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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for not knowing how to say ‘I’m disappointed’?

224 replies

SarahDippity · 22/04/2023 00:49

Does ‘I’m disappointed’ always sound like an admonishment of the other person?

I arranged with a friend to go see a matinee show followed by dinner as our mutual birthday gifts. We agreed the date, I booked the tickets, and she sent me the money for hers.

She messaged me yesterday to say ‘can only stay for a quick drink after as I was invited to XYZ and I’d feel bad if I said no.’

The date has been in the diary for two months, and I’m left feeling narked and a bit dumped, with a Saturday evening on my own (kids are on EOW with their dad.)

so my AIBU is:
YANBU:
It’s okay to say ‘I’m disappointed you are opting out of dinner to do something else as I feel you are leaving me Billy no mates when it’s too late to make alternative plans, and you clearly feel okay about this’
or
YABU:
It’s not okay as me expressing I’m disappointed makes the other person feel bad, creates a tension going to the show at all, and she isn’t going to suddenly change her mind back anyways

OP posts:
Ellie1015 · 22/04/2023 11:12

She has been invited somewhere and "feels bad" if she says no?? That is nonsense. An urgent appointment has come up, a close relative desperately needs somethig and nobody else can help would be disappointing but understandable. She is choosing to let you down rather than other person, most likely because she wants to fit in both and doesn't consider the impact on your day.

WhatASillyPredicament · 22/04/2023 11:12

'I think it depends on what XYZ is- if it's a one off significant event (is granny's 90th birthday or good friends hen do),

She would have know both these things well in advance, and also would have imo shared any significant events with op in general conversation. It really does sound like a last minute offer from a better option in her 'friend's opinion. Maybe all of the people this woman knows are options.

BellaJuno · 22/04/2023 11:12

I’d reply “No need to feel bad, just tell them you already arranged to have dinner with me! See you later” and leave the ball on her court to decide whether to stick to your plans or ditch you for a better offer. Her response would decide whether I cooled the friendship or not.

WhatASillyPredicament · 22/04/2023 11:12

known*

purpliee · 22/04/2023 11:13

well, she's certainly shown you just how little you mean to her. What a bitch.

ShagratandGorbag4ever · 22/04/2023 11:15

What a bitch. Tell her that's OK, you are now unable to attend the theatre, but you have given your ticket to X (X being your most irritating acquaintance who can be guaranteed to fidget and eat very crunchy snacks all through the performance).

Justalittlebitduckling · 22/04/2023 11:15

I think it’s fair enough to say, “O, that’s a shame. I was looking forward to having dinner with you.”

WhatASillyPredicament · 22/04/2023 11:16

I also believe if she was a really decent friend who cared about you op, she would feel absolutely awful about letting you down, and especially on your birthday. I would gave though she would share the pressing event she had no choice but to drop you for. The fact she didn't says to me it was just a flippant change of mind for iho a better offer

ASundayWellSpent · 22/04/2023 11:17

Assertive communication is your friend! Saying you are disappointed is fine, but then by saying Billy no mates etc you are making it emotional and sounds like you are trying to guilt trip her. "I am disappointed that you have changed our long standing arrangement, as I was looking forward to our dinner plans" and then leave it for her to come back.

NBLarsen · 22/04/2023 11:18

I would reply

You'd feel bad about saying no to (them) but not about changing the plans we've had booked in for two months?

WhatASillyPredicament · 22/04/2023 11:20

You could say: "Oh really, that sounds like an absolute emergency for you to cancel our longstanding plans for. Is everything okay? I'm here to listen when you're ready."

OMGitsnotgood · 22/04/2023 11:20

i'd be very hurt by this. i'd tell her that you are disappointed as you thought you'd both agreed on it as your mutual birthday presents.
Can you arrange to have dinner with someone else - I know it's not the same but at least you get to do something with your child-free evening.

Eddielizzard · 22/04/2023 11:21

..and you don't feel bad saying no to me when we've planned this for months?

TempName247 · 22/04/2023 11:22

‘Oh really, are you sure you can’t do dinner? I’ve been looking forward to have a lovely meal with you to celebrate our birthdays so I would be really disappointed if you can’t make it.’

Ladybug14 · 22/04/2023 11:22

For me it would be important not to come across as needy or passive aggressive or a drama llama.

After all, I wouldn't want to be friends with her any longer

So no need for needy

WhatASillyPredicament · 22/04/2023 11:25

'drama llama.'

I hate this expression, it is okay to be angry and express that. It doesn't always mean you're being dramatic. It is like saying you just need to sit in the corner, and not make a fuss for fear of what others will think. Your feelings are valid.

MsRosley · 22/04/2023 11:25

Isthisexpected · 22/04/2023 10:06

Just say - "no need to feel bad, just explain to them that we had made dinner plans 2 months ago and so it would be rude to let me down".

^ well this will make her squirm but not sure if the outcome will be conductive to a fun night!

This.

FabFitFifties · 22/04/2023 11:25

It does depend what xyz is, can you share? I have a 35 plus year friendship. She's always incredibly busy. She does initiate contact, but then drops off again. I've always accepted this, however, she failed to acknowledge my birthday this year. Saw her with friends a few weeks later, and still no mention. Further contact and still no mention. I suddenly don't feel the same about her. I too have lots going on but would never ignore her birthday - a text on the day is our norm, and celebrate weeks/months later also the norm. I wouldn't bother with anything confrontational OP. I'd enjoy the show with someone else if possible.

IhearyouClemFandango · 22/04/2023 11:27

SarahDippity · 22/04/2023 00:49

Does ‘I’m disappointed’ always sound like an admonishment of the other person?

I arranged with a friend to go see a matinee show followed by dinner as our mutual birthday gifts. We agreed the date, I booked the tickets, and she sent me the money for hers.

She messaged me yesterday to say ‘can only stay for a quick drink after as I was invited to XYZ and I’d feel bad if I said no.’

The date has been in the diary for two months, and I’m left feeling narked and a bit dumped, with a Saturday evening on my own (kids are on EOW with their dad.)

so my AIBU is:
YANBU:
It’s okay to say ‘I’m disappointed you are opting out of dinner to do something else as I feel you are leaving me Billy no mates when it’s too late to make alternative plans, and you clearly feel okay about this’
or
YABU:
It’s not okay as me expressing I’m disappointed makes the other person feel bad, creates a tension going to the show at all, and she isn’t going to suddenly change her mind back anyways

“But you don’t feel bad for cancelling our plans?”

pictoosh · 22/04/2023 11:27

I agree that we need to get over the 'embarrassment' of making your feelings known.
I'm 47 now. I am glad to report that it does get easier as you get older. It's one of the pay-offs. You uphold your worth without feeling guilty.

Namechange5544 · 22/04/2023 11:27

I think in your position I would:

  1. Note that you are a a tier 2 friend, as a PP put it, and consider her as such from now on
  2. Invite another friend to go with you for theatre and dinner so this shit friend can join for the theatre part and leave whenever she likes and not ruin your birthday treat/free Saturday night
Wellfedandfedup · 22/04/2023 11:30

Ladybug14 · 22/04/2023 11:22

For me it would be important not to come across as needy or passive aggressive or a drama llama.

After all, I wouldn't want to be friends with her any longer

So no need for needy

Agree that not being PA is important but it's not being a drama llama to express your hurt feelings. This woman knows she's being a dickhead but is banking on her not saying anything. If she feels shit then it's her own fault.

Ladybug14 · 22/04/2023 11:34

WhatASillyPredicament · 22/04/2023 11:25

'drama llama.'

I hate this expression, it is okay to be angry and express that. It doesn't always mean you're being dramatic. It is like saying you just need to sit in the corner, and not make a fuss for fear of what others will think. Your feelings are valid.

Of course it's ok to be angry and express any way you want, any time you want

My point is - what's the point? I would no longer want her to be my friend. So she's not worth my anger nor any drama nor any passive aggression.

I choose my arguments. I don't have many because so few people are worth getting annoyed about (for me)

Wishimaywishimight · 22/04/2023 11:37

"Did you forget we had dinner plans already?" I wouldn't let it go without saying something. She has been very rude.

MasterBeth · 22/04/2023 11:38

If someone is my friend, I will definitely give them the benefit of the doubt that they aren't simply "a bitch".

If someone is my friend, I will definitely let them know if I'm disappointed that I can't see them.

We don't know why the friend has changed her plans. All of you suggesting it's because she's "had a better offer" are just guessing. People lead complex lives. How do you know what's up? Some friends you are.

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