AIBU for not knowing how to say ‘I’m disappointed’?

[SarahDippity]

Does ‘I’m disappointed’ always sound like an admonishment of the other person?

I arranged with a friend to go see a matinee show followed by dinner as our mutual birthday gifts. We agreed the date, I booked the tickets, and she sent me the money for hers.

She messaged me yesterday to say ‘can only stay for a quick drink after as I was invited to XYZ and I’d feel bad if I said no.’

The date has been in the diary for two months, and I’m left feeling narked and a bit dumped, with a Saturday evening on my own (kids are on EOW with their dad.)

so my AIBU is:
YANBU:
It’s okay to say ‘I’m disappointed you are opting out of dinner to do something else as I feel you are leaving me Billy no mates when it’s too late to make alternative plans, and you clearly feel okay about this’
or
YABU:
It’s not okay as me expressing I’m disappointed makes the other person feel bad, creates a tension going to the show at all, and she isn’t going to suddenly change her mind back anyways

It doesn't solve your crap friend or the lack of evening plans, but can you agree lunch before matinee?

I'd ring her and discuss. Texts are so easy to misread......you'll hopefully come to a better resolution that way

If you don't want to call her......could you respond......haha, I take it you're joking?? We planned this x months ago and I thought you were keen on the plan?

I think it’s pretty good advice. Life’s too short to surround ourselves with people who make us feel shitty.

@HamsterOfDoom - same. I'd be willing to risk and ultimately lose the friendship over this one.

What is it that she is doing instead?

Is it something big like a terminally ill granny's birthday? There are some major things I could forgive.

*'AwaaFaeHom · Today 10:32
What is it that she is doing instead?

Is it something big like a terminally ill granny's birthday? There are some major things I could forgive.'*

I would have thought op would have been aware of a major situation like this though in her 'friend's' life. I say this based on the fact they're close enough to spend all birthdays together. It sounds more like a blow off for an option she find more interesting, and like op is just a second option/if she is bored and can't find anybody else.

That's really shit! I'd certainly say something like 'sorry but this has been planned months and it's our birthday trip out, can XYZ not just see you after dinner

She’d feel bad about saying no to the other invite but doesn’t mind saying no to you in an already established invite? Some friend she is! I’d be rethinking my friendship with her, not necessarily dropping her but certainly not viewing her as a good or reliable friend, more a keeping at arm’s length friend.

@Irritateandunreasonable - I think it's opposite of manipulative. I think it's as straightforward as you can be. It's not about changing her mind, it's simply asserting yourself and making a statement detailing what she obviously should have done.
Both parties are aware it won't be actioned now. Slap down administered. A good friend will suck it up and apologise...a bad one won't.
A bad friend is no loss. Free time is precious.

This is the grown up advice. Swapping carefully crafted texts feels easier, but can go horribly wrong so easily. It's much less damaging to have an actual conversation.

I think a measure of "I'm quite hurt, it feels like you've bumped me for a better offer" is ok to say out loud, but riskier to try to convey in a text.

I'd be pretty unhappy and I'd tell her.

Do you have another friend you can go with?

*'This is the grown up advice. Swapping carefully crafted texts feels easier, but can go horribly wrong so easily. It's much less damaging to have an actual conversation.

I think a measure of "I'm quite hurt, it feels like you've bumped me for a better offer" is ok to say out loud, but riskier to try to convey in a text.'*

I see this as a positive in that op would catch her 'friend' off guard, texts can be misconstrued etc. A text would mean she would have time to construct a response/make excuses.
A downside to this however is emotions could run high, no time to reflect/compose your response. I once had a falling out with a relative on the phone, in that situation I think messages would have worked better. I also think the situation is clear cut here, and there should be room for confusion imo.

shouldn't *

I'd tell her I'd been looking forward to dinner with her. And that it's a shame she can't make it

I'd then organise to see another friend for dinner after the matinee

I would not class first friend as a friend any longer, so after the matinee, I would never see her again

Oh God, I’ve had this done to me before, it makes you feel horribly awkward, like they’re only putting up with you and you spend the whole time feeling upset and a bit humiliated and it’s not enjoyable in the slightest.

i’d go with, ‘oh, OK, well, that’s disappointing, i’ve been looking forward to it, but if you’d rather do something else then fair enough.’

The very person I’m thinking of who’d do this, has done this, would react badly to the above. It would make them feel bad, and the way they deal with feeling bad is to lash out. Just be warned that this approach, in fact, any approach where you express your own feelings at their behavior, might end up with you being lashed out at. The types of people who do this tend to be the type to lash out if you point out there shitty behavior hurts your feelings.

I disagree.

Cool.

'The types of people who do this tend to be the type to lash out if you point out there shitty behavior hurts your feelings.'

Yes, I also find these kind of people can be dramatic and narcissistic. Be prepared for the relationship to possible end here. Judging by the situation however, I doubt it will be much of a loss. On the off chance she apologises, and owns it, maybe you can save some fragment of the relationship to at best have a distanct acqaintance type friendship, with never any significant plans.

I think it's fine to tell her you're disappointed. Let's face it, she's a shit friend anyway because she's bumped you for a better offer.

I'm with those saying they wouldnt go tbh, she has made it clear she has no qualms about hurting your feelings and gone with a better option. The message you have typed is quite combatative so I think it would start an argument but honestly your options are tell her you feel shit in this way and potentially end up having an argument, tell her how you feel and if she change her plans back you will feel like sshedoesnt really want to be there and potentially have an atmosphere or just cancel and go with someone who isnt a dick.

I like this one. Drama free and then done.

This would be me as would feel let down and I would rather go to the show on my own or find someone who wants to step in.

I think it depends on what XYZ is- if it's a one off significant event (is granny's 90th birthday or good friends hen do), then it's quite understandable that she's looking for a way to do both.

If its something less significant, then yanbu.

That's unbelievably shit of her. Cancelling your birthday dinner together as she's got a better offer. Wow.

I'm afraid this is one of those times where you realise that the two of you aren't on the same wavelength about a friendship. It's super hard.

I'm not sure what I'd say, but I'd have to say something but whatever happens there's going to be an atmosphere. Something along the lines of 'Oh that's a shame, I was looking forward to our birthday celebrations'. Then I would drift away and concentrate on other people.

That's excellent. It's non aggressive communication but direct and honest. It can be bloody difficult to get it right. If the atmosphere is ruined it's her fault.