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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be offended that nursery want to refer us to a children’s centre??

208 replies

Worriedworrior · 25/04/2023 20:01

DD just turned 2.5 and started at nursery 6 months ago. She had trouble settling and can be shy but has made a few friends and participates in the activities she enjoys. Last week she had a tantrum leaving nursery and refused to get in her car seat. I was tired and had a migraine coming, so instead of doing what I should do (validating her feelings etc etc), I just said either she get in the seat or she can stay at nursery. I’m not proud of this and no it’s not best behaviour management but frankly it got her in the seat!

Her keyworker happened to see all this. Next day we got a call from her about the tantrum and the keyworker gave us some basic advice about behaviour management - all stuff I know and do most of the time but obviously didn’t do on this occasion. The call went on and on with her giving me more and more advice, to the point that she started criticising things like the snacks I bring to meet my daughter at nursery and the way we structure our weekend activities. It ended with her saying she thought I should be referred to a Children’s Centre for further ‘support’. AIBU to find this offensive? Should I try to be generous and see it as someone just trying to help? Tbh I do find DD’s tantrums challenging sometimes and don’t always deal with them perfectly but I thought that was just me being human and her having a case of the terrible twos?! I don’t like to feel judged.

OP posts:
CheeseAndOnionIsMyFav · 25/04/2023 22:10

My 8yo has spent all evening at my daughter's event because I have no babysitter. He was well behaved so had a chocolate reward that he ate before bed (at 9pm, two hours after his normal bedtime due to being so late back!!). I've just stuffed some haribo and a packet of wotsits myself. I think my whole family need to go to the Family Centre for some serious re-training Grin

Snaaaaacks · 25/04/2023 22:11

Worriedworrior · 25/04/2023 20:19

I give her an apple, crackers, yogurt or cheese. She said it’s too much but DD always seems excited for it and is hungry.

On the weekend she said we should always do meals, snacks and activities at the same time and suggested that me and DP have ‘conflicting parenting styles’ (cause I said I’m one to talk things through when DD is upset and DP is more one to try to make her giggle.)

Wow she sounds like a nosey cow, your snacks sound fine and what you do at the weekends and how you organise things with your husband is nothing to do with her. She's paid to care for your child, not take over and organise your life!

Theunamedcat · 25/04/2023 22:12

Phoebo · 25/04/2023 22:02

Agree, but if all you give your child is highly processed and sugary snacks (which has been proved to be bad, and just basic common sense), because you're too lazy to cut up some fruit and vege, or get some cheese, yoghurt etc that coupled with other behaviour might be a red flag. Surely you can see that?

Show quote history

From the OP

Apples crackers yoghurt or cheese

I repeat WTF is wrong with that? Not particularly highly processed surgery snacks

AndIKnewYouMeantIt · 25/04/2023 22:13

Phoebo · 25/04/2023 22:02

Agree, but if all you give your child is highly processed and sugary snacks (which has been proved to be bad, and just basic common sense), because you're too lazy to cut up some fruit and vege, or get some cheese, yoghurt etc that coupled with other behaviour might be a red flag. Surely you can see that?

Show quote history

I feel like I'm reading a different thread to some of you.

The OP said:

"I give her an apple, crackers, yogurt or cheese."

What is wrong with these as snacks? It's an apple!

Snaaaaacks · 25/04/2023 22:14

JudgeJ · 25/04/2023 21:28

Even worse, she's been on a course. When I was still teaching people who had 'been on a course' came back as zealots, until the next bandwagon rolled along.

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I was imagining a 25 year old who didn't have kids when I read the post! Parenting is really easy when you read about it in a book 😆

SeatonCarew · 25/04/2023 22:14

Phoebo · 25/04/2023 22:02

Agree, but if all you give your child is highly processed and sugary snacks (which has been proved to be bad, and just basic common sense), because you're too lazy to cut up some fruit and vege, or get some cheese, yoghurt etc that coupled with other behaviour might be a red flag. Surely you can see that?

Show quote history

Cheese and yoghurt were explicitly mentioned as snacks the child was given.

SnackSizeRaisin · 25/04/2023 22:14

Phoebo · 25/04/2023 22:02

Agree, but if all you give your child is highly processed and sugary snacks (which has been proved to be bad, and just basic common sense), because you're too lazy to cut up some fruit and vege, or get some cheese, yoghurt etc that coupled with other behaviour might be a red flag. Surely you can see that?

Show quote history

OP said she gave the child yogurt, cheese and an apple.
To be honest even if she was giving a pack of haribo it's still nothing to do with the nursery

Kennykenkencat · 25/04/2023 22:15

ReadersD1gest · 25/04/2023 21:19

How on earth do you know this?!
Nursery workers interact with far more children than the average parent.

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Nursery workers interact with many children,but that isn’t one to one non stop interacting with no one else around to help out. That is with multiple other adults around and a cup of coffee in peace at break and lunch times and going to the loo without children around her.

They don’t go to work elsewhere then come into the nursery and start their shift.

You really can’t compare a nursery worker with no children of their own with a mother who works f/t no matter how many children they play with during the day

SnackSizeRaisin · 25/04/2023 22:18

OP if you do go to the children's centre you'll probably find out most parents are doing much worse things than what you have mentioned. The nursery had better hope you don't pick up some bad habits! You might come out of there giving saturday lunch at like 1:45 pm and sunday lunch at 11:55 or even worse giving your child a bag of crisps at pick up if you aren't careful

ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave · 25/04/2023 22:18

Either the nursery likes its employees to spend ages giving unsolicited advice to parents for no reason or they have concerns about your daughter and your parenting that go way beyond this one incident. I know which one I'd put my money on.

SnackSizeRaisin · 25/04/2023 22:19

Kennykenkencat · 25/04/2023 22:15

Nursery workers interact with many children,but that isn’t one to one non stop interacting with no one else around to help out. That is with multiple other adults around and a cup of coffee in peace at break and lunch times and going to the loo without children around her.

They don’t go to work elsewhere then come into the nursery and start their shift.

You really can’t compare a nursery worker with no children of their own with a mother who works f/t no matter how many children they play with during the day

Show quote history

To add to that, children generally behave worse for their own parents

Nanny0gg · 25/04/2023 22:22

Worriedworrior · 25/04/2023 20:19

I give her an apple, crackers, yogurt or cheese. She said it’s too much but DD always seems excited for it and is hungry.

On the weekend she said we should always do meals, snacks and activities at the same time and suggested that me and DP have ‘conflicting parenting styles’ (cause I said I’m one to talk things through when DD is upset and DP is more one to try to make her giggle.)

The Keyworker needs to keep her nose out, frankly

Original poster
Worriedworrior · 25/04/2023 22:24

@midlifecrash she is exactly that!!!

OP posts:
cansu · 25/04/2023 22:25

It sounds like a massive over reaction on their part unless you are missing lots out.

You could write a letter to the manager saying that whilst you appreciate she is trying to be helpful, it felt a little intrusive. Toddler tantrums can be tricky for most parents occasionally and that your family will work through it like everyone does.
Say that a few healthy snacks are fine after nursery for your family and you prefer to timetable your own activities at the weekend.

Starlitestarbright · 25/04/2023 22:29

Id remove her and put her in a new nursery and put a complaint in.

Original poster
Worriedworrior · 25/04/2023 22:30

@Wenfy and @ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave of course I am concerned this could be about something beyond this incident!!! But surely if it’s about something beyond that they have a duty to tell me??? Especially if it relates to behaviour DD is showing at nursery that I’m not aware of???!

OP posts:
cheekyffer · 25/04/2023 22:30

It is ridiculous, if they are that judgemental on a one-off for a child that is otherwise well cared for. Once on the way to nursery my then-2yo made a dash for some basement steps with a potential to fall several feet. I grabbed them by the arm and top of the t-shirt, tripping over and cutting my shin, also leaving a red scratch on them. I told the nursery manager what had happened and had no worries there would be a report or a referral.

Kennykenkencat · 25/04/2023 22:31

When people say you haven’t anything to worry about if you haven’t done anything wrong

Then they get the wrong end of the stick or ignore what they are being told

That is what I would worry about because once a SW has you in their sight and they have got things completely wrong there are some SW who won’t back down and make your life a misery

My friend and her children had counselling for years for trauma inflicted on them by a team of SWs who were determined to take her dc off her and even when faced with overwhelming evidence that her exh was lying to them about her they carried on.

Fortunately final judge took one look at the report they had done and pulled it and them to shreds.

The damage to her and the dc is still their years later.

Phoebo · 25/04/2023 22:34

SnackSizeRaisin · 25/04/2023 22:14

OP said she gave the child yogurt, cheese and an apple.
To be honest even if she was giving a pack of haribo it's still nothing to do with the nursery

Show quote history

Oh ok, I missed that. I just don't understand why the nursery worker would say this unless there was more to it. I worry when I see children that might need support who don't get it, and you can see why when looking at the responses from most of the posters on here. What is a poor nursery worker or teacher to do, no wonder they are leaving in droves 🤷🏼‍♀️

JMSA · 25/04/2023 22:36

They're fucking ridiculous.

Teenagehorrorbag · 25/04/2023 22:37

About that age I started having concerns about DS, and took him to the Surestart centre for a behavioural course. Ultimately it turned out he has ASD and ADHD - and we have had lots of support all through.

But I can assure you that there is no way he would have responded to me saying 'get in the car or stay at nursery'. When in a meltdown he would blank any common sense or understanding and would not have been able to make that decision (and tbh had poor language skills at 2.5 anyway). It sounds like your DD is just being a normal toddler - and yes, they can be tricky.

It can't hurt to have the chat with them - but I suspect overstepping the mark rather than any evidence of real concerns. And your weekend routine and food choices are seriously none of their business!

OctopusComplex · 25/04/2023 22:38

birdglasspen2 · 25/04/2023 22:03

I'm worried about your car if you bring yoghurt as a snack. Other than that I see no cause for concern!

Lol, agreed, yoghurt and cars don’t mix!!

I have to say, she’s actually wrong. That is not what “conflicting parenting styles” means.

Agree with everyone above, except that I would do everything I could NOT to move my child, especially given what you said about her needing time to settle in. If she’s happy, sort out the issue with the adults, but don’t make her pay for it by moving her again so soon.

Oblomov23 · 25/04/2023 22:41

Speak to manager, this would really hack me off as them overstepping their boundaries.

SoShallINever · 25/04/2023 22:46

Ahh yes, nursery workers, I remember the one who diagnosed my DS with impetigo and made us leave the building.
He was under a consultant for eczema and this was documented on his nursery record. She was having none of it though. Ahh the confidence of 18 year olds, she even argued with our GP who very kindly intervened for us.
I would leave and find a mature childminder OP.

NurseCranesRolodex · 25/04/2023 22:48

Unless the snack bag is crammed with sugary crap and she's up v late on a Sunday so tired on Monday morning at nursery then it doesn't seem like worrying behaviour. So you laid down the law, so why. You weren't cruel ffs. What do they mean about weekends, does your dc get enough downtime at weekends, just can't fathom why they'd comment unless she struggles somehow and they are trying to support. Otherwise it is none of their business.