities and should report anything untoward, does not mean every adult your child meets is well meaning, knowledgeable or has any sort of authority.

She is so far out of line it's untrue. I'd honestly just move nurseries and I'd email the manager and tell them exactly why.

It would be reasonable for her to approach you on parenting choices that are harmful for your daughter e.g. if you roughly handled her into the car, if you smacked her, if you were giving her chewing gum and Red Bull at pickup time, if you were keeping her up until midnight while you and DH partied with your mates every night etc.

The things she is challenging you over are simply things she perhaps wouldn't do as a parent, but which are still well within very normal bounds. She isn't entitled to insist that every parent at the nursery parents their child in exactly the way that she would do it. Who does she think she is?? The snacks sound find. The weekend routine - which is none of her business - sounds fine. The snapping at DD is obviously not great but we're all human and I'm sure we all have moments like that on a daily basis.

What do you mean "make any sense"? The key worker was responding to stuff that op has actually discussed with her (unless she spends the weekend stalking her) and has obviously heard something of concern?
She didn't pick it out of a clear blue sky.

DS was like a human dustbin at that age - nursery once announced he’d eaten 12 mini meatballs for lunch as one of the other children was off sick, so he’d eaten their portion too.

He also used to eat breakfast at home, second breakfast at nursery, mid-morning fruit, cooked lunch, light nursery tea, still find room for a fruit yoyo on the way home ten minutes later, and then a massive dinner at home. He is skinny, 10th centile for weight. I have no idea where he puts it.

So an apple, yoghurt, crackers and cheese sounds perfectly fine to me.

No I'm sorry that's bullshit. The nothing to fear, nothing to hide narrative is not applicable in this or many situations. Too many mistakes get made.
The family court judge screamed in my face that Judges quite simply do not write down things incorrectly ..... and then wrote down something incorrectly. Mistakes happen, you do not lean into this bollocks

Personally I wouldn’t bring the snacks to nursery unless you live really far away, seems weird to be eating cheese or yoghurt on the go? Can’t she wait until she gets home and eat the food more mindfully?

Maybe I’m just being fussy though as I think you sound completely normal!

OP says that the keyworker observed a very normal albeit less than perfect interaction with her DD which triggered a conversation during which she grilled OP on the ins and outs of their family life.

I agree with you! I would feel like my privacy was violated and that I wasn't respected as my child's parent and as the nurserys paying customer!!
I'm gonna bet the nursery worker isn't a parent, as 95% of those at my child's nursery aren't.
Tantrums are hard and sometimes we are just tired and don't wanna deal with the bs. I'm sure you did nothing to harm your child!

This nursery worker doesn’t have kids of her own does she

Beat me to it.

She is one of those unqualified experts who thinks they know everything because they watched a video or read it in a book and really like to show off their knowledge. (Or lack of it) and like to tell people how to live their lives based on their “expertise”

That's outrageous, I'd complain and look to change nursery. They should be supportive not patronising parenting police. God, 2 year olds are hard work. I've had to wrestle my son into his coat and pram many a time at pick ups, sometimes I've had to carry him home like a surfboard kicking and screaming - he has terrible tantrums. Unfortunately if you have to get to work/an appointment you don't have time to fanny around doing some snowflake gentle parenting b*llocks. I've also picked him up and given him a pouch/oat bar/biscuit because he's ravenous and hasn't eaten his lunch at creche. How you parent your child is your decision.

WTF is wrong with the snacks? It's not a crack pipe and a packet of walkers ffs

Sounds like she's massively over-stepping her authority here. Batshit crazy. Unless there's a huge backstory, which it doesn't sound like there is.

Validating my arse. I've reared three to adulthood and if they were acting up, they needed a firm response not fannying around them.

Ds used to scream the place down everytime I picked him up from nursery and clung onto the staff for dear life. He would then plank when I tried to get him into the car seat. Don't think I ever "tried to validate his feelings".

Be confident in your parenting and if it is something petty tell the nursery worker to stop being ridiculous.

Reading between the lines of this, is it possible that she believes your daughter eats too much/doesn't do enough exercise? I could be wrong but that's how I would interpret this.

I would ask the nursery manager for clarification that you are free to decline the offer of 'support'

Unless there's more you haven't said, then it sounds very odd. And where does she think social workers would have time to step and deal with this. 🤨 If there really isn't anything else I'd probably look for a better nursery.

How on earth do you know this?!
Nursery workers interact with far more children than the average parent.

I can understand how you feel, op. The nursery worker certainly crossed the line; it sounds as though she has swallowed a text book whole. How dare she confront you like that!

There's nothing wrong with the snacks you give your daughter, they are quite healthy and if she likes them, that's all good. As for routines, feeding a child at the same time each day, etc, what utter bosh.

Do speak to the head of the nursery, you must not allow this experience to intimidate you, children need a confident parent. If you're still not happy after having a word, maybe look for another nursery or wait a while if you can.

I've worked with toddler before. What you've said is nothing I'd pass comment on. How bizarre.

They were then
Now every employee has to fight to find a way to show they are valuable to support their funding
It's parenting under an official microscope now as far as I'm concerned

She sounds like Supernanny (not a compliment).

I'd be really pissed off.