Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for not knowing how to say ‘I’m disappointed’?

224 replies

SarahDippity · 22/04/2023 00:49

Does ‘I’m disappointed’ always sound like an admonishment of the other person?

I arranged with a friend to go see a matinee show followed by dinner as our mutual birthday gifts. We agreed the date, I booked the tickets, and she sent me the money for hers.

She messaged me yesterday to say ‘can only stay for a quick drink after as I was invited to XYZ and I’d feel bad if I said no.’

The date has been in the diary for two months, and I’m left feeling narked and a bit dumped, with a Saturday evening on my own (kids are on EOW with their dad.)

so my AIBU is:
YANBU:
It’s okay to say ‘I’m disappointed you are opting out of dinner to do something else as I feel you are leaving me Billy no mates when it’s too late to make alternative plans, and you clearly feel okay about this’
or
YABU:
It’s not okay as me expressing I’m disappointed makes the other person feel bad, creates a tension going to the show at all, and she isn’t going to suddenly change her mind back anyways

OP posts:
neilyoungismyhero · 22/04/2023 11:38

SarahDippity · 22/04/2023 09:36

Only the matinee. She has alternative dinner plans now.

Show quote history

Personally I think it's really rude and I wouldn't be bothering with her again but for the sake of not creating a bad atmosphere for the show and spoiling it for yourself I'd suck it up this time, although would possibly be a bit quieter than usual.

MissTrip82 · 22/04/2023 11:39

It’s fine to express feelings but a passive aggressive text isn’t doing that in anything like an adult way. No point in a guilt trip either - the best outcome is you ‘win’ but the evening is pretty unpleasant and awkward for both of you.

I find the ‘id never see here again’ crowd pretty silly and melodramatic too. No idea how you manage to have a relationship with anyone at all if you stay silent and then drop people everytime your feelings are hurt instead of having a conversation.

I don’t know her, you do. Presumably she’s not a selfish bitch or typically cruel or you wouldn’t be friends.

WhatASillyPredicament · 22/04/2023 11:40

*'My point is - what's the point? I would no longer want her to be my friend. So she's not worth my anger nor any drama nor any passive aggression.

I choose my arguments. I don't have many because so few people are worth getting annoyed about (for me).'*

IMO the point is that op and her friend weren't simply acquaintances. They spent every birthday together, making plans well in advance. This sounds like worth getting annoyed about, and blatantly op is, hence her thread. Op expected better, and must have liked this friend. I think it can work well to get your feelings off your chest and then cut ties. Each to their own though.

WhatASillyPredicament · 22/04/2023 11:41

^Unless if course this friend does apologise, judging by her actions I think it is unlikely there will be a decent one, if there is one at all.

Ooolaaaala · 22/04/2023 11:43

I expect you don’t usually express your honest feelings in a calm assertive way.

She is choosing to treat YOU like a doormat.

Because she knows that there are never any consequences for her poor behaviour.

It doesn’t have to be combative or conflicting. Just tell her calmly that you are disappointed that she has changed plans.

PriOn1 · 22/04/2023 11:44

I think I’d try to change my ticket and then not turn up, but I’m quite grumpy at the moment. On a better day, I’d probably change my ticket and tell her I’d done it. Either way, I wouldn’t be going because I wouldn’t enjoy it with her sitting beside me.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 22/04/2023 11:45

"You'd feel bad if you said no, but you don't feel bad dumping our plans?"

F being 'disappointed. I'd be pissed off and let her know.

Feraldogmum · 22/04/2023 11:46

So basically she agreed this evening with you and is cutting it short because she prefers to be with other people. You need to rethink your friendship because she clearly isn’t one .
She doesn’t enjoy your company sufficiently not to dump you and to add insult to injury,has zero respect for you or your feelings as she hasn’t bothered to make a plausible excuse .I’m not advocating lying, but most normal folk would not have the gall to say that they’re not attending a do because they’ve had a better offer.
I’d attend the show,you’ve paid for it,then go straight home after telling her you’ve more self respect than to be treated as second best inconvenience.

Newmum0322 · 22/04/2023 11:46

I’d respond something along the lines of ‘but you don’t mind letting me down when we’ve had it in the diary for 2 months?’!

The go alone, even if she still goes, don’t meet her there and make dinner plans with someone else after. Shes rude.

brokenarmabroad · 22/04/2023 11:48

That is such a shitty thing to do to someone. Especially as her wording implies that this new commitment is something she could have avoided if she chose to. And really difficult to do anything about it, because of course you want to have dinner together because it's something you both want to do together, not something you've guilted her into.

I might reply with "oh what a shame, I'd been looking forward to a relaxing dinner together" and see how she responds. If its a one off I'd probably let it go, but if she has form for it I think I'd want to call it out and let the friendship take it's chances.

mainsfed · 22/04/2023 11:49

I would go to the matinee but don’t have the quick drink. Don’t let her assuage her shitty conscience.

pictoosh · 22/04/2023 11:50

"This woman knows she's being a dickhead but is banking on her not saying anything."

Yep. Most people get away with doing this by depending on the other person being too polite or needy to express their disappointment. I'm a shocker because I do say it. I hate having my time and plans dismissed without good reason. It's not something I do to others myself.

I recently declined a meet up arrangement with a newish pal because she regularly ducks out of arrangements that she herself has made with me, citing cruddy excuses at the 11th hour.

I said, "No thanks, given how often you pull out of plans, it seems daft to make them."
She never replied.

We still chat on social media and get along in a group setting. I just won't put time aside for her personally. It's fine.

RoseGoldEagle · 22/04/2023 11:50

I think I’d say ‘Why would you have felt bad saying no- surely they’d have understood you already had other plans?! Am a bit gutted to be honest, I’d been really looking forward to it!’

I think these things are always awkward, but she’s doesn’t seem to feel bad letting you down, so I don’t think you should worry about some tension if you say it bothers you- it’s her that’s caused that, not you! If you just say ‘oh ok then, fair enough’ it just lets her know you’re fine to be treated like this, and it’s not on!

Ooolaaaala · 22/04/2023 11:51

Isthisexpected · 22/04/2023 09:58

I would go along but not arrange anything with her again. If she suggests something I'd say how disappointed I was to have been dropped for a better offer last time. There's no point saying anything now; she'll just put her inability to say no onto you (try to make you out to be the bad one for making her feel bad at trying to be kind to the other person). This will only create an atmosphere.

There is already and atmosphere because someone has unilaterally without discussion disrupted the plans.

This is an avoidant approach and will only harm and fester resentment in the long term poisoning the friendship slowly.

Open up, now, calmly and assertively without drama to express yourself - if she kicks off and the friendship can’t take it then you will know.

Newmum0322 · 22/04/2023 11:51

What are her other plans actually? I voted YANBU and commented above because I think she’s being rude…

But… if she’s just remembered it’s actually her Grandmothers 100th birthday party for example, it might change things a bit.

FoxtrotOscarFoxtrotOscar · 22/04/2023 11:56

Socialdistancechampion · 22/04/2023 10:09

I'm another who would throw my toys out the pram. Theatre and dinner is a big day/evening out and to not feel bad about cutting it short says to me she doesn't see you as a friend more as a someone to do something with when no one else will.

I'd cancel, ring the theatre and rebook my ticket citing "family emergency" (theatres are very accomodating at rearranging I've found) and get someone else to go with you on a future date.

I hate being cancelled on for a "better" offer though, it's unbelievably rude.

Agree with you.

SuperSange · 22/04/2023 11:58

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 22/04/2023 11:45

"You'd feel bad if you said no, but you don't feel bad dumping our plans?"

F being 'disappointed. I'd be pissed off and let her know.

I think this is the approach I'd take.

bussteward · 22/04/2023 11:58

I’d text back “Well happy birthday to me! I thought our mutual gift was the show and dinner?”

LlynTegid · 22/04/2023 11:59

I doubt the alternative was offered yesterday. I would not make such plans again with your friend.

Cowardly to message and not phone up.

LadyJ2023 · 22/04/2023 12:00

Several choices, enjoy matinee and then ask someonelse to join you for dinner once she's left, or if it was me afterwards home,jamas,takeaway and a good film if all my kids were away for the night 😁

50percentNamaste50percentGoFuckYourself · 22/04/2023 12:00

The thing is, you are disappointed.And probably hurt, and pissed off.

If you expressing these very normal feelings makes her feel bad, its because she should feel bad. That's her issue. You absolutely should tell her.

Ooolaaaala · 22/04/2023 12:02

RoseGoldEagle · 22/04/2023 11:50

I think I’d say ‘Why would you have felt bad saying no- surely they’d have understood you already had other plans?! Am a bit gutted to be honest, I’d been really looking forward to it!’

I think these things are always awkward, but she’s doesn’t seem to feel bad letting you down, so I don’t think you should worry about some tension if you say it bothers you- it’s her that’s caused that, not you! If you just say ‘oh ok then, fair enough’ it just lets her know you’re fine to be treated like this, and it’s not on!

I think these things are always awkward, but she’s doesn’t seem to feel bad letting you down, so I don’t think you should worry about some tension if you say it bothers you- it’s her that’s caused that, not you! If you just say ‘oh ok then, fair enough’ it just lets her know you’re fine to be treated like this, and it’s not on!

Good post.

Yes it’s awkward to speak up for anyone - but accept that discomfort but then get some courage and choose to experiment with a boundary expression. That will be good for you as you will have had some agency - how she takes that is out of your control assuming you were neutral, direct and calm. A good friend would be mortified that they had an impact on you and would look to apologise / rectify. A bad friend would do the DARVO (defend, attack, reverse, victim and offender) which is what most of us are anxious of.

But if she does this then you know where you stand.

Her behaviour is unacceptable to anyone.
Is it unacceptable to you?

Eleganz · 22/04/2023 12:05

She has made a calculation and thinks that she will be best off socially partially letting you down than missing that other commitment. I would say that that isn't a very principled stance unless it is something very important given that you should try and honour commitments if you can. But I've found that there are loads of people who now get away with being flakey as fuck so they think it is acceptable.

However I do agree that "I'm disappointed" is now used (often in the workplace) for saying you are very upset by someone else's actions and is often perceived as quite serious language as a result. Not saying that isn't appropriate to this situation, but a milder approach (if you want one) would be to say "That's a real shame as I was really looking forward to use having some time to have a good chat and some nice food, guess I'll have to grab something by myself as everyone else/husband/boyfriend/family already have other plans".

My personal view would be to just to straightforward that you feel let down and were looking forward to the meal just as much as the show. It may well lead to distance in the relationship but that is your friend's fault, not yours, she needs to know where you stand.

Bearpawk · 22/04/2023 12:06

Agree that is out of order.

One thing I will ask - did you actually make firm dinner plans ? Venue/ timings? Sometimes I've sort of planned the night in my head but not communicated it or agreed to the other person so I'm wondering if she thought the plans were as firm as you did.

If you had firm plans or at least had confirmed you were definitely having dinner afterwards I'd tell her you're gutted as you were looking forward to it and have made childcare arrangements for the night.

Good luck!

Wingingit11 · 22/04/2023 12:08

trickyfriendsone · 22/04/2023 09:48

I don't think it's wrong to say you're disappointed you could world it as
"Oh that's disappointing, I was looking forward to dinner, drinks and a catch up since my kids are away"

I think this is perfect. Delivers the message without making the matinee awkward