AIBU for not knowing how to say ‘I’m disappointed’?

[SarahDippity]

Does ‘I’m disappointed’ always sound like an admonishment of the other person?

I arranged with a friend to go see a matinee show followed by dinner as our mutual birthday gifts. We agreed the date, I booked the tickets, and she sent me the money for hers.

She messaged me yesterday to say ‘can only stay for a quick drink after as I was invited to XYZ and I’d feel bad if I said no.’

The date has been in the diary for two months, and I’m left feeling narked and a bit dumped, with a Saturday evening on my own (kids are on EOW with their dad.)

so my AIBU is:
YANBU:
It’s okay to say ‘I’m disappointed you are opting out of dinner to do something else as I feel you are leaving me Billy no mates when it’s too late to make alternative plans, and you clearly feel okay about this’
or
YABU:
It’s not okay as me expressing I’m disappointed makes the other person feel bad, creates a tension going to the show at all, and she isn’t going to suddenly change her mind back anyways

If you don't want an atmosphere for the time you are together, I'd go softer.
'Oh, that would be a shame, I thought we were making a night of it for our birthdays...?'

That’s horrible OP. I wouldn’t even want to go to the show with her. Is there someone else who could have her ticket? Shit rude friend 😡

I voted YABU because you said vote that way if you feel it will make tension ect.

However YANBU to feel pissed off.

Thing is; if you say something to make her change he plans back, no matter how sweetly you've said it, you risk having the whole atmos of the thing ruined. She wanted to be somewhere else but you pushed ... y'know? So if it was me i'd let it go but wouldn't rely on her ever again.

Whatever you write, your message needs to make it quite clear dinner was an established plan made long ago, rather than a vague expectation.

I'm another who would throw my toys out the pram. Theatre and dinner is a big day/evening out and to not feel bad about cutting it short says to me she doesn't see you as a friend more as a someone to do something with when no one else will.

I'd cancel, ring the theatre and rebook my ticket citing "family emergency" (theatres are very accomodating at rearranging I've found) and get someone else to go with you on a future date.

I hate being cancelled on for a "better" offer though, it's unbelievably rude.

She doesn’t feel bad dumping you and the plans you have had for months though. That’s really shitty of her.

I’d be annoyed rather than disappointed.

I just wouldn't want to try and do something fun with someone knowing i'd had to railroad them into sticking with the plan. It's spoiled already.

She's a shit friend who thinks she got a better offer. Why are you worried about how you word your disappointment? She's clearly gives zero fucks about letting you down on something booked months ago.

If she said "She messaged me yesterday to say ‘can only stay for a quick drink after as I was invited to XYZ and I’d feel bad if I said no.’" I would answer with "Interesting you dont feel bad for cancelling our plans".
I dont actually understand this as why does it make her feel bad to tell someone you cant do evening x because you have planned something else for that day.

Agree on calling the theatre to rebook.

What are your feelings towards her now op? I wouldn’t be willing to make plans with her again in the future, therefore I’d find her pointless as a friend now. She’s rude and doesn’t care about you that much. I’m wondering if she’d have cancelled the whole night if you didn’t have the theatre booked. If you do decide to go ahead I’d probably not even say anything because it’ll just be awkward for the little bit of time you’re actually spending together. But if possible I’d probably cancel the whole night and find something to do with someone who actually wants to

Ugh I'd be annoyed and offended by this too. Being candid as I am, I couldn't just give her the 'ok no problem' response that she is clearly anticipating. I would be careful in my wording however as these situations can turn sour quickly. People who assume priority in a relationship like this do not take kindly to being called out. They will tend to make it your problem...easier than owning their selfish behaviour.

"Honestly? I was looking forward to dinner too. Bit sad about that."

It's honest, polite and not accusatory at all. See what she comes back with.

That's outrageous on her part. I'd be so upset and pissed off. If you get invited to something and already have plans you say 'that sounds great and thank you for inviting me but I already have plans, let's arrange something soon'.
You'd be within your rights to let her know your feelings.

I think I’d rebook my ticket too! It does smack of “don’t want to let someone important down, so your feelings don’t matter….”

I nodded along to both your YANBU and your YABU statements. I can see why you're so hurt. I can imagine she is picturing it that she is keeping both of you happy and there should be a way to make it known that she really, really isn't.

Hoping someone will be along in a minute to give you the perfect solution.

For me, it would depend on what the XYZ was. Something like the big birthday of a close relative/friend, I could forgive. A mercy dash to a mate whose husband has recently left her and who is facing a weekend alone, I could forgive.

But if it was just “dinner with friends from school” or something vague like that, I’d definitely feel like a Tier 2 friend and would be rethinking the relationship.

It is also possible that there is actually no XYZ… that she values your friendship but wants to scale back on the scope and expense of the celebration.

Agree with others - there are better ways to say it than as if you're telling off a teenager.
Can she make lunch before the show?

I'm abit confused about the YABU/YANBU. I took it as YABU to not know to tell your friend you're disappointed. IMO YABU to not know how to tell your friend. You need to know that what she has done is totally unacceptable. She has completely disregarded your feelings when she dropped you, why should you care about hers?
Why can she say "no" easily to you, yet not to this other person? I have a feeling it is because you are too soft with her, this is further evidenced by this post.
Please stand up for yourself op, you are bloody disappointed, and rightly so, articulate your feelings unfiltered, and as they are; no real decent friend would treat somebody this way.

This this this

I class 'disappointed' in somebody as you viewed them in a light where they would behave better towards you. In other words they have behaved what you deem as out of character, and in a way you don't like. I don't see anything wrong with expressing that.

She’s a dick.

Oh yes I do like this. Harsh but fair.
If you're prepared to stand your ground on this one it's a great response.

Is there anyone else who would like her ticket instead? I’d cancel going with her, and mentally knock the friendship on the head. On the other hand, I don’t have many friends left at this stage of my life as I have quite high standards, so you might not want to take my advice !

I would message to say ..”Oh no, that’s really disappointing you can’t make dinner as planned…see you xyz time as usual.” and leave it at that.
But you now know about her adjustment in priorities so you need to make similarities adjustments in your expectations of her. She’s flaky when something she deems better comes along. Remember that for the future.
YANBU to be disappointed so you can express that disappointment to her in your response to her message.
But YWBU to say anything more.

I think it’s quite manipulative - you shouldn’t have to manipulate someone into spending time with you.