AIBU for not knowing how to say ‘I’m disappointed’?

[SarahDippity]

Does ‘I’m disappointed’ always sound like an admonishment of the other person?

I arranged with a friend to go see a matinee show followed by dinner as our mutual birthday gifts. We agreed the date, I booked the tickets, and she sent me the money for hers.

She messaged me yesterday to say ‘can only stay for a quick drink after as I was invited to XYZ and I’d feel bad if I said no.’

The date has been in the diary for two months, and I’m left feeling narked and a bit dumped, with a Saturday evening on my own (kids are on EOW with their dad.)

so my AIBU is:
YANBU:
It’s okay to say ‘I’m disappointed you are opting out of dinner to do something else as I feel you are leaving me Billy no mates when it’s too late to make alternative plans, and you clearly feel okay about this’
or
YABU:
It’s not okay as me expressing I’m disappointed makes the other person feel bad, creates a tension going to the show at all, and she isn’t going to suddenly change her mind back anyways

Very well played OP.

How long have you been friends with her ? Has she ever displayed behaviour like this before?

You did well with your comment. Perhaps she will mull it over and realise what she did?

Probably not though.

Yes, she would regularly change plans, and is quite an unsettled person. Once in a restaurant we moved tables twice and she still wasn’t happy.

I think you've been remarkably restrained! Well done for getting the message across politely. Hope the show was good.

But Heavens - she's got a cheek!

You did really well. Well played. It does sound as if she expects things always her way.

You handled that really well.

Well said op.

Brilliantly handled - with dignity, simplicity and calm assertion - I hope that you are proud of yourself.

@EmmaEmerald - I was half listening to Woman's Hour earlier and there was a woman talking about how we pathologise bad behaviour and that it's okay to just say you don't like someone.

So - she sounds horrible and I wouldn't have anything more to do with her. Sorry about your dad. It's really hard, I know

glad you told her op hope the show was still good

The reason that this is such a good response is that OP has held up a mirror to flaky friend. No more, no less. If she’d complained about being left stranded on a Saturday night, flaky friend could’ve turned it round as “Oh, what was I to do - she’s so needy and I’m just so popular….”. As it is, she’s just given her a taste of her own medicine. Really well
played.

Interesting and it's good of you to share OP!
I wonder if she will find some way to pay you back for one upping her like that, or maybe she'll back down and be nice.....or maybe never be seen again now that your outmaneuvered her so succinctly👀

I like how you managed that. I am blunt - friendly but blunt so I wouldn’t do something so elegant - love how you let her be in her disquiet.

I can tell you there is a wonderful freedom in saying things like, “Seriously? You had an arrangement with me now you want me to smile as you go off with a ‘better’ offer?” The secret to it is to just say it straight away - over and done with for better or worse.

I think that is really crappy of her, I would be upset and disappointed. It’s just bloody rude of her. YANBU.

I think you picked the best way to handle it. Well done.

And if there are ever plans in the future, make it clear you don't expect to be messed around

Agree with later posts. I would respond with: so you’ve got a better offer so I’m cancelling and find someone else.
your relationship with her is now over anyway and you could never be sure she wouldn’t throw you over next time. Clearly
not only is she disloyal but ill mannered.

So why does she find it so easy to disappoint you, but not the other person?

I am not sure what happened to the days when blowing off a previous engagement because "something more interesting" came along was considered the height of rudeness, but we really need to go back to that. I would never have (and still will not) do that. Illness (yours or other immediate family) and sudden emergency at work are the ONLY valid excuses.

I imagine she thinks I’ll understand. She - as we all do - juggles a lot, so would be tearing from her parents’ house to kids’ sports to meeting her husband off the train to walking the dog. I’ve twice as many children, I work full time in a senior role, I pay a childminder, I co-parent with exh; she doesn’t work. So I’ve learned out of necessity to say yes/no, and am all in or all out. She thinks I work too much, because I say I can’t take an hour off at 11 when she’s free.

She’d never think (or at least express) that something was a better offer; she’d just kind of moan that she was being pulled in all directions.

Like, the day of my actual birthday, I invited friends over, very relaxed, about a week’s notice, and if you were free, great. She wasn’t, and her response was (not verbatim) ‘typical! The very night you pick, I’ve something else on! This always happens me!’

We have loads of common interests, and have loads to talk about. We just have very different ideas of the social contract that exists around committing to do something.

Anyway, thanks to all for reading the thread. I really mulled over everybody’s suggestions as I am good at being assertive at work but find it hard on personal engagements as I can let my emotions take over, and needed help articulating how I felt without using the ‘disappointed’ tone. I can’t see her changing, and me modelling ‘good behaviour’ clearly has no impact, so going forward, I’ll be better equipped to head this off.

Love this!

Nice one, OP!

Either send her a "message" by leaving her on read

Or find another friend that can come and refund this so called 'friend' that bailed on you her money

Or you reply and be honest.
Dont be like a highschooler in your reply and dont be walking on egshells either

Tell her! Think like a man. (As in Say it as it is!) No need for nastyness but this walking on egshells and" should i say something " nonsense will only lead to one thing:and that is YOU feeling bad.

If this is a true friend you would be able to tell her the truth

But I think she is a friend
Not a true friend

I’d say
“Oh I’m gutted, I’ve been looking forward to the meal and catch up with you since it was agreed 2 months ago”

Might even be tempted to add
“Can’t you rearrange the other person?.. we’ve had this booked in for months” xx