Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say she can’t look after kids after she’s been drinking?

223 replies

Nololono · 25/04/2023 14:27

Just that really.

I get the feeling that MIL is a functioning alcoholic, drinking a minimum of a bottle of wine each evening, and has done as long as I’ve known her (20+yrs). Her behaviour doesn’t change particularly, other than becoming more annoying, but I don’t want my DC’s to think this is normal?

Shes asked to have the DC’s overnight for the bank hol - DH has no problem with it, as I guess he has had this behaviour all his life, but I am emphatically not allowing it.

It is going to be a problem as DH is only child and adores MiL and will not say anything that might upset her - how do I deal with this without causing a fight?

OP posts:
SaulSobieski · 25/04/2023 17:11

Just because some drinks a bottle of wine a night,it does not make them an Alcoholic!!They are probably a heavy drinker,big difference!

🙄

SaulSobieski · 25/04/2023 17:12

SmallFerret · 25/04/2023 17:11

Yeah I wasn't asking about the MiL.

I was asking if CoffeeTree is a teetotaller or a hypocrite.
It's an interesting point, & nowt to do with the MiL's problematic drinking levels.

Show quote history

You should be awarded an honorary doctorate in missing the point.

Original poster
Nololono · 25/04/2023 17:13

WideOpenSpaces · 25/04/2023 17:09

My MIL is an alcoholic. My husband and I haven't discussed it but we have an understanding that she doesn't look after our DC by herself after lunchtime.
She's a wonderful Granny but we just can't trust her, and she starts drinking at lunchtime / afternoon and carries on until she falls asleep on the sofa.
It's sad but what if something happens and she's unable to respond as needed. It's just safeguarding your children not to leave them with her when you know it's a risk.

I’m really sorry, that sounds like a shitty situation. Really pleased that your partner and you are handling it together x

OP posts:
MsRosley · 25/04/2023 17:15

Sounds like everyone except you is playing codependent denial of the problem. I wouldn't let me kids stay with her either. Apart from anything else, I wouldn't want her normalising that kind of drinking around them.

Original poster
Nololono · 25/04/2023 17:19

LadyWiddiothethird · 25/04/2023 17:10

Just because some drinks a bottle of wine a night,it does not make them an Alcoholic!!They are probably a heavy drinker,big difference!

I am a sober Alcoholic,last alcoholic drink I took was in May 2003.The general public have no idea about alcoholism,why should they when they are not affected by it.This thread is a good example of this.

I have no opinion whether OP should leave her children with MIL,but one place I wouldn’t come to for advice is Mumsnet.!!

The research I’ve done because of this situation has led me to believe that daily excessive drinking suggests an alcohol problem, but You are absolutely correct, I have no idea about alcoholism because I am not an alcoholic. Where should I go for answers regarding child-care and drinking? Genuine question.

Im on mumsnet, because, like it or not, I feel more secure in my decisions when I ask the advice of others, and I like to hear what others might do in my situation - I’m not planning on using it to stage an intervention with my MIL!

Congrats on your sobriety 👍

OP posts:
Dulra · 25/04/2023 17:21

@Arewehumanorarewecupboards I had read your second post and it didn't really answer my question...

jannier · 25/04/2023 17:23

If she was a parent who came to pick up from childcare drunk they would be ringing the police.

Soakitup37 · 25/04/2023 17:25

Nololono · 25/04/2023 17:19

The research I’ve done because of this situation has led me to believe that daily excessive drinking suggests an alcohol problem, but You are absolutely correct, I have no idea about alcoholism because I am not an alcoholic. Where should I go for answers regarding child-care and drinking? Genuine question.

Im on mumsnet, because, like it or not, I feel more secure in my decisions when I ask the advice of others, and I like to hear what others might do in my situation - I’m not planning on using it to stage an intervention with my MIL!

Congrats on your sobriety 👍

Show quote history

Al-anon if you’re worried about her drinking specifically. Pp is right you cannot have the knowledge of alcoholism without living it or even living in the damage of it. A bottle a night is not a healthy or safe amount (not that I imagine your mil cares, she knows the dangers) but it absolutely doesn’t by definition mean someone’s an alcoholic. They are, I would consider, a big drinker. There is a huge difference between the 2.

personally I think your mil having the dc depends largely on how old they are.

squishee · 25/04/2023 17:27

How old are the kids? is the new Cancel the cheque!

squishee · 25/04/2023 17:28

jannier · 25/04/2023 17:23

If she was a parent who came to pick up from childcare drunk they would be ringing the police.

But she isn't.

Original poster
Nololono · 25/04/2023 17:29

Soakitup37 · 25/04/2023 17:25

Al-anon if you’re worried about her drinking specifically. Pp is right you cannot have the knowledge of alcoholism without living it or even living in the damage of it. A bottle a night is not a healthy or safe amount (not that I imagine your mil cares, she knows the dangers) but it absolutely doesn’t by definition mean someone’s an alcoholic. They are, I would consider, a big drinker. There is a huge difference between the 2.

personally I think your mil having the dc depends largely on how old they are.

Show quote history

Thank you, that’s really helpful.

Its kind of irrelevant I suppose, but what are the differences? I don’t particularly want to go into ALL the details that make me think she is, but there are markers - I hope I wouldn’t label someone as having an alcohol problem without good reason!

thank you again for your reply, I’ll look into al-anon this evening. (Dunno why but that feels quite a scary move in itself)

OP posts:
Herja · 25/04/2023 17:30

As the child of an alcoholic and a heroin addict, I have strong views on kids around addicts. No looking after kids, even teens, without actual supervision (supervising the addict around the kids as much as the kids themselves).

My mum is not allowed to look after my kids, because she will take heroin in the evening whilst doing so. As an addict of 40 years, with the majority as a functioning addict, she'd probably be safe and fine looking after them. No gouching mess, no come downs, on methadone too, so no drug desperation. In an emergency though, she'd be fucking useless as her judgement is still noticably impared though. And she's fucking boring when she's using! No fun for kids at all (as I know very well). And I am confident she would lie about using.

I can see very little difference in this situation in all honesty. As a child, I found being with someone smacked up better than them drinking actually, as there is less unpredictability in their behaviour. Not having my kids in the sole care of an addict, functioning or otherwise, is one of few things I'd never back down over. I've lived that and it's bullshit. Fully with you, OP!

Original poster
Nololono · 25/04/2023 17:30

squishee · 25/04/2023 17:27

How old are the kids? is the new Cancel the cheque!

Sorry! 9 and 7

OP posts:
SmallFerret · 25/04/2023 17:32

Nololono · 25/04/2023 17:19

The research I’ve done because of this situation has led me to believe that daily excessive drinking suggests an alcohol problem, but You are absolutely correct, I have no idea about alcoholism because I am not an alcoholic. Where should I go for answers regarding child-care and drinking? Genuine question.

Im on mumsnet, because, like it or not, I feel more secure in my decisions when I ask the advice of others, and I like to hear what others might do in my situation - I’m not planning on using it to stage an intervention with my MIL!

Congrats on your sobriety 👍

Show quote history

OP - you could try Al-Anon, who support family members of alcoholics.

And btw - anybody who can down 70 units a week & stay mainly "unaffected" only has a huge tolerance because they are a problem drinker. Don't allow semantics to trip you up here, it makes no odds if you call it alcoholism or "being a big drinker" ffs.

I suspect getting some clarity & advice from Al-Anon would help bolster YOU in how you tackle your DH on this topic.
https://al-anonuk.org.uk/

Al-Anon UK | For families & friends of alcoholics

Al-Anon Family Groups are for the families & friends of alcoholics who share their experience, strength & hope in order to solve their common problems.

https://al-anonuk.org.uk

Original poster
Nololono · 25/04/2023 17:32

Herja · 25/04/2023 17:30

As the child of an alcoholic and a heroin addict, I have strong views on kids around addicts. No looking after kids, even teens, without actual supervision (supervising the addict around the kids as much as the kids themselves).

My mum is not allowed to look after my kids, because she will take heroin in the evening whilst doing so. As an addict of 40 years, with the majority as a functioning addict, she'd probably be safe and fine looking after them. No gouching mess, no come downs, on methadone too, so no drug desperation. In an emergency though, she'd be fucking useless as her judgement is still noticably impared though. And she's fucking boring when she's using! No fun for kids at all (as I know very well). And I am confident she would lie about using.

I can see very little difference in this situation in all honesty. As a child, I found being with someone smacked up better than them drinking actually, as there is less unpredictability in their behaviour. Not having my kids in the sole care of an addict, functioning or otherwise, is one of few things I'd never back down over. I've lived that and it's bullshit. Fully with you, OP!

Jesus. That sounds awful, I’m really sorry. Thank you for taking the time to reply x

OP posts:
KitKatLove · 25/04/2023 17:34

SmallFerret · 25/04/2023 16:48

How would that help?
She'll still drink her bottle of wine at OP's house ...

Show quote history

My mil was a functioning alcoholic and used to drink like the OPs. We discovered the extent of the problem the first time she watched the children and she told us when we got home that she had got our 4 year old out of bed to ask her if she knew how to use our corkscrew! She didn’t even realise how bad that was, DH ripped a strip off of her. After that episode we made sure that she hadn’t had a drink (you could tell instantly when she had) and checked she didn’t have anything on her and she knew that she wouldn’t get to see her grandchildren and she complied with the conditions and we had no problems at all after we spoke with her. She denied that she had a drink problem until the end because she wasn’t drinking on a park bench. At Christmas we would give her alcohol free wine but never told her.

Jitterybugs · 25/04/2023 17:34

I’m with you OP. As a grandmother and regular babysitter over the years I would never drink any alcohol if in sole charge of any of my grandchildren. I like to be alert and responsive including overnight. Looking back there have been so many times over the years when I’ve heard that tell tale cry in the next room in the early hours and gone in to spag bol or whatever in a heap on the pillow and a small child who’s suddenly developed a fever. Could she be trusted to deal with an unexpectedly sick child or worse still one who needs medical attention. I would say no she wouldn’t and I would not give her the opportunity to try it.

RampantIvy · 25/04/2023 17:36

I don't find a mother not wanting to leave her child in soul care of someone suffering active and unaddressed alcohol dependence "precious".

Neither do I.

Quite frankly, I find the idea of leaving children in the care of someone who had consumed a bottle of wine very concerning, and I'm shocked that some posters are minimising this and think that it is OK. It isn't.

Original poster
Nololono · 25/04/2023 17:37

SmallFerret · 25/04/2023 17:32

OP - you could try Al-Anon, who support family members of alcoholics.

And btw - anybody who can down 70 units a week & stay mainly "unaffected" only has a huge tolerance because they are a problem drinker. Don't allow semantics to trip you up here, it makes no odds if you call it alcoholism or "being a big drinker" ffs.

I suspect getting some clarity & advice from Al-Anon would help bolster YOU in how you tackle your DH on this topic.
https://al-anonuk.org.uk/

Show quote history

Thank you, I appreciate it 👍

OP posts:
MsRosley · 25/04/2023 17:37

And btw - anybody who can down 70 units a week & stay mainly "unaffected" only has a huge tolerance because they are a problem drinker. Don't allow semantics to trip you up here, it makes no odds if you call it alcoholism or "being a big drinker" ffs.

Completely agree. How is downing a bottle of wine a night not problem drinking? I can only think anyone who thinks that normal or okay has problems with alcohol themselves, or is in denial about the problem drinking of someone close to them.

phoenixrosehere · 25/04/2023 17:39

SaulSobieski · 25/04/2023 17:00

That said, when they have seen her behaviour change after drinking, they are very clearly uncomfortable with it

I wouldn't be subjecting them to that.

It's unfair and it sets a precedent for life & relationships; we have to tolerate other people's substance abuse etc and behaviour even though it naturally makes us uncomfortable. But we have to tolerate it and push down our discomfort.

Exactly! Not sure why so many posters are ignoring this over what is or isn’t an alcoholic or how much alcohol someone should be able to consume when in charge of children.

Ponderingwindow · 25/04/2023 17:41

I wouldn’t let her babysit even if she agreed not to drink. You should never leave your children with an alcoholic, no matter how high functioning of an alcoholic they may be.

I grew up surrounded by all flavors of alcoholics. None of them are safe and reliable caregivers.

Sarah2891 · 25/04/2023 17:41

No way would I let them stay with her overnight. Do what you think is best.

foxandbee · 25/04/2023 17:48

I am surprised anyone has said you are being unreasonable. I would not want my kids to be under the care of someone who is downing a bottle of wine a night, every night, especially a 7 year old and a 9 year old. If your MiL can't not drink when she has the kids, she has a big problem.

I say all this as someone who can get through a bottle of wine over the course of a night. I am not a thimble of sherry at Christmas type!

lookingthroughthekeyhole · 25/04/2023 17:50

If I drank a whole bottle of wine I wouldn't be getting up with the children in the morning and the next day would be pretty written off.
If she drinks a minimum of a bottle of wine every day for 20+ years I'm surprised she hasn't got cirrhosis of the liver.
I'm not sure id want my children to see her like that, she must stink but if it was dh mum and he wanted it then I can see both sides. Would she have anyone else in the house at the time?