To think DD’s social life is already set by 3?

[Housebuyingfamily]

I realise this is almost certainly unreasonable but I’m looking for some perspective. DD is coming up to 3 and due to moving house has been to 3 nurseries. She/we did make one or two friends in the first two but nothing too substantial or regular. Her current nursery is extremely small with mixed ages, and we’ve only had one (accidental) playdate in 6 months.

Today it struck me that DD has never been to a 3rd birthday party, despite the fact a lot of her school year have turned 3 by now. Every time we go to the park or soft play, all I can see is groups of parent friends. Starting to fixate on it. We have large social circles ourselves but none have kids, or kids remotely the same age. Same with our families. Our NCT group moved away. It’s like we’ve been isolated by bad luck. Time goes so quick, and out of nowhere I feel like we’ve already let DD down, which is a horrible feeling.

We have now decided to move DD into a preschool this September which is attached to the best primary school in the area, that also has most families “like us”. That’ll be place number 4, but the current place hasn’t yielded much at all, so we feel it’s a last roll of the dice to try and get inside a “clique” before school proper starts next year.

The point of this post is basically that I’m worried that even at the new preschool, in which everyone is joining at the same time, there will STILL be cliques from one or two nurseries. Basically, as insane as it sounds, by 3 is there already a die cast, socially speaking?

No it's fine. She'll meet people at primary school and get invited to parties.

Why does it matter so much? DS2 went to some parties when he was at nursery but when he moved to school I don't think he went to any. Probably because we met the parents at nursery when we'd pick up at 6, while at school he went to after school club and not all parents used the club.

You don’t have a confirmed place at the primary school? I think moving her 3 times is probably why she hasn’t made solid ‘special’ friendships, if you move her again then you’re just going to experience more of the same. Have you tried asking other kids round for play dates? Just ask her key worker for the names of a couple of kids she seems to like, and ask if they can pass on a note with your number and offer of a play date.

OMG.

Good for you though if this all you have to worry about. I, as the parent of a 17 and 14 year old, guarantee that cliques (aka friendship groups) will ebb and flow sometimes daily throughout your child's education.

Chill.

It's fine, she will make friends at school and there are whole class parties etc where you can get to know other kids, she will make her own friends who she wants to have round. My eldest is 13 and I have no idea who half her mates mothers are.

Neither of my kids went to a (non family) birthday party we before they started half days at preschool at 3.5 years. Fourth birthdays were where it started.

Both still have friends who they attended preschool with and are 12 and 19.

Generally, before school that sort of thing would be invitations between parents. So if you knew people who had young kids, they would invite your child.

It wasn’t really a nursery thing.

My kids didn't go to nursery before 3.5. My DS is 4 (in nursery) and has never been invited to a birthday party for a friend. (He has been as a sibling and to cousins parties). My DD is 7. She made 'proper' friends in Reception and we are friends with some of the parents now. Don't panic! In our school they mix up the classes for Reception so even if you know a group from nursery, they won't all be together. In Reception there are often lots of whole class parties and other opportunities to chat to parents a bit more. It's certainly not too late!

We didn’t go to a single birthday party in nursery.

Once your Dd starts school things will change and she’ll probably be invited to plenty of parties/play dates.

You’re being a bit nuts about this. My school age child stayed at the same nursery the whole time, made little friends, then went to a completely different school to any of them, has made new friends. I don’t look for close friends at the school gates but have made a few friends nonetheless, just showing up to stuff at school from time to time. It will all be ok, but if you’re weird about it that might make it all the more difficult.

Neither of my kids see any of the friends they had at nursery. They both made friends when starting school. You'll find in reception there will be some whole class parties and plenty of opportunity to meet the other families.

You need to chill the hell out.

Why the obsession with cliques and belonging to a clique and who are 'people like us'?

If you think your kid needs to socialise more then by all means send her to preschool. Bring her up not be an arsehole and then let her make her own friends.

That really is all there is to it.

None of my school age children have any friends they made at nursery.

Seriously you do not have anything to worry about. School will change everything as PP have said. Although I presume you know that going to the pre-school attached to the primary school won't make a difference to you getting a place there (unless it's private of course).

My 3 year old DD has been in the same nursery for 2 years and we haven’t had any play dates. To be honest I’m not on the lookout for one as I feel I have enough to do and two days of socialising at nursery is enough for DD. She does have a birthday party coming up but that will be her first with someone from nursery.

I know I’m probably different from many on this but I just don’t worry about that kind of thing - beyond trying to make connections (if you want to) and being friendly towards other parents there isn’t much you can do to force these things. Other friendships will develop at school.

What? She’s 3? They don’t even remember most of the friends they had at 3. She’ll start to make friendships properly from about 5 onwards, but even those might not be very established until she’s closer to 8 or 10.

Most kids don't play 'with' one another much at 3, so it's hardly setting social life. Nursery parties tend to vary, a lot of people don't do big ones. For the first year or 2 of primary people tend to invite whole class and it settles into friend groups from there. There will be a small group of kids who seem to go later to everyone parties (well generally split by gender). DH used to fret that our kids were only invited to 3 or 4 parties year by the end but tbh I thought that was fine, as long as it wasn't none, and 3 or 4 friends is totally OK.

Don’t worry

She will make friends at school.

I didn’t do NCT. We made friends with other parents at random baby groups in the area. None of the children in these groups have ended up in her school.

She went to my workplace nursery which is over 20 miles away from where I live. So none of these children went to her school.

There is a nursery right next door to her school and another pre-school close by. A number of children from both of these did all end up together at school.

i think very few pre-existing friendships are still strong friendships, as newer friendships from school took over. My daughter certainly doesn’t seem disadvantaged socially by knowing not a single child when she started school.

We also very rarely have playdates because I work and she has activities otherwise, and I don’t think that has been a terrible disadvantage either.

Don’t worry.

Firstly, no group of established friends will be particularly enamored with you if you insist on calling them cliques.

Secondly, your child is 3 and has the rest of their school life to make friends.

Try to separate your school relationships from your child's.

I am not a socialite but I like my churches, choirs and so on. My daughter has friends at school but the kids parents are very jealous, vile and cliquey anyway. I would rather stay alone and let my daughter has her own friends without impinging my own views on what her social life would be at school.

Poor girl, only 3 and you already are harbouring so much negativity about her ....are you ok ?!

She's 3, which means she's only just started playing with other children rather than alongside them. Little ones make friends easily. She'll be fine.

Our dc went to nursery where I worked so didn’t know anyone when they started school.
you really are panicking over nothing.
just relax and enjoy your dd

We met a lot of people at pre-school 3-4, and while some friendships from nurseries lasted the majority swapped friends. Now in reception there have been more swaps. Starting a year earlier helped with getting to know parents, so that's a good call, you might need to give DD lots of reassurance though that she won't be moved again!

Friendships and popularity ebb and flow during childhood op, try not to worry about it. My youngest dd was in a preschool that fed into primary school, she had loads of friends, went to every party etc, at 12 now she is quite socially awkward and has very few friends. My other dc have had periods of being popular and at other times not so much, it really isn't 'set' at any age imo.

My son went to nursery full days as we had to work. We didn't give or receive any play dates (I f*cking hate that phrase for some reason ). I think there was one birthday party. I actually have no idea what you are stressing about, and you possibly need to step back and chill.