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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for not knowing how to say ‘I’m disappointed’?

224 replies

SarahDippity · 22/04/2023 00:49

Does ‘I’m disappointed’ always sound like an admonishment of the other person?

I arranged with a friend to go see a matinee show followed by dinner as our mutual birthday gifts. We agreed the date, I booked the tickets, and she sent me the money for hers.

She messaged me yesterday to say ‘can only stay for a quick drink after as I was invited to XYZ and I’d feel bad if I said no.’

The date has been in the diary for two months, and I’m left feeling narked and a bit dumped, with a Saturday evening on my own (kids are on EOW with their dad.)

so my AIBU is:
YANBU:
It’s okay to say ‘I’m disappointed you are opting out of dinner to do something else as I feel you are leaving me Billy no mates when it’s too late to make alternative plans, and you clearly feel okay about this’
or
YABU:
It’s not okay as me expressing I’m disappointed makes the other person feel bad, creates a tension going to the show at all, and she isn’t going to suddenly change her mind back anyways

OP posts:
Phoebo · 22/04/2023 12:13

I'd probably think it's more appropriate to say you're a bit pissed off or annoyed! Saying you're disappointed sounds like a parent or a teacher, but maybe that's just me

Phoebo · 22/04/2023 12:15

Wingingit11 · 22/04/2023 12:08

I think this is perfect. Delivers the message without making the matinee awkward

Show quote history

Actually this sounds much better, somehow that's disappointing sounds less patronising. It really depends how you speak, I'd probably say I was gutted.

Original poster
SarahDippity · 22/04/2023 12:24

Thanks so much for all the thoughtful replies.

I agree that language and tone can be hard to get right and I was struggling to word this. I drafted texts that I knew were only going to make things worse, but I was wondering why it was me agonising over the wording at all.

Part of the challenge is that since my separation/divorce, I’m really black-and-white about my free time. I know all my dates well in advance so when I put something in the calendar, it’s locked in, and if I’m not free, I decline invitations early. That’s why I was doubting my level of upset; I know not everyone is as rigid.

To answer a few questions:

  • bringing someone else to the matinee wasn’t really on the cards, as she had paid me for her ticket
  • yes, she still really wants to see the show
  • it’s a short run show, a touring production, and I’ve no other free dates to go see it *the event she is going to is not long lost relatives or a last supper; it’s a sports club fundraiser

I slept on it, and decided to go with her anyway, and when she says, as I know she will, ‘it’s a pity about later, I’d have loved to … but this other thing…’ I will say ‘…’ - I’ll read over your suggestions above for wording!!

At least it was 48 hours notice, and I’ve arranged something else to do tonight.

im going now at 12.45 and will report back!

OP posts:
OnGoldenPond · 22/04/2023 12:26

FrenchandSaunders · 22/04/2023 10:07

That’s horrible OP. I wouldn’t even want to go to the show with her. Is there someone else who could have her ticket? Shit rude friend 😡

Absolutely this OP! Really rude of her and I would be looking to spend my evening with someone who values my company.

Original poster
SarahDippity · 22/04/2023 12:29

WhatASillyPredicament · 22/04/2023 11:40

*'My point is - what's the point? I would no longer want her to be my friend. So she's not worth my anger nor any drama nor any passive aggression.

I choose my arguments. I don't have many because so few people are worth getting annoyed about (for me).'*

IMO the point is that op and her friend weren't simply acquaintances. They spent every birthday together, making plans well in advance. This sounds like worth getting annoyed about, and blatantly op is, hence her thread. Op expected better, and must have liked this friend. I think it can work well to get your feelings off your chest and then cut ties. Each to their own though.

Yes, thank you for this - we have been friends about 15 years.

OP posts:
SpringCherryPie · 22/04/2023 12:31

I think it’s OK to feel miffed. But I’d shy away from too heavy a response. As in friendships even a small negative comment usually sticks out. I’d say something like
That’s a real shame I was really looking forward to it. Could you not say that you can’t make it because we booked this ages ago, I’m sure they’d understand.

whynotwhatknot · 22/04/2023 12:37

a sports club funraiser

hardly a necessity and only 48 hours notice-not a good friend

Mariposista · 22/04/2023 12:38

Flaky little shit. So sorry OP.

Clymene · 22/04/2023 12:39

I'm glad you've found something else to do tonight but I'm really sorry your friend values you so little. It's very disappointing when people turn out to be not who we thought they were.

Original poster
SarahDippity · 22/04/2023 12:46

She’s running late 🙄

OP posts:
mainsfed · 22/04/2023 12:49

What’s the plan? I would just tell her you’ll meet her at the matinee.

Go in and take your seat!

You are now under no obligation to wait for her!

And when she suggests a quick drink, tell her you made alternative plans after she bailed on you.

rookiemere · 22/04/2023 12:50

Some friend she turned out to be !

She could have invited you to the fundraiser, suggested lunch instead, said no to the fundraiser or at least turned up on time.

Riverlee · 22/04/2023 12:50

A sports club fundraiser. Poor excuse.

That would have been in the diary for weeks - clubs don’t announce these last minute. Is it a sports club she attends or is she going as a guest of another friend? Had a distant relative or friend who lives a distance away been visiting unexpectedly today, fair enough, but not for a sports fundraiser. She could have still donated some money and come with you.

I would be miffed as well.

Ooolaaaala · 22/04/2023 12:50

SarahDippity · 22/04/2023 12:24

Thanks so much for all the thoughtful replies.

I agree that language and tone can be hard to get right and I was struggling to word this. I drafted texts that I knew were only going to make things worse, but I was wondering why it was me agonising over the wording at all.

Part of the challenge is that since my separation/divorce, I’m really black-and-white about my free time. I know all my dates well in advance so when I put something in the calendar, it’s locked in, and if I’m not free, I decline invitations early. That’s why I was doubting my level of upset; I know not everyone is as rigid.

To answer a few questions:

  • bringing someone else to the matinee wasn’t really on the cards, as she had paid me for her ticket
  • yes, she still really wants to see the show
  • it’s a short run show, a touring production, and I’ve no other free dates to go see it *the event she is going to is not long lost relatives or a last supper; it’s a sports club fundraiser

I slept on it, and decided to go with her anyway, and when she says, as I know she will, ‘it’s a pity about later, I’d have loved to … but this other thing…’ I will say ‘…’ - I’ll read over your suggestions above for wording!!

At least it was 48 hours notice, and I’ve arranged something else to do tonight.

im going now at 12.45 and will report back!

Hope that you have time to be clear with yourself what you are going to say and what you are not going to say … keep it very short and simple - let any uncomfortable silence so it’s job - for her to absorb and reflect …. don’t apologise for anything even if she gets upset.

Advice is often to use “I” statements rather than “You” statements - so I feel let down, I was looking forward to this, I value this time, I prioritise commitments etc.

Good luck!

Riverlee · 22/04/2023 12:51

SarahDippity · 22/04/2023 12:46

She’s running late 🙄

Don’t let her lateness cause you to miss the show. Leave he4 ticke5 a5 the door.

Original poster
SarahDippity · 22/04/2023 12:52

She’s driving us there

OP posts:
Vexar · 22/04/2023 12:54

I hope she realises how close she is to losing the friendship.

LoobyDop · 22/04/2023 12:57

A sports club fundraiser is a shit reason to ditch you. She should have asked you if you wanted to change the plan and go with her to that instead, but made it clear that if you didn’t fancy it you’d stick with plan A. I hope you don’t just let her off the hook.

WhatASillyPredicament · 22/04/2023 12:58

Hope she turned up, being late as well
🙄. Good luck op, it is really good of you to still go. She is the one who should feel very awkward. Remember you're worth more than this, she isn't being the friend you are to her. Hope you still manage to enjoy the show, and manage a good birthday.

Original poster
SarahDippity · 22/04/2023 12:59

Another thing is whether she should have said ‘totally understand if you want to take someone else on my ticket and have a grand day out’ but because she’s only cancelling half of the arrangement (dinner after: we are coming straight home instead), it’s more disruptive in a way, ie left me with fewer options

OP posts:
rookiemere · 22/04/2023 13:03

Oh OP, I am so disappointed on your behalf. It's horrible when you realise your friend is flakey or not as much of a friend as you had thought.
As she is driving have a glass of wine at the interval.

Wellfedandfedup · 22/04/2023 13:04

When you draft your message make sure it's all about you so as others have said use "I" statements. "You" can seem accusatory.

I wonder if she would have done this in the 90s where she would have had to have told you face- to- face or by phone. I think text messages do make us feel more comfortable with letting people down.

Definitely don't let it slip, express your disappointment. I feel that it's a British cultural problem (sorry for assuming you're British here) not being direct and then wasting time and energy telling OTHER people how upset you are. I think it contributes to depression- especially in women and subconscious anger transference on our nearest and dearest.

Jumbojade · 22/04/2023 13:04

What I would say to her is -
I am gutted. Another friend asked me out tonight, but I said no, as I had already made plans with you and there is no way I would have let you down like this. It’s too late for me to go with her now as she has made other plans.

ShandaLear · 22/04/2023 13:19

Just say, “Ahh, FFS Janice. We planned this months ago and I was looking forward to it. You can’t just bump me because you got a better offer. You’re literally telling me I’m a Tier 2 friend and you’ve made me feel like shite now.”

Lasouthpaw · 22/04/2023 13:21

What she's effectively doing is seeing a show she wants to see and then having dinner with what is, in her eyes, a better offer.

So she has her cake and eats it. Doesn't seem to care much for her arrangement with a friend and has put you in a position where if you address it, you could potentially be the 'awkward' one.

I'd be visibly annoyed when she arrives late and be honest and say you are disappointed she is cancelling dinner for another offer as it leaves you without plans at short notice and this isn't something you would have done to her.

And then I'd back off from the friendship. Unless she can make proper efforts to repair it.

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