To think DD’s social life is already set by 3?

[Housebuyingfamily]

I realise this is almost certainly unreasonable but I’m looking for some perspective. DD is coming up to 3 and due to moving house has been to 3 nurseries. She/we did make one or two friends in the first two but nothing too substantial or regular. Her current nursery is extremely small with mixed ages, and we’ve only had one (accidental) playdate in 6 months.

Today it struck me that DD has never been to a 3rd birthday party, despite the fact a lot of her school year have turned 3 by now. Every time we go to the park or soft play, all I can see is groups of parent friends. Starting to fixate on it. We have large social circles ourselves but none have kids, or kids remotely the same age. Same with our families. Our NCT group moved away. It’s like we’ve been isolated by bad luck. Time goes so quick, and out of nowhere I feel like we’ve already let DD down, which is a horrible feeling.

We have now decided to move DD into a preschool this September which is attached to the best primary school in the area, that also has most families “like us”. That’ll be place number 4, but the current place hasn’t yielded much at all, so we feel it’s a last roll of the dice to try and get inside a “clique” before school proper starts next year.

The point of this post is basically that I’m worried that even at the new preschool, in which everyone is joining at the same time, there will STILL be cliques from one or two nurseries. Basically, as insane as it sounds, by 3 is there already a die cast, socially speaking?

You need to get a grip. This is so trivial. Friendships change throughout primary, secondary, Uni, life.

From what I've heard (happy to be correcte, kids don't really form friendships at 3 anyway, so if anything it's more the parents are friends and the kids are just tagging along

Does your social circle as an adult consist of people you were at nursery with?

Don't be so bloody ridiculous.

We have now decided to move DD into a preschool this September which is attached to the best primary school in the area, that also has most families “like us”. That’ll be place number 4, but the current place hasn’t yielded much at all, so we feel it’s a last roll of the dice to try and get inside a “clique” before school proper starts next year.

oh my, you need to calm down. People can smell desperation and it is not attractive. At 3 they don’t really have friends as such anyway, just other kids they play alongside, some of whom they get on with better than others. If she is good at sharing and taking turns and not a bully which I’m sure she’s not, she will make plenty of friends when she starts school. I hope you’re very confident she will get a place at this best primary before you move her again though…you have thoroughly read up on the admissions criteria?

One out of four of my children went to a birthday party at age 3. From four onwards (ie full time school onwards) they started flowing a bit more.
Some parents don’t do parties until their children are at school. It could be just that your DC’s friend’s parents are like that. I really doubt that at age 3 your child’s long term friendships have already been mapped out.

The pre school sounds good, other than that - relax - nothing sticks at this age.

My DD started a new school mid way through reception and knew nobody. She has a great group of close friends now that’s she established in a year and has been to lots of parties. It’s a non issue don’t worry about it. My mum never spoke to another school mum and I still had friends!

Once she starts school you will wish she had this problem. Too many parties.

Have you invited anyone to a party or play date? At 3 it's the parents who organise these things so not really anything to do with the child.
Year r tends to have more 'whole class' type parties - she'll be fine. But realistically the more social and proactive you are the more opportunities she'll have. Best to stop moving her so much too

You sound paranoid.

DD is a separate person; she will make her own relationships at whatever school/activity she attends and those tiny children have absolutely NO regard to whether their parents are movers and shakers, in the same clique, or reclusive nomads.

Get used to the idea that your kids will befriend kids you don't like, from homes you don't know or approve of; because that's how it's going to be for the rest of her life

We have now decided to move DD into a preschool this September which is attached to the best primary school in the area, that also has most families “like us”. That’ll be place number 4, but the current place hasn’t yielded much at all, so we feel it’s a last roll of the dice to try and get inside a “clique” before school proper starts next year.

Maybe the reason you don’t get invited to any play dates currently is because you clearly think the other parents in nursery aren’t like you and you think you deserve ‘better’ friends.
It also sounds like you think people should be fawning over themselves to make friends with you but you aren’t willing to put in the effort yourself.

You’ll meet more people at school. Often it is hard at nursery as generally everyone there is working. I would say though that the nursery friendships my daughter had have lasted well into y2. She’s expanded her circle though so it isn’t nursery friends or nothing. If you are moving to a pre-school attached to the school that will help as she’ll know lots of the kids when she joins even if you don’t.

Mine never went to nursery, just a couple of days a week at a childminder from age 3 until reception. By the end of the 1st half term there (school), she had 3 "best friends" and 2 party invites. To be worried that by age 3 your DC has not formed any close friendships or been invited to parties is a bit ridiculous IMO.

Are you saying you've asked to arrange play dates and the other parents have said no?

I had our child during lockdown and had no friends with children the same age. I went on Peanut and started a few conversations with mums with children of the same age. It’s like online dating in the sense of we met up with a few people and it didn’t go anywhere, but some, we just clicked with and meet up regularly with. If you want play dates, you need to put yourself out there. It isn’t really in my nature but I’m pleased i forced myself!

DD has been at the same nursery since under 1, being invited to birthdays hasn't started till 4th birthdays for us. I think parents are just less likely to invite other kids from nursery younger than this?

I’m not in a clique, cant stand having to make small talk with other people never mind having to please others just to get my child on the ‘social scene’. Despite this my dd has a great social life. Constant parties, clubs loads of friends to be out playing with. Actually make me sad because at 7 I already hardly see her!
Let’s be honest who here is actually still friends with people from primary school never mind nursery. Life moves on we follow our interests and we grow and develop. Your child is only 3 a whole host of opportunities ahead.

Do 3 yo have playdates?

Mine is only 2.5 but has been in nursery since 9 months and no one does playdates or parties. Maybe it'll change as she gets older? But I doubt it. There's no effort among the parents to get to know each other or anything.

I would only move her to the school nursery class if you are 100% certain she will be offered a reception place there. Otherwise she could be facing yet another move at reception.

• so are you well within the last offered place distance?

• what is the reception PAN? If it is a small one form entry with a low PAN then places could easily be filled by children with a higher priority, eg LAC, siblings, multiple births, closer geographically.

You also seem to be expecting that your child will be the one that somehow is responsible to be the one making the social moves to ensure that she is invited to activities. As the parent you are the one who has to do the heavy lifting with other parents, making initial overtures, being friendly, making conversation, making suggestions for meet ups, coffee, outings etc.

Nursery birthday parties spread colds, flu and D&V like wildfire. You aren't missing out.

Friendships change throughout school. It's hilarious. DS and his BF loved each other in Year R, 1 and 2

Hated each other in 2, 3 and 4

Back to besties yesterday. And making plans for secondary school together!

I wouldn't expect children to have friends at nursery that you see outside nursery so I think you're overreacting.

It changes once they start school, then all the parties and play dates really start.

Look, if you want your child to have an active social life aged 3, you have to make it happen yourself.

How many play dates have you invited nursery friends to? How many parties have you had for all of her nursery friends? How often do you invite their parents over for brunch while the children play?

I’m not particularly up for all of those things either, but I have watched other “popular” parents in action, and that is what they do. I’ve done it to a lesser extent, and you definitely get back what you put in. We’ve had a Halloween party, birthday party and a few play dates, and it’s the people we have invited who invite us to things. Also means they parties are less excruciating now I know a few people.

3 nurseries is a lot at that age. Maybe that's why there haven't been any invites? We've been at our current childminders for almost 2 years and there have never been any play dates. 3 party invites though. Lots of parents don't want to bother with parties at this age. We're only having one for my sons 3rd birthday on the insistence of my husband. Be thankful you don't have to sit through soft play and awkward small talk!

This is not representative of your daughter's social life. Until primary school birthday party invitations and play dates will be largely driven by parental friendships. My kids didn't start to have proper playdates (ie ones they asked for themselves with particular children) until age 7ish. The fact that you've moved house and nursery twice in 3 years is the most likely influence on establishing friendship groups. Even if you hadn't, you can't force it as different groups have different dynamics. When my son was little my main friendship group was made at antenatal class, but nursery and primary school was much less fruitful. Conversely when I had my daughter I had no luck finding new friends at baby groups, but the nursery and school parents were a much more friendly bunch this time round. Then once your kids start forming their own friendships it has much less to do with you anyway. My son is at 6th form college now, has lots of friends but I wouldn't be able to pick them out in a line up as I never see them!

You will look back on this and laugh at yourself.