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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for not knowing how to say ‘I’m disappointed’?

224 replies

SarahDippity · 22/04/2023 00:49

Does ‘I’m disappointed’ always sound like an admonishment of the other person?

I arranged with a friend to go see a matinee show followed by dinner as our mutual birthday gifts. We agreed the date, I booked the tickets, and she sent me the money for hers.

She messaged me yesterday to say ‘can only stay for a quick drink after as I was invited to XYZ and I’d feel bad if I said no.’

The date has been in the diary for two months, and I’m left feeling narked and a bit dumped, with a Saturday evening on my own (kids are on EOW with their dad.)

so my AIBU is:
YANBU:
It’s okay to say ‘I’m disappointed you are opting out of dinner to do something else as I feel you are leaving me Billy no mates when it’s too late to make alternative plans, and you clearly feel okay about this’
or
YABU:
It’s not okay as me expressing I’m disappointed makes the other person feel bad, creates a tension going to the show at all, and she isn’t going to suddenly change her mind back anyways

OP posts:
Nutsabouttopic · 22/04/2023 00:59

YANBU She doesn't feel bad letting you down. She had a prior arrangement with you but now "a better offer" has come along she has decided to just drop you with very little notice. I would text her and let her know how you feel.

Incognitopah · 22/04/2023 01:04

YANBU but Id probably say something along the lines of “that’s a bit shit, I’d been looking forward to this since we arranged it 2 months ago” as would also be concerned “im disappointed in you” could come across a bit combative….depends on your relationship i guess
can you all do the second plan together? I

mycatsanutter · 22/04/2023 01:11

She didn't have any qualms about letting you down so neither should you bear around the bush , message back ' oh that's a shame I thought we had already agreed dinner after ?'

WineIsMyMainVice · 22/04/2023 01:13

Ooo that’s a tough one (as in how to respond!)
I am definitely thinking yanbu. But how you reply depends on your relationship really.
Hope you have a good time at the matinee however it works out….

HeidiIou · 22/04/2023 07:59

Is she still seeing the matinee performance and dinner as planned?

Original poster
SarahDippity · 22/04/2023 09:36

HeidiIou · 22/04/2023 07:59

Is she still seeing the matinee performance and dinner as planned?

Only the matinee. She has alternative dinner plans now.

OP posts:
Newusernameaug · 22/04/2023 09:42

Yeah it’s shorty of her and I’d say something otherwsie I’d only be angry at her and not want to see or speak to her again…. Now will be a good test to see if you truly are friends or not. My closest friends are those that I’ve had disagreements with, we’ve both listened to each other’s view points and apologised where needed and learned and moved on

NoSquirrels · 22/04/2023 09:45

‘can only stay for a quick drink after as I was invited to XYZ and I’d feel bad if I said no.’

think you should say ‘Oh! I thought we’d agreed to have dinner together? I feel a bit bad about you changing the plans, actually.’

YellowGreenBlue · 22/04/2023 09:45

I think it's ok for you to express that you are disappointed, but I do find the wording in your OP a bit like you are telling off a child. How about something more straightforward like "Oh - gutted! I was really looking forward to dinner together like we planned".

trickyfriendsone · 22/04/2023 09:48

I don't think it's wrong to say you're disappointed you could world it as
"Oh that's disappointing, I was looking forward to dinner, drinks and a catch up since my kids are away"

PussBilledDuckyPlait · 22/04/2023 09:48

If you want to avoid an admonishing tone, express your disappointment as you feel it:

"Oh, no! I've been looking forward to this for weeks! Is there really no way you can come to the dinner?"

BigTedLittleTedCardboardBox · 22/04/2023 09:48

NoSquirrels · 22/04/2023 09:45

‘can only stay for a quick drink after as I was invited to XYZ and I’d feel bad if I said no.’

think you should say ‘Oh! I thought we’d agreed to have dinner together? I feel a bit bad about you changing the plans, actually.’

I like this. Expresses your disappointment and highlights her shit behaviour.

Houseplantmad · 22/04/2023 09:50

Just say “but we’d made plans ages ago for dinner afterwards and I’ve made arrangements so I could see you properly”. and see what she says.

DarkDarkNight · 22/04/2023 09:53

I would definitely text along the lines that you were looking forward to theatre and dinner as planned. To say at this stage she can only stay for a quick drink as she’s been invited elsewhere and she feels bad not to go is shitty behaviour. I would take from that she doesn’t feel bad about not having dinner with you.

I probably wouldn’t push it as do you really want a rushed dinner where she’s feeling resentful and looking to make a quick getaway? But I would absolutely let her know the dinner was part of the plan and she has essentially dumped you for a better offer.

Eggseggseverywhere · 22/04/2023 09:54

Tbh I would throw my toys out the pram and cancel. You are clearly a tier 2 friend.

PussBilledDuckyPlait · 22/04/2023 09:57

I know it's not the point of the thread, but is there another friend you could spend the evening with instead?

Twinedpeaks · 22/04/2023 09:58

Houseplantmad · 22/04/2023 09:50

Just say “but we’d made plans ages ago for dinner afterwards and I’ve made arrangements so I could see you properly”. and see what she says.

This is the best option. The alternative being to switch to lunch if her alternate plans are something she genuinely should be attending rather than preference

Isthisexpected · 22/04/2023 09:58

I would go along but not arrange anything with her again. If she suggests something I'd say how disappointed I was to have been dropped for a better offer last time. There's no point saying anything now; she'll just put her inability to say no onto you (try to make you out to be the bad one for making her feel bad at trying to be kind to the other person). This will only create an atmosphere.

Thelastofbus · 22/04/2023 10:00

That’s really shit of her. I would absolutely not just say ‘that’s fine’. I wouldn’t lay it on too thick but I would say “that’s a shame, I thought we’d planned to go out for dinner, I’d have booked us another date if I’d have know that you couldn’t make dinner on this date”

Albaniarocks · 22/04/2023 10:02

Just say - "no need to feel bad, just explain to them that we had made dinner plans 2 months ago and so it would be rude to let me down".

HyuNis · 22/04/2023 10:03

I would say Oh I thought we had arranged to go for dinner afterwards? I've arranged my weekend around that.

Make it seem as though you're still intending it going ahead. Don't give her an easy way out

blitzen · 22/04/2023 10:03

YANBU

Can you sack her off for the drink?

mistermagpie · 22/04/2023 10:04

I think there is a difference in saying:

'oh that's disappointing, I had been looking forward to spending some proper time with you' (or whatever), compared to...

'oh, I'm disappointed in you, I had been looking forward to spending some proper time with you'

The first one is quite neutral and about your feelings and I think it's fine to say that. The second is maybe a bit more combative and will probably get her back up, even though she's in the wrong.

Marchintospring · 22/04/2023 10:05

trickyfriendsone · 22/04/2023 09:48

I don't think it's wrong to say you're disappointed you could world it as
"Oh that's disappointing, I was looking forward to dinner, drinks and a catch up since my kids are away"

Say something. If she’s a friend she’ll get it. You’ve got a rare night without the kids planned with a her for months .
She might have a genuine reason to go to dinner elsewhere because life happens but probably she feels theatre is “enough”. Which would make her a shit best mate. She needs to explicitly understand that she’s letting you down which she might not have twigged.

Isthisexpected · 22/04/2023 10:06

Just say - "no need to feel bad, just explain to them that we had made dinner plans 2 months ago and so it would be rude to let me down".

^ well this will make her squirm but not sure if the outcome will be conductive to a fun night!

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