To think DD’s social life is already set by 3?

[Housebuyingfamily]

I realise this is almost certainly unreasonable but I’m looking for some perspective. DD is coming up to 3 and due to moving house has been to 3 nurseries. She/we did make one or two friends in the first two but nothing too substantial or regular. Her current nursery is extremely small with mixed ages, and we’ve only had one (accidental) playdate in 6 months.

Today it struck me that DD has never been to a 3rd birthday party, despite the fact a lot of her school year have turned 3 by now. Every time we go to the park or soft play, all I can see is groups of parent friends. Starting to fixate on it. We have large social circles ourselves but none have kids, or kids remotely the same age. Same with our families. Our NCT group moved away. It’s like we’ve been isolated by bad luck. Time goes so quick, and out of nowhere I feel like we’ve already let DD down, which is a horrible feeling.

We have now decided to move DD into a preschool this September which is attached to the best primary school in the area, that also has most families “like us”. That’ll be place number 4, but the current place hasn’t yielded much at all, so we feel it’s a last roll of the dice to try and get inside a “clique” before school proper starts next year.

The point of this post is basically that I’m worried that even at the new preschool, in which everyone is joining at the same time, there will STILL be cliques from one or two nurseries. Basically, as insane as it sounds, by 3 is there already a die cast, socially speaking?

My kids didn’t go to a bday party of their own friends until school nursery (so 4th bday parties). They went to my friends’ kids’ ones or family ones. This had no bearing on their future social lives in any way.

Unpick 'PLU' as the OP is using it, though. It's not a matter of it meaning 'people I tend to get on with' because she hasn't actually met these people yet, it's that she says she's moving her three year old to a nursery attached to the 'best primary' in the area

that also has most families “like us”. That’ll be place number 4, but the current place hasn’t yielded much at all, so we feel it’s a last roll of the dice to try and get inside a “clique” before school proper starts next year

She's making a set of class-based assumptions on what type of people send their children to the 'best nursery' in the hope of a 'last roll of the dice to get inside a 'clique' before school proper starts. This is a three-year-old being raised by a socially anxious, social-climbing mother with some frankly weird ideas about friendships and an inability to distinguish between the friendships of a child barely past toddlerhood and her own.

OP, you'd die in a panic at the primary DS is at. It's a city centre school with lots of movement of children in and out (lots of new Ukrainians, also children of staff at the nearby hospitals and university), and is very socially and ethnically mixed. One of the girls in DS's class's mother is a cleaner at the hospital nearby, and one of the boys has a father who is a consultant at the same hospital. Which one do you imagine meets your definition of 'PLU'?

I'm happy to see your getting plastered on this OP because I could have written your post!! Same age DC, same number of moves, same fixation on having failed him by not providing him with friends. He's desperate for a play date and it breaks my heart. My last ditched attempt will be to just try and explain this to the parents of the kids he likes at school and hope that they take pity on us.

You mentioned shes not been to any parties despite others turning 3.. are you throwing her a birthday party and inviting the whole nursery or are you waiting like most until she's at school and has her own friends?

Sorry, but you are being ridiculous 😂 3 year olds don't have "friends". They have other kids who occupy the same space as them whose parents happen to get along so they spend time together and play alongside each other (but actually still very rarely "with" each other).
I think you need to be very careful not to put all your own issues onto your child.
Just relax and let her find her own way.

I think it it bothers you, then you have to take the initiative and proactively organise some play dates or throw a party.

@ModestMoon and OP instead of being worried about your kids not being invited for play dates, why don’t you initiate the invites?

DC1 was very isolated over covid (we had to shield) and started preschool at 3.5 having basicallh never mixed with other kids ever. We were really proactive with play dates both then and now in Reception. It has really paid off for DC1 in giving her confidence and she’s built some lovely close friendships which has in turn helped her to branch out and play with others. There’s no point whinging about it - it’s totally in your power to make the first move on this stuff.

Let me clear it up for you. We are non-religious, liberal, left leaning, creative
types. That’s “people like us”. These are the people we get on best with and want to spend time with. You won’t shame me into saying otherwise.

Many children whose fathers were in the Forces would move every 2 years in the 70s/80s, my late OH reckoned that every year there was a 45% turnover in hos class, and these children managed to make friends.

I have four adult children and only one still has a friend they made at primary school. No nursery school friends, their current friendship circles are mostly from secondary school, university and work.

Concentrate less on meeting "people like us" and ensure your daughter is grounded and likable. She'll make her own friends in her own time, you can't micromanage her social life, not at any age.

So have you invited lots of people round and they have all said no?

If so, I’m sorry, that sucks. If not, you just need to do that. No need to “ask them to take pity on you”.

OP I know it can be a worry cos you want the best for your DC but be reassured and chilll :)

My DS was only one of 2 out of 90 kids who started his school. As soon as they hit reception, the parties start :)

Also try and chat at school drop off/pick up if poss. And don’t be afraid to suggest an out of school meet up - the park/soft play etc.

It’ll be fine x

OK. It's really not surprising that you struggle with making social connections given this incredibly narrow, prescriptive, stereotypical way you approach human beings.

This. Their "social" life really takes off when they start school. Chances are you'll soon be longing for free weekends.

The birthday parties didn't start until school for us. Sounds like you have moved a lot as well which won't have helped.

Last thing I'd want to be is in a clique... Ds is 17 now. Although I wasn't in any cliques at school I knew most of his friends parents to say hi to. We had lots of close nct friends too. Ds still has friends from nursery, primary and secondary. Ds had parties at nursery and attended a few too but I think parties proper start in reception through to about Year 6/7. There were parents at nursery /primary you would see pushing their kids to play together in and calling their kids best friends. Ds said once those kids got to secondary they never bothered with each other again. What I'm saying is that children choose and make their own friends.

I hope the OP is drumming it into her child that when she meets a new friend at nursery she needs to go through the “suitable family to be friends with “ checklist before she agrees to share the sand tray toys………..

We don’t struggle. Read my post again. We have large social circles but very few “family friends” with similar aged children.

But that might not be who your daughter wants to hang out with… so are your concerns about your daughter’s social life, or your own?

DS has friends whose parents I wouldn’t seek out to be friends with myself (perfectly nice people, just no particular interests in common with me). And the parents I do have stuff in common with, are parents of girls (so, aged 6, he has no interest in being besties with them). You have to separate the parents from the children I’m afraid.

Sounds like the type of person I would avoid. So you wouldn't make friends with a parent who is Christian etc?

Oh and FWIW - I meet every single one of your 'preferred characteristics', and I can tell you with absolute certainty that we would not get on with each other.

Because 'not judging people as stereotypical, two-dimensional cardboard cut-outs, with a side order of classism and snobbery' is not something that I (or many other people) want in a friend.

I have friends who are religious (loads of different religions), atheist, agnostic, left leaning, right leaning, creative, scientific, technical, manual workers. Just people who I get on with, and click with. I don't think about people as a set of Guardian reader qualities, but as individual humans.

But lots of people, unfortunately, do think the same way as you. So I'm sure you'll find plenty of them eventually. Don't kid yourself that this is anything to do with your daughter though.

You are

You’re being incredibly dramatic. I think my youngest (5) went to one birthday party before school age. Due to COVID and cost of living, I think people just haven’t organised things the way they might have years ago. Certainly my older one went to parties at 1/2/3 but these were friends of ours with dc the same age. Neither of mine are really in touch with any friends they met before they started primary. As long as she has good manners and is kind, I’m sure she’ll make loads of friends when she starts school.

You've moved your child 4 times and you're wondering why she hasn't made 'special friends' or become part of a 'clique'?

Also, she's 3. I don't know many people who have friends from when they were 3. Relax.

Try not to worry. We didn't have any play dates or parties before school started. Also my dd went up to school with loads of preschool friends but now never plays with them. Her best friend is a girl who joined the school late and didn't know anyone, they were inseparable from the first day they met. I know parents like to micromanage their children's friendships but at some point the child will make their own friends.