To say she can’t look after kids after she’s been drinking?

[Nololono]

Just that really.

I get the feeling that MIL is a functioning alcoholic, drinking a minimum of a bottle of wine each evening, and has done as long as I’ve known her (20+yrs). Her behaviour doesn’t change particularly, other than becoming more annoying, but I don’t want my DC’s to think this is normal?

Shes asked to have the DC’s overnight for the bank hol - DH has no problem with it, as I guess he has had this behaviour all his life, but I am emphatically not allowing it.

It is going to be a problem as DH is only child and adores MiL and will not say anything that might upset her - how do I deal with this without causing a fight?

I don't know why you are conflating the issue of equal rights to parenting decisions with condoning having DC in the charge of drunks.

Or how you think OP is going to be able to enforce her wish to not have MiL in sole charge of her DC of her H does not agree. You, she & I might agree that it's unwise, & want to ban it, but as OP's H feels otherwise, it's unlikely that OP will be able to enforce her wishes.

Eh? Because that’s what YOU did! You responded to me asking would I feel the same if the roles were reverends and I said yes of course, it’s not about whose parent it is? Reread your own comments

And don’t be ridiculous, no one is entitled to look after your children for a night? It’s very worrying that you think that her husband can just give his mother her children for the night. Of course he can’t! Of course she can stop them staying at her mother in laws. Why on Earth would her mother in law have that right?! Seriously concerning that you think that way.

You are still conflating.
I asked about reversing the roles of each sex here, & you responded with something about condoning drunks. I was asking you to consider why you think a mother can ban something a father wants to do - as a separate concept from the whole drinking issue. You took that as carte blanche to confuse the role reversal concept with condoning drunkeness.

So to make it clear - I have no issue with MiL being banned from sole care due to her drunkenness. What I was asking is why you feel that ban can be imposed, when one spouse says it's a problem, & the other spouse believes the opposite.

It’s very worrying that you think that her husband can just give his mother her children for the night.
It's very worrying that you think a father gets no say over his own children's care.
Removing the issue of MiL's drinking -what makes you believe that a woman gets 100% veto over her H's parenting preferences?

Of course he can’t!
You may think so, but the legal system disagrees.
Unless you can show me the legislation that backs up your view that a father isn't allowed to have his kids stay with his mother, just because his wife says no?

Of course she can stop them staying at her mother in laws.
How?
Why on Earth would her mother in law have that right?!
She doesn't. The childrens' FATHER has that right.
Seriously concerning that you think that way.
How so?

OP's best option is to convince her H of the harm that could befall the DC by MiL's excessive drinking, & get him to see that it's not normal - he probably believes it's harmless because it WAS his normal, if MiL drank a bottle a night when he was a kid.

If he refuses to come round to OP's view, she then needs to consult with professionals & hope he will listen to them. Starting with the GP to ask for the most appropriate service to advise her on her concerns would be helpful, so she can get expert opinion & back-up to help her H see her point of view.

Short of that, there's not a lot she can do. Threatening to LTB won't help - he'll likely farm the kids out to MiL on his watch anyway. Knowing she is right won't help - no matter how many PP fulminate that she has the 'right' to prevent her H taking his own kids to his own mother. It's him she needs to convince - not his mother.

Seriously stop reaching and looking for an argument where this isn’t one. I haven’t said anything about a fathers role in looking after his kids, I have said he can’t force the mother to let her children go and stay at a relatives house over night. I also believe that if the roles were reversed, it would be the same outcome, the mother couldn’t do that either. And I don’t believe a mother has the sole say in childcare, I don’t care if it’s the mother saying no or the father, as I said originally when you tried to make this into an argument, my response would be the same either way.

NO PARENT HAS THE RIGHT TO ALLOW A RELATIVE TO HAVE THEIR KIDS OVERNIGHT. That’s not a fucking right. It just isn’t, the fact that you think it is is not o my wrong but concerning. Stop saying that it’s anything to do with a fathers ‘right’ because it isn’t.

I’m not engaging with your narrative anymore, you’re putting words into my mouth and inventing a weird argument just to have a drama.

I’m not engaging with your narrative anymore, you’re putting words into my mouth and inventing a weird argument just to have a drama.

No drama here, just a 100% agreement that disengagement is a good plan. Enjoy your weekend.

SmallFerret

It’s very worrying that you think that her husband can just give his mother her children for the night.
It's very worrying that you think a father gets no say over his own children's care.
Removing the issue of MiL's drinking -what makes you believe that a woman gets 100% veto over her H's parenting preferences?”

What a stupid argument. How can you remove the issue of MIL’s drinking? That’s the whole point.

A "standard drink" is 10 grams of alcohol, which is about 100mL of wine. If you want to keep your blood alcohol level legal for driving (at least where I am, where It's 0.05%) you can't have more than one standard drink per hour.

It's a also a fair indicator that MIL's judgement is impaired in the evenings, if she is exceeding these levels.

What a stupid argument. How can you remove the issue of MIL’s drinking? That’s the whole point.

Not when the point being made is that - whether MiL is a teetotaller or a certified alcoholic - OP has no 'right' ie legal ability to restrict her husband's choice to take his DC to his mother's & leave them in her sole care.

We might wish it were so, but it's not illegal to be drunk in charge of children.
That is the entire point.
OP would need to go to court, with evidence & documented medical opinion that MiL's drinking presented risk if she wanted to 'ban' visits - obviously the better choice is to use persuasion, & convince her DH what a bad idea it is to allow MiL solo care.

I reckon that you tell dh that he can go stay with his mother and the dc and that is the only way you feel safe.

Plus it is nice.time he can spend with his mum when the kids are in bed (providing he doesn't get drunk.also)

Label on a bottle of red wine - 8.3 standard drinks

The OP "diagnosed" her as a functioning alcoholic. It doesnt mean she actually is.

I dont know OP. in my culture, drinking a bottle of wine at dinner is pretty usual.. I can definitely say that ti wouldnt affect me much. And id still be able to get to the hospital (I dont have a car, so I wouldnt be driving anyway).

And your children wont think its normal from being there 1 night.

If she has drunk a bottle of wine a night for years, surely this wouldn't make her drunk as in she would be used to it?
I enjoy a glass of wine nightly, However whenever I look after my baby granddaughter overnight I don't drink at all just in case I have to react in an emergency/ drive somewhere.

No. Someone who drinks a lot may be able to look less drunk, but they are just as impaired in reaction time and decision making.

IMO, if someone would be arrested for driving, they have no business babysitting.

And a bottle of wine would definitely be an arrest situation.

You'd seriously let your kids stay overnight with a drunk?

And your children wont think its normal from being there 1 night.

But their children have already shown discomfort around the MIL when she has been drinking which seems to be something some posters aren’t taking into account. They’re old enough to know and feel uncomfortable and that’s more than enough reason it should be a no.

Besides if MIL isn’t an alcoholic or dependent on drinking, she should be able to go without for a single night for her grandchildren.

So drinking a bottle to yourself is normal?

It takes more to appear drunk but you're still drunk. With impaired reactions from physical ones to responses to speaking my sil has been one for years and drove she had accidents and got caught

I’ve given this a lot of thought and ultimately you have to go with your gut instinct. It’s important that you make the right decision for you LOs. You are not saying she can’t see them or that she can’t have a relationship with them you are just doing what you feel is right.

Imagine if one of the LOs had an accident - how would you and DH feel knowing you had put them in the position knowing what you know. And that also goes for protecting your MIL she would be devastated if something happened when she had them.

I'm a bit torn, as I prob wouldn't let her look after the kids either.

But then me and DH often have 2 bottles between us on a Friday or Saturday night with a 6 and 2 year old upstairs in bed...

My mum is an alcoholic (although doesn't drink now as too unwell). When she used to drink a night off would be just drinking less. So she'd have a couple of beers instead of a skinful. Just to be mindful that 'not having a drink' means different things to different purple.

This would be an ideal situation, except for the fact that, when we’re together in the evenings, MIL encourages DH to drink way more than he usually would. Usually followed by a comment like “I’m so naughty, aren’t I?”

So I’d probably have to go with them as they’d both be a mess

I very rarely drink at home, only if I have friends rounds for a drink and that's only a couple of times a year so I would never have someone who drinks that much as a standard being responsible for my son, hell no!!!