To say she can’t look after kids after she’s been drinking?

[Nololono]

Just that really.

I get the feeling that MIL is a functioning alcoholic, drinking a minimum of a bottle of wine each evening, and has done as long as I’ve known her (20+yrs). Her behaviour doesn’t change particularly, other than becoming more annoying, but I don’t want my DC’s to think this is normal?

Shes asked to have the DC’s overnight for the bank hol - DH has no problem with it, as I guess he has had this behaviour all his life, but I am emphatically not allowing it.

It is going to be a problem as DH is only child and adores MiL and will not say anything that might upset her - how do I deal with this without causing a fight?

My sister is a (semi) functioning alcoholic. She loves my kids and they love her, and she is very good with kids in small doses (none of her own). She has babysat mine quite a few times when they were younger, though not as babies, and only up to 11pm/midnight, never overnight.

Asking her not to drink is unrealistic and would make her feel stressed and probably unwell. However we had an agreement that she would not drink more than a few glasses/max half a bottle of wine in case there was an emergency. She is definitely not in anyway drunk on this amount as she has a high tolerance. She thinks this is reasonable and has always stuck to it (she insists on telling me exactly what she has drunk when we get home). As it’s not overnight she can of course drink when she gets home, but I’m sure she would have stuck to it if it was overnight as she would never want to put them at any risk.

Could you try a similar arrangement with your MIL?

That said, when they have seen her behaviour change after drinking, they are very clearly uncomfortable with it, which is my main prob as I couldn’t guarantee what kind of drunk mood she’ll get into?

Then why is it acceptable for her to have them overnight? Why put them in this situation with her just because she is family?

Their safety and comfort trumps her need to drink and your DH’s feelings.

It's a no from me for all the reasons listed above.

I would have a drink in my house, but I know if I'm over the limit I've the ILs with at least 4 drivers next door.

But if I host any kids that aren't mine, I stay completely sober

😂😂😂
Every evening, I witess veritable fleets of social services vehicles blasting around the neighbourhood, disgorging teams of SS officers to do a house-to-house with breathalysers, closely monitoring each household's parents or childcare providers for intoxication, & removing DC whose carers are over the limit.

It's not like SS has been stretched to breaking point & struggles with the resources needed to get a child protected from a seriously abusive parent, is it? Nope, they just amuse themselves by policing people for getting pissed at home ...

I'm not pretending it's ok to be smashed while in charge of kids.
But justifying the sexist notion that a father isn't allowed to choose who is responsible around his DC, so a mother can over-ride him, by posting hyperbole attributed to SS is a nonsense standpoint, so I'm calling it out.

OP feels her MiL isn't capable of supervising her kids properly.
Her DH disagrees.
OP doesn't actually have the right to ban her MiL from having her kids. No matter the moral stance, no court - or social worker - would be back her on this UNLESS she could prove that MiL is a pass-out, incapable, dangerous drunk.
And we don't know that she is. Her son doesn't think she is, & he is equally responsible for parenting decisions as his wife.

OP needs to tackle HIM, not his mother.

How would that help?
She'll still drink her bottle of wine at OP's house ...

Darling @Dulra reading my second post would have saved you some time.

They probably won't realise but I'd be concerned if there was a medical problem /accident with the dcs and she wasn't fully alert enough to deal with it. Depends also how far she lives from you. If she needs to drive them to a and e then that would obviously be a problem in itself.

Are you teetotal, or at least teetotal unless away from your DC overnight?

Are you never going to even have a sip of lager until your DC are fledged?

If not - bully for you.
But if you have a glass of something at a party/on a saturday at home - why do you expect more from your friends than you do of yourself?

If someone asked me not to drink around their kids, I'd.... not drink around their kids. It's a really easy ask.

If the very idea sends me into a tailspin of defensiveness and demanding to know whether the friend is teetotal and HOW CAN YOU ASK SUCH A THING... yeah, bit of a red flag.

That said, when they have seen her behaviour change after drinking, they are very clearly uncomfortable with it

I wouldn't be subjecting them to that.

It's unfair and it sets a precedent for life & relationships; we have to tolerate other people's substance abuse etc and behaviour even though it naturally makes us uncomfortable. But we have to tolerate it and push down our discomfort.

I regularly drank a bottle of wine at home when my kids were little and in bed.
I drive, my husband does not. If we are going off whether someone could drive to the hospital in an emergency then I would have been teetotal for the last 16 years!
A bottle of wine for (most) people isn't enough to be incapable of decision making in an emergency and if the worst had happened I would have called an ambulance if it was serious enough or got a taxi to the hospital (like all of the none driving couples would have to do even if they were completely sober)
Whether OP trusts her mother in law is something she will have to decide (hopefully including her husbands judgement) but I do wish people would stop with the 'they can't drive' argument.

if the worst had happened I would have called an ambulance if it was serious enough or got a taxi to the hospital (like all of the none driving couples would have to do even if they were completely sober)

Calling a taxi - even with communicating it's an emergency A&E situation - they still might not have cars immediately free and in your vicinity. Then theyve got to get to you. Extra time that could be very important in an emergency.

Ambulances are currently in short supply with long waits in certain areas - more extra time getting to A&E that could be very important.

You're just fortunate nothing happened.

No. the red flag is the careful avoidance of answering the question.

It's a valid question - if you demand 100% sobriety round your kids, do you set yourself the same standard?

like all of the none driving couples would have to do even if they were completely sober)

Not really a comparison; one is noone in the household being able to drive; the other is incapacitating yourself from driving when you don't have to.

Wouldn't bother me. Can't see the issue. But MN is really wierd about anyone drinking whilst being in charge of children.

So in that scenario with my friend asking me not to drink when looking after kids, instead of saying "Yeah sure," I should instead grill my friend, "WHY, are you a teetoaller?! ANSWER THE QUESTION!"

That's one way to get out of babysitting.

It sounds like your sis recognises she has a problem, and my MIL really doesn’t (apologies if I’m wrong). I have mentioned her drinking when she asked to look after DS once, and she reacted like I’d slapped her in the face, so I’m not sure it’s go very well 😬

Thank you though 👍

Are you never going to even have a sip of lager until your DC are fledged?

So many posts demonstrating MN hyperbole and irrelevance at its finest.

She's drinking about a bottle of wine.

So what's the actual point in taking about drinking half a lager or shandy or something. There is a difference in units consumed. That's why the law around units and the advice around units is what it is.

Would you happy for ss to know if anything went wrong? That’s the acid test.

Preach it sister.
Especially to non-drivers, or PP who can't afford a car.

I expect my fictitious fleet of SS breathalyser squads (see upthread) could be deployed to also cross-examine parents about their ability to drive/own a vehicle, & the children dragged screaming from their homes if their feckless, non-car owning parents refuse to wise up.

These non-drivers are just fortunate nothing happened.
How DARE they procreate to wantonly?

My MIL is an alcoholic. My husband and I haven't discussed it but we have an understanding that she doesn't look after our DC by herself after lunchtime.
She's a wonderful Granny but we just can't trust her, and she starts drinking at lunchtime / afternoon and carries on until she falls asleep on the sofa.
It's sad but what if something happens and she's unable to respond as needed. It's just safeguarding your children not to leave them with her when you know it's a risk.

That genuinely makes me feel a bit sick

Just because some drinks a bottle of wine a night,it does not make them an Alcoholic!!They are probably a heavy drinker,big difference!

I am a sober Alcoholic,last alcoholic drink I took was in May 2003.The general public have no idea about alcoholism,why should they when they are not affected by it.This thread is a good example of this.

I have no opinion whether OP should leave her children with MIL,but one place I wouldn’t come to for advice is Mumsnet.!!

Thank you! I have no problems at all with occasional drinking, or a glass or two! It’s just that it seems to be (from what I’ve seen) a bottle a night minimum

Yeah I wasn't asking about the MiL.

I was asking if CoffeeTree is a teetotaller or a hypocrite.
It's an interesting point, & nowt to do with the MiL's problematic drinking levels.