To say she can’t look after kids after she’s been drinking?

[Nololono]

Just that really.

I get the feeling that MIL is a functioning alcoholic, drinking a minimum of a bottle of wine each evening, and has done as long as I’ve known her (20+yrs). Her behaviour doesn’t change particularly, other than becoming more annoying, but I don’t want my DC’s to think this is normal?

Shes asked to have the DC’s overnight for the bank hol - DH has no problem with it, as I guess he has had this behaviour all his life, but I am emphatically not allowing it.

It is going to be a problem as DH is only child and adores MiL and will not say anything that might upset her - how do I deal with this without causing a fight?

I wouldn’t be worried about driving to hospital type stuff, loads of people don’t drive. It’s things like risking not waking quickly enough if there is a fire that would worry me.

Its not 8, even at a small glass (125ml) measurement it's 6. But you're right, it affects everyone differently. If she drinks a bottle a day every day you likely wouldn't notice much impact but the only thing that matters is if the mum is comfortable which she isn't, so case closed.

My 11 year old grandchild stayed with me overnight only recently. They woke me up saying they felt sick and then vomited on and off during the rest of the night. They needed care and I was able to give it. I could not have coped if I had been drinking. So no, drinking and grand parenting together is a bad idea.

Be clear about the drinking.
No more than half a glass with dinner or no children.
It has to come from your husband.

The reasoning would be that she would have to pass a breathalizer test at the very least and be certain of not having impaired driving skills at any time, in case of emergency.

The other option would be that one of you also stays with them.

This.

I bet this would be a quicker decision for everyone if she was a chain smoker. Trust your instincts. You’re right to put your children ahead of DH and MIL.

8 how small are your wine glasses

Surely the size of the glass is irrelevant with regard to the OP’s MIL. She drinks a bottle of wine every evening. She could pour it in a jug and drink it from there and call it one glass but it’s still a full bottle of wine.

She won't appear drunk because she's continually topped up but her reactions etc will not be the same as a sober person

Exactly

So many unnecessary semantics here. It doesn't matter how many glasses are in a bottle. Ultimately, OP, your kids aren't comfortable being around her when she's drunk and she drinks heavily each night. Again, the choice is hers to either drink or have her grandchildren stay.

If she wants to spend time with them, can she not come to stay with you all instead? I’m never sure why so many GPs want the kids to stay over alone if it’s not even being asked.

'the only thing that matters is if the mum is comfortable'

@Whyisitsosohard Not quite - they also have a father.

I feel you're in a very difficult position here. My Mum was like this for many years before she unfortunately became a full-blown alcoholic. I didn't realise how bad it had got until my son, who was about eight at the time, told me she had fallen off the sofa and then sobbed... this was a wake-up call for everyone as she was great at hiding it. She got help and is four years sober now but be aware of how well functioning alcoholics hide their habits, and I have always felt awful that I allowed her to look after my son thinking she was innocently having a couple of glasses of wine.... I feel for you and I don't think I'd allow it.......

If they're just there for one eve, I'm sure the kids will be ok. They're not babies and unless MIL is falling down drunk/ off her face, she will be fine

One bottle seems like a lot but not to hardened drinkers

i know plenty of people who drink at home and have kids.

Don't you ever have a sesh? Dinner party when kids are asleep? friends round for drinks?

Yeah just say you think it’s a really lovely idea but only if she doesn’t drink. And just stay firm on that. It’s really is only reasonable when someone is looking after children. You would absolutely never accept that behaviour from a babysitter or childminder.

OP a bottle a night is alcohol dependancy. I was that person. I thought I was clever having two nights off. I also thought I was 'normal'. My friends drink daily too, my family are boozers.
However I have a non drinking husband so if there was an emergency we were covered. When I stopped drinking 15 months ago my now adult children were so relieved. I had to listen to their stories of my behaviour from the past 18 years.
My advice would be to be frank. I am very frightening as a personality. My BFF told me my weight loss surgery wouldn't work if I carried on drinking. I would probably die as you process alcohol differently post surgery. Your mother in law needs to hear it from both of you. We have a great thread for alcohol support on MN. I am glad I am not that person who ignored my children for wine anymore. Be bold but kind. You are worried about her. That is fine not unreasonable.

Even if the kids have shown clear discomfort around their grandmother when she has been drinking?

Mumsnet is hilariously predictable in the number of people saying you shouldn't look after kids if you've drank too much to legally drive. Christ is it any wonder the number of women having kids is going down. Two glasses of wine and you're an unfit mother now 🙄

It’s a big fat no from me. My mother in law is a recovering alcoholic. She was ‘functioning’ at the times she was drinking. But it was utterly terrifying to watch. She wasn’t even allowed to look after our dog until she had proven she was sober. There’s still no way I’d let my kids stay with her overnight, or be babysat anywhere other than our house for short periods. To those who haven’t experienced being around an alcoholic it may sound over the top. But I have seen that woman driving whilst so drunk she couldn’t speak and hide bottles of wine in the most amazing places in her house, garden and garage. It’s sad, but there will never be complete trust from my end. My husband is an only child too. So I understand the amount of stress that causes as everything falls on you both.
Go with you gut.

no way I don’t care what age they are!! I can’t believe some of the comments on here that people think it’s ok to leave their children with someone that’s drinking at least a bottle of wine like come on it could be 2 how do you know when nobody is there!! I have an alcoholic mother and my kids are 17, 4 , 2 and 1 and she has never minded the last 3 ever!! I left her in car once while I was shopping and she was paralytic when I came back I cried for a week that I had left two under 2 in a car with her and toddler was out of his seat she had opened it!! My SIL is a police officer and she said if she had been seen in car I would have been in serious trouble I never did it again!!! Please make sure your kids are safe x

If she was an alcoholic who would be drinking during the time she was caring for the kids?

Yes? What difference does it make if it’s the mothers parent or the fathers? You can try and accuse me of sexism all you want but it’s about being a responsible cater and I don’t believe someone who is intoxicated is.

Raise your standards.

My DM was/is a functioning alcoholic. It destroyed my childhood and I live forever resenting my DF for not protecting us better, and that my DC don't have a DGM who can actually ever be left in charge of them. Aggression when challenged about excessive drinking is absolutely characteristic of alcoholics. My DM never gets to the falling down drunk stage but is relentlessly aggressive and gaslighting (everything was "a figment of your imagination"). I will.never subject my DC to this sort of emotional abuse or the witnessing of it.

Stick to your guns OP.

My dad is a functioning alcoholic. I agreed a rule with him before he had DS for the first time that he can't drink when looking after DS. Me and DH did say if he thought he could have just one drink and stop then that's up to him. But if we ever found out he'd been drinking whilst looking after DS we wouldn't give him that opportunity again.

Our children's safety comes first. Your husband should handle this ideally and let your MIL decide what she'd like to do. Sounds like your DH isn't on board though?

If your kids are older I don't think I'd worry as much about safeguarding.

If it's purely them being influenced. My MIL has very strong opinions about how gay couples shouldn't be allowed children and how women shouldn't force themselves to portray 'masculine' energy 🙄. She's a nice person but I have to agree to disagree on a lot of topics. I was worried about the influence she might have on our DC until DH pointed out that DC won't be brought up around those beliefs. The vast majority of the time they'll be exposed to what we believe. But that long term they're going to influenced by things at school/the world, so within reason we can't protect them from everything we disagree with. 🤷

If you think they'll be safe, loved and have a great time with your MIL then I would go for it.

We drink wine at weekends, often a bottle each. When our grandchild stays over, we don’t. Mostly because if there were an emergency, we couldn’t drive.

Does MIL have the children at other times, during the day or babysitting at yours etc?
could you maybe ‘joke’ with her saying ‘but how will you cope without your wine?’ Do you ever have a drink in the evening? Sorry lots of questions.