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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say she can’t look after kids after she’s been drinking?

223 replies

Nololono · 25/04/2023 14:27

Just that really.

I get the feeling that MIL is a functioning alcoholic, drinking a minimum of a bottle of wine each evening, and has done as long as I’ve known her (20+yrs). Her behaviour doesn’t change particularly, other than becoming more annoying, but I don’t want my DC’s to think this is normal?

Shes asked to have the DC’s overnight for the bank hol - DH has no problem with it, as I guess he has had this behaviour all his life, but I am emphatically not allowing it.

It is going to be a problem as DH is only child and adores MiL and will not say anything that might upset her - how do I deal with this without causing a fight?

OP posts:
Snugglemonkey · 26/04/2023 19:46

CandlelightGlow · 25/04/2023 15:05

If she's a functioning alcoholic she will drink regardless of what the OP says.

Show quote history

I do not think this is true. My dad is a functioning alcoholic. He definitely can exert a level if control and I witness it. I do not live in the same country. When I go home I stay with him. When I had children, I did not want to, so they would not be exposed to the alcoholism.

It has not been without difficulty, as some conversations are tough, but we have come to a place where we can stay, he can stay here, we can holiday together. We even let him babysit my 6 yar old one night and had a meal.

He never drinks at all until the children are in bed when we are around. He then has two drinks. I have no doubt that they are probably large ones, but two nonetheless. He never appears in any way affected. I am sure he is, but I am also satisfied that even if my children got up, they would not see anything and the later they go to bed, the longer he waits. He can maintain that for a fortnight.

When he looked after my child,he did not drink until we came home. I believe that, because I had seen him make great efforts for 6 years and I knew he wanted to prove himself. It was all ok, we got in at 10. We did not say we were coming then. He was drinking tea. Actually, he just went to bed when we got back.

You need to open the dialogue.

pinkpantherpink · 26/04/2023 19:48

Big no from me.

Stand by your principles. What would happen if there was an accident at her house?

I grew up with a mother who drank. Wouldn't have a child stay overnight. Nope.

Jack80 · 26/04/2023 20:07

Maybe she could come over to yours and stay the night rather than them going to hers. Say your wary of your children staying away from home.

Kaiserchief · 26/04/2023 21:52

Oblomov23 · 25/04/2023 17:05

Wouldn't bother me. Can't see the issue. But MN is really wierd about anyone drinking whilst being in charge of children.

You’d really be happy to leave your children overnight with someone who’s drunk?

Kaiserchief · 26/04/2023 21:55

Sassoon · 26/04/2023 19:07

Mumsnet is hilariously predictable in the number of people saying you shouldn't look after kids if you've drank too much to legally drive. Christ is it any wonder the number of women having kids is going down. Two glasses of wine and you're an unfit mother now 🙄

No-one has said that

Kaiserchief · 26/04/2023 22:07

I’m amazed at the few people who think it’s ok! YANBU.

If she was unaffected by a bottle of wine, she wouldn’t drink a bottle of wine.

She needs to have the night off the booze or no sleepover.

They don’t have to go. Our kids never sleep over at either of our parents’ houses, ever.

RampantIvy · 26/04/2023 22:09

sofamarathon · 26/04/2023 18:59

If they're just there for one eve, I'm sure the kids will be ok. They're not babies and unless MIL is falling down drunk/ off her face, she will be fine

One bottle seems like a lot but not to hardened drinkers

i know plenty of people who drink at home and have kids.

Don't you ever have a sesh? Dinner party when kids are asleep? friends round for drinks?

You are minimising the amount of alcohol the mum drinks. Of cours it's not OK. And no, responsible parents don't get drunk when in charge of children Hmm

PixieLaLa · 26/04/2023 22:19

The kids are 7 and 9 year olds, I was thinking from your OP they were toddler ages. YABU

RampantIvy · 26/04/2023 22:20

PixieLaLa · 26/04/2023 22:19

The kids are 7 and 9 year olds, I was thinking from your OP they were toddler ages. YABU

Of course she in't being unreasonable. I wouldn't want someone looking after a 7 and 9 year old to consume an entire bottle of wine. Thats 9 or 10 units of alcohol.

booksandbrooks · 26/04/2023 22:21

It's too hard to tell imo. If she's drinking a bottle of wine every night with her partner then that's quite different to one to yourself. I only drink occasionally and socially but lots of my friends enjoy a glass or two of wine if an evening, between 2 that's a bottle.
That said, you could be totally right.

Original poster
Nololono · 26/04/2023 22:30

creativelady22 · 26/04/2023 18:03

I feel you're in a very difficult position here. My Mum was like this for many years before she unfortunately became a full-blown alcoholic. I didn't realise how bad it had got until my son, who was about eight at the time, told me she had fallen off the sofa and then sobbed... this was a wake-up call for everyone as she was great at hiding it. She got help and is four years sober now but be aware of how well functioning alcoholics hide their habits, and I have always felt awful that I allowed her to look after my son thinking she was innocently having a couple of glasses of wine.... I feel for you and I don't think I'd allow it.......

I’m sorry for your situation, it sounds horrible, but so glad your mum received some help. There has been an occasion when my MIL was in such a state she couldn’t open her back door or walk straight, and that was very upsetting for all of us to see

OP posts:
Original poster
Nololono · 26/04/2023 22:31

MeridianB · 26/04/2023 06:52

This.

I bet this would be a quicker decision for everyone if she was a chain smoker. Trust your instincts. You’re right to put your children ahead of DH and MIL.

Show quote history

Thank you. I’m very non-confrontational and a horrific people pleaser so I’m going to have to reach deep!

OP posts:
Original poster
Nololono · 26/04/2023 22:33

sofamarathon · 26/04/2023 18:59

If they're just there for one eve, I'm sure the kids will be ok. They're not babies and unless MIL is falling down drunk/ off her face, she will be fine

One bottle seems like a lot but not to hardened drinkers

i know plenty of people who drink at home and have kids.

Don't you ever have a sesh? Dinner party when kids are asleep? friends round for drinks?

I actually don’t - I react horrifically to alcohol, and will puke after half a glass. Thank you for the comment though, they probably would be okay, but I don’t feel comfortable taking the chance

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 26/04/2023 22:34

You don't need to be confrontational. Just say the children prefer their own beds or something similar.

Original poster
Nololono · 26/04/2023 22:35

Inwiththenew · 26/04/2023 19:00

Yeah just say you think it’s a really lovely idea but only if she doesn’t drink. And just stay firm on that. It’s really is only reasonable when someone is looking after children. You would absolutely never accept that behaviour from a babysitter or childminder.

Yes! If a babysitter turned up with a bottle of wine I would send them packing?

OP posts:
Original poster
Nololono · 26/04/2023 22:36

WendyWagon · 26/04/2023 19:01

OP a bottle a night is alcohol dependancy. I was that person. I thought I was clever having two nights off. I also thought I was 'normal'. My friends drink daily too, my family are boozers.
However I have a non drinking husband so if there was an emergency we were covered. When I stopped drinking 15 months ago my now adult children were so relieved. I had to listen to their stories of my behaviour from the past 18 years.
My advice would be to be frank. I am very frightening as a personality. My BFF told me my weight loss surgery wouldn't work if I carried on drinking. I would probably die as you process alcohol differently post surgery. Your mother in law needs to hear it from both of you. We have a great thread for alcohol support on MN. I am glad I am not that person who ignored my children for wine anymore. Be bold but kind. You are worried about her. That is fine not unreasonable.

Thank you so much for this, I really appreciate it. I’ll take a look for the thread on alcohol support

OP posts:
Original poster
Nololono · 26/04/2023 22:38

FraterculaArctica · 26/04/2023 19:25

My DM was/is a functioning alcoholic. It destroyed my childhood and I live forever resenting my DF for not protecting us better, and that my DC don't have a DGM who can actually ever be left in charge of them. Aggression when challenged about excessive drinking is absolutely characteristic of alcoholics. My DM never gets to the falling down drunk stage but is relentlessly aggressive and gaslighting (everything was "a figment of your imagination"). I will.never subject my DC to this sort of emotional abuse or the witnessing of it.

Stick to your guns OP.

Thank you. Some of what your saying does ring bells, in particular the gaslighting regarding behaviour. It’s an uncomfortable conversation but I do realise now that it has to be had

OP posts:
ilovepixie · 26/04/2023 22:42

My granny was a functioning alcoholic and drunk every night. I have memories of having to put her to bed and being worried she would fall. I hated seeing her drunk

Original poster
Nololono · 26/04/2023 22:42

MrsWeasley · 26/04/2023 19:34

Does MIL have the children at other times, during the day or babysitting at yours etc?
could you maybe ‘joke’ with her saying ‘but how will you cope without your wine?’ Do you ever have a drink in the evening? Sorry lots of questions.

No, not without either me of DH there. I don’t drink because I throw up after even a sniff of alcohol (I was a very boring student 😂). Honestly I can’t even imagine making a comment like that - I have mentioned the drinking one time and she honestly looked as though I’d just punched her

OP posts:
fliptopbin · 26/04/2023 23:04

Is it a bottle of wine to herself per night, or a bottle shared with her partner? I know myself that after half a bottle I would be nicely chilled, but by no means drunk, and as long as I didn't have to drive the next day I would be fine looking after my own kids. (I know I am probably being paranoid about the driving, but I figure better safe than sorry, so my rule is no driving for 24 hours if I have had any alcohol whatsoever).

However I would not dream of babysitting another child or having them for a playdate the next day if I had had any alcohol the night before at all because I would be worried about smelling of alcohol.(I don't know how much alcohol it takes to smell of alcohol the next day, but I am paranoid about smelling of anything.)

However, after a whole bottle, no way!

HappyHourStartsNow · 27/04/2023 00:21

I left one of my DCs with MIL in law once, for the evening with her babysitting.

She was sitting drinking wine downstairs as she was prone to doing in the evenings, don’t know about a bottle but she drank massive glasses. When I came home she was clearly a bit tipsy and said everything had been fine.

I went upstairs and found my baby lying face down asleep in his own vomit. She hadn’t heard him and clearly hadn’t checked very recently, so she didn’t know he had become ill.

I could see that she felt awful but I didn’t ask her to babysit again.

Mildred007 · 27/04/2023 00:23

LadyWiddiothethird · 25/04/2023 17:10

Just because some drinks a bottle of wine a night,it does not make them an Alcoholic!!They are probably a heavy drinker,big difference!

I am a sober Alcoholic,last alcoholic drink I took was in May 2003.The general public have no idea about alcoholism,why should they when they are not affected by it.This thread is a good example of this.

I have no opinion whether OP should leave her children with MIL,but one place I wouldn’t come to for advice is Mumsnet.!!

Congratulations on your sobriety. I genuinely mean that.

However, I think several people here have had experience of alcoholism hence their reactions.

Can you explain the difference between "heavy drinker" and "alcoholic"?

I can sometimes drink a bottle of wine of an evening, rare, but it does happen. However, I can also go weeks without alcohol without it bothering me. Imo if someone can't go a day/few days without then it's a problem.

I do have experience of alcoholism in my and my DH's family. My DH and I were in agreement his family member couldn't look after our children alone as we knew they'd be drinking and not fully capable in an emergency. Same with my family member.

My children are older now and know my alcoholic family member (a very close relative to them) drinks a lot - even they can tell by various factors. An outsider probably couldn't tell though.

Even though I don't mind a drink I'm really sensitive about alcohol as a result of our family member's consumption, maybe a bit too sensitive at times. However, the proof in the pudding is if the OP asks her MIL to not drink whilst her children is under MIL's care - my DH's family member & my own family member would probably agree and then sneak it anyway. My other non-alcoholic family members would 100% agree to it and not drink alcohol whilst they had my children. Its not a big ask is it?!

keffie12 · 27/04/2023 02:34

Nololono · 25/04/2023 15:28

Thank you for all the responses, I really do appreciate the points of view, as I know I can be a bit of a dick regarding her. I’ll try and answer what’s been asked!

How I know - She tells me how much she drinks/asks us to pick her up a bottle if we’re pop over (she lives close-ish), and occasionally I see her in the shop. She doesn’t see it as a problem at all, almost seems quite proud of it tbh, which is fine as long as she’s not looking after my DC’s I feel.

Her behaviour is changable - sometimes she’s silly and chatty, sometimes she’s completely fine, and sometimes I can’t understand a word she’s saying, although those occasions are quite rare.

She can drive, but only does if she has to. She has a partner in the house (who is also a drinker) but he tends to stay out of the way!

Hope that helps.

It's a resounding no from me! Your DH might not see it as abnormal. It is. If you aren't comfortable with it, then they don't go whatever their age.

Even with older youngsters, they are still minors. If there was a fire or the like, anything could happen. Even if she had a fall and needed an ambulance, what then?

Older say teens shouldn't be dealing with that either

My now adult youngsters had 3 years of me as an evening drinker towards the end of a toxic marriage to their biological dad. I stopped drinking 20 years ago as it was becoming a problem.

I cringe when I look back at it. I know what they said to me about that time even though they have had a lot of understanding

Your children, under your care Even when you're away from home you are the one responsible for them

NannaKaren · 27/04/2023 08:25

No - it makes me feel sick with worry - just NO!
she is an alcoholic !
try and talk to her about it if she will listen …

Boysnana · 27/04/2023 10:07

For what its worth. My opinion is no don't let the children stay. With experience similar to others I had an alcoholic father. No drama just drunk and asleep.
One situation when my friend was at work and her children were with me as her husband was at a very very sad funeral. I took the children home and noticed he had had one too many.

I put the children back in the car and brought them home. Told him I understand he had been to a funeral and was very upset and had a drink. And I would be taking the children home until tomorrow.

If you DC did need outside help the services attending would refer the matter to social services and a whole mess would appear.

So nope from me.