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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for not knowing how to say ‘I’m disappointed’?

224 replies

SarahDippity · 22/04/2023 00:49

Does ‘I’m disappointed’ always sound like an admonishment of the other person?

I arranged with a friend to go see a matinee show followed by dinner as our mutual birthday gifts. We agreed the date, I booked the tickets, and she sent me the money for hers.

She messaged me yesterday to say ‘can only stay for a quick drink after as I was invited to XYZ and I’d feel bad if I said no.’

The date has been in the diary for two months, and I’m left feeling narked and a bit dumped, with a Saturday evening on my own (kids are on EOW with their dad.)

so my AIBU is:
YANBU:
It’s okay to say ‘I’m disappointed you are opting out of dinner to do something else as I feel you are leaving me Billy no mates when it’s too late to make alternative plans, and you clearly feel okay about this’
or
YABU:
It’s not okay as me expressing I’m disappointed makes the other person feel bad, creates a tension going to the show at all, and she isn’t going to suddenly change her mind back anyways

OP posts:
Cornchip · 22/04/2023 16:04

HamsterOfDoom · 22/04/2023 10:28

Is there anyone else who would like her ticket instead? I’d cancel going with her, and mentally knock the friendship on the head. On the other hand, I don’t have many friends left at this stage of my life as I have quite high standards, so you might not want to take my advice !

I’d do this as well tbh.

I wouldn’t be begging for her to reconsider the dinner or expressing “disappointment”.

I’d either get someone else to go/rebook/sell my ticket and do something else. Even if it was sitting in and watching a few films.

I would not be going with someone who’s sacked me off to go out with someone else. She’s a shit friend, not worth keeping around. Sack her off and let her lie in the bed she’s made.

Mrsgreen100 · 22/04/2023 16:18

Is she strapped for cash possibly?
if not I would
a, change the ticket
b, go with someone else

notanotherdayofthisshit · 22/04/2023 16:28

I'd go with something like "oh that's such a shame, I was really looking forward to our tea out as planned". That's a clear communication of disappointment, without saying "I'm disappointed with you", which sounds a bit attacking imo.

Thesharkradar · 22/04/2023 16:31

you're clearly at the bottom of her list OP, that would be my cue to put her at the bottom of MY list!

rookiemere · 22/04/2023 16:32

OP is presumably at the show now, providing "friend" eventually turned up.

MysteryBelle · 22/04/2023 16:40

She’s kind of ruined the outing by dumping long arranged plans to have dinner with you, something you two do every year, to attend a fundraiser to please someone more important to her.

Clearly she wants to see the show but doesn’t want to spend time with you at dinner after. Canceled on dinner two days before.

It would be hard for me personally to enjoy the show with her but I think the best thing to do is what you decided, go ahead and see the show with her, when she takes her leave and pretends to be sorry she’s not going to dinner, say one of the excellent suggestions given by previous posters. Gracious and using a tone that is not aggrieved in any way but very lightly gets the point across without any hint of admonishment or complaint etc.

Then, drop her. She is not a good friend. I would go radio silence on her. It is very rude what she did.

pictoosh · 22/04/2023 16:54

Sports fundraiser. She's got FOMO and she wants to spend the evening with her local mum pals instead of with you as arranged.
Sports fundraiser my arse.

stayathomer · 22/04/2023 17:01

Is there not a middle ground? Like a that’s a pity, I was looking forward to it-I don’t think there’s a need to hammer in the stake with the ‘you’ve made me feel bad’- it’s inferred if you just say you were looking forward to it

Original poster
SarahDippity · 22/04/2023 17:54

So a quick update:

i decided I wouldn’t bring up the changed arrangements, and would wait for her to. The afternoon passed fine, then on the way home, she said ‘will we stop in for a quick drink?’ and I said no, just home, thanks for the lift. She was all surprised and said ‘I thought we were going for a drink!’ and I said ‘I thought we were going for dinner, so when you cancelled I made other plans. I’d looked forward to it, and it was late notice, but luckily X is free. I’d have been really fed up otherwise.’

OP posts:
Original poster
SarahDippity · 22/04/2023 17:55

Someone above mentioned they thought it strange that I couldn’t enjoy an evening in my own company - an odd extrapolation.

OP posts:
WimpoleHat · 22/04/2023 17:57

Well done, OP - I think that made the point nicely. Hope you enjoyed your afternoon and the show.

Twinedpeaks · 22/04/2023 17:58

How did she react to that Op? I think you've let her off pretty easy!

Original poster
SarahDippity · 22/04/2023 18:03

Twinedpeaks · 22/04/2023 17:58

How did she react to that Op? I think you've let her off pretty easy!

I agree; I didn’t really trust myself to say more. She was a bit surprised and put out about it, but I wasn’t apologetic, just neutral.

OP posts:
EmmaEmerald · 22/04/2023 18:04

SarahDippity · 22/04/2023 18:03

I agree; I didn’t really trust myself to say more. She was a bit surprised and put out about it, but I wasn’t apologetic, just neutral.

Show quote history

She's got no right to be put out. Hrmph.

PinkCast · 22/04/2023 18:07

She's put out that you didn't want to go for a drink when she bailed on you for dinner, that's done cheek!!

PinkCast · 22/04/2023 18:07

*some cheek!

Original poster
SarahDippity · 22/04/2023 18:10

PinkCast · 22/04/2023 18:07

She's put out that you didn't want to go for a drink when she bailed on you for dinner, that's done cheek!!

Exactly

OP posts:
pictoosh · 22/04/2023 18:10

Great response.

Original poster
SarahDippity · 22/04/2023 18:11

EmmaEmerald · 22/04/2023 18:04

She's got no right to be put out. Hrmph.

Show quote history

I agree, I imagine she feels it’s completely different for her to do it v for me to do it.

OP posts:
Original poster
SarahDippity · 22/04/2023 18:13

pictoosh · 22/04/2023 18:10

Great response.

Thanks, I am glad I got a chance at the end of the outing, as I hadn’t tackled it head-on

OP posts:
Clymene · 22/04/2023 18:17

SarahDippity · 22/04/2023 17:54

So a quick update:

i decided I wouldn’t bring up the changed arrangements, and would wait for her to. The afternoon passed fine, then on the way home, she said ‘will we stop in for a quick drink?’ and I said no, just home, thanks for the lift. She was all surprised and said ‘I thought we were going for a drink!’ and I said ‘I thought we were going for dinner, so when you cancelled I made other plans. I’d looked forward to it, and it was late notice, but luckily X is free. I’d have been really fed up otherwise.’

Brava 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

pictoosh · 22/04/2023 18:20

Yes, she's used to being the more important one I think. She probably thought she was being a good pal by still honouring the quick drink. You were meant to be content with that so she could take up the better offer guilt free. That you sacked her off to see someone else and expressed annoyance will have come as a surprise. Heh.

BellaJuno · 22/04/2023 18:32

pictoosh · 22/04/2023 18:20

Yes, she's used to being the more important one I think. She probably thought she was being a good pal by still honouring the quick drink. You were meant to be content with that so she could take up the better offer guilt free. That you sacked her off to see someone else and expressed annoyance will have come as a surprise. Heh.

Agree with this, she sounds surprised that you weren’t just going to put up with her unilaterally changing the plans to suit herself. Well handled OP!

MysteryBelle · 22/04/2023 18:33

SarahDippity · 22/04/2023 17:54

So a quick update:

i decided I wouldn’t bring up the changed arrangements, and would wait for her to. The afternoon passed fine, then on the way home, she said ‘will we stop in for a quick drink?’ and I said no, just home, thanks for the lift. She was all surprised and said ‘I thought we were going for a drink!’ and I said ‘I thought we were going for dinner, so when you cancelled I made other plans. I’d looked forward to it, and it was late notice, but luckily X is free. I’d have been really fed up otherwise.’

Excellent. Well done op! I mean, you really handled it perfectly.

EmmaEmerald · 22/04/2023 19:04

pictoosh · 22/04/2023 18:20

Yes, she's used to being the more important one I think. She probably thought she was being a good pal by still honouring the quick drink. You were meant to be content with that so she could take up the better offer guilt free. That you sacked her off to see someone else and expressed annoyance will have come as a surprise. Heh.

I find this so odd

A former friend once arranged lunch and matinee

I arrived in central London to a text that said "decided to go shopping, can you grab a sandwich for both of us and I'll meet you at the theatre in 2 hours". I was stunned. I rang her and said how rude that was and was met with a barrage of "oh but there's sales on in x, y, z and I couldn't text you before because I didn't know".

We had words and the friendship continued on a better footing - that wasn't the only time she was like that before - but then when my dad was dying, she kept badgering me to go out on the town because "it'll make you feel better". After a particularly aggressive text from her saying that this could go on for weeks and "you can't just not go out" I ended the friendship. I was literally sitting in a chair next to dad who was quietly suffering.

I did actually spend months by his side. No one else complained. The thing is, I have a feeling if it was her mum, she'd be outraged at being talked to like that. It's like she exists in a different way, like she deserves consideration but others don't.

I can't get my head round it, but here on MN people seem to see it as a thing that happens a lot. I must have been very naive.

OP if your friend has form, this might not be the last time. I hope you enjoyed the show.