To say she can’t look after kids after she’s been drinking?

[Nololono]

Just that really.

I get the feeling that MIL is a functioning alcoholic, drinking a minimum of a bottle of wine each evening, and has done as long as I’ve known her (20+yrs). Her behaviour doesn’t change particularly, other than becoming more annoying, but I don’t want my DC’s to think this is normal?

Shes asked to have the DC’s overnight for the bank hol - DH has no problem with it, as I guess he has had this behaviour all his life, but I am emphatically not allowing it.

It is going to be a problem as DH is only child and adores MiL and will not say anything that might upset her - how do I deal with this without causing a fight?

A bottle a night is not a healthy or safe amount (not that I imagine your mil cares, she knows the dangers) but it absolutely doesn’t by definition mean someone’s an alcoholic. They are, I would consider, a big drinker. There is a huge difference between the 2

It may not mean they are an alcoholic, but they are abusing alcohol and will have some degree of dependence on it. Plus there is a very big chance their drinking will get worse.

https://www.drinkaware.co.uk/advice/staying-safe-while-drinking/alcohol-and-safety-while-looking-after-children#:~:text=2-,Looking%20after%20a%20baby%20or%20young%20children%20if%20you%20consume,a%20baby%20or%20young%20child.

This might be helpful.

Do your children want to stay at hers for the night? Do they have mobile phones to contact you? Do you live close by ?
I'm very torn on this I don't think a bottle of wine is a massive amount and I think you'd be surprised at how many functioning alcoholics there are in the world who are going to work everyday and looking after children including teachers, doctors and many others. However the bottom line is you are their parent and if you don't feel comfortable you have every right to say no.

I can't believe the number of people dismissing this. There's no such thing as a 'functioning alcoholic' in the true sense. She's drinking enough to floor a person most days. Even if she seems on the surface to be reasonably unaffected her judgement and her reactions will be kerput. If she wants to put herself at risk and destroy her liver then it will for sure catch up with her eventually but that's her business. You absolutely shouldn't leave children in her care though. The kids are either young and irresponsible enough that MIL making a bad decision would seriously harm them or they're old enough to look after themselves. If your husband and your MIL don't like your risk assessment then so be it. Your priority is to safeguard your children

Trust your judgement OP.
Your husband's judgement is off, if he can't see the problem.
Also the MIL's partner is of concern if MIL may be not responsible.
Would you leave your kids alone with him, as that may be the reality.
I would absolutely not, but you don't have to tell her why. Just say not yet, or maybe next year.

Drinking a bottle of wine over the course of an evening isn't going to floor anyone especially someone who drinks daily its like 3 glasses of wine

The only way a bottle of wine is 3 glasses is if you are having VERY large glasses! A standard glass of wine is 125ml. Six glasses to a bottle - i.e a lot of wine in one sitting, especially if you are in charge of kids.

A bottle of wine would have little effect on me,not that I regularly drink that amount.

I don't drive so there's no need for me not to have a shared bottle with DH when I have DGS.

Drinking a bottle of wine over the course of an evening isn't going to floor anyone especially someone who drinks daily its like 3 glasses of wine

It is enough to impair judgement and slow reactions, though.

Just normal large glasses. Legal measures are 125ml small, 175ml medium and 250ml large. So it’s 3 large glasses of wine.

Not enough to make you incapable of looking after a child especially a sleeping one

This thread is odd for mumsnet. Usually threads about drinking are all I only have a sherry at Christmas. But this one is the complete opposite. I am really surprised at the number of people who think it is OK to binge drink when in charge of young kids.

It's a lot of alcohol.
Around 3 times the drink drive limit.

The OP clearly feels uncomfortable, so it's likely her children would.

My kids don't like the smell of someone drinking so wouldn't want her close to them.

Yeah, it would barely touch the sides tbh.

And that's fine and why I asked previously if her children want to go or not as if they don't then its not even a question

Have you asked mil to not drink that night? I regularly drink a bottle over the evening but can happily not for a night or a week or a month 🤷‍♀️ I just enjoy sitting and chatting with a bottle. I don't drink if I'm looking after other people's children or if they are staying at a friends in case I'm needed for pick ups

On another thread I and other posters are being told we are ridiculous for thinking a dad drinking 5 pints while out with his young son for the day is not ok. Everyone on that thread is saying it's completely fine.

I don't get it either.

5 pints is 10-15 units. It's a lot. As is a bottle of wine.

The UK has a terrible alcohol culture, as is being amply demonstrated by many posters here. Clearly for a lot of people, a bottle of wine in one night is normal, and they can't see the harm in it.

A pub glass of wine which is large is 250ml. A generation ago those glasses did not exist. Like labels on clothing which pretend to be a 10 but are two sizes bigger, large wine glasses are designed to make you feel good.

Three large glasses is a bottle. I love wine, but drinking a bottle a night means you have problem. Three large glasses means a bottle, but sounds less bad.

If not looking after kids, it's no one's business. If you are, then you restrain yourself

Lol at this; this thread is hilarious.

There's definitely a strong presence from the "a only drink a couple of glasses of wine" contingent; but when you see the glass it's a fucking goldfish bowl with a stem

I was honest. Tried to be kind but said I am concerned regarding drinking while in charge of DC. air went down like a lead balloon with the usual “I can handle my drink “. Now NC.

She doesn’t really for herself, though she knows she drinks a lot. But is aware that her ability to deal with an emergency might be compromised, and she also respected my right to set a limit if she’s in sole charge of my kids. This doesn’t happen if I’m there, and she can get pretty drunk and belligerent and sweaty when we all go to my mum’s, which I don’t like the kids (or me) to be around so I tend to avoid if we can.

When my we stayed with my late MIL it was Grandma’s house Grandma’s rules, apart from when it came to safety. No honey or salt fed to babies, always using a car seat, and no leaving them outside in the street in the car if they were asleep are the only ones I can remember putting my foot down about. She wasn’t happy, and thought I was mad as these had been perfectly acceptable when she’d raised her kids. On each occasion they were difficult conversations, but she was a lovely woman who respected I was their mother and ultimately they were my decisions to make. If you don’t feel your MIL can understand this regarding the alcohol, I would feel unhappy about leaving them in her care too.

That win reply to this

I have a similar problem with my parents and I absolutely don’t let them babysit my children.

No, they aren’t completely off their heads. But they’ve had too much to be able to exercise good judgment. And the one time I did leave my son with them (I was in the house, just downstairs) he had an accident.

It would floor me, and I am not a teetotaller by any count. It's about EIGHT standard drinks not three - wineglasses are deceiving.