To think DD’s social life is already set by 3?

[Housebuyingfamily]

I realise this is almost certainly unreasonable but I’m looking for some perspective. DD is coming up to 3 and due to moving house has been to 3 nurseries. She/we did make one or two friends in the first two but nothing too substantial or regular. Her current nursery is extremely small with mixed ages, and we’ve only had one (accidental) playdate in 6 months.

Today it struck me that DD has never been to a 3rd birthday party, despite the fact a lot of her school year have turned 3 by now. Every time we go to the park or soft play, all I can see is groups of parent friends. Starting to fixate on it. We have large social circles ourselves but none have kids, or kids remotely the same age. Same with our families. Our NCT group moved away. It’s like we’ve been isolated by bad luck. Time goes so quick, and out of nowhere I feel like we’ve already let DD down, which is a horrible feeling.

We have now decided to move DD into a preschool this September which is attached to the best primary school in the area, that also has most families “like us”. That’ll be place number 4, but the current place hasn’t yielded much at all, so we feel it’s a last roll of the dice to try and get inside a “clique” before school proper starts next year.

The point of this post is basically that I’m worried that even at the new preschool, in which everyone is joining at the same time, there will STILL be cliques from one or two nurseries. Basically, as insane as it sounds, by 3 is there already a die cast, socially speaking?

Also I should add that Dh and I are quite left leaning, progressive, activist types living in a very rural traditional farming community. It hasn’t stopped us or our dc making loads of friends.

I moved around loads before I started primary school and made loads of friends. My mum never picked me up and wasn't involved in any clique and I was fine!

Please don't worry OP 🙂

Absolutely cringing for you OP.

I had not one friend until DD started school in September and now already got a great group of 'mum' mates. Just make sure you make the effort in September and I'm sure it'll work out. Don't worry, it used to have me in tears so I understand but it'll all be ok in the end.

You need to relax OP, otherwise you'll have burnt out by the time DD reaches 15! She'll go to school and meet friends. She'll be left out of certain meet up and parties at times throughout childhood. No one is invited to everything all of the time thankfully and if handled correctly, it is an important life lesson. Concentrate on exposing your dd to a wide range of activities and interests and being her own person. Before long she'll be 14 and you'll be wishing she wasn't being invited to sleepovers and meet-ups!

Let me clear it up for you. We are non-religious, liberal, left leaning, creative
types. That’s “people like us”. These are the people we get on best with and want to spend time with. You won’t shame me into saying otherwise.

Interesting to see you leap to being 'shamed'. And that you magically know in advance that the 'best school''s nursery is populated by children whose parents are leftwing, secular creatives? Have you patrolled the pavement outside looking for an absence of hijabs and crosses, copies of The Guardian, parents carrying cello cases and wearing dungarees caked with clay?

In the kindest way possible, you need to chill !!! You’re at risk of catastrophising over this!

Mine are 22 and 15. Neither went to a single party at nursery. DS1 probably went to more at school than dS2 but both always had several friends and made new ones at high school. DS1 has two close mates from primary, several from high school and obviously more from uni.

Why are you so desperate to be in a clique? Just relax and things will be fine. They might not be the most popular kids in the school but that hasn’t been a problem for either of mine.

Ok. It's suddenly obvious why you aren't invited to parties.

By your criteria we wouldn't be welcome in your clique. All science based jobs in our families, mostly Hindu. So obviously we wouldn't fit in with you.

Maybe your three year old has picked up on your shitty attitude and wont play with anyone she sees as 'different'

I'm already feeling sorry for your daughter. What if she makes friends with the wrong type of person? Stop worrying about this, if she's a likable kid, she will make friends regardless of any input from you.

Mine didn’t get invited to any parties at nursery school, apart from people we knew before, which aren’t many as we recently moved to the area. I get what you mean about feeling left out when seeing big groups of friends at play dates. However, fast forward to primary school and this month alone she has a party every weekend, and made a few mum friends at school gates. I’m actually starting to dislike the parties and feel uncomfortable around large groups of other mums 🙈. I’m better with one on one company, so it’s a double edged sword haha.

There are loads of whole class parties in reception year - you'll get to know local people

She's 3!! Calm down!

She won't be making special friends at that age, she'll work out who she wants to be with in school and trust me- it will change a lot.

Stop projecting this shit onto your child.

None of mine went to birthday parties until they started school.

I think you are overthinking this. She's 3!

Oh ok I've read your update and have less sympathy now. By people like us I thought you meant people with few friends who have children! But wanting to tailor parents' religion and politics for your 3 year olds friends is OTT .

Meh, in some cases I was quite relieved to have shaken off some off the connections which begin as a necessity (ante natal, baby groups etc) but I quickly realised were not ones which were good for me or my daughter.

Mine is now 14 and actually the last 12 months I think of her "friendship " life have been the most meaningful for her even though it's a small group.

Although this isn't the same as being good for her if that makes sense.

But yes a pp talked of ebbs and flows and I think that describes their relationships well

By the way OP, I haven’t read the whole thread but I’m not from the same part of the country as where I live and the local people who have lived here their whole lives are possibly quite different to me and the people I grew up with in a few ways. However, you just have to suck it up for the sake of your kids, and I’ve grown to really like the people I’ve met as well. They are really nice people in the most part. Also you’d be surprised I’ve met a few who are very similar to me in a lot of ways. It’s your children’s friends, not yours! Obviously with some exceptions ie if someone was openly racist or just not a nice person I might give them a wide berth.

The vast, vast majority of the 'right type of person' as described by the OP are white, British and middle-class. She's just used what she thinks are acceptable words to disguise what she very obviously means.

Tbf there are, sadly, a lot of people around, particularly in certain parts of London, who share her shitty attitude.

Yeah @Bamboux, it does seem like thinly veiled racism. I guess a birthday invitation from my sons wouldn't have gone down well would it!

My son went to the same nursery from 9 months to 3 years. He never went to parties or play dates from there. I didn't really make friends with you other parents as we all worked so picked up at different times. He had friends who he played with there though. He then went to a different pre school (not attached to the school he was going to). Made friends easily and he did get invited to a birthday party there, but the child was turning 4.

He is now in Y4 at school, he has been there since reception. He has lots of friends and has had, and been to, a number of parties over the years. His best friend is actually a kid he went to his first nursery with but he has loads we didn't know before. I don't do pick up/drop off so I don't know many parents well but will chat at parties.

He also goes to cubs so has friends there.

Basically, try not to worry, she will make friends in school and I am sure she will be fine.

YAB a bit mental.

DS is 4.5 and has been at the same nursery since he was 18m. He’s been to a handful of birthday parties. Only since starting in the preschool room so mostly 4th birthday parties. We’ve only accidentally bumped into other children from nursery at toddler groups and soft play, nothing purposeful (and I am shit at small talk so I am certain I have made no positive impressions on other parents). Certainly no ‘playdates’. I have a small handful of friends from a baby group in the early days who we occasionally meet up with, and he goes to nursery with two of them, but they aren’t close at all.

DD is 2.5 and I barely even know who is in her class. I literally have one friend who has a child the same age as her.

It’s very uncommon to remain friends with ‘friends’ from nursery unless you are close neighbours or your mums happen to be best friends. I wouldn’t even give it a second thought.

Mmm just read your updated OP.

On one hand I admire your honesty and straight talking.

I think it's a shame to restrict yourself to the idea you have of ho friends should be. One of the loveliest, funniest ladies I know is a lady on for chatting to on the school run when DD was in yrs 5 and 6. You know when you see the Dane people walking in your direction every day, you know your kids are only a year apart in age and you probably live 5 minutes away from each other? Well that sounds as her and one day I just thought "sod it I'm going to say hello". And then we started to meet to walk to school each pm, had the odd coffee etc. we are not alike at all and our lives are quite different but I live her to bits. She makes me laugh and swears like a docker

Anyway the funny thing about kids is when they hit secondary you have zero influence over their friends and by that, whether their families are People Like Us

DS was in the same nursery from 7 months to 3.5 years. We didn't have a single ply date or party invite in that time. Then in September last year he joined his school pre-school and so far we've been to 6 class parties, with two more coming up. You're 100% overthinking it.

My child has been at the same pre-school since 2, which feeds into the school nursery attached. He’s now 4 and his ‘friendship circle’ looks completely different to what it did when he started. I don’t do forced friendships, and I’ve hardly ever done a play date due to work and other commitments. His teachers tell me who his friends are and I will try to facilitate play dates in the future I suppose. But for now, he’s happy and blissfully unaware. Children will play with whoever is around them at 3. True friendships start blossoming by 4ish, but they’re still pretty flaky. The ‘new’ kids don’t stay new for very long in a child’s world because things move so fast for them. Someone they know for 1 month is like someone they’ve known for years.

I honestly would not waste my time worrying about a 3 year old’s social life.

Omg the typos in my last post well done if anyone can make any sense of it!