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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say she can’t look after kids after she’s been drinking?

223 replies

Nololono · 25/04/2023 14:27

Just that really.

I get the feeling that MIL is a functioning alcoholic, drinking a minimum of a bottle of wine each evening, and has done as long as I’ve known her (20+yrs). Her behaviour doesn’t change particularly, other than becoming more annoying, but I don’t want my DC’s to think this is normal?

Shes asked to have the DC’s overnight for the bank hol - DH has no problem with it, as I guess he has had this behaviour all his life, but I am emphatically not allowing it.

It is going to be a problem as DH is only child and adores MiL and will not say anything that might upset her - how do I deal with this without causing a fight?

OP posts:
Suzannargh · 25/04/2023 14:31

If the children are old enough to do their own personal care, she’s not getting too drunk to function and she lives somewhere close enough for taxis in an emergency, I think you’re being precious.

They won’t see it as normal because you and DH don’t do it.

TeaKitten · 25/04/2023 14:31

Your DC aren’t going to think it’s normal by occasionally staying with her, they’d only think it was normal if you both did it. For me it would depend on the age of the DC because even if her behaviour doesn’t change she’s likely to be a very heavy sleeper (speaking from my experience with my own parents), so if they’re small and likely to wake in the night it’d possibly be a no. If they’re 7+ for example I wouldn’t have a problem with it.

DifferenceEngines · 25/04/2023 14:47

No bloody way! If she's drinking a whole bottle of wine, her judgement has to be affected. No way is a drunk person looking after my kids.

coffeeisthebest · 25/04/2023 14:48

It's a firm no from me as well, regardless of age of the child. No one is drinking a bottle of wine and having my kids, I don't care how upset that makes them.

msisfine · 25/04/2023 14:48

I'm in a similar situation with my own mum, though she drinks a bit more than this. I'm not willing to take any unnecessary risks, and after a full bottle of wine, I wouldn't want anyone looking after my kids. Maybe I'll feel different when they're older but right now I'm with you on this one.

slamfightbrightlight · 25/04/2023 14:50

There’s not enough info to take a view. How old are the children and are there any other adults in MIL’s home? That would influence my decision.

Doggymummar · 25/04/2023 14:52

If she had to take them to hospital, or anywhere she wouldn't be able to, so a no from me

TheDuck2018 · 25/04/2023 14:54

How do you know she drinks a bottle of wine every evening?

Hugasauras · 25/04/2023 14:57

I wouldn't want anyone in sole charge of my children after consuming a whole bottle of wine in one evening, and that includes me or DH. No one can drink a whole bottle of wine and not be impaired in some way. If she's a HF alcoholic then she might appear sober, but she won't be.

Anoisagusaris · 25/04/2023 14:57

Doggymummar · 25/04/2023 14:52

If she had to take them to hospital, or anywhere she wouldn't be able to, so a no from me

You are presuming she drives in the first place.

Mabelface · 25/04/2023 14:57

That would be a fat nope from me unless she could absolutely guarantee that she wouldn't drink whilst they're there. She can choose wine or she can choose grandchildren. Her choice.

SallyWD · 25/04/2023 15:00

Can you say "Only if you don't drink?". I realise that's an incredibly awkward thing to say!

SmallFerret · 25/04/2023 15:03

It is going to be a problem as DH is only child and adores MiL and will not say anything that might upset her - how do I deal with this without causing a fight?

You can't deal with this without causing a fight.
Until DH & you are on the same page, all that will happen is that DH will blame you for any fallout, MiL will continue to drink to her usual tolerance (or lie about it - how are you going to know?) & you will be cast as the controlling bully who is undermining MiL's relationship with her GC.

DC's are your DH's children too.
If he reckons it's fine for them to stay with his heavy drinking mother, he has a right to act on that decision.

You feel otherwise, & there is no magic wand you can wave that will get all 3 adults here what they want.
You want MiL to choose no drinking or no overnight stays.
MiL will feel her drinking is reasonable & doesn't affect her judgement.
DH wants a quiet life where mummy gets her own way & his wife complies to keep the peace.

There is no way of achieving resolution here by talking to MiL. It's DH you need to work on. Possibly your 'best' option is to decide to be unafraid of any resultant fight, & insist on no overnights for MiL (as you cannot police her drinking remotely). So that depends on what you feel most strongly about - your DC never seeing MiL drink while in sole charge of them, or keeping the peace.

CandlelightGlow · 25/04/2023 15:04

Suzannargh · 25/04/2023 14:31

If the children are old enough to do their own personal care, she’s not getting too drunk to function and she lives somewhere close enough for taxis in an emergency, I think you’re being precious.

They won’t see it as normal because you and DH don’t do it.

Lol. I don't find a mother not wanting to leave her child in soul care of someone suffering active and unaddressed alcohol dependence "precious".

I say this as someone who grew up with a functioning alcoholic as a father and have another relative who's a more extreme example.

Lots of happy memories walking to the shops every day to buy beers and pottering around by myself while dad had naps in the middle of the day due to drink, don't get me wrong it wasn't unpleasant. And it was by far not the whole of him either. But it was fucking irresponsible.

CandlelightGlow · 25/04/2023 15:05

SallyWD · 25/04/2023 15:00

Can you say "Only if you don't drink?". I realise that's an incredibly awkward thing to say!

If she's a functioning alcoholic she will drink regardless of what the OP says.

SallyWD · 25/04/2023 15:07

CandlelightGlow · 25/04/2023 15:05

If she's a functioning alcoholic she will drink regardless of what the OP says.

Show quote history

But even alcoholics can take a night off drinking (my ex used to). The problem is she might lie about it.

coconutpie · 25/04/2023 15:07

If she drinks a min of 1 bottle every evening then there's no way she won't drink for the one night she has your DC over so no, I would not trust her to not drink at all. I would not allow her to babysit.

2bazookas · 25/04/2023 15:08

If she drinks a whole bottle a night , then she will not be properly fit/capable to deal correctly with any challenge/ emergency that arises; and your DC will not have the protection of a responsible adult in charge.

If your DH doesn't recognise the effect his mothers boozing has on his kids, then you have an even bigger problem with him that with MIL.

LexMitior · 25/04/2023 15:09

No. Don't let her. You will never forgive yourself if something happened and she's a functional alcoholic. You wouldn't let a heroin addict look after your child so don't agree to this predictable risk.

Freefall212 · 25/04/2023 15:11

I don't know how you know how much she drinks but a lifelong alcoholic drinking a bottle of wine a night isn't that much. Her tolerance would have increased years ago. What evidence do you see of her drinking / being drunk?

2bazookas · 25/04/2023 15:11

SallyWD · 25/04/2023 15:00

Can you say "Only if you don't drink?". I realise that's an incredibly awkward thing to say!

NO WAY would I trust an alcoholic's solemn promise not to drink. The illness controls the person, they don't control it.

CandlelightGlow · 25/04/2023 15:12

It's also not just about safety or what if x or y happened and she needed to do something urgently.

It's literally just really uncomfortable being around someone who is inebriated. Their behaviour gets progressively more of whatever it is they do when they drink - more tired, more aggressive, more raucous, whatever. I would just not want my DC to be around it at all.

I'm actually surprised your DH sees nothing wrong with it TBH, growing up with alcoholism in the family has made me more sensitive to it, not less!

CandlelightGlow · 25/04/2023 15:13

2bazookas · 25/04/2023 15:11

NO WAY would I trust an alcoholic's solemn promise not to drink. The illness controls the person, they don't control it.

Show quote history

Yes @SallyWD sorry this is more what I meant. It's not that they're not physically able to, more that it's unlikely they would bother to abstain if they're unsupervised.

fairycakes1234 · 25/04/2023 15:13

Depends on how old she is, is she frail? Is there anyone else in the house? How old are your kids? Are they old enough to have a phone to ring you? Does she live nearby? I wouldnt rule it out completly, as others have said a bottle of wine isnt that much if she is still sober after it and drinks all the time, id be just worried she drinks more than she lets on.

Iwantmyoldnameback · 25/04/2023 15:15

Doesn't being a functioning alcoholic mean she can function normally? I can function after a bottle of wine although I would not do it if babysitting because I'd hate to not be able to drive if needed.