To think DD’s social life is already set by 3?

[Housebuyingfamily]

I realise this is almost certainly unreasonable but I’m looking for some perspective. DD is coming up to 3 and due to moving house has been to 3 nurseries. She/we did make one or two friends in the first two but nothing too substantial or regular. Her current nursery is extremely small with mixed ages, and we’ve only had one (accidental) playdate in 6 months.

Today it struck me that DD has never been to a 3rd birthday party, despite the fact a lot of her school year have turned 3 by now. Every time we go to the park or soft play, all I can see is groups of parent friends. Starting to fixate on it. We have large social circles ourselves but none have kids, or kids remotely the same age. Same with our families. Our NCT group moved away. It’s like we’ve been isolated by bad luck. Time goes so quick, and out of nowhere I feel like we’ve already let DD down, which is a horrible feeling.

We have now decided to move DD into a preschool this September which is attached to the best primary school in the area, that also has most families “like us”. That’ll be place number 4, but the current place hasn’t yielded much at all, so we feel it’s a last roll of the dice to try and get inside a “clique” before school proper starts next year.

The point of this post is basically that I’m worried that even at the new preschool, in which everyone is joining at the same time, there will STILL be cliques from one or two nurseries. Basically, as insane as it sounds, by 3 is there already a die cast, socially speaking?

Primary school is a huge restart. Don't stress OP, it'll be fine.

@Bamboux So very closed minded. I'd be bored to tears if my own friendship group was only people like me!
The best school I ever taught in was in south London, kids from all walks of life. It was an amazing environment, I'd take that any day over a school full of "people like us"

Ah so op isn’t fussed about her dd having friends that that she chooses.

She wanted her child to make friends with people who she felt families were good for her own social circle and is actually upset, other families at nursery have rushed to include her in their own social circle. It’s about Ops social climbing.

Did op really say she believes people don’t have friends from all different back grounds?

Mine's the same, they're too young for friendships at this age it's the parents who have the friendships. Come primary school this will all change, don't stress 💐

Today it struck me that DD has never been to a 3rd birthday party, despite the fact a lot of her school year have turned 3 by now.

This thread has to be one of the most ridiculous I've seen on MN in a while.
Children do not start to play with other children until age 2.
At three they only ever have playdates with kids where the parents are friends. If you have changed nurseries that many times, why do you think she hasn't been invited to more parties? Not to mention that not everyone starts having parties beyond family until primary school.

To be stressing about friends and social circles before starting reception is off the scale batshit.

Do you remember/ keep in touch with the friends you had at 3 years old OP?

The PLU is a bit icky. Your DD will meet all sorts of people at school and in sports clubs and throughout her life, different perspectives are important, don’t make her world small

Maybe you're not so left-leaning as you think you are...

Let me clear it up for you. We are non-religious, liberal, left leaning, creative types. That’s “people like us”. These are the people we get on best with and want to spend time with. You won’t shame me into saying otherwise.

Eek. I was nice to you @Housebuyingfamily, but you really are out of order here. Let's unpack this so you can see why.

1. If someone is a Muslim, Jew, Sikh or Christian - you don't want your child to be friends with their child.
2. If someone votes for a different political party than you do, because they have different views on the best way to spend tax money, you don't want your child to be friends with their child.
3. If someone is a lawyer, accountant, cleaner, builder or other non-creative type - you don't want your child to be friends with their child.

This covers pretty much every shade of racist, anti-Semitic, partisan, crazy, wrong and pathetic. News flash that even in the best schools, your child will come home with a friend whose mum is a cleaner, dad is Muslim and gran voted Brexit; and in real life you'd enjoy the company of every single one of those people if you sat with them for an hour at the playground while the kids have fun. Probably best to change your username, this one will haunt you.

There’s nothing ‘liberal’ about refusing to mix with people who don’t agree with your every last view is there

When she starts school and it’s a party almost every weekend because every kid invites every kid in the class you’re going to look back on this and laugh.

Problem is the other parents have to meet the OP at the party, and may decide to leave it at party invites.

Eeek, you are going to find the late primary and secondary years excruciating if you are this worried now. Friendship groups, particularly with girls, can be absolutely brutal.

You need to drop all your preconceived preferences and just hope your child finds a couple of nice kids to mix with at some point in the next 13 years, many will come and go with a bang, trust me!

I think you are getting things out of proportion. Have you hosted a party or some playdates? That's a good way to kick friendships off.

Think of it this way - were your school friends soully children of family friends? I bet they weren't.

Also, the whole "people like us" thing is probably a red herring. I found dc made their own friends, from quite early, and it mattered not a joy if they were families that shared anything in common with us.

My DD’s best friend from reception to y6 was a little girl she met in reception. The whole class had moved up from pre school together except this girl who had attended daycare instead of the school preschool. They clicked straight away and were inseparable for their entire primary school. It was partly due to a chance meeting in the park with the little girl and her mum one day and dd pointed her out and said ‘that’s the new girl’ so we went over and they okayed whilst I introduced myself to mum. She is now a firm friend of mine out of all the school gate parents. She was rarely at the school gate and often ignored by the cliques which formed at nursery but I hate cliques so always make the effort to speak to all the parents. She worked long hours and her DD went to wrap around at the daycare place she used to attend. One half term we got an invite on the post to a little party at her house. Mum had taken the invites to school with stamps on and asked school to pass them out. Just a few kids and the mum’s did make an effort to bring their children along. They’re now y9. I’m still good friends with the mum. DD classes herself as best friends with the girl but in reality they barely see each other at high school as the other girl is a school refuser now. Both have been diagnosed autistic and possibly a reason why they got in so well but with the other girls not being around as much my daughter has moved on.

DD2’s class have had kids come and go every year. It’s no where near the same group of kids that started in pre school. She’s a butterfly and has different friends from the class each year. She often welcomes the next new child until their settle and find their own group. But that’s fine.

Sorry this is one of the most ridiculous things Iv ever read- to the point I’m wondering if you’re one of those journalists creating posts for a story. If not- you seriously need to stop before you give your child a complex. They are three years old. THREE! Maybe some counselling or something to help you gain perspective around why you are stressing so much about your three year old being in a ‘clique’ and I honestly mean that in the nicest possible way. This is not normal.

Be careful what you wish for. My DD went to 2 nurseries, the second through covid restrictions so we didn't meet any of her friends there at all and only went to our first party when she was 4. Fast forward to reception class, she has a group of new besties and we've been to a party every sodding weekend since January thanks to the all class parties, I want my social life back!

This thread is a shocker. Where is the common sense?!?!!

nothing is set. Your children will get older and start choosing their own activities, hobbies and friends.

The OP child will choose conservative religious types to spite the OP, and then convert to a religion....

Nobody makes proper friends at 3. They just hang out with people around them. Happens more age 6+ . Teach social skills and it falls into place more often than not

Please don't worry . Your DD will go through many changes in her life where she will meet different social groups .
My DS went to a private nursery close by my work and transferred to school in reception class - which could have been a bit difficult as most of the other DC already knew each other from the nursery year but I don't recall any issues. There were a lot of parties during reception year which also gave the chance to meet some of the other mums - making it easier to arrange play dates . A couple of friend changes during primary school but then a whole new friendship group at secondary school and again at college, and now at work . Some friendships remain and some get dropped along the way. We didn't keep in touch with anyone from the first nursery though (ie those children met at 3).

Let me clear it up for you. We are non-religious, liberal, left leaning, creative
types. That’s “people like us”. These are the people we get on best with and want to spend time with. You won’t shame me into saying otherwise.

I think it's healthiest for your child to have friends from a wide range of backgrounds - and as someone who describes herself as 'liberal' I am most surprised that isn't your view too .

You are being utterly mental.

My boys went to one nursery but never socialised with those kids outside of nursery. My third boy never went to nursery at all. I don't remember any large group parties either.

They all, at 11 and 14, have a large and diverse group of friends, and variously go to birthday parties/events etc.