To think DD’s social life is already set by 3?

[Housebuyingfamily]

I realise this is almost certainly unreasonable but I’m looking for some perspective. DD is coming up to 3 and due to moving house has been to 3 nurseries. She/we did make one or two friends in the first two but nothing too substantial or regular. Her current nursery is extremely small with mixed ages, and we’ve only had one (accidental) playdate in 6 months.

Today it struck me that DD has never been to a 3rd birthday party, despite the fact a lot of her school year have turned 3 by now. Every time we go to the park or soft play, all I can see is groups of parent friends. Starting to fixate on it. We have large social circles ourselves but none have kids, or kids remotely the same age. Same with our families. Our NCT group moved away. It’s like we’ve been isolated by bad luck. Time goes so quick, and out of nowhere I feel like we’ve already let DD down, which is a horrible feeling.

We have now decided to move DD into a preschool this September which is attached to the best primary school in the area, that also has most families “like us”. That’ll be place number 4, but the current place hasn’t yielded much at all, so we feel it’s a last roll of the dice to try and get inside a “clique” before school proper starts next year.

The point of this post is basically that I’m worried that even at the new preschool, in which everyone is joining at the same time, there will STILL be cliques from one or two nurseries. Basically, as insane as it sounds, by 3 is there already a die cast, socially speaking?

My DS started the nursery last September at his soon to be school in September, he had two parties in February and that's it, I spoke to one parent at one of the parties but no play date ever came of it. Been to a few craft clubs etc but didn't make any friendships just general chit chat. I know when he starts school he'll be at a lot of parties so really not fussed 😂

Unfortunately that's how we found it to be when we moved to a new area when my eldest was 3. The cliques had already been formed at the playgroup which then carried on throughout the school years and children's friendship groups were manipulated by the parents. Your child will probably become friends with other outsider children so I wouldn't worry but at primary school I found the teachers seemed to encourage the cliquey behaviour by allowing it to happen in the classroom too. You will find things haven't changed since you yourself were at school🙄

In my experience people didn't really make much effort with playdates etc before Reception because everything is so fluid. People move away for primary schools or because they need a bigger house for more DC etc. People are much more invested in cultivating friendships once they're settled at a school, it will change then.

“You will find things haven't changed since you yourself were at school”

this wasn’t my school experience as either a pupil or a parent.

Honestly, kind of! I think I phrased this badly, not so much take pity on me, but I live somewhere where most people in our nursery seem to know each other and I never see other parents at our local park. So I think people are maybe a bit embedded in their friendships and not actively looking for new ones, so when I suggest it they're very noncommittal. I wouldn't say I've invited loads of people round, but anyone whose child plays with mine and I see the parents at drop off, yes. Before we moved DC was still little so we got to go to lots of play groups and meet people there, but nursery is very in-and-out.

All mine went to full time nursery, more or less.
There was not time or energy for big birthday parties, the nursery used to do a sort of party afternoon for their birthdays. We just took them for a day out.
They made friends at school. Still didn't do play dates as at work!
They have all grown up fine.

I think it's sad that you're projecting your own social issues onto your 3yo. All this talk of cliques and pigeonholing people according to their political views/jobs etc is really unhealthy. I think you should male an effort to broaden your mind by meeting people who aren't "like you". It's sad that you think you won't get on with people who don't fit into the same pigeonhole that you have placed your family. Wouldn't you rather bring up your child to be able to form relationships with people with varying lifestyles/backgrounds/viewpoints?

Honestly, this is really not worth worrying about! I do get it though, because I remember worrying similarly about my DD who didn't have any particular friends at nursery (she just did a few mornings a week compared to those who did more - they were closer as they spent more time together understandably). She always played nicely and certainly liked other children, and would happily play around them, she just clearly didn't have any particular friends. Didn't even seem to notice particular children if I'm being honest! She did go to two nursery parties and the kids largely just ignored each other.

All the kids from nursery then went to a different school and she started her primary school (on the back of the 2020 lockdown with only us and her little brother for company) knowing absolutely no-one. She now has tonnes of friends and gets invited to loads of parties! I really, really wouldn't worry about that as it all changes at primary school. I was in an NCT group that hung out loads and had some good Mum friends from playgroups etc - but most of those friendships drifted naturally when kids started different schools anyway.

Try not to worry as long as she's happy :)

Also OP, I’m really sorry but I would class myself as ‘liberal’ probably left leaning - the only way I don’t ‘fit’ your list is that in religious. I can’t stand people who are sooo left wing and liberal, bang on about it all the time, and exclude others without their views. And yea to PP these people are normally white and middle class although they pretend not to be. I have a lot of them in my circle of friends from uni unfortunately. If you were overt and snobby about this I probably would give you a wide berth. I prefer spending time with the down to earth non political person who I don’t feel is judging me, and we can just chat about how annoying our kids are etc 😂😂

You don't believe that you can be close friends with people who have different jobs, religions and politics to you? Why on earth not? my two best friends have different religions to me, and different politics to each other. It's not hard. Neither of them have a job like mine, one is a sahm and one works for the council. I have a more analytical job. Never would have occured to me that our jobs must be similar, they're my friends not my employers.

You seriously need to change your attitude about this and dial down the concern. Of course you want her to socialise and be popular. But her ability to do so is not predicated on how many parties she's been to aged 3!!!

Relax. If you come across as a desperate pushy mother who longs to infiltrate a social clique, this will backfire. Just be friendly and relaxed at the school gates. If DD likes and mentions someone a few times, invite them for a play date. If she's invited, let her go. Try to ensure she has playdates with a few different children. Join groups that have big family get togethers - church children's groups or rainbows/beavers or babysitting circles etc often have mass BBQs or picnics in the summer.

Dd4 had no social life and didn't get invited to nursery people parties

We moved to a different area (not by choice) but when she started reception, she's been to over 10 parties and is very much a busy girl.

I think it's completely normal and nothing to worry about!

Have you invited other children over on play dates or held a birthday party for her?

So you don't like cliques but only want your DD to be friends of children whose parents are exactly like you? Quite a narrow world there.

Could say the same about my eldest (he’s 4) but we’ve never moved him. I’m not worried about it, he’s happy and has friends. Preschool has no concerns. Don’t really know parents as I drop off at breakfast club and pick up from after school club because of work. He’s only little, I’m sure it’s fine. Chill out I think

We moved house when DD was one. I was nearly weeping - no, actually I did, many times - because I couldn't find any friends for her or me. Primary school changed everything. Hang on in, it will get better but I feel for you.

Oh I would just be a bit more definitive about your invitations then! “Can Sophia come round to ours next Saturday afternoon? Lucy really wants to have a play date. We’ll be doing unicorn crafts and playing in the garden”, instead of “hey we should arrange a play date some time”. Much harder to say “no” to the first one.

And the kids also tend to push to go if it is something they want to do! DS had a little Halloween party, and it grew from two other kids to six, because they all talked about it in the playground and DS kindly extended the invitation to practically every boy in his flipping class 🤣.

We had this huge period of no parties post covid and now we seem to have loads to attend. My eldest is almost 9 and his best friend is someone he didn’t go to nursery with. My 4 year old socialises all the time with one of our neighbours rather than nursery friends. I wouldn’t stress it.

No, wow. You sound intense. People move house, move around the country, move all over the world with children and you’re worried that your child is 3 and you’re she’s not in a “clique” yet? You need to chill out.

What are you on about. When they go to school they make friends who cares about cliques. Stop talking that way or mums will definitely avoid you just let her be she is 3 for goodness sake

I was never in a clique at primary school but my DDs still got invited to loads of parties. I think DD1 went to one party at nursery and I'm not sure DD2 went to any at nursery.
Homestly I'd make the most of it before you find your child has been invited to a party every other week. I was so glad when the party invites stopped, although I now have a toddler so will probably go through it again..
I'm not sure moving her again will help she must feel really unsettled.

Of course there will be cliques at a preschool by the very nature of it being part of a primary school. My son started last September and I already knew half of the parents in his class because I have an older child already attending the school, as do they.

I can honestly say, your dd is going to have a horrendous time throughout her education with your attitude, she will have extremely limited friends. You will probably also be called in if about her behaviour if she starts parroting your bigotry.

Hopefully there will be a light at the end of the tunnel for her and she can escape your attitude when she's an adult.

We didn’t make any friends though nursery. Made all mine via NCT, going to parent things and just introducing myself to people. And now at school she’s made loads of friends and I hang with the parents too.