AIBU for not knowing how to say ‘I’m disappointed’?

[SarahDippity]

Does ‘I’m disappointed’ always sound like an admonishment of the other person?

I arranged with a friend to go see a matinee show followed by dinner as our mutual birthday gifts. We agreed the date, I booked the tickets, and she sent me the money for hers.

She messaged me yesterday to say ‘can only stay for a quick drink after as I was invited to XYZ and I’d feel bad if I said no.’

The date has been in the diary for two months, and I’m left feeling narked and a bit dumped, with a Saturday evening on my own (kids are on EOW with their dad.)

so my AIBU is:
YANBU:
It’s okay to say ‘I’m disappointed you are opting out of dinner to do something else as I feel you are leaving me Billy no mates when it’s too late to make alternative plans, and you clearly feel okay about this’
or
YABU:
It’s not okay as me expressing I’m disappointed makes the other person feel bad, creates a tension going to the show at all, and she isn’t going to suddenly change her mind back anyways

A sports fundraiser? Dear God…

I know. What's wrong with her?

A piss poor show on your friends behalf.
I might say something like 'Oops! Did you forget our plans and double book!!??'

Lots of exclamation marks to denote your bemusement.

Enjoy the show anyway.

I would be upset by this too

That’s shit. She is not a good friend, sorry, you clearly value her friendship more than she does yours.

That's awful . She'd be an ex friend to me . It's bloody rude interrupting your plans to prefer going elsewhere.

She is a shit friend. I was invited to a last minute get together for a friend's DC's 18th and had to refuse as I had already arranged to go to another friend for a meal. I would never dump existing arrangements with a friend for a better offer, but a lot of people have no qualms in doing so.

I think that you should make her aware that she has upset you, and that you don't like being dumped for a better offer.

I wouldn’t want a friend who thought there was a better option and dumped me for it. Life is too short.

15 years or not I’d have gone with someone else or not gone and ended the friendship.

I would go on my own or with someone else.

Poor behaviour but she's being very clear that her priorities don't lie with you, so yours shouldn't with her. I know it's sad after a long friendship but if she isn't at least offering to make it up to you on another day, let her go.

Can I ask... are you the type of person who would genuinely say that? I do think it's a perfect response btw but I would just never have the guts to say that. I realise I'm a mug sometimes

Yeh, this is a bit shit, I wouldn't do it to a friend. I decided twenty years ago, when I'm in this situation, always go with the first arrangement. I may have missed out on parties here or there, not too many, I can't think really but I do not want to be the type of person who does this, so I don't do it.

@Socialdistancechampion suggested ringing the theatre and booking again for a future date, take somebody else.

Maybe meet her for lunch

I like this. 20 years ago I wouldn't have dared but now, I think, put it out there, you're not accusing her of being shit, you're saying this makes me feel shit.

I hope you're enjoying the show right now, it was a shitty thing that she did.

'Why would you feel bad saying you had prior plans for a friends birthday? To me it feels like you've been given a better offer and would rather be there.'

It is rubbish that she doesn’t feel bad about letting you down at the last minute. I hope you’re enjoying the show.

I ended a friendship not long ago for repeated instances of exactly this kind of CF-ery. She's disrespected you and your friendship and you should bloody say so.

It is alarming that you feel you can't spend an evening alone without being "Billy no mates".
Put your feet up - read a book or watch a movie.

She obviously can but when you spend most week nights in reading books or watching films on a Saturday most people want to be out doing something a bit more fun than slouching on the sofa alone

How often does she do this? If it has never happened before then it’s all right to say it was a shame she didn’t come to the dinner and leave it at that.

If she has done this more than once, I’d be tempted to phase her out (or only see her as part of a group so you aren’t reliant on her - but she won’t cancel then).

I wouldn't be able to ignore the fact that she said she'd 'feel bad' for not going to the sports fundraiser but obviously doesn't feel bad for cancelling on you.

I would have thought op would have been aware of a major situation like this though in her 'friend's' life

Indeed. That's why I asked the question. If I thought she didn't know what the friend was doing, there would be no point in asking.

This is absolutely appalling behaviour on her part. I would be inclined to cancel the whole thing and lose the price of the ticket to the show. I would be absolutely furuous at her rudeness and cheek.

I wouldn't text her again after this. She's too flaky and rude. I'd rather spend time on my own that with people like this .

yanbu. Re the wording, you know her very well so perhaps: ‘Your call but I’m pretty disappointed that you are fine with cancelling a birthday dinner we’ve had planned for two months but you say you’d feel bad if you didn’t go to a fundraiser.’