To say she can’t look after kids after she’s been drinking?

[Nololono]

Just that really.

I get the feeling that MIL is a functioning alcoholic, drinking a minimum of a bottle of wine each evening, and has done as long as I’ve known her (20+yrs). Her behaviour doesn’t change particularly, other than becoming more annoying, but I don’t want my DC’s to think this is normal?

Shes asked to have the DC’s overnight for the bank hol - DH has no problem with it, as I guess he has had this behaviour all his life, but I am emphatically not allowing it.

It is going to be a problem as DH is only child and adores MiL and will not say anything that might upset her - how do I deal with this without causing a fight?

I am not an alcoholic and so her tolerance would be even higher than mine and a bottle of wine over the course of an evening does not make me inebriated in any way that radically impacts my behaviour. It all depends on how alcohol affects an individual. It does give me a bit of a buzz but not a lot more than that.

OP, can she hold a proper conversation, get herself to bed without stumbling after drinking that much? Is the drinking spread out over the evening or over a couple of hours, ie DC might see her have a drink but not whole bottle.

Also, what age are your DC? One of our pets was taken seriously ill while I had a babysitter years ago. Babysitter came and got me up and I was the one who went through the address book and phoned the vet - the vet said I was more use than the babysitter! I was 11 years old.

I used to drink this much (now don't drink at all). I could drink a bottle of wine and you wouldn't know it, assuming all was well and all I was required to do was chat and do normal household tasks etc. Totally fine. HOWEVER, I was absolutely not ok to be in charge of children as, if anything had gone wrong (an accident, say) my judgement would not have been as good as it should be. Likewise my coordination etc (although in normal circs you wouldn't have known anything) would not have been good enough for dealing with anything tricky. It's not just driving that is an issue. People can get very used to drinking this much and appear on the outside to be unaffected, but they are still affected in things like reaction speed and judgement of risk- it's unavoidable, that's what alcohol does.

Your instinct is right, OP.

It really depends on how old the kids are and what she’s like when she’s been drinking. But if they were teens, you probably wouldn’t be asking.

I don’t think it matters that they are DHs children blah blah - that doesn’t trump your right to keep them safe. I left my ex as he was an alcoholic and I was allowed to stop him seeing them unsupervised. Rights to see children are not more important than their well-being.

To be fair, there’s probably plenty of kids looked after by grandparents (perhaps on a special occasion when they have drunk that much), however DH should be concerned about her health in general and getting her help (is he not worried about serious liver problems, cancer etc?).

But we recently had someone working on the house who happily admitted to having a bottle of wine every single night, said he never got a hangover and was not adversely affected by it 😳 I suppose you have to decide if this is how she would be?

Thank you for all the responses, I really do appreciate the points of view, as I know I can be a bit of a dick regarding her. I’ll try and answer what’s been asked!

How I know - She tells me how much she drinks/asks us to pick her up a bottle if we’re pop over (she lives close-ish), and occasionally I see her in the shop. She doesn’t see it as a problem at all, almost seems quite proud of it tbh, which is fine as long as she’s not looking after my DC’s I feel.

Her behaviour is changable - sometimes she’s silly and chatty, sometimes she’s completely fine, and sometimes I can’t understand a word she’s saying, although those occasions are quite rare.

She can drive, but only does if she has to. She has a partner in the house (who is also a drinker) but he tends to stay out of the way!

Hope that helps.

THIS IS IT!

of course I do worry about something happening (I am a worrier) but it’s more that it’s just not fun/peaceful to be around? I don’t think you can guarantee that she’ll stay okay and sensible? Not sure if that makes sense, I’m rambling a bit.

thank you for your responses x

Many can’t.
Many won’t.

Op YANBU.

Thank you x

me being a nosy bitch, but what made you stop? This is obviously none of my business, so apologies if I’ve made you uncomfortable by asking x

If you can’t legally drive a car after drinking a bottle of wine then you shouldn’t be allowed to look after children either.

Yanbu and on the (bizarre) idea that she's 'functioning' therefore ok. She is managing to get drunk at home, alone you've no idea if she's taking care of herself or just drinking herself yo sleep. The functioning part is she is still maintaining something of an outward life, but her home life could well be chaotic, her judgment impaired eg suitable entertainment and so its an unsuitable unpredictable home environment.

Don’t get this mentality at all. It’s be a no from me too. If she’s drunk, she’s not capable.

It’s so odd to me how many people normalise drinking heavily when looking after children.

There can be a million variations on “at least a bottle of wine a day.” It could be a glass with dinner, putting the kids to bed, then having a few more with her partner; or it could equally be starting at midday and passing out on the sofa by 6pm, leaving toddlers alone and unattended.

OP you say you’re a bit of a dick regards her, is it the alcohol specifically or that you just dislike her and don’t want your kids around her?

Ultimately it’ll be very hard to say no to this if you have no legitimate safety concerns that your husband shares. If you really want to avoid it, you’re probably going to end up scheduling other activities on dates she’s likely to ask and encouraging your children to say they don’t want to go. But this will drive a wedge between your family and MIL, and probably you and DH too.

I think it depends on the ages of the children. Are they young enough that she will be carrying them and could possibly fall over and drop them? Will you worry that she will drink drive with them in the car?

We are leaving dc (5 & 10) at our house with MIL and an auntie over one of the bank holiday weekends to have (only our 3rd ever in 10 years!) night away. I have no doubt that they will both be drinking, certainly more than 3 glasses over the evening (which is a bottle of wine).

I personally don't have any issues with it as long as they aren't both so falling down drunk that they can't feed our children and put them safely to bed. Dh and I would have 3 or more drinks in an evening while they are in our care (as do most parents I know), so I wouldn't be concerned about that.

But I think it would be different if your dc are so young or have SEN and might be particularly vulnerable. That said, I think most people can of course abstain for an evening, but I also wouldn't expect them to as we wouldn't either on any given Saturday.

No way... and I say this as someone who can polish off two!

Don't be ridiculous, you can't be sure you're legally under the limit to drive after one GLASS of wine, yet it would be quite extreme to suggest that any adult shouldn't be allowed to look after children after a glass of wine.

Ultimately it’ll be very hard to say no to this

I really disagree with this sentiment. No one has a right to have your children over this. If you want to say no, then say no. You don’t HAVE to let her have your children overnight at all.

You do need to have a serious discussion with your DH about it all though.

That doesn't make sense. Should you only be in charge of a child if you have a car and can drive?

I wouldn’t never encourage DC’s to say they didn’t want to spend time with her, as they love her to bits. That said, when they have seen her behaviour change after drinking, they are very clearly uncomfortable with it, which is my main prob as I couldn’t guarantee what kind of drunk mood she’ll get into?

OK.

So if a man posted a thread here asking for MN permission to ban his wife's mother from having their kids, you'd say he was at perfect liberty to do so?

I would be completely uncomfortable with this. If someone is minding my kids they need to be sober so they can respond properly to their needs. I'd worry about what heavy sleepers they'd both be if something happened in the night and how comfortable the kids would feel with them. If they've both been drinking would they be likely to argue? I think your dh needs to have a word and say that if they're going to watch the kids they need to be sober. It's a perfectly reasonable thing to expect but better coming from him than you. As you say they're adults and can do what they want, but when it involves your children you decide what you're happy with.

Are some implying that it is acceptable for her to look after her grandchildren? Thankfully most are very aware of the risks. @Nololono you are right to have concerns. The welfare of your children should be paramount. If MIL is offended, tough

Recommended intake of alcohol per week is 14 units.
One bottle of wine is 10 units.

If MIL is an alcoholic, that is what is driving a wedge. It is not the responsibility of everyone around her to manage and minimise the problem.

I am making an assumption that the OP characterising her drinking as problematic is how it is.