To think DD’s social life is already set by 3?

[Housebuyingfamily]

I realise this is almost certainly unreasonable but I’m looking for some perspective. DD is coming up to 3 and due to moving house has been to 3 nurseries. She/we did make one or two friends in the first two but nothing too substantial or regular. Her current nursery is extremely small with mixed ages, and we’ve only had one (accidental) playdate in 6 months.

Today it struck me that DD has never been to a 3rd birthday party, despite the fact a lot of her school year have turned 3 by now. Every time we go to the park or soft play, all I can see is groups of parent friends. Starting to fixate on it. We have large social circles ourselves but none have kids, or kids remotely the same age. Same with our families. Our NCT group moved away. It’s like we’ve been isolated by bad luck. Time goes so quick, and out of nowhere I feel like we’ve already let DD down, which is a horrible feeling.

We have now decided to move DD into a preschool this September which is attached to the best primary school in the area, that also has most families “like us”. That’ll be place number 4, but the current place hasn’t yielded much at all, so we feel it’s a last roll of the dice to try and get inside a “clique” before school proper starts next year.

The point of this post is basically that I’m worried that even at the new preschool, in which everyone is joining at the same time, there will STILL be cliques from one or two nurseries. Basically, as insane as it sounds, by 3 is there already a die cast, socially speaking?

Oh and for the people who say they’re close friends with people from literally all walks of life: I don’t believe you.

This is gross. Do people honestly think this way in 2023? Bizarre. My DD is in an international school overseas, better let her know from now to cut ties with her friendship group since none of them reflect her background at all

You are saying that you wouldn’t want your child to mix with the children of black, Asian or immigrant parents, poor children, or those who parents are nurses, social workers, lawyers, teachers etc in “non-creative” professions.

Can you really not see how offputting that attitude might be, even to other lefty liberal creative parents?

There is the stereotypical “Alleyns parent” who only wants their children to hang out with the children of other Babington House members. But a) you clearly aren’t moving in those circles either, or you wouldn’t be so desperate to join (which is what is so cringy), and b) even at Alleyns, there are plenty of Muslims, Hindus, doctors and bankers amongst the parents, so you are going to look like a bit of a tit spouting these attitudes there as well.

You’re being absolutely ridiculous. Honestly, this is nonsense.

My ds moved primary school after primary 3 as we moved to house (within same city) and had to make completely new friends, which he did no problem, was a very positive move.

We then moved to a whole different part of the UK when he was 14 and he again had to make totally new friends again.
He’s thrived and fitted in really well, has a lovely bunch of friends both where we live now and also back where we came from, who he sees in the holidays when we go back to visit family.
He’s 17 now and also excelled at school so it certainly hasn’t held him back, in fact I think it’s been beneficial for him and has enabled him to handle change, be resilient and learn important social skills that will help him through life.

Relax OP. I appreciate you want to ensure DD has friends, but she’ll have plenty once she gets to school and as she gets older these will be completely independent of parents’ friendship groups.

Your focus on ‘cliques’ and ‘people like us’ sounds a bit insecure and could put people off if they sense you are judging people too much.

All this talk of cliques and pigeonholing people according to their political views/jobs etc is really unhealthy. I think you should male an effort to broaden your mind by meeting people who aren't "like you". It's sad that you think you won't get on with people who don't fit into the same pigeonhole that you have placed your family.
Agree with this. It sound exhausting.

I'd have no friends if I only made friends with people who are just like me, and I doubt I'm the only one.

One of the nice things about making friends with people where the initial reason for meeting is you popped a child out around the same time is that you meet a range of people.

Isolated by bad luck because you haven’t managed to join a ‘clique’.

Bloody hell, when my daughter turned three she had a life threatening seizure and spent the next year in and out of hospital.

I think you need some perspective.

God this is an embarrassing thread to read. I think you probably need to develop a thicker skin and chill the fuck out before you do alienate your kid from social opportunities.

Relax, she's 3, not 13. Are you still friends with anyone you went to nursery with? Did you make friends as you grew up?

I’m reminded of a poster from a few months ago, who had scrimped and saved to send her child to private secondary school so he/she could mix with “the right sort”, and was then literally horrified (to the point she started a MN thread about it) to find the private school was full of Asian children. Not the right sort at all. She wanted her child to mix with posh white kids, not posh Indian kids.

OP, that thread was deleted, this one seems to be on track to go the same way given the number of your own posts that are getting deleted.

@Saschka thank you, you have given me the courage to try again!

That was such a revealing comment, wasn't it?

I never think much about my children's friends' parents' jobs, but off the top of my head, I can think of several white-collar jobs, a lot of builders, an uber driver, two restaurant owners (they'd also be off-limits for op as they are Indian/Sri lankan), several nurses, teachers, chefs, scientists, shop owners, etc.

And my own friends (not via kids) include everything from university lecturers to personal trainers to gardeners to long-term unemployed. Imagine being so narrow-minded and such a snob. What a miserable way to live.

Also if they say “no”, it is just as likely to be them as it is you - I know one mum in DS’s class who just doesn’t accept play date invites as she can’t reciprocate (in temporary housing), and somebody else who just has a “no play dates” rule for slightly over-protective safeguarding reasons. I thought they just weren’t very friendly to start with! Then I chatted with them in the playground a bit more and realised it was nothing personal. Our children are friendly in school and in after school clubs, so doesn’t really matter.

Hang on. She’s 3 and has moved childcare settings so many times already. Half of her life must have been during covid restrictions too.

With your extremely blinkered thinking, I only hope that your dd is more liberal than you and you unclench in time to not restrict her friendships as she starts school.

Muchtoomuchtodo
I have a horrible feeling that OP might be the sort of parent who will keep moving their DC around through school until she finds somewhere homogeneous with the right kind of creative, liberal, leftie families and they can all sit around patting each other on the back for how brilliant they are.
Though I'm left leaning and fit a number of OP's preferred characteristics and I'd find her attitude totally insufferable because the sort of self-righteous lefties who think they're enlightened are boring to be around.

DS1 is in Y1 and very popular, he seems to have a birthday or playdate most weeks. He went to nursery from 1 until 4 and didnt have a single playdate or party in that time. I dont think that's unusual?

DS2 is 2.5 in the same nursery and the same. Nothing and I dont expect anything until school (though I will be throwing him a party for 3 as he is jealous of all the parties big bro goes to!)

I honestly wouldnt worry about it.

You’re in for a stressful life when you realise many primary schools mix up the classes every couple of years OP! Please relax. You’re assuming your DD will be the sort of person who wants millions of friends or to be in a ‘clique’. What if she’s someone who prefers just on or two best mates? Let her find her own way. Focus on your own friendships, she doesn’t need you to engineer things for her.

Those types of liberal lefties are incredibly judgemental themselves and will only accept parents into their circle if they have equal social or financial clout. A large number come from old money and turning liberal is their way of rebelling but they would not dream of socialising with normal people who own less than 2 properties (or god forbid 0). So unless OP is a secret millionaire, famous, or married to a doctor or diplomat then she has virtually no chance of getting into those circles.

Feel quite sad for the fact that the daughter, assuming she's an only child, has not had any play dates in her life. And she presumably spent the first two in lockdown.

I saw the first bit of your posting title "To think DD’s social life is already set b" and assumed you were talking about a teenager. I know very young children have social lives but I don't know why. A very very small child won't know or care if they go to a party. All they want at 3 is to be included when they go to nursery or into the schoolyard.

Those types of liberal lefties are incredibly judgemental themselves and will only accept parents into their circle if they have equal social or financial clout. A large number come from old money and turning liberal is their way of rebelling but they would not dream of socialising with normal people who own less than 2 properties (or god forbid 0). So unless OP is a secret millionaire, famous, or married to a doctor or diplomat then she has virtually no chance of getting into those circles.
That's an interesting point.
There is a social climbing undertone to some of the OP's posts.

She'd certainly not be interested in my DC, despite having a left leaning, creative and liberal mother because I'm probably the wrong type of leftie who likes Trade Unions campaigning for decent conditions for vulnerable workers. Old fashioned leftie views probably wouldn't make the cut for schmoozing political discussions over gin.

I can't help but wonder if although the regular moves didn't help, some of the lack of playdates might come from other parents not wanting to share OP's company given her attitude.

We didn't make any friends through nursery, they don't really make proper friends themselves at pre school age and there's not really much time to even meet other nursery parents as pick up at all different times. We made some friends through toddler groups, but honestly I wouldn't worry, from reception the kids properly make friends and ask for playdates (I hate that phrase for some reason!) and there is much more opportunity to meet other parents at the school gate, we also have a class mum WhatsApp group and see each other at school events. Honestly, I wouldn't give this any headspace whatsoever, it'll come together in the next couple of years I'm sure.

Meh, don’t worry about it! My daughter is turning four this year, starts reception in September. She’s currently in a school nursery. We’ve been to lots of playgroups before nursery (and since starting nursery). She’s only been to one birthday party- the mum of the child who’s party it was is the only mum friend I’ve made really, met at a playgroup and now have play dates, play at each other’s houses, go for coffee etc. There’s one other mum of a child in my daughter’s nursery who I’ve recently become friends with (well, more acquaintances really). Oh and a mum of a child at my daughter’s nursery who I met because we were in the same due month Facebook group, we live close and our children have coincidentally ended up in the same nursery group. My NCT group have all drifted apart.

I used to worry about these things but really don’t care anymore. My daughter is happy. I’m happy with the friends I do have. I’ve heard friendships form easier during primary school.

Please don’t let it bother you!

Oh right! There was me thinking OP was concerned for her very young daughter. OP are you thinking of your daughters social circle or your own?

We are non-religious, liberal, left leaning, creative
types. That’s “people like us”.

So if you met someone you consider to be "like us" that happened to be in a low paid job and living in social housing would you even entertain the idea of your child being friends with theirs and going to their house for "playdates" or parties? I have a sneaky suspicion that I know what your answer would be.

I think people are being a bit harsh OP but I understand you feel anxious about it. Try not to worry, my son is 2.5 and has only just started playing with kids, before it was alongside. He's been to one 3 Yr old birthday party from nursery and we've only just started doing playdates with his bestie at nursery (initiated by us). You could ask your child who they play with at nursery and just invite them round for a playdate on the weekend. Most of DS friends are mums I've met through local mums groups or got to talking to in the park. Not everyone is friendly or wants to be friends and that's OK too but you can set up playdates and meet people. Despite DS having a best mate at nursery we are going to move him in autumn to a new school which will be for 3 years, then probably move to another school after. Friendships don't really develop until they're 3 anyway and they chop and change. You could also ask your nursery/preschool if they do any events - ours have coffee mornings/evenings so parents can meet, and if you ask they will give parents phone numbers with permission. We didnt invite any of his nursery friends to his second birthday party because he didn't play with them just alongside them and we didn't want them all going nuts in our home. We know that one of the kids from nursery had a party and didn't invite us but I'm not offended, I would only invite the kids my kid directly play with. Some parents I just haven't hit it off with.

She's three, loads of three year olds don't have a clear concept of friends and aren't going to care about birthday parties.

I stayed touch with zero people from nursery, and zero people who were children of my parents' friends. I stayed in touch with one person from juniors (now lost touch), and fell out with my best friend at the age of 13. Then made friends with a whole new crowd who are still my friends today.

It's ridiculous to say her social die is cast at such a young age.