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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say she can’t look after kids after she’s been drinking?

223 replies

Nololono · 25/04/2023 14:27

Just that really.

I get the feeling that MIL is a functioning alcoholic, drinking a minimum of a bottle of wine each evening, and has done as long as I’ve known her (20+yrs). Her behaviour doesn’t change particularly, other than becoming more annoying, but I don’t want my DC’s to think this is normal?

Shes asked to have the DC’s overnight for the bank hol - DH has no problem with it, as I guess he has had this behaviour all his life, but I am emphatically not allowing it.

It is going to be a problem as DH is only child and adores MiL and will not say anything that might upset her - how do I deal with this without causing a fight?

OP posts:
Arewehumanorarewecupboards · 25/04/2023 15:55

museumum · 25/04/2023 15:49

Don't be ridiculous, you can't be sure you're legally under the limit to drive after one GLASS of wine, yet it would be quite extreme to suggest that any adult shouldn't be allowed to look after children after a glass of wine.

Show quote history

I do agree but this was more aimed at people saying that they function well after a bottle of wine.

Highfivemum · 25/04/2023 15:55

So tricky but their your DC and I would most def be saying no. I had a similar experience a while ago and it did cause a rif but at least I knew my DC a were safe.

Original poster
Nololono · 25/04/2023 15:57

Highfivemum · 25/04/2023 15:55

So tricky but their your DC and I would most def be saying no. I had a similar experience a while ago and it did cause a rif but at least I knew my DC a were safe.

How did you handle it?

OP posts:
SmallFerret · 25/04/2023 15:59

TheyAreMyBhunasPete · 25/04/2023 15:51

That doesn't make sense. Should you only be in charge of a child if you have a car and can drive?

Show quote history

Bhunas, you know the law. This is MN. You are only allowed the privilege of childcare when you are a high earning teetotaller with a degree in nutrition who subscribes to Montessori educational ideals & can make a chicken last her family a week while issuing tinkly laughs at will.

I want a curry now you bugger.
And probs a Wine. It's all your fault, send the kids round they'll be fiiiiiiiiiiine.

PollyAmour · 25/04/2023 15:59

I wouldn't let her have the children overnight. You KNOW she drinks a bottle of wine a every night, openly. What if she drinks more in secret? Alcoholics are not to be trusted.

Suzannargh · 25/04/2023 16:00

WhoBird · 25/04/2023 15:55

If MIL is an alcoholic, that is what is driving a wedge. It is not the responsibility of everyone around her to manage and minimise the problem.

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OP has a feeling MIL might be a functional alcoholic, because she drinks wine at family gatherings and she sometimes sees her buying alcohol when shopping. She also says she can be a bit of a dick regards to her MIL (so she doesn’t like her) and that MIL’s behaviour doesn’t often change after drinking. OP hasn’t mentioned that she thinks MIL would be unsafe, just a bit annoying.

There’s no implication that DH or MIL think she’s an alcoholic or that the drinking is a problem, or that OP thinks MIL’s partner is an alcoholic too.

romdowa · 25/04/2023 16:00

Having grown up with a mother who drank every night , I now have a policy that nobody takes care of my son when they've been drinking. Not a hope in hell. I wouldn't care who it offends either. Listen to your gut

ferneytorro · 25/04/2023 16:01

CandlelightGlow · 25/04/2023 15:12

It's also not just about safety or what if x or y happened and she needed to do something urgently.

It's literally just really uncomfortable being around someone who is inebriated. Their behaviour gets progressively more of whatever it is they do when they drink - more tired, more aggressive, more raucous, whatever. I would just not want my DC to be around it at all.

I'm actually surprised your DH sees nothing wrong with it TBH, growing up with alcoholism in the family has made me more sensitive to it, not less!

Agree with this. My mum used to say really really inappropriate things to me or share inappropriate things when she’d had a drink, thoughts of her saying that stuff to my young teenage daughter makes my blood run cold. My friend once said a child remembers what a drunk parent forgets.

JennyForeigner · 25/04/2023 16:01

SallyWD · 25/04/2023 15:00

Can you say "Only if you don't drink?". I realise that's an incredibly awkward thing to say!

I think there is a way of saying this that isn't or shouldn't be awkward. We have a rule in our house that we take it in turns to not drink more than one - part of looking after kids is that occasional night of getting them to A&E. It shouldn't be an issue to ask that others do the same, or at least - only if your MIL makes it an issue. Which in this case will tell you something about her drinking that you need to know.

Original poster
Nololono · 25/04/2023 16:02

Suzannargh · 25/04/2023 16:00

OP has a feeling MIL might be a functional alcoholic, because she drinks wine at family gatherings and she sometimes sees her buying alcohol when shopping. She also says she can be a bit of a dick regards to her MIL (so she doesn’t like her) and that MIL’s behaviour doesn’t often change after drinking. OP hasn’t mentioned that she thinks MIL would be unsafe, just a bit annoying.

There’s no implication that DH or MIL think she’s an alcoholic or that the drinking is a problem, or that OP thinks MIL’s partner is an alcoholic too.

Show quote history

She literally tells me she drinks a bottle a night?

OP posts:
Dulra · 25/04/2023 16:03

If you can’t legally drive a car after drinking a bottle of wine then you shouldn’t be allowed to look after children either.
Many parents have two or three drinks every now and again once the kids are in bed so are not legally able to drive so you think none of these parents should be looking after their children? How about the parents that go out for a night out and drink a bit too much, should they pay their babysitter to stay the night? I am just curious on this because some of these comments are kind of suggesting that parents should not drink any alcohol when in charge of their kids. Am I right in thinking this?

OP it is very hard to know whether your mil is in a position to mind your children after a few drinks, you know her best and what she's like so go with your gut

CandlelightGlow · 25/04/2023 16:03

Freefall212 · 25/04/2023 15:15

I am not an alcoholic and so her tolerance would be even higher than mine and a bottle of wine over the course of an evening does not make me inebriated in any way that radically impacts my behaviour. It all depends on how alcohol affects an individual. It does give me a bit of a buzz but not a lot more than that.

Show quote history

Not being funny but can you honestly and objectively be the best judge of yourself when under the influence?

My sister is the one who's carried on my dad's behaviour the most and she will do things like repeat herself over and over, or not quite catch the meaning of what's being said, or glaze over with uninterest at normal conversation.

I'm sorry but people who alcohol dependence issues cannot just behave exactly the same while drinking - that's why they drink, to put themselves in some kind of state. It's not the same as a non alcoholic person having 3 glasses of wine over several hours. Someone who has been alcohol dependent for many year simply will not be drinking in a normal pattern.

Comparing non alcoholic consumption and behaviour patterns just doesn't equate.

PollyAmour · 25/04/2023 16:04

I would be honest and upfront about the reason you don't want her looking after your children. Tell her she drinks too much and you are scared for their safety. It might be the very thing to get her to address her drinking.

Dedodee · 25/04/2023 16:07

SmallFerret · 25/04/2023 15:52

OK.

So if a man posted a thread here asking for MN permission to ban his wife's mother from having their kids, you'd say he was at perfect liberty to do so?

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I would.

HangingOver · 25/04/2023 16:08

Recommended intake of alcohol per week is 14 units

Sorry to split hairs here but people always quote this like it's your recommended daily intake of vitamin c or something.

There is no safe amout alcohol. It is not recommended.

Soakitup37 · 25/04/2023 16:11

How old are the dc?

MintIceo · 25/04/2023 16:14

For me it would depends on exactly how it affects her.

As a functioning alcoholic, her tolerance is likely to be much higher so a bottle of wine may not have the same effects as it would an occasional drinker.

Moreover, how quickly does she consume said bottle of wine? A bottle of wine spread across an eveninng into the early night or whatever is not going to make someone drunk to the point of being unable to care for a child, in my opinion. If she's glugging it within a an hour or two that's a different story.

DeflatedAgain · 25/04/2023 16:16

It really depends on how old DC are.

For the most part I would say, no.

If they are older perhaps secondary school age then there's a bit of flexibility.

Difficult situation for you OP.

NewtonsCradle · 25/04/2023 16:26

SmallFerret · 25/04/2023 15:03

It is going to be a problem as DH is only child and adores MiL and will not say anything that might upset her - how do I deal with this without causing a fight?

You can't deal with this without causing a fight.
Until DH & you are on the same page, all that will happen is that DH will blame you for any fallout, MiL will continue to drink to her usual tolerance (or lie about it - how are you going to know?) & you will be cast as the controlling bully who is undermining MiL's relationship with her GC.

DC's are your DH's children too.
If he reckons it's fine for them to stay with his heavy drinking mother, he has a right to act on that decision.

You feel otherwise, & there is no magic wand you can wave that will get all 3 adults here what they want.
You want MiL to choose no drinking or no overnight stays.
MiL will feel her drinking is reasonable & doesn't affect her judgement.
DH wants a quiet life where mummy gets her own way & his wife complies to keep the peace.

There is no way of achieving resolution here by talking to MiL. It's DH you need to work on. Possibly your 'best' option is to decide to be unafraid of any resultant fight, & insist on no overnights for MiL (as you cannot police her drinking remotely). So that depends on what you feel most strongly about - your DC never seeing MiL drink while in sole charge of them, or keeping the peace.

Completely agree. Trying to talk to MiL about her drinking will end in disaster.

I don't have a strong opinion either way, I grew up with parents who were heavy drinkers and I never thought heavy drinking is/was normal so I wouldn't worry about your children seeing drinking as a behaviour to emulate.

WhoBird · 25/04/2023 16:29

No, the DH doesn’t have the right to decide that someone with a drinking problem (if that is the case) is allowed to look after his children and social services would agree.

im not suggesting that this is escalated to that level btw! I’m just saying that this is something that is treated seriously and you don’t have the right to put your child at risk of harm.

FotheringtonThomasMinor · 25/04/2023 16:30

Nololono · 25/04/2023 15:35

Thank you x

me being a nosy bitch, but what made you stop? This is obviously none of my business, so apologies if I’ve made you uncomfortable by asking x

Show quote history

Not uncomfortable at all.

It started when I was at an early stage of my career working in the city, back when people used to say things like "work hard, play hard" 😭 My team would go out for drinks most nights and it was really normal to drink at least a bottle of wine or equivalent. Carried on for a couple of years then got together with DH, so I was keener to get home than go out, but at that point drinking a bottle of wine just seemed normal (and DH drank a lot too) so carried on. However, after a while it caught up with me and I started to feel rough in the mornings (having previously been hangover-free- the joy of being in one's 20s) and I realised it had become a habit, so I stopped completely. It wasn't a big deal and it wasn't especially hard- it was a habit but not an addiction as I was lucky enough to stop before I'd developed physical dependence. This was all years ago- now I don't drink at all and DH drinks the odd glass here and there- much healthier!

Not sure that's much help in relation to your MIL though.

sylvandweller · 25/04/2023 16:32

Alcoholism is slow motion suicide

Why would you put your kids through that?

No way would I agree to this.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 25/04/2023 16:36

It'd be a no from me and I'd have the conversation with DH. He may not see anything wrong with it, but there is. No one needs to drink a bottle of wine a night, that is definitely alcoholic.

KitKatLove · 25/04/2023 16:41

Can’t your MIL come over to you and babysit instead?

Coffeetree · 25/04/2023 16:42

HangingOver · 25/04/2023 16:08

Recommended intake of alcohol per week is 14 units

Sorry to split hairs here but people always quote this like it's your recommended daily intake of vitamin c or something.

There is no safe amout alcohol. It is not recommended.

Exactly.

OP imagine you were looking after a friend's kids for the evening. Imagine the friend said, "By the way, could you not drink any alcohol when they're there? We just do feel comfortable with that."

Your reaction would be "Of course, not an issue at all". It's a beverage, no big deal.

Any other reaction is indicative of drinking problem.

Just tell her no, kids won't be staying. Your husband needs therapy.

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